i'm sorry i haven't been much fun

I don't think I mentioned
my knee was involved as well
but
I'm like 80% back to my
75% back to normal
that I was before
or there abouts
the maca isn't doing anything at all anymore
so
between those things
I don't think
I've been
too much fun
and
I'm sorry about that
also
I feel some anxiety, generally
so
I guess that's gonna be what I get this month
for happy happy blood time
which I coming
in about a week
so
joy
I've had crazy crazy dreams, though
I wish I was having romantic dreams
I'm doing what I can

i fell yesterday at work

and I was really worried
that I might have damaged myself
somehow
but
I'm happy to report today
that I seem fine
just a little sore
I kinda tried to catch myself
which is bad and i know better
so I impacted my left hand
and I was worried it was sprained at first
but it's ok
I was clumsy as a small child
so I learned to fall well
but I was pretty preoccupied yesterday

i love you

I hope you're happy and healthy
and doing ok

are you imagining things

I feel like you are

today, today i wish

we could stay in bed all day
sleep
and
play
not worry about anything
just do
whatever the spirit moved us


I want to feed you
fruit, specifically
I want to rub mango on your nipples
and lick it off
maybe, I want to have whatever the sexy version of a food fight would be
I want to be sticky with fruit juices
so when we contact we stick
all the different sensations
opposite of slip and slide
then
sugar scrubs
we probably have to leave the bed and go to the bathroom for that
something that smells really good
so it's like all over body massage
but also exfoliation
so our skin will be extra sensitive
for whatever's next
we wash it off in the shower
if you're into that, you could wash my hair
and showers are nice
I don't think I've done that
taken a shower together
for like 15years, at least
the water and your hands
I could do any number of fun things to you
depending on what you like
in the shower


this is fun

growling, oh the snarl

you
come up behind me
your arms wrap around me
you squeeze
a little too tight
your hands clutch my breast
tight and hard with a slight kneading as
you bite my shoulder, my neck
you growl
low
a feeding beast
and i moan
wet from the sound of you
the touch of you
your hungry mouth

you bite my fiery wing
you pull them back
pinning me

then you enter
biting down on my shoulder
squeezing harder on my breast
growling

and i scream

it hurts
but it doesn't hurt
you are in control
but you are completely out of control
and i am not afraid

i am

consumed

i'm going to bed soon

I'm going to imagine
and
ya know, it's kinda funny
because I go back and forth
sometimes I'm wildly fixated on sex
sex with you
and/or imagining specific things
but then
other times I think things like
I don't even care about that
I just want to hug him
or kiss him
or cuddle with him
like it's very specifically not sexual
but
mostly
there's some kind of flow between the two
and I guess that's normal


concomitantly
I have this fear
that either you only
see me as whatever
or
you only love my mind
and
I have to talk myself down, sometimes
from either position
and
I guess that's normal-ish
given my circumstances
I want you to want me
which is unusual
but
I don't want to be whatever


I'm not sure this is making any sense


I've already fallen asleep on the sofa


I want everything from light frothy sweetness
to really kinda hard core sweaty stuff
but
I don't want the indelicate stuff
to make you think less of me
I'm not sure why it would
but
I seem to worry about it
it's weird


but
I'm going to fall asleep
after
thinking of you and touching myself
I want you bad
but
I want the non-sexual stuff
with the same sort of longing
there
maybe that explained
some of the crazy

i love you

I am feeling
this like overwhelming swell
of affection this morning
I wish
I could like lounge around with you
I'm not feeling particularly frisky
but
I just imagine
a sun-filled bedroom
and a really comfortable bed
and maybe some tunes
maybe later we'll walk to the park
or go to the museum
but right now
it's just us
together

i missed a jim jarmusch film

that, in and of itself
not so bad
but
it's vampire themed
maybe you saw it
only lovers left alive
I saw a clip
on black phoenix alchemy lab
where I haven't been for
clearly
years
anyway
seemed like somethin
we woulda seen
so I'll try to get my hands on it
soon as i can


I love you
I miss you baby
you rock my world
not even jokin

i did somdthing crazy

I subscribed to ipsy
normally I don't believe in that kind of thing
but it's only $10 a month
and I'm hoping I'll get wild stuff
for preferences
I put:
hip and edgy
club goer
vintage style
world cultures
so, we'll see
I wont get anything until October
which is kinda a bummer
but
I'm gonna be purdy

i love you

that's it
that's all I want to say
right now

the scene

it's dark
it's a club
normally I wouldn't like that
all the people
but
tonight
I do
people are wearing white
not me, you understand, but others
and the lights are reflecting colors
as they flash by
it's crowded
anonymous
let's say
we've taken x
so my joints are springy
and I want to dance
colors are bright bright bright
even though it's dark
and I want to know you
from the depth of every pore


in this world
we aren't afraid to be seen
but
the energy in the room
intensifies things like an orgone generator
I run my hands over you
unabashed
you look at me the way you used to
before you were afraid
it's too noisy
we can't talk
but
we can't keep our hands off each other
and
maybe we've had a few jello shots as well
because
in addition to the x
I feel that alcoholic edge of
oh god, I'm not even sure what I might do
will tonight be the night I have sex
in a public bathroom
I find that mildly revolting
in a germy kind of way
but
it might just be necessary
because
dear lord
I think I need you in me NOW


you know somebody, though
and there's this room

i just got up

I woke up around 7:30 or 8
but I went back to sleep
I guess I was really tired
that's a lot of sleeping


I was dreaming
I was a DJ or something
some sort of underworld party queen
it was a roaming party
for secret agents
and arms dealers
and i don't know what all
but somehow
it was about mushrooms


I've been taking cordyceps mushrooms
for a while now
and they have made a huge difference
in my energy level
how I feel
but
so much so
that I'm trying to decide
what is the next mushroom supplement
reishi, chaga, or something less obvious


I think
that's where that part of the dream comes from


I love you
I hope you slept well

i fell asleep on the sofa

and I'm a little muddled
I don't think I can write something
which I had meant to do
I had a tiring day
my fantasy tonight
would revolve around massage
but I had meant to make it sexy
even though I'm tired
I wish I was touching you right now
but
I'm not getting poetry
I'm getting desire for hot tub
maybe we're in a cabin in the mountains
 I'm sorry
I'm fighting sleep to write this


sleep with me
wake up with me
let's have breakfast in bed

tonight let's

lie in the dunes
and stare up at the milky way
the power of the silent empty ocean
crushing us into it's sandy bed
I love you, I say
and you squeeze my hand
because the bird flew away with your tongue
I hope he brings it back
because I want to kiss you
but
in the mean time
I press my forehead to yours
in the rapture of psychedelic union
I love you, you thrust
as I bite your lips, gently
you kiss my salty tears
wept for your tongue
you thrust emphatically
no, I don't need to say anything
you know, you know
love you
love you
until my eyes roll back in my head
I scream
I writhe
I pray to the great feathered one
you release in contorted facial splendor
and with such force
that I can feel the tide come in
I lick your face
and lie back
into the bed of stardust

please dream with me tonight

I want to
sway
your arms around me
I want to kiss you full on the mouth
taste your honeyed mouth
as you whisper
words of love
I want to feel your body
your heat
move through me
like a runaway train
make me scream your name
I dare you
make me believe in magic

desire

you know
it's really weird
I think I must be feeling better
because
it's like a constant craving
and i thought that had waned
with the whole ridiculous celebacy thing
I don't really know what I believe
but
there's still a hungry creature inside me
resurrecting for Halloween
it's really romantic and all
but
it's super inconvienient

thank you

for
starting
and stopping
and, theoretically
starting again later
I mean, damn

are you doing something?

because
either you are or there is something wrong with me
I swear to god
I can't work like this
I'm about to have to stand
in one spot for three hours and talk to people
and
I'm having
full body
electric
somethin
for the love of god
stop until five
or
I may lose my mind


I want you
so bad
right now
I'm almost unable to function

i love you sweetheart

I'm cycling back
I'm gonna try to get up extra early
the next couple days
because I've got one of those promo change
weeks next week
but I switched some stuff already
so, maybe
maybe it won't go so rough


I've been toying with the idea
of doing another BRIEF bout of gotu kola
but not right this minute
I'm doing really well
but
I can't really tell that the ho shou wu did anything
or the pine bark extract
the noni seems good
but
turns out to be an abortificant
so
probably won't be on the list
so
I think the boswellia works
horse chestnut, definitely
cayenne
but
I can't find anything else
that repairs tissue
and build collagen like the gotu kola
and i still have a little scar tissue on the outside
I'm sure I'm not fixed on the inside either
but
I don't want to be psychotic
so
I'm gonna keep looking
I really don't know why it had that effect
on me
nowhere does it list
mood swings as a side effect


anyway
I'll warn you if I do
and I'll do radio silence
if necessary


I wish
I could hug you
and kiss you
and stuff


I got a real estate book
before I spent money on course work
and
it's really not that interesting
so
I'm not really any further along
with the financing
I am healthier though, I think
so that's something
I wish
I wish
if wishes were fishes
one fish, two fish
goldfish
ish