so maybe if i talk about it
or just talk
maybe that'll help
but truthfully, i have so many things i want to talk about
not stories
just stuff that's been happening
or that i dreamed
that my brain is full
and i don't know
i can't focus
i wanted to kind of play with the multiple uses of tunnel
but not in an obvious way
and
i really wanted to have a tunnel of love ride in there
with you and i
i've never done that
but i've been on a tunnel boat ride at this old park in san antonio
i was a kid, and i'm sure i had a chaperone
but i figure i could extrapolate
but then
i kinda want to write about that park
and i just don't remember it clearly
there was a hall of mirrors
the whole thing was super dark and gothic-y
if this is the park
which i'm not 100% sure
but then that takes me even farther away from my actual topic
which has something to do with
father daughter relationships being
somehow unavoidably related to adult romantic relationships
and how what i had
with my father
somehow
connects
through time
to what i'm trying to have with you
and maybe what that is
my father told me he had an i.q. of like 145 or something
i have very specifically never had mine tested
i don't want to know
well, that's not quite the flavor of what i mean
i don't believe in standardized testing
and, really, what does all that mean anyway
but my father had stuff
that i grew up thinking was normal
that i've never found in anybody else
that ability to encapsulate a quality of experience into a phrase
that play of words
i have always done that
but it doesn't seem like too many people do
maybe i just don't hang around the right people
i do seem to have a knack for finding myself among the normals
possibly there is some break in me that causes this
some subliminal need for stability
somehow i think this has either helped or hurt us
but my father and my mother both
they, i was gonna say, weren't good parents, but maybe that's not fair
i can't really say what i would have done in their place
i just know what i think i woulda done
and the reason that i think i woulda done it is because
i was there watching it, seeing how their decisions affected me
which, of course, as a parent, you wouldn't have that advantage, perspective
unless your kid told you stuff like:
please don't scream at each other, it really upsets me
like, when my mom would come to pick me up for visits
they didn't even have to see each other
i could walk out the door when the bell rang
i could be home by 8:30pm
but no
he had to see me out
and i'm not sure it was always him starting it
whatever was going on with them was the important thing
do i even want to be telling you stuff like that is that even important
it seems like it's important for you to know some of that
because you didn't come from that
you came from other stuff
and some of that you talk about, so i feel like i'm on firm ground here
but i've kind of told you this stuff before
so why do i need to do this now
is this just all about me
because i'm specifically trying to make this about us
or maybe, there's this tunnel that runs through time
