F^CK F^CK F^CK

F^CK F^CK F^CK



ALRIGHT JAYSON WERTH (ok it's spelled right now)



god dammit NOW swisher's bat gets hot????!!!!



well, if it hits the camera, that's a homer

this is a dream not a movie pitch

there were parts
where it seemed like the main character was me
like an alternate universe version of me
i was in my twenties
i had different problems, issues
but the upshot was that i couldn't
find a place that felt like home

i lived with my father, well, sort of
a mad men version of my father
in a studio apartment that was almost completely
filled with his desk and easel
and i was continually doing things to service his needs

i lived with my step father, well, sort of
a less internally inconsistent version
one who didn't take classes at the esoteric philosophy center
one who wasn't also a rabid NRA member
who woke up at night with nightmares from the nam
who i was alway sure in the back of my head
would half wake be confused about where he was and kill us all
not that guy
the guy who watched television
the guy who was supposed to be from los angeles, but sounded
like he was from arkansas, ag major from chico state, part of him
and the apartment was small, but it had good bones
and i was so bored that i just kept moving the furniture around
moving the ficus from beside the tv to between the windows
watching the patterns of light and shadow in the room change

then i'm not sure where i was
there was a movie on the tv
and the early bits i'm not sure i knew were on the tv
but later i stopped paying attention
but then people kept asking me:
did you see that? did you see the scene with x,y,z?

the early part of the movie there was a girl
extremely similar to the one i was in the dream
except that she would live in other people's homes
she'd break in to their apartments while they were out of town
or go from one to another to match work schedules
but people started to realize she was doing it
they would leave her threatening notes, first
then they would get fancy locks and alarm systems
she didn't steal anything, well, maybe from the refrigerator
but she was violating their space, egregiously
i don't know if it was clear in the movie why
she was homeless
but was there more to that story?
in the film she seemed to be kind of a grifter
but not like a "the gifters" grifter, more like
a "housesitter" grifter

and there is a scene where she takes this woman
this woman who is older and more sophisticated
she takes her "back to her place"
and there's a chain on the door and people start screaming
how she better leave and they are calling the police
and she and the woman kiss

and i stopped watching it
i don't know
there was something very douglas sirk about it
i figured it would end badly for the anti-heroine
and i just had other things to do

but then the person who was my brother in the dream
who i guess i was living with now
said: wow, did you see the love scene did you see the ending
and i hadn't, so i found those scenes and i watched them

the love scene isn't that one outside the locked house
the older woman apparently misunderstood the significance
didn't realize girl was homeless and thought, i'm not sure what
she went away and didn't see the main character anymore
some amount of time passes in which they are both
a la sirk miserable but suffering nobly
and they see each other again at a party
and when i say older, i should maybe qualify, not old
but maybe thirteen years older than the girl, which is not anymore
than my father was than his third wife, so not biggie, right
and the scene was just mesmerizing
i'm not sure i could write dialog to do it justice
it was almost more about the color and the framing
but something about how
whatever it was that had been keeping them apart
she didn't care couldn't care because it was only with her
that she had any real chance for her soul to know peace
but like with frank langella eyes
high melodrama but done so well that you let it take you there

and in the end the older woman, it turns out, has been
living with the widower of her dead sister
because this is the 50s and what else was she supposed to do
he begs her not to go he loves her he needs her
he already lost her sister and she's all he has left
and he looks at her in a way that makes it clear that she sleeps with him
that it started with this need to comfort each other after her sister's
tragic death years ago and they've been using each other ever since
and she looks at him and says:
you had to know
that our arrangement couldn't last forever
and she turns and walks away
he reaches out a hand but it touches nothing

and then the camera pans away
and focuses on this old wooden bench
which is in the lower right of the shot, kind of a down shot
the bench has writing carved into it, it says:

REYNARD PARISH
SURFACED PLAYGROUND

which might be the name of the movie, surfaced playground

and i was thinking surfaced was like cement but
that's actually what they call that rubber stuff
that they use for kid's play areas now
so they can't hurt themselves when they fall

and then i'm walking into a mall or something
starting a new job
in the crowd i pass this guy
he is good looking and he has these beautiful dreds
and i notice all that, but i'm trying to read his t-shirt
which is gray on gray and i think it might say:
REYNARD PARISH
SURFACED PLAYGROUND
but it doesn't, it says something about a sports dept. at some school
but i looked at him too long
and one of the guys with him walks up and around me
looking at me and chuckling at me
and i'm like: dude, i was reading his shirt, that's all
and he's like: uh huh, sure
and he's in front of me now, but he's going the same way i need to go
so it seems like i'm following him
and i'm going to the bathroom before work
so i'm going into the movie theater
climbing three flights of stairs
and everything is this pattern in red and blue
florescent red and blue and then red and blue foils
in this explosive firework design

and as i'm climbing i think
this cannot possibly be the nearest bathroom

first let me say something, and then on to last night's dream

i didn't comment on game 2
but then i feel like i've set it up
to comment on each game, so i feel weird
so i will just say:
i appreciate the excellent pitching
much better when it's my team doing it
and A-Rod is still hitless
i never would have believed that

now, on to the dream

i was entered in some sort of competition
which i didn't really mean to be in
it was a competition to make pizza's
not like the most pizza's, but rather
like a quality thing
now, i have topped pizzas before
but i've never made crust
i wasn't too concerned about it because i didn't care
i hadn't even meant to enter, afterall, but then
people kept coming up to me and telling me
what big fans they were and how they had always
wanted to see me make pizza
and people i respected were looking at this to see
if they wanted me to work with them
so i started to freak a bit
but this really beautiful girl handed me a piece of paper
with a basic recipe for crust on it, like mimeographed
and i'm like: ok, i'm fine now, i just have to know the basic
chemistry of the gluten or whatever
and there were tables with jars of olive oil
that's how we chose our workstation, by the type of olive oil
and the beautiful girl, who i guess i knew, said:
come work with me there are two bottles here of _________
i can't remember the name, but it was the type i wanted
some very aromatic very green really beautiful olive oil
yes i'm an olive oil geek, there, it's out
but the station wasn't really big enough for two, and so
it was kinda disorganized
and there were two guys working at the station next to us
they were gay
and i was talking myself through what i was doing
which is not at all unusual for me
and they thought i was funny
so they were laughing
i was digging it
so i started
making
with
the
funny
and i was having so much fun that i completely forgot
that i was in this competition
started laughing so hard i was almost crying
and then i'm like:
oh fuck
where was that little piece of paper again
and i had to dig through a bunch of shit
and the beautiful girl said:
just ask me
it was so fun
i was so in the moment
i didn't care about the competition
or all the people watching me
and then i'm like:
oh shit, is this timed
and the beautiful girl said:
technically yes, but nobody knows how much time there is
so don't worry about it
and i didn't

i thought i would dream about baseball

i was pretty impressed with cliff lee
i didn't want to say much last night
because i didn't want to be disrespectful to the yankees
hence jinxing the lead
and, in the heat of the moment, i didn't trust myself
to say more than "A-Rod?"
because he is, is always, so dominant
pitchers pitch around him
pitchers walk him
A-Rod is a big deal
i mean, everybody's kinda scared of him
but cliff lee pitched to him
there was never any fear
and the yankees have proven that they can
get 6 runs in an inning

i was not the only one impressed
that's what the interviewer asked him after the game
'how did you pitch to A-Rod?'

they keep saying that if you win the first game
11 in 12 chance of taking the World Series
but i don't buy that
and if i had been disrespectful
well there would have been justification
to take me down
this kind of thinking seems consistent with baseball
but most people thing it's kinda nutty, otherwise

and these games don't tie into dreams
i'm just listening to them because i love baseball
and baseball is loving me back
and it's a beautiful thing

6-1 phillies

well
alright
lee and utley



A-Rod?

why this? why now? i'm totally freaked out!

i dreamed i was travelling with
it kept changing
sometimes it was my mother, sometimes my aunt
sometimes.maybe, it was someone else
and there was grocery shopping for food
i remember a big discussion about
some food that came in, they almost looked like
giant test tubes, sitting in racks on the shelf
maybe there's more to that, something
that makes it make sense
there was something about cleaning clothes
predominantly by shaking them out
and a cell phone charger played an important role

i mention all these things, not because
they are interesting or important, but because
they set up one the most terrifying dream i've ever had

there was a concert in the hotel
and this person i was with was suddenly a classical musician
but rather than play her own instrument, she was
borrowing this presumably one-of-a-kind creation
it was large, she had to stand up to play it
she was wearing a gown with applique spirals on the bodice
that made her look like she had three breasts
she fell in love with the look and feel of it
and we had a big discussion with the hotel about its acquisition
should she decide she really loved it after playing
i said that someone had probably left the damn thing there
why would a hotel own something like that
i thought they would try to get her in a unreasonable
contractual obligation, i was very worried

then it gets complicated again

i went to see the concert where she was playing
but my mother or aunt or somebody was with me
and we lay down on the floor to watch
and it seemed like it was upside down
but then everything was right-side up again
and the person with me was my son who was a toddler
he wanted to get closer to see the performance
and there was an open seat in front of us
so he climbed down a row
at first i tried to stop him, but he was too quick
and i could still see him, still reach him
so what was the big deal, let him see better
but when people got up
somehow he disappeared and i couldn't find him
i searched everywhere
i walked through the hotel and the adjacent mall
describing him:
he's this tall
he's wearing a t-shirt with a 3 on it
i couldn't believe someone had stolen him
someone must have grabbed him accidentally
or he just got swept up in the crowd
i was frantic
everyone i asked seemed totally apathetic
it was really frightening

then it went right into another dream
where i was a tween and i had a kid sister
and we'd been dumped at this "creative play" day
only it had like a registered trademark name i can't remember
i climbed up this ramp between two buildings
i was hiding because i didn't want to participate
but after a while i came out
i think to keep an eye on sis
and the woman running the program
had hidden something that made this horrible whining noise
inside one of these big collections of junk
and i kept going from one to another
trying to find what was making the noise
trying to shut it off
and my sister kept asking the woman why she was torturing me
and the woman said i deserved it because i'd been rude
hiding and not wanting to play the game
and now i had to suffer
and there was this guy that was her partner
he laughed at me and said something
he was attractive and somehow that made me angrier
and i pushed him and punched him in the chest/shoulder
and i started screaming at him:
my father abandoned me eight years ago and then he comes back
and what does he do, he gets me for a weekend and he dumps me
dumps me here at this bullshit
i don't need this crap
i don't need crap from you
fuck you
as i'm backing away, about to run

i don't know what that meant
the whole thing was upsetting
it was like a range of upsetting
and i have a huge headache

WTF

F^CK F^CK F^CK F^CK F^CK F^CK

i'm not sure what that does to my story
in my mind
they didn't let the yankees score
and they tied it up in the 9th, 3-3
then it went to extra innings
but
that didn't happen
yankees left 12
angels left 6
2 BIG errors for the angels
5-2 yankees
3 2/3 hours

yankees advance to WS
i'm routing for the phillies

GDMFSoB@#%**FM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

this is the first page, i don't think it'll change much, Asked by Angels

I have been searching around the web trying to find some connection that would “click” for me-- something that would make the phrase asked by angels make sense. It, the phrase asked by angels, had been given to me as a new name in a dream and I tend to think that dreams mean something. I am not a big believer in angels.

The thing about dreams, they don't tell you what you need to know in the most easily understood terms. So sometimes I never quite know what I'm telling myself. Sometimes I think that my dreams just come from my subconscious mind-- just telling me things I really already know-- but sometimes I think they are more like prophecy. Now, I mean, I know that sounds dramatic, and I'm not trying to alienate you right off the bat, but you know what I mean. Don't you? I'm talking about when you have a dream, and it doesn't really make sense to you at the time but it sticks with you, and then events start to unfold or you see things around you that seem like the things you dreamed. You start having a kind of deja vu and then, suddenly, you know something from the information from the dream. No, never happened to you? Well, it happens to me all the time. Maybe that makes me a prophet. I'm just not a very good prophet, or maybe I just don't have prophetic confidence-- maybe I'm just one Anthony Robbins firewalk away from blowing up.

Last year I predicted the winner of the World Series in one of my dreams; unfortunately, I thought it was telling me something about myself that I just couldn't understand. When I remembered that piece of information—- well really, just remembering everything surrounding the World Series last year-- I had a pang. I have not been following baseball this year, and baseball season is one of my great joys. I started out the season listening to games on the radio every day. My team lost every game. We're having a bad year. Some of my favorite players have been traded or retired, and I didn't get to listen to spring training, or maybe I just didn't. The result, either way, is that I don't feel as connected as I normally would, and when they lose on top of that-- well, I just didn't listen every day. So then they'd win. Then I'd listen. They'd lose. I can see patterns. I figured I owed it to them to stay away-- clearly I was a jinx. In fact the only live game I've been to this year was in Anaheim, Angels vs. White Sox. Not my home team, not my home city, not my home league. Strange stuff. Thinking about all that made me think about the World Series, which ought to be rolling around just about now, it seemed like.

What kind of baseball fan have I become?

Something I guess I ought to mention here: I love baseball. I really liked it as a kid, although, I think that was as much about the whole experience as it was about the game itself. I didn't really, truth be told, understand baseball. I think I still enjoy a lot of sports that way. It's more about the movement, the dynamics, the personalities-- sometimes it's almost like watching a dance--

do you ever have dreams like this?

i wrote you something, but i don't want to post it until
i check it to make sure it's ok, until it's finished
i think the angels game might be important
and the story, if it's a story, might get longer, depending
i'm set up to listen on mlb.com
and i'm not sure whether it's important that they get to the WS
or if the game gets rained out or what, game 6 i mean
maybe this all seems outta left field
i can't really explain it better
i don't know everything yet

i've been trying to decide whether to tell you my dream, from last night
i don't want to tell you and have you think it's bad
i don't think it's bad
but it was different
it seemed different
there were common
elements
as well

oh well

i was in college
i don't know why, again
i thought i was done with school dreams
but i was really doing some major stuff
i was doing these constructed pieces which i guess i'll call sculpture, but
they were houses scaled down like a children's play house
and what looked more like sets
there was this one that was a bedroom
and i was halving it
creating completely different environments on each side
with color and texture only
while shape and form remained mirror identical

there were a bunch of other things too, all in-the-works
but i didn't have a way to transport them back to campus

my stepfather was just in a wreck
and he's ok, but he totaled his truck

and i didn't see how i was going to finish them
also i had a gillion, ok, several papers in-the-works
which i thought i could finish, except that i also had
two other subjects which had final projects due
everything i was doing was good, potentially really really good
but i needed more time to finish everything i'd started

i didn't want to try to rush them and turn in crap
just so i wouldn't fail

i started trying to negotiate with professors
turn things in late
get an incomplete for the semester and finish later
things i never once did in real life college
not one of them would work with me at all
and i sat down on the stairs
and i was talking to another student

and i actually said:
i think i might drop out of college
i've already got a degree
what do i think this is really doing for me

because it seemed like the grade thing was
just getting in the way of my doing my work

and that might sound crazy
but that's kinda the place i always wanted to get to in college
where what i was doing was more important to me than the grade
but it never was, really
i still cringe to myself
that i didn't take that one class that i got the "C" (college algebra)
at community college because i still think that 0.05 grade point
that would have pushed me over into summa cum laude
that it matters
not to anyone in the world, just to me
and it pisses me off that that matters at all
it shouldn't matter at all
not then, especially not now
and i didn't even do the math, haha
maybe that one class wouldn't even have done it, probably not

so i think it's good that way
but i worry about the degree to which i seem over-extended
it feels very ten of staves, like i'm overwhelmed
like i need somebody to help me put it all together and make it work
i don't feel comfortable with that
not that aspect of the dream

it's like
wow
now i'm not ariving at the end of the semester to take
a bunch of finals i'm not prepared for
now i need the school to get out of my way

but i still don't seem to have it under control, quite

freaky annunciation dream

i know there was more to this dream
but i just remember the part
i was in some kind of clinic
but it was also some kind of halfway home
and i was pregnant
but for some reason
i had to take a new name
i was looking through this book
there were two names that seemed to be sticking to me
and ultimately i can't remember the runner-up
but there was this one
and it was just one word
but it was like i saw it change from a phrase to a word
it began with an "A" and it ended
with this non-letter flourish mark
and the phrase began as:
Asked by Angels~
but i don't remember what the name ended up being
whenever i looked at it
my mind interpreted it as asked by angels
and that was my new name
it was kinda weird
like it was some official thing
that i had to do
before i could continue with the pregnancy
and it didn't really seem all that earthly
almost like the dream was responding
to the space alien accusation:
look in the book

not buying a gun today

i'm sorry, but i'm going to be graphic
but for just a sec, to preface the dream

i don't know if you do this, but when something
changes in bodily functions
i run a check list
and last night, before bed, i was bleeding
it's not happy happy blood time, so
WTF
hysterical miscarriage seems unlikely in the absence of hysterical pregnancy

i couldn't figure it out
so i'm like: work it out girls
but just know, if happy happy blood time is coming every two weeks
gun purchase will be high on tomorrow's to do list

i dreamed i was crawling along a cement barrier on the side of the highway
it wasn't comfortable
it wasn't fast
until i saw a place where there was a grassy slope
then i just got off the freeway and started to walk
it was really beautiful
there were these flowering bushes
like an azalea trail
i followed them
at some point i found myself inside
i was having pain in my abdomen so i went to the restroom
it seemed distended, and upon inspection
i seemed to be pregnant, sort of
but it wasn't inside my body
it had formed in a balloon extending outward
which was hyper-sensitive to touch
and i was like: OMG i must have been abducted by aliens
because there's no other explanation for this shit

but then i can't remember what happens next

maybe i shouldn't say anything, since i can't say everything

i can't tell you about my dream
because i think
and i've been thinking about it
that the images are too telling
and i don't want to tell

but i've been thinking all day
about one in particular
trying to decide
if it meant
one thing
or the other
or both
but
there was
absolutely no
bad way to interpret

and how often does that happen

so, if you're sending
me happy images
in my sleep
then it's working
otherwise
the chatty deity
is kickin in

damn--
i really really really
want to tell you

i don't know what this means, but it's weird

i've been having a difficult time remembering my dreams, mostly
and the few times i could i just didn't share them, sorry
but it's not that i've given up writing to you or anything
but you know, things have been strange, and what-have-you
but this dream last night is just odd, so i thought i'd try

i was running some sort of meetings
for some sort of group
and we met
in a laundromat
it was nicer than your typical laundromat
it was carpeted for example

across the street
was this shop
where they invented
modifications to existing equipment, mostly
refrigerators and such

there was more to each of these sections
whole relationships with friends
things about business
i just can't remember them at all now

then i was in my attic room
where i lived for some of high school
and some of college
and now the meetings were there
but i was trying to sleep
and it was disturbing me

then i'm walking around the room
and i'm looking at the furniture
this is becoming a popular theme for me-- furniture
even when i can't remember what i dreamed
sometimes i know it was something to do with furniture

in the middle of the room there is a big round table
like they have in foyers of hotels, with flowers
lining the walls, are chests of drawers, china cabinets
all manner of large pieces, some of which match each other
but don't all go together, at least not as such
and i'm trying to decide what i can't live without
and what i can bear to part with

and then i'm looking at the table i like to use as a desk
it's danish modern, technically, nothing special
it used to be in my mom's kitchen when i was a little kid
it's light weight-- except for the glass top
i painted it like twenty years ago
and then my mom shows up
with the same table, again
with the original chairs that it came with
which i got rid of years ago
because, even after i re-padded and covered them
they were kinda ugly and still not comfortable
but these were worn, really really worn
and still the bright bright orange they came in
so then she started telling me where i needed to put
all this new furniture she was making me take
which had been exactly the opposite of what
i had been trying to do in the first place

and i was becoming frustrated and slightly frantic
and then i woke up