i'm not sure if i should even be writing this down
it seems, not so much the first part, sad
and so very personal in a strange sort of way
it feels more vulnerably female
than i have been used to being, i guess
maybe it's some sort of hormonal surge
it's doing something
it's not telling me what
maybe i'm about to evolve into something new
it almost wouldn't surprise me
so i hope that my vulnerability
doesn't make you like me any less
i dreamed last night that i was working
at the coffee shop, but it wasn't entirely like it used to be
one thing that made me really happy about the dream
was that j. was there
hyper and grumpy like she used to be
come in to open after giging the night before
i really miss her
i hired her straight out of parochial school
with her swiss miss braids and her "spike" mechanic shirt
and i got to watch her grow up
we went through a lot together
and i always kinda thought of her as my kid
but i'm not really old enough to be her mother, quite
she was one of the first people i ever hired
and i'm not sure i ever did better
when i walked out and saw her working with me again i almost cried
except of course it was only a dream
then i went in the back
because apparently i was making the schedule
but i had coffee
and although i would never never have done this in real life
in the dream i took a big hit off a joint
then i ate an enormous brownie
then i was talking to someone
i didn't seem like me
and i don't know who i was living with
but i was looking through the book shelf
and this random bag fell out if it
and it had
among other things
this really fine paint brush
that i knew i had spent a hundred dollars for
and the person i was talking to
thought i had gotten it for them
but they didn't paint, really
i'm not sure what they were planning to do with it
maybe paint walls or crafts or something
but i mean it was totally wasted for that
but i couldn't see how i was going to deny them the brush
since they had a use for it, and i wasn't painting anymore
and they didn't understand the value
and then, for some reason, i thought to myself:
you're never going to have any children
and your whole life is going to be this pointless bullshit
and i started to cry
then there was this woman
and i'm sure it wasn't me
i was just watching this scene play out
this woman was maybe in her mid-fifties
she was thin and attractive with small stylish glasses
she had definite style and grace and seemed to be a professional
but not like a stuffy suit, i'm not sure how to describe her better
she was meeting her husband for lunch
and after being together forever she still couldn't wait to see him
he was funny and smart and her favorite person in the world
it was noon and she was supposed to be there soon
so she ran out
but she needed to take some kind of medication at 12:30
and she didn't take it with her
i knew she needed it just as she left but i'm not sure how i knew
and i wasn't really there so there was nothing i could do
then the scene shifted
her friends were standing in her kitchen
holding the bottle passing it around, shaking their heads
did you know she had a heart condition they kept asking each other
no one had known and they were shocked
because she had seemed so very alive
and she had died
then they took her makeup
and they each smeared some on their faces
and wailed
