my subconscious mind has alerted me

we have made a decision
about where we are going
with the story
I had an almost ache to write
my conscious has now taken over
and I expect
you'll see one or maybe two
clementine rodrigo letters this week

I love you

look the tarot is going all crazy on me

i don't know if i upset you somehow
i certainly didn't think i even really said anything
i was just trying to make
something clearer
that was not really even important

but
if you think
i said something bad
then
just wash that thought out of your mind

then again
this month
i seem to be experiencing a little paranoia
as my over heightened emotion

maybe the cards were just showing that back to me

now they are showing me
9 of cups, and
9 of cups, and
wheel of fortune, and
page of wands, and
page of discs

so
idk
maybe you're fine

ok, i didn't just go make coffee

i decided
i would make a vegetable [really mushroom] stew for dinner
i'm using ghee for the oil
that's the first time i'm doing that
i'm very excited
and so far
it tastes good

but
i had a dream last night
and it's distracting me
so
maybe i should tell you about it

i was at a garden party
i guess you'd call it
it was outside, anyway
it was kind of an arbor-y area
with vines draping overhead, very pretty
i was telling the hostess
what a good job she had done
and we were in some social group
the same group
which is why i was at this party
because
the hostess was
debbie heather
who i have been not thinking about
so it worries me that she's popping back up in my dreams
but
i am sick
and we were being friendly
so maybe this is not a bad sign

so, anyway
i'm walking around
and the weather is beautiful
but it has been raining for days prior
and when i find my party
[none of whom look familiar to me
but who are supposed to be my family]
they are all sitting on pallets, on the ground, butts wet

why did they sit down there
because those were their assigned seats

yeah, but why did they sit down there, rather than complaining straightaway
no answer
but they are affronted
and it is my job to somehow make this right

so
i go inside
i'm looking for outdoor chairs
then the woman from my family
who i'm supposed to know is my mother
but, now that i'm really looking at her, looks more like robert's mother
remember robert?
anyway
she just starts pulling whatever furniture out the door
stop that, i yell angrily
that'll get completely ruined if you take it outside

i don't care she screams back
she didn't care if our stuff got ruined

but i'm better than that, i scream, really angry now
and if you want to associate with me
then you have to be better than that too
i'm not kidding
you don't know why she did what she did
maybe she had someone else set it up
and they didn't pay attention

she might not even know
but even if she did

NO

what the hell do you think that means?

introducing buttermilk corvid

the place she was staying had an enormous pool.  she'd been watching people swim laps all morning.  they seemed to have a purpose about it, maybe they were practicing for olympic trials.  after about twenty minutes she had found it incredibly boring, but had been unable to look away.  it was like a train wreck, other people's motivations.  but she borrowed the metaphor alright:  she plunged through the door icy, brisk, whatever, to swim her way through whatever the hell they expected of her today.  why did people come to hear her speak?  it didn't make any kind of sense to her.  if they liked her books that was great, thank you, but what did they expect beyond that, she couldn't fathom.

good morning  she said swooping around the room trying to disturb anyone in a restful mood, what are we about this morning?

here she looked significantly at the person she had identified as:  introduce the speaker placeholder.  why am i here?  she thought, really hard, at the ISavatar.

for those of you who are mystery readers the woman before you needs no introduction.  author of  the elements murders, careful, you may not want what's behind door number ?, the taffy pinkerton series, and her new book blue kitchen first book of the new out of time series.  she is here to share with us, writers and readers alike--  what is the mystery of mystery writing.  this is not really a writing class and not really a lecture--  it's more of an informal exchange of ideas designed to get you thinking.

shit, she remembered writing that last part.  that's why there were so many people here--  they wanted to pick her brains. ...brains...brains...brains...  probably needed to write a zombie book soon, that's popular now, right.  hell is other people.

i just reread that and there's something that didn't come out clearly at all

it's the things that get bulled through
that matter less
they are more immediate and urgent, yes
but they are less about me
and so less important to be perfect
it sounded to me
when I read it again
like I was saying the opposite

and
I meant
a writing partner
because
as soon as anybody else
started to take charge and change things
then I would have to
make decisions
or lose control

I think

i got sick yesterday

i had to leave work
i was too dizzy to stand
much less work
and
i had someone drive me home because i didn't feel safe to drive myself

now today
i didn't go in either

and
i took a cab
to pick up my car
because i didn't feel like i could handle the bus
but i did feel safe to drive
and i thought i might need my car

i stopped at the cvs to pick up some dayquil
but i ended up getting mucinex because i keep hearing how good it is

i think
once this freak-o-rama cold front blows in
i might be able to function again
whoever heard of a hurricane in alaska

whatever
i'm dizzy, and disoriented, and migraine-y
with all my neck and shoulder muscles seized up
oh, and congested

but i think i wandered around cvs for and hour and a half
telling myself   focus  over and over again

and then i've had about a million calls and texts
i really feel  like i should maybe be paid for today
well, i mean, i will get sick pay, but you know what i mean

anyway
the dream is taking on a narrative
so i might be writing you something
but i'm not sure today is possible
but i think she's becoming more fleshed out

i guess you've got by now
i'm an idea person
i create the character pretty easily
i got a million names
but
when i hit a snag
it tends to snag me

creative projects don't get bulled through the way tangible ones do
i guess because they matter less
in a way
i probably need a partner

i like this character, though
she's an introvert
who has to play an extroverted role
and it makes her slightly misanthropic
so she continually makes up her back story on the spot
changes her wikipedia page regularly
just to fuck with people

her name
well
her father is chinese and he has an odd sense of what an american name should be
her mother is one of those hardworking scandinavian women she thought it was simple and honest
when her father came to america he had buttermilk for the first time
he loved it, said:  what is this called; ... i'm going to name my first child buttermilk
her mother was shocked that she was so fair, not dark haired like her father
and she just took to calling her that
it's a nickname

her real name is...jonquil...maybe
corvid?
oh she had an early obscession with poe
he's the whole reason she wanted to write... really

i love you

i dreamed about mystery writer extrordinaire buttermilk corvid

I can't tell you about it now
but
later
I will

this is still trippin me out so i'll tell you

I gave this woman my credit card
and she said
wow, your name is familiar
are you from H ______
yes
did you go to HS _____
yes
oh
I'm Gretchen _______'s sister
I knew I recognized your name
now
I'm not sure I ever knew Gretchen had a sister
and Gretchen and I had one class together
she was in tenth grade
when I was a senior
and
I graduated thirty years ago

how popular was I?

because that shit never really crossed my mind
but
I mean
I'd be hard pressed to tell you
anyone's name
there are a bunch of people
that I know I knew
can't remember their names