goodnight sweetheart

so, college 3

what i had wanted to do
was go to bennington
or
well's
or
mill's
or later
UC santa cruz

but the idea i had in my mind
clear as day
was that what i needed
was an experimental school that didn't have grades

i felt like the schools that had the
you work out a contract with your professor
at the beginning of the semester
to decide what you each expect
and then your success is measured by that contract
seemed like it was what i needed

both because i felt like
i wouldn't do my best work if i was graded
i would work FOR the grade
maybe do something easier
maybe pander to the professor
i'm not sure of all the reasoning now
i just felt the desire to get an A
was somehow going to keep me from reaching my potential

also
i felt like the process of having to
work out a plan
would really really help me
in the creative process
although
i guess
not everything was going to be a creative process
history class is not a creative process

but
i think
i was right
i needed focus
and i needed to learn to be self generating

so college: 2

my first semester
i didn't tell you
i took
cultural anthropology
intro to theater (like appreciation, it didn't count for theater majors)
and ethics

i tried to remember what order i took everything
but i couldn't

i might be able to remember everything i took, maybe, maybe
but definitely not the order in which i took them

i took freshman english part two the research paper
which was so so fun
i learned how to use that library
and we were supposed to do our paper on
what critics had said about a film that came out in 1982
so, i mean, fuck, i did blade runner
it was really supposed to be like generally they liked it or not
but
i
couldn't
i dug up every sight and sound article
and i wrote this
although the director took liberties with the book
do androids dream of electric sheep
he created a world which was recognizable as phillip k. dick
we had been specifically admonished not to analyze the film
so "i" did not
but there was a fuck ton of analysis going on
fun fun times

i was in mass media and society
the semester the space shuttle blew up
i think i told you that
and german classes when the wall came down
i'm sure i told you that

i took american women's history
and chicano history to 1910 for my U.S. history requirements

i took geology and oceanography for my science

but the ones that got away
the classes that i always wanted to take
they were each only offered every few years
and always at a time when something i really needed was offered

history of religion in america
and
atmospheric science
i pine for atmospheric science, still

ANTH:  cultural anthropology & anthropology of women

PHIL:  intro to ethics;  metaphysics;  political philosophy; philosophy of science;  images of madness in art and philosophy;  logic 1&2; history of modern philosophy;  history of 19th century philosophy;  history of 20th century philosophy;  philosophy of women

PSYCH:  intro to psych;  social psych, human sexuality;  cognitive psych; research methods in psych; emotion and motivation;  child development;  personality psych;  psych of women;  the individual in society (team taught with POLS/knowledge integration thingy)

German Film Classes:  images of fascism in german cinema;  contemporary images of fascism in german cinema;  silent german cinema;  avant guarde german cinema;  women in german cinema;  fassbinder;  i feel like there was one more but i can't remember

GERM:  1501/1502 intro to german language (with language lab);  intermediate german 2 semesters;
german literature 2 semesters? not positive might only have been 1;  1 4000 level german with peter pfeiffer it was kinda literature reading and writing but i don't remember what it was called

i took golf and bowling for my p.e. credits

i also took sociology, drugs and urban policing, i took geography but i may have dropped it before completion that was the semester i had my wisdom teeth removed and he was kind of a half of you will fail guy (bad attitude) but super interesting i don't remember taking a final

i took college algebra, was failing, had to drop
i was kinda pissed because testing had placed me there
so i took remedial math and got 100s on all the tests
which made me madder because clearly this was not what i needed
but maybe it was
because then i retook college algebra and i was making a solid B-
but then, when it was time for the final
he had to i.d. everyone and there were 300 people in the class
and that cut 40 minutes off my time
and freaked me out
so i didn't do that well on the final
ended up with a C+
the lowest grade i got in college

i still, only every once in a while, admonish myself
if only you had been smart enough to take college algebra at HCC and transfer it in
then you coulda been suma instead of magna
but
what difference does it really make
i can;t do math

i also took music appreciation
and i really think i took some Poli Sci but i can't remember
yeah i was in something for the 88 election
and i'm sure i'm forgetting some other stuff

oh yeah

painting 1&2 and jewelry making


but see
it's not working towards a job
it's just education for learning sake
just exploring
and
i don't know if i could do it anymore
or if i'd like it now
but i miss it
kinda

and i feel sorry for the people who started at "good" schools
and couldn't learn enough at UH to make themselves happy

starting another one

so, college: 1

i know i've told you about college
but i don't remember what i've told you, exactly
so i may overlap a bit

when i applied
i applied as a political science major
because i thought i was going to be an activist
or a politician
believe it or not
but then
when i actually started
i registered as undeclared
because i couldn't commit to poli sci
and
besides
all the stuff i wanted to take was non poli sci

what my conversation the other day brought home
is that most people start out with pre-requisites

i smooth ignored it
i skipped right over the stuff that said if you didn't take x,y,z first
your class may not count

also
i knew i didn't want to take the cattle classes
so i sought out a list of alternate 3000 and 4000 level classes
which could be subbed for those cattle classes

i looked through the schedule
found things that interested me
went to the book store to see what the assigned reading was
see if it looked interesting

the first day of class was the professor's audition
if i like them
their syllabus
their attitude
i stayed
if i didn't like it
i went and switched the class

i had taken AP english
and the AP test
so i placed out of one semester of sophomore english
i had taken the achievement test so i placed out of one semester of freshman
i tried unsuccessfully to explain that
if i had placed out of any sophomore english
i shouldn't have to take any freshman
but they required one semester of each
but i think i took a couple years to get around to the freshman
possibly i took it before the 3000 level creative writing class
but i'm not sure of that
i know i didn't take my sophomore english until almost graduation

i had tried to take intro to modern literature
with some professor who was suppose to be hot shit
but the problem is
at UH if you're in a cattle class it's teaching assistants
and i was not ok with how that went down
and the prof wasn't good enough for that

i wrote a paper
not a big paper
just an assignment
on a walt whitman poem, i think
and this dude gives me a D
now
i have never gotten a D on any written work
and then he says
you have no understanding of rhetoric
i was a philosophy major by this time
like, seriously
is it just that you can only recognize a five paragraph theme?
this guy was obviously not smart enough to teach me

but
it worked out for the best
because i discovered summer session
at a point when i was working for my mom and had a little more flexibility
with my hours
i could work open till close on friday, saturday, sunday
and devote monday thru thursday from early morning until whenever to school
there was a professor
who, turned out, was retiring
this was his last semester
the class was intro to drama
but in the book store
the text was major works of shakespeare
ok, i though, i'm in
he was teaching both classes with the same text
and same class really
i took the class in the morning
i went to the library
read the plays
watched the royal shakespeare company productions
in the film lab
drank coffee from the vending machine with those dunkin stix donuts
also from the vending machine
it was all awesome


i got off on a tangent
an this is kinda long so i'm starting another

I was telling someone about
my college experience
the other day
they had dropped out of UH
after going to a "good" school
the first year
and it ruined em
but
I hadn't really thought about how
different than average
my experience was
and
I mean
I had wanted to go to Bennington
and become a writer
but I didn't even apply
because it was the most expensive college
at that point
$15,000 a year
I looked
now its $66,000 a year
I think that's with room and board
and the 15 wasn't
but still
when I started at UH
it was $18 a semester hour
and I think I did ok
I'll tell you about
my college later

morning
have a good day today
and up the vitamin C

also, i forgot completely i was gonna tell you about this

when i was little
i was forever getting splinters
or
ya know, whatever
and i lived with my grandmother
and, for some period of time
her mother was living there too
but when my gran gran went into the hospital
to have her cataract surgery
her brothers came and put their mother into a nursing home
anyway
that's kind of sad
and it isn't about that
that's just kind of background
that my great grandmother was living there with me too, briefly
and she may have
in fact i think she was
the instigator of

the poultice

whenever i got anything in my foot
there would be a poultice slapped on it
with double socks
and
i'm tellin ya
that shit worked

it felt extremely yucky
but it would pull whatever out of wherever
and
many times since i've been an adult
i have wished i had learned how to make em

i know it was made from flax
i assume flax meal
because it wasn't seedy
it was mushy
and kinda slimy
and hat's what flax is like

i don't remember it smelling like anything in particular
so, maybe no herbs or essential oil
then again
this was like three-ish
so
maybe i just don't remember the smell
and
it could have had castor oil or linseed oil, maybe
but it could also just be the flax

my gran gran was a firm believer in hydrogen peroxide and triple antibiotic
deborah was a believer in monkey blood (Mercurochrome) 
my mom liked bactine

i apparently came down on the side of hydrogen peroxide
but not necessarily triple antibiotic
i tend more toward just straight hydrogen peroxide
since i'm not much for bandages
unless i'm working
then they are to keep contaminants out of the wound site

but i was surprised once
my mom hurt herself
and i'm all like where's your hydrogen peroxide
and she's like
no, i don't use that, it kills tissue

that surprised me
if it killed tissue
my entire body would be one big lump of dead flesh
i swear to you
it's perfectly safe

i like tea tree oil too
and tamanu oil
and
i really should give neem more play
but it smells kind gross
and it's thick and gloopy

maybe this isn't interesting
but
ya know
i was thinkin about it

goodnight sweetheart 

i've been thinking about famous people i've had encounters with

and
what i found is
i don't have a file titled that way
i have met people
i know i have
but
i have to think back through the logs
who have i met

and
i remembered one i forgot

when i was working at the bookstop
karleen koen came in for a book signing
when she wrote through a glass darkly
that was, at the time
the largest advance anyone had received for a novel
no, not right
largest advance for a new novelist
and
maybe it went on the nyt bestseller list right away

it's not like i was sitting there with her
i'm sure i was ringing people up
but
maybe i got her set up
i'm just not sure now
but
when she was finished
i was there
and she said
my sister's name is elizabeth
and then she hung out with me
and told me what it was like
getting her book published
and i could have asked her questions
or
advice
or whatever
but
i just did what i mostly do
i let her tell me what she wanted to tell me
and asked facilitating questions
she was really really nice
and it was almost like we knew each other
but we didn't

and
i still haven't read any of her books

i should really have read at least that one, ya know
but
it just wasn't the kind of thing i read, i guess
and i was pretty young

I know
I'm all alone here too
but
I'm pretty good at solitude

so he played the cat card

he said he really didn't care
when I went to bed
he
wasn't really ready
so
he didn't come to bed with me
and he didn't sleep behind my knees
apparently it's only good for him
if he makes me go to bed
I really
do not like this trait


mornin sweets

i'm not sure why i keep telling you about my cat

i guess
because it gives you a view into how
i problem solve in relationships

so, remember
he was cutting me
because he wanted to be fed
and i wasn't feeding him
because he eats before bed
and i wasn't ready to go to bed
but
he'll want to eat again
if i feed him early
but
then i relented
fed him early
and he came back and cut me anyway

so i chased him around with the water gun

ok
you're remembering the scenario
well
i've figured it out
or he has made it clear
or something
the first thing he wants is dinner
about 9pm
the second thing he wants is to go to bed
about 10pm
and i have to go to bed too
he can't just go alone
so
it's like that unstoppable force meets an immovable object thing

i'm not going to be made to go to bed
they couldn't do it when i was 3
and the cat cannot do it now

i told him
he's gotta be more flexible with me
so
we've had some battles
and he has tried to punish me
by withholding affection
and i have chased him around with the gun
but then last night

i gave him dinner
a little later
and he came to me at midnight
and said hey can we please go to bed
and i'm like yes kitty
see
ya catch more flies with honey than ya do with vinegar
and we went upstairs
and he curled up behind my knees
and it was all good

and i thanked him for being such a good kitty
i don't want him to be unhappy
but jesus
ya know

so tonight
he was really hungry
so he got bedtime dinner at 9pm
and i told him i wasn't gonna stay up as late
so
he hasn't come back yet
but i was planning for about now
so i'm gonna surprise him
wherever he is now
by not making him ask
hopefully
that will let him save a little cat face

good night sweetheart

good morning
I hope your day goes well
would you believe
I'm bleeding for the third time
maybe
maybe it's trying to get me
to beg it to stop
it does have a sense of humor
one time
when I was twelve or thirteen
and going on a beach holiday
it lasted for ten days
and that was before
I managed to get tampons to work
I had issues
and my mother wouldn't help me
so I had pads
and couldn't go in the water
at all
very funny, huh


anyway
good times

snow is magic

sleet
not so much

sometimes i think about

if we were together
what kind of stuff would we do
and
i think some things are very
like almost a given
but then
there's a whole lot of extra time
and so
every once in a while
i see something
and i think
WE would enjoy that
and
this is one of those things

i think we would enjoy

film subscription box

now

not that i'm saying we couldn't pick out our own movies

sure, we absolutely could

but

this curation seems well done

and, in this example at least

although i've heard of these films

i've never actually seen them

also

when i was younger

the river oaks theater wasn't a regular movie house

instead it showed double features

which were curated to have some common theme

and i love love loved it

i don't remember when it changed

i know, by the time i was in college it was

like an art movie house

i saw blue velvet there

i saw the unbelievable truth

fool for love

other stuff too

but those were the first three things that came to mind

but i also saw

romeo and juliet

gone with the wind

the seven percent solution

and

so much other stuff

that was just the first three that popped into my head

now

i rarely go to the movies

and there is no classic movie house here

although the museum does show some

and i think rice still shows some

but

i don't go out much

when i leave work

i tend to go home to my cave

rather than out where there are people

i avoid the people

and the traffic

i hate traffic

but

this would come to our door every two months

like an unexpected surprise date

or rather

i guess

expected

but

not scheduled

a double feature of some theme

classic films

it watch

and discuss

and work through the landscape of creative thought

these don't seem like very happy movies

and

i'm not trying to make any sort of statement of theme

like

i'm not depressed

or unhappy with you or anything

but

look how the time they were made

is captured so perfectly

in just these little clips

doesn't that make you want

to see more of them

or maybe you've seen these movies

maybe

maybe you'd rather watch

like

a jim jarmusch film festival

i'm totally down for that too

i could talk about dead man for hours, probably

and

i've never yet seen the vampire one

i'm not travelling for my birthday

I am still broke
I can't afford to go anywhere
but
I am taking off tomorrow
so it's a two day birthday
and
I intended to get up early
and do lots of stuff
but
then I stayed up til 4:30
so
not so much
plus
I wanted to go to the museum
and it doesn't seem
to have any exhibits that I particularly want to see
I want to have
breakfast
isn't that strange
not
anything fancy particularly
and
I'm trying to decide
whether I want to buy cake
now, normally
cake is not optional
but
I'm just not sure I want it
so
is that a good sign
like oooo healthy thoughts
or
is that a bad sign
like lost interest in things that previously gave joy
?
also
very congested
and the flu is starting in Texas this year
so, that's a little unsettling
although it's been bad
off and on for a while
and we're all just hoping the freezes
kill off all the flooding mold
which is rampant


hope all is well with you

if you get a hankerin

you should check out
oh, for tv that is
godless
it's on Netflix
and an excellent western
well written, acted
and very very good visuals
clever visuals


I seem to be having
happy happy blood time
again
maybe I wasn't careful enough
with the progesterone cream
idk
but every two weeks
is definitely not gonna work for me
sigh


hope everything is good with you
I love you
and I wish we could
lie in bed together and listen
to this amazing thunderstorm
together
it's warmed up here


goodnight sweetheart

good night sweetheart
I love you

i had toast with peanut butter

i haven't been into peanut butter for a while
i go through phases
but
i had some
and i had some
dave's killer bread, white bread done right
which is the kind of bread i buy
you should try it
anyway
that was very satisfying
and not even really junk food

i wish i'd heard it

i hope it was fun

i wish i had some junk food
i really want junk food right now
i mean
not enough to go out in the cold for it
but still

in previous christmas seasons
i ate stollens and whatnot
but this year
what i've wanted
was cheetos

i didn't even have
a pumpkin spice latte
or
an eggnog latte
like at all

i
hurt myself at work today
i wasn't sure how bad
i smashed my finger in some shopping carts
i'd been using them to move stuff around
and i needed to clear them up and put them away
because i had to punch out and go home

i again reduced the beer section

anyway
it really hurt
and it's probably good that i haven't taken the blood thinning things
for a couple days

but
i had like a flashback to when i smashed my hand in the folding stool
and when my mom slammed my hand in the car door
and i was sure i'd get a blood blister
or fuck myself up real bad somehow
but i iced it right away
and took an aleve and an ibuprofren
to reduce inflamation
and
it seems fine
i was icing it down
and i'm all like:

look, i think this is probably going to be fine
every time i've badly damaged myself
i could pretty much tell right away
but
if there's some incident report that we need to fill out
i'd like to do it
just in case i get a blood blister, or need some kind of medical intervention
i'd like workman's comp to cover that

turns out they call it in now
do we have to do that now

no, dennis says, we've got 24 hours

ok, great
blahblahblah
more conversation

but
when it happened i could see it turning purple
and i was concerned
because my bruises generally develop over time
i thought:  shit, this is gonna be bad

but
the ice was a good instinct
because it has faded
it's just pink now
and, if i didn't point it out
you might not even notice it

yay me

sad face
at work



love you
have fun

baby, it's cold outside

i didn't want to write about work today
there is one more scene that i definitely have to write
but it doesn't really flow from the others
so i have to figure it out as a separate thing

anyway
i haven't done anything productive
i did a peel
i'm doing those every week-and-a-half-ish
to try to keep the dead skin down
and clear my pores and whatnot

mostly
i've been sitting in front of a heater
i have central set on maybe 58 degrees
and then i'm sitting in my chair with heater-fan
i don't like to think how much this will raise my electric
because heat is generally more than air
it's just that who needs it generally
the cat is under the chair in his heated cave


i really want a fireplace
i used to have one at my last place
but i had to leave there because i couldn't afford it anymore
they got bought by a corporation and just kept jacking up the rent
plus i wasn't signing more than a six month lease
because i kept thinking we were gonna happen
so
i priced myself out of it a lot faster
i never even really decorated this one
my masks are all still in boxes
and i've lived here like six years or something
since right before you got married

i guess i'm not in as a good of spirits today
this sounds a little maudlin
i don't really mean for it to sound that way

oh, wait, let's see if i won the lottery
hang on

nope

estimated cash value $278,300,000
that coulda come in handy

the question is
if i won what would i do
i used to buy lottery tickets only on the day of the draw
so i would think about what i would do if i won
for just a few hours
and that was the fun
but then i stopped

but i started saying things like i want to win the lottery
and i was asked
did you buy a ticket
and i'd have to say, no
well you can't win if you don't buy a ticket
and i don't believe i'm gonna win
but they're right
you can't if you don't play
so now i buy them
but super randomly
with quick pick numbers
and
sometimes i don't check them for a couple weeks

but
if i win
i'm calling in rich to work
and probably i'm going to marfa for a month at least
maybe i wouldn't like it there to live there
maybe it's not diverse enough
or maybe i wouldn't like a small town
or maybe it's too hipster
idk
but i could be there for a month for sure
and that would answer those things for me
i've always wanted to live off grid
idk if i could handle that, really
but it's been calling me since i was a teen ager

i've also always wanted to be an ex-pat
where would i like to live
idk
nova scotia, iceland--  those are both cold
australia seems nice, but not a very ex-pat type of place
where would i be a good ex=pat, do you think

also
i really really want to have an ayhuasca ceremony
i really want the vegetal mother to tell me how i've fucked up my life
and how i can fix it
i might live another twenty years
i got time to do some stuff
maybe not much
but
i feel like there might be great things still ahead
if i could just get my act together, somehow

man, i wish i could smoke some dope right now
it's not legal here yet
they have made some steps in that direction
and i mean i guess people get it even when it's not legal
but i don't know anybody
and it's been so long

but
i'm pretty sure
that's what i need
right now

customers have all-of-a-sudden started calling me by my name

which, i mean
i have a name tag on, but still
is unusual enough to be a sign of some sort

my manager had something come up so she wasn't working
so i was working with dennis
there's some display i was supposed to execute
which made no sense
but he was telling me about it

wait, it's on the rounder, i say
i just moved all the stuff from the christmas displays onto the rounders
i don't have any place else to put them

but that doesn't even really look good
can't you just clear it off

look, if you are telling me that's what needs to go there
i will make it happen
i can box it up and put it in the back if i have to

why don't you put those boxed sets here, he says pointing to the
very bottom shelf under seasonal sips
we had previously decided to keep the bottom shelf clear of bottles
and just use dummy boxes or wine racks that read as box-like

yeah, ok, i can do that
if i move stuff around again, i might be able to fit the rest of that stuff in

well, i'm better than i thought i was, i say as i walk into the office a while later
because i fit that all in

i also actually cleaned the rounder
because the "really good" dusting i had given it before i put the christmas stuff on it
had not taken and they seemed revoltingly dirty to me
so they are clean
and the three items that i could find that goon it are set up
although not in the jars they are supposed to be
because we can't find any
the other things are showing in stock
so either that's an error
or more likely--  because i don't remember seeing any of them before
more likely they are still in the pallets waiting to be unpacked

dennis put me on the sweep log for 1pm
but in the spirit of cleaning
which i was actually feeling
and since i was going to lunch at 1pm
i started sweeping at noon
it's supposed to be a 10 minute quick pass through
with the idea being it never gets bad if you do a shitty job three times a day
but it was slow and my back hurt from "team lifting" an emerson shelf alone
so i did a more through job of my department

after lunch i stayed on the register while chanel went to lunch
myrka said she didn't mind staying up there, that she didn't have anything important
but i said, no, my back hurts, and i would just as soon stand in one spot for a while

all during christmas i was straining at the bit to get off register
so i could do my job, only, i'm the only one who seems to care
whether i do my job or not
and today
today i felt like i had done enough

this whole christmas thing reminded me how much i kinda like the register
because what you can do on register is cheer people up
i like that


one woman came through
giant bottle of olive oil, that's all
olive oil, i say
going through the holidays, you can use a lot of oil, she says
yeah, i say, especially if one of the holidays you celebrate happens to be hanukkah
then it's kinda a thing
then you know pretty much what happened
absolutely, i say, and happy new year


karl comes in and he's asking myrka and i if we know the explorer percent signup goal
30% i say without thinking
30%?!  he looks at me incredulously
oh, yeah yeah, right, used to be 30%
they've lowered it, what is it now 15%

14% karl says
the manager is always leaving notes about how we should know what our percent is
although, we can't know unless they look it up and tell us
can you tell me what my percentage is, i ask
karl goes and gets the sheet
he asks me what my number is, he reads across
41% he says somewhat flatly
dennis who has since walked into the room wolf whistles me

karl goes back to myrka
you are only at 4%, you need to fix this or
they will start having performance conversations with you
this is really bad form
as this is kind of a pre-performance conversation and it should not really be happening
in front of other employees
but that just if you care about that kinda stuff
which this company most emphatically does not
just remember dennis chimes in sign up 5 per day
if you can do that you should be fine
this is some number they just pulled out of their ass
it depends entirely on the percentage of the people you ring up who are not already members
5 per day may be safe or it may not

my personal goal with it is a little different
i want everybody to know about the program
and sign up for it if they want to
but, of course, i have a rough number goal too
and that number is 50%

this is basically what i say:
you're a member with us, right?
if they aren't i say, most of the time:
would you like to sign up to get really good coupons through email?  it's free!!!

normally my numbers are between 25%-30%
which is good
i figure i'm a fucking team player
i'm bringin up the group numbers

but, lately
idk
people's responses to me have been
surprising
like, literally, surprising to me
they've started calling me by my name
during christmas several people asked me why the person with the human interaction skills
was at the furthest register
and i feel like several people who were drowning in the holly daze
looked at me like i was the lifeguard coming to save them

sometimes there are a bunch of open cashiers
but they gave us these llama signs to hold up
this register open
and most them
will just stand there holding up the stupid llama sign
and i'm trying to get the poor people's attention
saying something i never ever let anyone say who was working for me

i can help the next person here
waving semi-hysterically

why can't we say that
they used to ask me
it's a straight line, it's right in front of you
you can see who is next
this is not the post office
the polite thing to do is to make eye contact and say
i can help you here
besides, if you leave it up to them who's next
you might get into some sort of social darwinism situation
you gotta be in control


there's more but i might write it tomorrow
need external stimuli

hope you're doing well

it is legit cold here

goodnight sweetheart

meteors

I looked at my phone
it seemed to be saying
tomorrow
meteor hitting the earth


upon closer inspection
it was a thermometer
tomorrow
it will be 24 degrees