i'm thinking about you

and how i love you, and stuff
i wish
i knew
something
a particular content
from your thoughts
not sexual stuff
just day to day stuff, really
but
in the future
like
our time travel
date

turns out i've got 1 more week

but
as of last week
11.2%
so
i didn't think i'd make it
but
it looks like i have
yea me

huh huh

good news and bad news on the skin care front

good news:
the overnight cream
as it turns out from researching the new zealand site
has not only ginseng, reishi, and medicinal herbs
it has honey and snow lotus

the snail cream is good
i think
but
i think i'd rather it smelled like slime
it's perfume-y
and i hate that
it's sticky
and i'm not mad about that
but it is soothing
and if it has a positive impact
it might be first string


and the bad news:
that eye cream
the one i have fallen in love with
it was at tjmaxx because shiseido discontinued it
it's been in their line forever
and they discontinued it

did you know
shiseido is the oldest still existing cosmetic company
1872 or something

but
it'll take me close to a year to use that one up
probably
so
whatever

my skin is looking pretty good

exciting snail mail

i got my missha order in the mail
finally
the snail creams seem very light
and very scented
i'm not sure how they are going to work
but
i tend to pick my skin care experientially

how does it smell
how does it feel
and
i don't think i'm gonna be giving up the l'occitane regenerating oil
even if it's not korean
in fact
i found a night eye cream
which has been highly rated
at the tjmaxx
and i think i'm in love with it
and it's shiseido [japanese]

probably it isn't any more important that they all be korean
than it was, when i was younger, that they all be the same brand

the sales women were always telling me:
it will be a sign that you're grown up when you can stick to one line
but, really
each line has wonder products that draw people in
but no one line is awesome at everything
and
if it's gonna make me react when i use other lines
it's full of too much junk then
i say: hah

but
while i was waiting for the snail cream to arrive
i bought a toner and emulsion which i love
truthfully, maybe i love the toner from sooryehan better
[they gave me a sample of the moisturizing ginseng stuff]
but this emulsion is like the l'occitane --  skin love

[although that is the only l'occitane product i feel that way about]

but this toner emulsion work together really well and smell so beautiful
red ginseng kinda herby and woody
they are firming

i got a 5 ginseng serum from the same place as the snail cream
and it smells ok, not awesome, but it's moisturizing
like for seriously dry skin
and i got a free gift with all this stuff
an herbal medicine line overnight cream
which is revitalizing, with ginseng and reishi
so i was excited
because, really

i would like to get all the things my skin responds well to
ideally in one product
[but no one seems to make that]

ginseng, reishi, seaweed, lotus, royal jelly, chlorella growth factor, dead sea minerals, immortelle, that's all i can think of right now

strangely
the things that should be good, just everyday things
olive and soy
my skin hates them
when i hit say 30
and started looking for skin care
they would always steer me towards the soy
but my skin, apparently, either has plenty of estrogen, or
can tell the difference
it will break me out with horrible painful bumps
olive just irritates, and will not absorb
it's like my skin rejects them

my tummy likes them fine though

so
now i have too many products, maybe
and i have to figure out what my routine is

the cho bo yang revitalizing serum with the gerum sul overnight cream
which i put across my nose and cheeks
feels really great

the snail cream
doesn't feel like much, kinda sticky
the toner and emulsion snail stuff is completely absorbed and dry
on my hand [lower slime %]
so those can layer in somewhere without incident

i think i went from low maintenance to high
but
i really am enjoying this stuff

this morning

about 9am
i thought i felt you
pulling at me, like
why, why is there nothing

i'm sorry
i haven't been writing
and i did say that i felt a story coming on
but
it isn't here yet

and
i don't know

i just
feel like

i lost something
and
i found something
and
i'm not sure what you think will happen
and
i'm not sure what i want to happen
and
i'm not sure what i can deal with

but
i can't be darling right now
i can't be a flower

on the other hand
i'm not bitter or angry or anything
i'm just confused about what's real
and
what i was always supposed to know was pretend
but didn't know
and
what was each of us, perhaps
painting ourselves into corners

and
i feel very young
and
i feel like everything is too late for me
and
i think you probably made your choice really
and
i don't know how i really fit in

and
i love you like crazy
but it is wicked boring to say this shit to you
this is not what you want


you can get the blah blah blah
i'm sure
elsewhere


i had this dream the other night
i was at someone's house, some girl
like a high school sleep over

and i went to take a bath
the bathroom had a long glass case
with some small collectible figurines [or something]
which i thought was kinda creepy

but i got in the tub
and i lay in the warm water
and i could feel it
and it felt really really good

i started to touch myself
and
it was
not quite a male thing
as i was pulling on it
thinking how good that felt
i was carefully examining the facts of it
and it was not a male thing
but
i was thinking it was too much like one
that you wouldn't like that at all

and then
it went away
and i was back to normal

only i wasn't too happy about that either
i would have liked to finish
see what happened

i want to know
what crazy things you think of

i think you miss me, a lot, and i think you think about me
i wish i knew what you think about
and what disturbs you


what does he really want from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=457775&Date=1%2F21%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=248916&Date=1%2F21%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=799735&Date=1%2F21%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

so the new cold remedy soup will be korean soft tofu stew

i made it today
and
it was easy and good
i'm not sure i made it exactly

i went to the food court
attracted by the words soft tofu
thinking it would be all veg
and i got a veg one
but mostly they were meat

i really loved it
so i thought i'd try to reproduce it
i didn't get soft enough tofu though
but it was still delicious

it's toasted sesame oil [this is my recreation]
with garlic, onion and red pepper powder cooked in the hot oil, briefly
then i added some shrimp paste
and this awesome liquid veg broth to hot water
and stirred it in

one small carrot grated in
two handfuls snow peas
couple of cups of either shredded cabbage or bok choy
brick of tofu cut into cubes
[it's really supposed to be some special soft tofu
like clouds in the bowl
but my regular tofu poached in spicy broth was nice]
and
a package of enoki mushrooms

when i turned off the heat
i stirred in some white miso

super fast, super easy
and i was surprised that i didn't have to experiment more
to get the flavor i was looking for

love enoki, love them up, yum

i love you

i hope
you are ok
and you know that i love you

and all that good stuff

the girl in my dream was writing a book --

called

in repair
although i remembered it as in process
until i looked at what i had written down

i was listening in my sleep
to haruki murakami's
after dark
which i've had for a while, unheard

so, i went to work today, and it was all different

one of the supervisors interceded
for me, i think
on my helper's behalf
so she won't have to leave

my regional purse strings
who had said:
that $2000 you got there is all there is
[after i had restocked last week
and bought promo items]
apparently
didn't say that at all

what she meant to say was
she couldn't fund overages that were not for
ad items, basically

and though i'm not thrilled
that is different, very
because
the ads drive business

also
one of my coworkers made me cupcakes
which i wasn't there to eat
and
they did not save me one single cupcake

but, really
it was the thought that counted
but i will totally have to make her something now

the conjuring of trees

i dreamed that i was
needing to
i'm not sure exactly
prepare a town, maybe

there was a town
and
all the land surrounding it
was open farmland
and
it needed a woods

i'm not sure why
but
i thought, in the dream
for the enjoyment of the townsfolk
and so there would be some
beautiful gateway on approach

so

i had my daughter conjure trees

it occurs to me that i don't ever define terms

i just figure everybody knows
what a comp is
but
just in case

comp
[when i use it here]
means sales $ this year
compared to sales $ for last year, same period
which here
is the entire year

i haven't felt much like talking

i've been tired
exhausted, really
and
maybe depressed
although the extreme irritation
is passing since the holiday

but
i still feel out of sorts
like my life has veered
careened, really
and is hanging dangerously over the edge of something

i alternate
between imagining you
holding me
touching me
and
crying softly

to distract myself from that
i have become obsessed with my skin care
and
korean skin care specifically

i took off today
because i was up and down last night with leg cramps
and
my back has been spasming since saturday
and
just when i reach my ridiculous goal of 10% comp
[ridiculous because i'm the only one who cares
and i don't work on commission]
i have reached it, i only need to hold onto it for the next three weeks
till the start of the new fiscal year

and they decided to give me a budget, for the month
of less than what i sold last week
and they are letting my helper go

so
i decided
why am i killing myself

i spent the day researching snail creams

i love you
i don't know how much i'm gonna be writing
but
i have been feeling a story coming on
so
maybe soon
i have something for you that's worth reading