anyway

I don't mean that mean
not like I'm trying to get away from you
I just want that for me
and
I haven't figured out how


besides
I've mentioned it before
so
not new
not shocking

for new year

I want six months in the desert


in a trailer
or a shack
or something
I want minimal distraction
I want
to set free
the magical realism
that's always in my brain


how can I make that happen
I can't just move there and get s job
I need to be
free to be
open
and
when I work
I'm closed

i stayed up too late

was hoping for answer
but that's not why I stayed up
to much computer
the cat and I have escalated
he's been cutting me
if I don't get him food fast enough
like I'm on computer
and
since the serrapeptase
nattokinase
and horse chestnut
all thin my blood
sometimes I have a problem
with stopping bleeding
which has also led to me reducing
my dosing of those things
but still
I don't think it's right
and
he shouldn't still be so violent
so
I got a water gun
and
after he cut me up
yesterday
I chased him around and shot him
which he didn't like at all
but
again
tonight
I had to chase him
but
he learned
that he wanted to use evasive tactics
and
maybe
part of why I stayed up so late
was to make him


wait
for dinner
little fucker
I look like a fucking cutter
I've got like 8 cuts in various stages
of healing
but the reason why I finally
squirted him
yesterday
I specifically got up from the computer
to feed him
but since I didn't go to bed
he just came back and cut me
a couple hours later


I miss my little surfer dude cat
this one is very intense
and still
way too violent
in my opinion


good night sweets

good night sweetheart
I love you

front's coming through, i guess

woke up
with a terrible headache
still have it
but
I've had some coffee
I've taken a shower
washed my hair
watched several youtuber's
winter day and night skincare routines
petted the cat
ate oatmeal
not necessarily in that order
gathered some laundry
the amount I'm likely to do today
but
first
I got some errands


I really intended to tell you
some of the weird images
from recent dreams


walking on all fours on the sand


driving a car and when I said I liked it
being told it was an Alfa Romeo


going on some college trip
sleeping in room long beds
with lots of other students
trying to keep straight which
packets of moisturizer were mine


there were lots more
and they're all new symbology
or new variants
not
the kind of stuff I'm used to


don't know what that all means


wish I could laze around with you a little
wish I had a neck and shoulder massage
do you do that?
are you good at it?
I would be the happiest woman alive
right now
if I just had that

i'm not gonna do laundry today either

I'm not gonna do
anything
well, I ate
I took a long long bath
I may mask
it's on the list
but
idk
I'm just feeling
super lazy
I can wear one of those shirts again
not most of em
most of them have already
gone through all the sniff tests
that they'll pass
but
I wore a few shirts
that I wasn't planning to wear to work
and they've only been worn once
and
I have pants
or a skirt
so
I'm golden
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
no work today

good night

hope your day
was great
I'm like
exhausted
I'm going to bed
tomorrow
I'm off
I might sleep in a bit
and
god damn
I gotta do laundry
it is so much
I have no dress code clean shirts
and I'm down to dregs on underwear
which is what I usually do
for happy happy blood time
anyway


I've been thinking
you like cheater eves-dropped
and it makes me think
how can I inject some passers-by
I'm not sure
what it is you like
about my random interactions
lurker variant, maybe
anyway
I'm pondering that
so you know


love you sweets

sorry
had to be here at 6
today
and tomorrow too
I volunteered to work
on Sunday
so family types could do Christmas shit
hope you're good
I think
I'm starting happy happy blood time
and then I have to laugh
at my self
when I say
oh no
because that's such a mess
and I'm so busy
but
ya know
it's always had a sense of humor

i think it must be because something was talkin to me while i snoozed giving me positive thoughts

I hope you're having a great day
I'm actually
in a pretty good mood
although
I can't think why
happy holly daze

I hope you're doin ok
I love you
I'm thinkin about the puppyfish, though
and I'm a little sad

I stayed up too late
I'm gonna be a zombie today
it's gonna be busy
all this means
I'm probably not
saying much today
don't freak out

one thing about being a lurker

sometimes
you find something cool
like
my nephew
I've never met

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

WARRIOR POSE

moving on to other things


before I saw the Mira Sorvino thing
I was going to write this:


I don't understand people
I guess
I was a the register
I was being friendly
this lady was checking out
we had a nice little exchange
while I rung her out
then I said
and you have a happy holiday


do they make you say that, she asked
I mean happy holidays
instead of merry Christmas


no, I say
I say that because
I feel it is more inclusive


well, I don't agree with that


she doesn't agree
that it's more inclusive?


you should say merry Christmas


I probably gave her a look
I've never been very good at that
'you have too expressive a face'
I was told a lot
as a child


if you want to
I think she said this
but it may really just have been
her expression
I couldn't say for certain


anyway, merry Christmas
she says


you have a Merry Christmas
I say
and she adds
or Happy Hanukkah
or whatever


and she kind of rushes away


happy solstice
I mutter under my breath
as she walks toward the door
and I wave the next person over


yes
it's much more efficient
to offend people


that's why I just say have a nice day
myrka tells me later
when I'm complaining
it makes me just want to
say happy kwanza
I reply
but
when is kwanza exactly
I think it's January
so we look it up
no
it's the 26th thru the 1st
every year, I ask
check the google
yes
same every year


but
I'm not actually gonna do that


but
I hate it when people get offended
that you aren't privileging
whatever they believe in
I think it's rude


it's not enough I've had to listen to
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
like four times today
I have to say Merry Christmas
to people it might offend
just so random you
can confirm your rightful place
at the center of the universe
or else
I'm against Christmas

i know you probably want me to talk and i'm feeling pretty non-talkative generally, but i read something that made me mad and i want to tell you about it

i have mixed feeling generally about this metoo stuff

yes
it would be great
if all the sexist problems were solved
but
i see other problems
on the horizon with the way it's all coming down
and
the whole thing makes me uncomfortable personally

but
i read a thing about mira sorvino

and i find myself kind of filled with rage

if a man says
hey baby do x,y,z for me and i'll put you in the picture
well, i mean, that's bad and all
and of course there are circumstances where it might not be
presented in those terms
but
leaving aside those cases for a moment

if a man offers a quid pro quo
and a woman takes it
well, she might have reason to complain
or she might not
there are factors, ya know
in ethics,and equality, and the inequality of life
to get where i think i deserve to be
where my talent should take me
i have to degrade myself

that is a human problem in the broader sense
because people have power
and are fucking assholes and whatnot


but
in her case
it seems verified
that what had certainly seemed like
the first part of a trajectory of a meteoric rise
was cut off
because she refused to have sex
with
what i can only think of the words an odious man
to describe him

she already earned her fame
she was on the way up
she might have wanted to work on his picture
but
it sure wasn't important enough to debase herself
and she said no
and good for her
of course she said no
so the asshole blacklisted her and ruined her career?!

and everyone just went along with that
she's hard to work with story
when there were other people to verify with
what kind of shit is that?!

what kind of town is that place?!

now
i was never really a mira sorvino fan
when she disappeared
i didn't notice
but
i think she should sue him
i think
i think he should have to pay her the hundreds of millions of dollars he probably cost her


i think
there's a lot of gray area
that people want to read as black and white


like, for example
my last boss
one day i was working in the office
and he was in there too
and
all of a sudden i could feel him touching my hair
that was weird
so i said
why are you touching my hair
he stopped
he didn't say anything
it was never mentioned


now
in today's environment
i would be "coming forward" about this
but
there is no need for that
i wasn't harmed
he did something
i didn't exactly tell him to stop
because it didn't even escalate that far

i figured he just wanted to see what my hair felt like

we were on friendly terms
maybe he wanted it to be more friendly
idk
but it was weird

i have touched people
hugged them
or rubbed my hand across their shoulders
and not thought anything about it
just expressing affection for someone i felt affection towards
and if they had asked me to stop
i would have apologized and never done it again



the louis ck thing bothers me
like he asked people if he could masturbate in front of them
i assume they were all women, but i don't know
my understanding was that he just asked them if he could
they weren't involved
he wasn't doing anything to them
and masturbation is essentially a vulnerability there
i would think
and he asked
but they didn't feel safe saying no
and now his career is over
but
that seems like the opposite of h.w.
he didn't understand the power he had over them
he thought he was having a free exchange between equals

or maybe not
,maybe that's all bullshit
it's hard to know how much of what people are saying after the fact is actually bullshit

me
if he had asked me if he could masturbate in front of me
i probably would have said
why?!
before i could stop myself


i don't know why the mira sorvino thing
makes me so angry
but
it does

norman, dark, moon

I dreamed
I was driving around
in the pitch dark
there was a sign
that had a moon
it glowed in the dark
Norman
a guy I went to high school with
was in the car behind me
but we had a com system, somehow
so we could communicate


I can't remember Norman's
last name
or what he did after hs
I remember
he was the cowboy kid
and
that his mother had remarried
and was only allowed to keep him
til he turned 18
then he had to get out
they weren't helping him
with college
or
anything else
and
I judged his mother pretty harshly
for choosing her new husband
over her kid
not
that I ever met her
or
got her side of the story
and
not
that I was besties with Norman
I don't think I've thought about him
unless I've mentioned him before


i don't know what it means
that I'm thinkin about him now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KutqU7y4_ME&sns=tw

well
it's not like
a digging out the car situation
but
there is a fine dusting of white on everything
which
will make the drive to work
more dangerous
but
is kinda pretty

s'posed to snow tomorrow

so now i'm being haunted

I can't remember
this morning
yesterday morning
when I got up
on the shelf beside my bed
where I keep the phone
there was a jade jaguar
all blocky and Mayan looking
that looked up at me
hey mom
you kinda messed me up
but
I'm back
didn't go anywhere else
or
maybe I did and it didn't work out
but
I'm all free to help you with that book
you're always talking about writing
you recognize me, right?
it's the puppyfish

also, i almost forgot

there was another dream
where I called in
on some show
and
talked to a politician
I'm not sure it was
someone
who is a politician in real life
but
in the dream they were
and I was taking them to task
about something
and
then afterwards
everyone was talking about
what amazing stand up
I had done
but
it wasn't intended to be
I was really
just
taking her to task
but
whatever
maybe that's a career path
comedy

good dreams

I had an antique truck
and I went to stay on a farm
the guy that ran it
took one look at my truck
and decided I was the girl of his dreams
which didn't do much for me
because he was kinda like
Joe Rogan and didn't appeal to me
on multiple levels
but
the fact that somebody else
was interested in me
made you
finally
serious
so we were talking
and
then you were on your phone
and somebody came in
and stole your sandwich
so
I made you a grilled cheese
with guacamole
it was huge
and
there was something with wine
I've forgotten