master cleanse - days 2 & 3

not much to report
day 2 went pretty much the way of day 1
only the cravings were more diffuse
by which i mean
i just wanted to eat
i wasn't hungry, not really
at least nothing the lemonade wouldn't cure
but i wanted to eat anyway
just for the eating
nothing specific
nothing unhealthy even

so i thought that might mean
no vomiting
but it did not mean that

today i did the saltwaterflush
in the early evening
in hopes of washing away the toxins
so
maybe
no vomit tonight
fingers crossed

but really
i don't want the lemonade
i don't want it
the salt tasted almost good
i was down to 1 tablespoon of honey a day

whatever
still in a yucky place
i think it's like day 5
that you get all blissed out
come on day 5

when i weighed when i got up
i had lost 7 pounds
but
just now
i seemed to have gained back 4 of them
i really have to be careful with salt
that may be a reaction
i've had about a gallon of water (a little less)
but only 3 lemonades (so like 250 calories)
so we know i didn't gain weight on that
so one way or another its water

anyway
just letting you know
i didn't quit

master cleanse - day 1

i wasn't sure i would start today
it's a couple days early and i thought
i'd spend the next couple days on the juice
but when i woke up this morning my body said:
start today
please don't make us eat
so i started today which was fine, except
i needed to get more lemons
and i went to the foodie grocery
they have a big juicing operation in produce
the scent of watermelon almost made me lose my mind
well, that's not really true
it just smelled really really really good
this was like 5:30pm
and up till then no food issues
and no big deal anyway

but they say you'll have cravings
as the toxins come out
and this evening
all i wanted
was a big baguette of crusty french bread
with butter
but again
not really a big deal
i don't really eat that anymore anyway
i just imagined it
which was fine

but i guess they weren't kidding about the toxins

and i did say i wanted deeper detox

but i did not expect

vomiting


i feel better now
but the crusty warm bread is even more vivid
so i don't think it's over

i can't honestly say i'm enjoying this
it'll probably get worse before it gets better
whatever
i actually believe it's doing something now

i'm wrting you a short story, but it's not finished yet *sorry*

just some stuff i wanted to tell you about my experimentation, might be boring

i've been trying different ways to get enough protein
and i thought fruit smoothies with vegan protein
was the way to go, for a while
but no
i gained back 10 pounds
and my alkalinity dropped back down to 6.2
i knew, in my heart of hearts, fruit was wrong

so i am testing an hypothesis that i have had for some time
it's a cyclical thing
there's building up
there's tearing down
so i started taking liver detox herbs in tear down
and i started taking chlorella in build up
and my alkalinity is 7.0 now
and, in preparation for doing a master cleanse
i am drinking lemon water and taking cayenne (100,000btu)
but still eating, not fasting yet, cause it's build up
so, hopefully, since i'm getting some detox effects now
hopefully i'll have deeper detox later

i haven't fasted for a long time
but it's the maple syrup i'm really worried about
that's a lot of sugar grams
i thought about leaving it off
but, from what i've researched
the manganese and zinc
are important for mitochondrial release
and
i mean
i'm not wanting to start with a forty day water fast
in the desert
up hill
both ways
maybe later

oh
and hopefully
i'll lose weight
but
it's not mostly about the weight
that's like half a lie
i haven't been dieting or focusing on losing weight
i've been focusing on nutrients
and finding food configurations that work for me
next time
instead of fruit smoothies
i think i'll mix spirulina
and nutritional yeast
into vegetable juice
i gotta stick with the veggies

i dreamed that i had worked as a psychedelics monitor

it was sort of a dream within a dream
the psychedelics monitor job
because
in the dream i was telling someone
about the past
but
i was also there
and
then i had a lucid dreaming moment
where i was trying to decide if i actually did that work
in reality
or if i just did it in the dream

i was in a little tiny closet
kind of a
being-john-malkovich-type closet
and i watched these people
all packed into this smallish room
bouncing off one another like bumper cars
vocalizing loudly
one guy was dressed as a rainbow clown
[that's probably because i saw that stupid double rainbow viral video]
i moved into the room
with all these people
who mostly didn't seem aware of one another
and i was overcome
like i was possessed by the spirit
of whatever they were on
and my tongue got weird
like it was twisted
or hard
or
like i had two of them
or
something
i couldn't talk
i had to resist the urge to
gag
or
bite

this whole thing was taking place
in an area of town
that i didn't use to have
it's
hard to define
the first definition that springs to mind
is like a red light district
but that's not really accurate
it's just that it's a business district
but really
it's not about display
it really reminds me more
of this bar i went to
maybe only once or twice
it was a leather bar
and it had a shop in front
for if you wanted leather stuff
but also
they had a dungeon area too
and
i mean
if you're setting up play dates at a dungeon
i'd think you'd have gear
but
you know
you might find a friend there
with a penchant for, say
snake bite kits
and be just fresh out
[being more of a clamp person yourself]
whatever, i digress
anyway
it was just a regular bar
perfectly normal
but when i walked through there
i could feel the energy
it was coiled
ready to spring
my friend m.jones really wanted me to get
into the community
but
i was more interested in it
that into it
really
but i guess
i kinda liked that he looked at me
and thought i could be an infamous dom
because i just didn't see it

thoughts and images some from dreams some not

do you remember those cap guns toys
where you feed the red paper into the gun
and it slams a hammer down on the blister of whatever it was
pop
smoke

i forgot totally
but i loved to play with those
and in one of my dreams recently
i was laying floor tile
that was sort of the same idea
you step on it
pop
smoke

i loved the beach when i was a kid
and sometimes we'd go to west beach
which is private
or residential
but sometimes we'd go to
stewart beach
which had showers and cabanas
restaurants
water slide
mini golf
and
i think they might have brought in
better or extra
sand
because there was definitely
more walkable sand
and
in the dream i went to hear music
and then i met you in a restaurant
i can't remember all
the things on the menu
but most of them seemed to be endangered
the couple at the next table were fighting
something to do with dr. pepper lipsmacker
and i asked the waiter:
don't you have something
something like plain old shrimp
or better yet
something vegetable based
but he said: no
you ordered something that had a long
serial code name
like those scientific names for stars
and i ended up ordering b. writing
which i'm not sure how to take

but i woke up
and this is what i thought as i was drifting back off to sleep:

When people forgot her name, which they frequently did as she was a child and of no great consequence, they felt bad about it and tried to call it up perhaps so as not to hurt her feelings. The thing that struck her most about these attempts was not so much the attempts themselves, but rather the uniformity of the substituted names. Victoria or Virginia. Her first thought, for Victoria anyway, was that they knew it was one of those queen names, and was therefore a reasonable (if inaccurate) substitute (since her name was as well). Virginia, though. Taken together, she wondered if there was something about the V. Or, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Virginia, still intrigued her. And you might think from all this that she's going to tell you her name, but you'd be wrong, if you thought that. She is trying to think of what to call herself. She does admit the intriguing pull of the V, but she isn't going there. At this point in her life she feels more like an M. No, that's not quite right. It needs to be a double M. One of those glorious alliteration names, you know, something that sounds almost too good to be true, but just off enough to actually be true...Mielle....Matar.... Matar Miel how's that? But no, all really amazing names are in pentameter, or maybe that's not quite right, but anyway five syllables. So, how to get another syllable in there. Oh wait. Miel is Spanish anyway, right, not french like Mielle so rather than going Matara or Miello, how about this... Matar de Miel. How's that for taking two names you've had floating around in your head and putting them to good use. Granted, depending on your language skills, it could take on a slightly blue edge...

the girl who fell to earth and just where she landed (last night's dream)

the girl fell to earth
in the grass
by a house
in a scene that reminds me
a little
of christina's world
she was startled to find herself there
where am i, she asked the girl lying in the grass by where she fell
the sun was bright
it was hot
but not uncomfortably so
there were houses
running parallel
more or less identical
metal frames
walls frosted plexi or fiberboard
and
where there might have been sidewalks
or street
driveways
was only a huge, undifferentiated swath of grass
in which, on which, she had fallen
where am i, she asked again
the girl who seemed to be sunbathing
you're in the skateboarder's quarter
she answered
unhelpfully
the alien girl had hoped for something
something a little more useful
geographically
the alien and the sunbather discussed the weather
as her shock began to fade
she noticed that she had skinned her arms and legs
from the impact
and the sod was turned over
so she was actually rubbing dirt into the abrasions
there was a blanket
she spread it out and lay down
grateful
nice blanket
nice grass
a big swath of cement just about here, which
come to think of it
might have made more sense for the skateboarder's quarter
would have totally sucked
whose house is that, she asked the sunbather
oh, that, she said pointing to the house
the lawn of which they would have been occupying
had, actually, there been any individuation
to the channel of green
that is jesus' house
only
before you get all excited
the sunbather didn't say jesus like gee-sus the son of man
but rather jesus like hey-zeus the guy whose house this was
and hey-zeus was, as one might have expected, some kind of skateboarder
he was kind of a big deal locally
had a sort of artist-friendly-open-door policy
so, even though hey-zeus was on his way somewhere
he welcomed the alien girl right in
like she was expected
actually
and, actually, it was the strangest thing, but
the one person
who she wanted to see more than anyone else
from any world
anywhere
was actually just hanging
at the house of hey-zeus
where she had just happened
a few moments before
to fall from the sky
and land on, well, by, next to, whatever
and there wasn't much in the way of furniture
at casa jesus
so she found herself stretching out
on this built in shelf-type-thing
that might function
as couch
or desk
or bed
and the man
did i mention it was a man, the person
the person the alien chick most wanted to see
anyway, he's a man
and
the alien chick
being an alien chick
didn't think of him as a man qua man, really
not really that much
he tended to be
the brain she loved
the eyes
the lips
the hands
the movement through space and time
connected to that particular soul
the one
who when hugged
couldn't be felt to be separate from herself
but
as she half sat half lay
propped up on an elbow
watched him approach
wet from a shower
sit on the floor next to her shelf
robe falling open
dripping pearls
she found that she was right up against
qua

in deed

long confusing dream last night

it's gonna take me a while to sort out
everything in this dream
so
i'll just put elements
then maybe later i can get the order and flow

college
literature class
car
a near mugging
a lawsuit from 1978
a giant aggregate tooth
like something from monument valley
my cat had 5 kittens
they were so cute and little
one of them looked just like her