i stayed up late
then i fell asleep in the chair
so i went to bed very late
and i decided to sleep very late as well
so
i've been up about 2.5 hours

i had some very complicated dreams
but
in addition to being complicated
they were also pretty different than normal

now
i can't remember all the twists and turns
of the complication
unfortunately

i can really only remember the broad strokes

there was a part
where i was trying to ring a guy up
but
i had to sign him up through this complicated process
he needed a password
that was case sensitive


and there was another part
where i was going into great depth
about how i cooked seasonally
and
i had holidays i celebrated from every culture
for family enrichment
but
along with that
was food
so each section of the year
had foods
and we looked forward to those foods
but
even though it isn't seasonal to now
we were talking about mardi gras
and the cajun creole flavors
how rich and delicious
how steeped in the blending of cultures
that went into the development of those flavors

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

morning
i've been up a couple of hours
but i'm only starting to feel human
i wake up slow
it's allergy time so
all the unpleasantness that entails
and
what is with the waking up with leg cramps
is that dehydration or vitamin deficiency or what

i do feel pretty ok now
i usually feel better mornings after i drink
i think i sleep better
muscles relax more

i'm drinking coffee
i checked my social media
well
not facebook
i hate facebook
i checked the other ones
i'll get around to facebook later

i had some toast
the heb has this special toasting bread
i thought i'd try
apple streudel and french toast
i had the apple last week or the week before
it was great
i got the french toast this time
not quite as good
still good
i got some quince paste from work
and
if i get peckish later i'm gonna have that
on some plain bread toast
well
not like mrs baird's plain
like heb english toasting bread plain
it's not that plain
but it is technically white bread
and then
there is oatmeal cooking in a crock pot
with dried raisins and cherries
and i'm gonna have that for dinner
with maybe some soft boiled eggs and some
morning star farms veggie sausage patties
maybe

i planned to do laundry
and i'm still probably gonna do that
but
i'm thinking i might take a bath

did my description of my dream make any sense
i need to go back and try to re-write it
but
i'm not sure it will capture the experience
as i'm describing it to myself
it doesn't sound that exciting
but it was
it was amazing

the feel of the slide-y things
was like somewhere between flourite rock and bowling alley wood
so slick, but soft, but not actually soft
but
impossible to get tracking
so when i did the scoup thing
and, like
ally-oop-ed myself standing
it was like a levitation almost

and then climbing back up
was like these rails on the side
i had to pull myself up by my arms
it was so so difficult
but
i was doin it
and i felt like such an athlete
and

then
i was an athlete
and i was going to be competing
but
it was a lost art
and we had to find people to compete against
anyway

hello

mood is better today
maybe i should do more drinking

Dream

I dreamed there was this big
slide kind of thing
and
You could glide over it
And I did it once
And it was easy for me
And I did this kind of
Scoop thing
And I'm falling asleep so bad when I write this
There's a competitive sport in this
And they called

And pulling myself up
And putting

I have just written this a bunch of time
Dreaming apparently
Can't stay awake
So amazing
Just the feeling
Of sliding
Catching myself
Scooping
Stopping myself
Standing up

Hope this captures this enough that I
Remember it later

I fell asleep in the chair again
full disclosure
I had a rough week
I was celebrating it being over
I drank three frozen margaritas
which came out a little dry
so I wetted them up with floater shots
so
I was feeling it
a little
probably legally drunk
didn't feel drunk

I dreamed
about weird stuff
I can't remember most of it

just the blood red and sparkling moons

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

such a difficult day today
hope yours was better
love you sweetheart
And
I had to take the course again
to renew my tabc certification
the video wasn't working
so
I couldn't see any of them
and
I mean
I know the material
but
it's been years
and
I was supposed to have
uninterrupted time to take the test
which I did NOT
but
even with all that
I got a 96%
on the test
and
I'm starting tastings again tomorrow
I anticipate trouble

what will they do for a cashier
I don't think they understand
at all

and
I predict
they expect me to run up
and cashier
mid tasting
I'm dreading this

goodnight sweetheart

hope you have a lot of fun tonight sweetheart
i love you very much

I dreamed
I was in some kinda of business meeting
with another woman
someone I guess I must have worked with
but didn't seem to know well
even in the dream
we were meeting with
Japanese business people
an older man
and a young girl
who seemed to be the creative

we were sitting on the floor
in an office
with desks
it was awkward

also
there was this magazine
with fabric swatches hanging all out of it
the woman I was working with
was much younger than me
she was asking me wtf was up with the magazine cloths

well, you see
I was saying
it was a big innovation
back some years ago
Chanel
it's a very sheer fabric
but the color intensity very saturated
see
single layer-- see right through it
double layer-- see right through it

and then
when I woke up
running through my head
tequila makes her clothes fall off
which is not a song I really like
I don't know why
it would be running through my head

good morning sweetheart

I was just reading on social media
something about the like pre-season
gardening exploits
and gardening goals

and
I have always wished
that I had gardening skills

I wish
I could fantasize
about my need and goats
and
garden
that I could grow all my own food
but
I've never shown any aptitude
for growing plants
I can communicate with animals
pretty well
I feel confident
I could handle the goats
and
semi confident about the bees
but
I don't believe I could keep from starving
if I had to grow my own plants

my mother even gardened a little
and would would think
she could nurture anything
but
that's how I learned to like turnip greens

she had some beds
she got bob to water them everyday
because it's hot and sunny here
and then she'd pick them
when they were newly sprouted
put them in a bowl
with some hamburger meat
and sliced potatoes
throw a little water in it
and microwave

It was an odd combination
she's not a good cook
but
I learned to like turnip greens

although
actually
my favorite
is collard greens
with turnips added
and
I never have fresh baby ones
it's always just grocery store
or
occasionally farmer's market

I love vegetables
like, I'm hard pressed to narrow down a short list
I wish I could grow em

this is somehow fundamentally who i am

i bought some spoons

now
i should never buy anything
i don't make enough money to buy anything, ever
but
i do
i've been wanting a present
really badly
recently
and
i've been shopping and shopping for it

i thought i wanted a vintage fountain pen
and i found a bunch of them i like
but
i figured
this present couldn't afford to be over $80
including shipping
and
i couldn't find one i liked for that amount

and
the cheap ones i bought are fine
i enjoy the bobby nib pens
actually more than the other cheap pen from amazon
and that made me realize that
it's how the pen writes that i enjoy
not so much how it looks
so
i should probably go to a pen show
not try to buy things on ebay

then
i thought i wanted a new leather notebook
and i found some i liked
but
again
too expensive
and really
i don't want them to be soft and floppy
i like the traveler's notebook i have better
i just wish it had more pockets and stuff
so
i'm sticking with that
but
i have this craving for craftsmanship
and beauty
and then
i saw the tasmanian spoons

beautiful, right

but then i started looking at them
and thinking about their utility
i know
i mean
exactly
what kind of spoon i need for cooking
and none of those spoons is the right shape
so
i was like well yeah, that's pretty close
but
with the shipping
one spoon
was gonna be just slightly over $80
and
i balked

then
in one of the pictures i liked
they referenced another spoon-maker
because apparently there is a whole SPOON community
and i looked him up
and there, staring back at me
was like my DREAM SPOON
long graceful handle
squared off
beautiful rich brown
simple clean lines
half the price

and then i was like
well, hey, ya know what i also need--  a ladle
i have like three ladles
one metal and two plastic-y ones
and i hate them all
so
maybe i don't need one
but whatever

so i look around
and i find a beautiful beautiful ladle
it may not work perfectly
it's hard for me to tell the exact angles from the picture
but
it's beautiful, regardless

so then i'm all like
how much is shipping gonna be
and i put my zip code in
and free

now
they don't have that tasmanian mojo
and i'm sorry about that
i kinda wanted that
but
they have got a great story
and they are
like
exactly my style of thing, ya know

and then i saw
his kid is makin spoons too
and i'm like
i want a kid apprentice spoon!

so i had to narrow it down
there was a beautiful rice paddle type spoon
or a graceful oval cooking spoon
or some jaunty chop sticks
or
the one i ended up getting
which was a sort of "utility player" spoon

it's kinda small for a cooking spoon
but you could
if it was something thin or small
it's alittle big for an eating spoon
unless maybe soup
but
it would be great for getting things out of jars
olives
sliced pickles or jalapenos
condiments
jam
or
i mean
honey or sugar
or tasting spoon
so
i think it'll be fun

so
i didn't need any of it really
but
emotionally
i did need it
and

i got three spoons for less than the price of one

i never read young adult fiction
or whatever you call younger than young adult fiction
well
that's not completely true
i read are you there god, it's me margaret
at least
i think i read it
and
a wrinkle in time
i read little house on the prairie
but
i think i read all those because i was required to read them
i didn't identify


my mother
when i was in third and fourth grade
was terrified that i was retarded in some way
now
don't get me wrong
i was an A student
for most of my third grade year
i had the highest average in my math class
there was no actual reason for her to think i was retarded
but
i wasn't reading big enough books
and
although i was reading things like this
i was reading them in the library
so she never knew
but
you've gotta read stuff like that
if you're poor white trash

you don't have to read stupid kid books
never identified with any of em

i read, later, alice in wonderland
and i read it again and again

finally
i made my mother proud
by choosing this
and this
which she finally considered long enough
but
i really liked these books
could relate to them
and i didn't relate to most of those longer kid books

then
i found interview with the vampire
and i was off and running with regular people books

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

can I just say
how beautiful
your painting has gotten
eye sockets
and skin tones
and light playing across things
these are not easy things
and
for example
it's easier to get a likeness from a photo
but then it often looks
like it's painted from a photo
but
that must be from a photo
and yet
it has life

oh
thunderbird
I'll take that fly tonight
up through the night sky
dancing
the milky way reflected in your desert eyes
the scent of sage
misting off your feathers
penetrating
and I'm
clinging
so
tight

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair
listening to Japanese planner videos on YouTube
and
dreamed these crazy dreams
I was wrapped in a towel with my breasts exposed
in some vaguely mid-century parking lot
a man was living in an RV
a model walked by in a full skirted dress
I was planning laundry
but I was laying on the cement
and the sun was blazing down
the model looked at me and smiled
the guy in the RV was trying to decide
if he should stare at me
and the rather flat voice
of the
YouTube video girl
filled the air and surrounded me

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

still have no clue
what's going on
but
I hope you have a wonderful day

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i've had a headache all day
and i'm going to bed

i love you very much

favorite things

river boat amsterdam
write in cafes
morning coffee on the bow
evening margaritas
or wine
wine is good

long walks
over bridges
past bicycles

king day
your hand in mine
all the treasures of the universe laid out before us

warm nights
under blankets
the smell of your skin
and the gentle rocking of the boat

just stuff

ok
so i didn't write a story
but
i did binge watch OA
which is amazing and inspirational
and i highly recommend it to you

i dug out my traveler's notebook
because i'm gonna try that again
but
i don't want to write in the inserts i have
both because
they didn't really work for me
and because the last things i wrote were about buzz
and i want to start again
not just write in that
that seems wrong

i decided what i wanted was a hobonichi weeks, mega
but
then i discovered that would be a few weeks
and i didn't want to wait a few weeks
so
i went round and round and i landed on this
but i'm not really sure what the planner part will be like
they have pictures and i think it's ok
but maybe there are no pagea for notes
i was insecure enough
that i bought this
as a back-up
and maybe i should have just gotten the whole system
but
that seemed more involved than i wanted it to be
so
we'll see
one comes tomorrow and the other the next day
not sure why


so
since the kitty cut me
and i stood there sobbing
he's been really pretty careful
i freaked him out
he's got it now
that hurts me
and i've watched him trying to employ tactics
to not let himself get too wound up
he's only actually cut me
about twice since then
and one of those times was definitely an accident

he loves me
he's trying not to hurt me
and
he sits in the chair behind me
most nights
and
he sleeps on me
every night
so i have to sleep on my back
with one knee bent
to make a sort of prone lap
and
whereas
he used to only stay there until i fell asleep
or just slightly after
which including petting
might be 10 minutes, tops
i fall asleep fast, usually
it's getting me to bed that's the problem

anyway
now he stays all night, usually
which is hard on my back
and weird for me as a side sleeper

also
far from being chased away by my night movement
[which i won't do to disturb the cat, apparently]
he has also become adept at log rolling

so
if i get a leg cramp
or have to pee
it's not all that easy to get out from under him
apparently
i am an entirely acceptable pillow


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much