did i ever tell you [warning: stream of consciousness]

it snowed on my sixth birthday
now
maybe that's not a big deal
if you live somewhere where it snows
but
that was the first time it had snowed in my lifetime
i mean
sure, i'd seen snow on the television

it was january, and
as it happened
i had a cold
i was sick, a lot, as a child
and they didn't really think i should play in the snow
but
i mean
it might now happen again in my childhood
and they figured i wouldn't die
so

i put on like three pairs of socks
my trusty maxi coat
which was still long at that point
we stuck my feet in some empty roman meal bread bags
ya know
to keep my feet from getting wet
and
out i went


i tried to find a video of it
but
the only one i could find that looked right
was from the 1960 snow
which i can't remember anyone mentioning
hurricane carla was the only weather event i remember being talked about

whatever
that's a little off topic

here's the best representation (plus she's got a link to 1895 20" snowfall downtown picture)

that downtown picture
the town was 58 years old


we built a snowman
it was weird looking
i saw a picture
i think it was in a packet that deborah handed me
she came in to my work
when my father was in the hospital
i'm not sure what she was trying to do
she somehow had the idea that i was abandoning him
i didn't think that was what was going on at all
but
she did upset me at work
and
manage to push me away from him
maybe i abandoned him after that

we built a snowman
we had a carrot for the nose
we used light bulbs for the eyes
i'm not sure about the mouth
what was the mouth
we used one of my dad's hats
a black woven number that i think they call a beanie today
but
when he wore it with his peacoat
he looked like a merchant marine


i can remember that house so well
we didn't live there long
it was a house they rented
was directly across the alley from my gran gran
it was a cute little bungalow
i watched love american style there
before deborah enforced the 9pm bedtime
that was where we lived when i stuck the exacto in my hand trying to whittle
the dangers of public television
i had my own bedroom
i had curtains and sheets with big abstract orange and yellow flowers
that frightened me
because they looked like faces in the dark

i remember

i'm wondering

if I'm writing you a story
what you would most like
to read
I've had a lot of things
floating around
but
nothing's really
settling in for the long haul


think at me

actually

2000 pounds
really isn't that unusual
but
all at one time and quickly is
and I had to move displays
before I could set those up
the order
came
both earlier and later
than I expected


I know this isn't interesting
but
I am a golden god!

i just moved LITERALLY a TON of wine

and
I'm sweating
but
I'm not exhausted
so
my supplementation
WORKS!

sorry, that might

have been
supposed to be
6000 per day
per polling location
I think that's right
not like
6000 across all the polling locations
but I'm not sure how many there are
not like a couple though
like a list


it feels weird to have voted already
although
this is the second time
I've done
early voting


but
it's still almost two weeks
weird

i love you

I'm doing a promo change next week
so
some overnighting
that actually worked better last time
I wish I could listen to music
or book tape
while I work
but
I can't
I kinda block everything out
for one
and too
I can't really work with a device strapped to me
I drop it
or break it
but
I can sometimes
use another part of my brain
to write something
so
maybe I can do that
we'll see


there was something else
some point
but
I'm listening to the radio
and
it's left me


anyway
whenever I think of it
I'll have to write again
I feel like it was semi important


anyway
I love you

well, i early voted

so I don't have to worry about how to fit it in
on actual election day
it was busy
at 10:30 on a Wednesday
they're expecting like 60% early voting
in my county
6000 a day in my city, I think


I voted straight ticket
which I rarely do
even if I actually do, ya know
and I wanted to vote
straight ticket green
except
I think there only is the top of the ticket green
and I wanted to vote for jill stein
and i almost did
but in the end
I voted against trump


and then
maybe
starting the day after election
I'll join whoever will run against her


it's a bad thing

i'm thinkin about you sweetness

i've been haunted all day by my dream from last night

i dreamed i got a job with my aunt
we had to be there really early
but
i wasn't with her
i don't think she was in the dream
just mentioned

but
she had lived in my grandparent's garage apartment
when i was a kid
and
i guess the implication was
i was going to their house from her apartment

that's the house i grew up in
the one i think of as "home"

it was dark
early morning
and i opened the gate
went through the dark covered section
so scary
dark
then in the back door
of the laundry room
an enclosing of the original back porch/yard/something
then up the cement steps
one, two, three
into the pantry
into the kitchen
into the dining room

so happy to be home
so quiet

then i heard something from the living room
stuck my head through the pocket door

my gran gran and paw paw were sitting in their chairs

he looks over at me
you can't just come here you know, he said
you have to give advance warning
like i was disturbing their eternal slumber

i didn't know you'd be here, i stammered

but i felt like i didn't have a home anymore

today was hard

it's not a big deal
but it did suck


anyway
my brain is still fried
so I'm not gonna stun you with brilliance


but
I do have a question
does Chelsea really believe that
marijuana kills people


I keep seeing I in the feeds
but
I haven't bothered to fact check that
but
if she does believe it
what could she possibly
be basing that belief upon


apparently
it cures cancer
haven't fact checked that either


I want weed
I miss it
maybe it could cure all my health issues
and get me high too


good night sweetheart

ok, so possibly i have offended you with my outlier opinion

but whatever
men and women have baggage
if we are going to hold everyone accountable
for every nervous bullshit attempt at humor
for their entire life
whatever
I think
he's said enough stuff
right now
in public
that we can take umbrage with


and
when you are dealing with men
you may not get this
but
you've got to take their generation into account


I'm much more offended by things
people have actually done
that by shit they said


but
it was interesting to note how
disconnected he is
like thinking that "locker room banter"
will play with anyone


but
having that press conference
that was weird
and having them all sit there in the room
I'm guessing
to rattle, or threaten Hilary
it's not good taste, for sure
but
it's beyond that


I mean, maybe he's trying to underscore
hey I just said some stupid shit
this guy actually harassed these women
except bill isn't the one running
so
I think
he was trying to say
that Hilary harassed them too
smearing them
victim blaming, maybe
cover up, for sure
it's a shame
he is so inarticulate
because he really did not make his case
he just came off really kinda creepy to me


and
maybe it was supposed to be
like an arms race
like
you talk about me
well I brought the big guns


but
it just was kinda cluster-fuck
I mean, he did better than the first one
but Hilary didn't
and
I can't really call a winner
I guess you'd have to say she won
but
it didn't really feel like that
because I don't see that she accomplished anything


I still wish it was possible
to not end up with either one of these jokers


she can get things done
I believe that
I just don't trust her to do things I agree with


probably
I should just suck it up
and say
first woman president
yay


bought and sold
dynasticism
she voted for the war and is, I believe
a hawk generally
she just represents a lot of stuff I really don't like
and
truthfully
I was leaning toward not voting
for the first time
but
that seems wrong too
so
if I'm disillusioning you
I'm sorry

i feel like i should write something

but except for
the surreality of the press conference
haven't got much
I hope you're doing well

hoisted on his own petard

just to start honest--  i don't think anyone is disillusioned.  no one, surely, believed him a feminist.

but i feel kind of sorry for him.

he was talking to a younger dude.  he was trying to be funny.  he was being--  as close as i imagine him capable--  self-deprecating.  what he said on the bus.  eleven years ago.  it's ridiculous and hypocritical, almost, not to just let that shit go.

this is just the two of the one two punch.  which would never have worked.  if he had any impulse control what-so-ever.

so, does this underscore her effectiveness?  absotively!  she had the beauty queen lined up before the debate.  ready to go.  but she has to walk that not being a bitch line--  she just throws it out, almost casually.

and i'll be damned if he doesn't pick it up and fucking run with it.

ok.  she's a beauty queen.  she's got a contractual obligation to maintain a certain weight.  she didn't.  it caused some trouble and he may have lashed out at her inappropriately in frustration.  i'm pretty sure it went well beyond that.  but, if he had to say anything.  something like that.  to screech to anyone who will listen about what a terrible fatso she was crosses a line of decorum he's been one-two-skip-to-my-loo-ing for as long as i've been paying attention

but he made it the story.

it might have faded out, handled right.


there was a time when i thought, maybe, all his bluster and hot-button bigotry was a strategy.  i mean, not one i liked, but, ya know, it maybe made some kind of sense.  the republicans have been coalitioning the religios and the hatemongers for a while now.  it's not new.

what was new, and frankly, a little exciting, about him was his extemporaneity.


the people wanted something real.  the right-wing rallied around him.  telling themselves that he was a really really great business man who would make terrific deals for them and in their interest.

the left got thwarted by the machine.  maybe because she's just too effective, or maybe because, in the end, they aren't belligerent enough.  regardless.  the majority wanted something different.  both the blues and the reds agreed on that much, and, oh, the independents, what color are they.

if the thing that is finally too much, seriously, after everything, is that he said pussy on a hot mic...
i mean, bill clinton has said worse on the golf course.  i'm not even kidding.

i have thoughts on the donald

but
I don't have time to write them now
later

you might not think
this would be the case
but
pumpkin spice triscuits
excellent

punch & judy

ok
the whole punching bag thing
it reminds me of
maybe the only thing I've ever done
that I'm ashamed of


now
I don't remember this super clearly
but I'm gonna say
I was probably six


and
I'm gonna preface this
I got credit for throwing temper tantrums
when I was a small child
by six I was pretty calm, generally
but even the quote temper tantrums end-quote were more like in ability to control
my huge emotion
I'd get to crying
I couldn't stop
then I couldn't breathe
that wasn't by design


I was the first kid
the first grandkid
by the time they met my cousin
they never again
she would lay on the floor
flailing
screaming
and she was trying to get her way
which is a more appropriate
illustration of tantruming


of course
after I was living with Deborah
there was an immediate feedback loop
to constantly remind me
why
control was really the only way
and Spock
he was my mentor


but
my cousin
she pissed me off
I think she got most of the attention I had previously gotten
but
she provoked me
and she disturbed
I don't know
the way things should have been
with me and my gran gran


and she always sided with her


now
if I was six
maybe close to seven
she couldn't have been more than three


so
maybe not logical on my part
but
looking back
I'm sure it just added on to
the whole my daddy siding with Deborah
telling her all my secrets


and maybe there was
a little anger
like
maybe she could have
fought to keep me with her
instead
of letting me go to a place
where I was unhappy
because by that time
I was two to three years into
evil-stepmother-land


I had no conscious awareness of any of that


I was just being held, restrained
by her
I'm not sure why
what did she think I was gonna do
but I was facing her
and this wave of anger overtook me
and


I punched her in the stomach


in my mind now
she is
the frail woman she was right before she died
at sixty-seven




but really
I don't think she'd had her first heart attack
she was about your age
at least the age I'm pretty sure you are


but
sometimes
I just see it over and over in my head
like a spectator
watching


punch
punch
punch
punch
punch


see how you can be

clowns

I wanted to write something
about clowns
because, ya know
there's that whole thing going on
and i don't get it
in a whole new way
than I typically don't get
patterns of violent behavior


I find
I haven't got much for clowns
I watched Bozo the clown as a kid
had a Bozo punching bag


I had forgotten about that
until just this second


but
for me
even that
wouldn't really be about clowns


I don't have a special category for clowns


I was never afraid of them


but
they were never my favorite either


my hippy aunt
talked about wanting to be a clown
or a prostitute
or a nun


I think it had some anonymous element
for her
and
performing a role
rather than having to be herself


man I thought she was crazy


not as crazy as these clown imposters


they've got the poor real clowns
going door to door
trying to rehab they're reputation


and i guess
as chaotic decline goes
we're on track
for the apocalypse

Quetz'l

i saw it yesterday
fluttering around the christmas ornaments
so beautiful
and
so frightening
feathered serpent

and i wondered
why
why am i a quetz'l child

i'm not native enough to count
i'm almost too white to buy makeup
and besides
i'm all
american and stuff

but still
quetz'l