blah blah blah

I'm not gonna lie 

I got caught up in the IDEA of a CORE BOOK 

& watched a BUNCH 

of alice in wonderland videos 

& THEN 

I don't remember 

I feel like 

I wasn't as successful 

today

in moving the project forward 

my mom texted me

& since she told me she was doing well 

I didn't text her BACK 

I just don't want to interact with her

I'm not really still sick

BUT 

I just don't want to have to 

I'm gonna have to talk to her tomorrow 

but I'm gonna try not to have to see her

we'll see how that goes 

kinda an OFF day

& I didn't talk much

OH

I got a postcard from james talarico 

when he was asking for money

before the blah blah period 

please donate 

I gave him 

twenty five dollars 

& then

subsequently I gave him another ten

& he sent me a postcard that had a hand written note on it that SAID 

I'm honored to be in this fight with you -JT

& I'm KINDA 

SHOOK

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try to sleep now

I hope my focus is 

BETTER 

tomorrow 

trying to describe my day

when I woke up 

I had this

IDEA 

in my HEAD

I'm sure I've mentioned it before -- the idea of pearls forming in my body 

BUT 

in that just waking state -- it SEEMED 

to be SOME kind of ANSWER to my QUESTION 

& then I went on to make up this whole thing ABOUT the pearls

& then I listened to the beginning of 

WIND up BIRD 

& had bone broth with seaweed 

I paid some attention to 

POLITICS 

& it's STILL surreal 

BUT 

the

PIGGY thing

for some reason is MORE surreal than anything 

just this evening 

I started to feel more coherent

I don't remember my dreams 

but I KNOW 

a LOT happened 

I thought BACK to what was the FIRST fairy tale 

& I couldn't REMEMBER at FIRST what happened in the fairy tale

I could ONLY remember 

SNOW white & ROSE red

& I looked it up

AND there's a BEAR

it's LIKE 

this WHOLE man/bear thing

& I WONDER what 

that fairy tale is EVEN ABOUT 

I feel like I KNOW THINGS I don't KNOW I know YET

BUT 

there are STILL a BUNCH of things 

I haven't FIGURED OUT yet 

when I SNACK at night

it isn't REALLY 

about

HUNGER 

or not right now anyway 

I AM a little hungry, right now 

BUT I'm not going to EAT 

I'm going to sleep 

I think I needed something in the seaweed 

I read a thing about AUDHD today that made me laugh -- well, smile inside 

I need STRUCTURE in the CHAOS --

---------------- I WALKED into ----------

I'm not sure if that's ME, but it's not NOT me

the reason I started listening to WIND UP BIRD

it's related to the concept/project/thing-y 

& I watched some videos 

book reviews 

or whatever 

I wanted to KNOW what 

NORMAL people 

thought about it -- and this one guy did an analysis -- a psychological analysis 

-- and I didn't recognize it 

-- as the same book

that doesn't necessarily mean that I am 

ABBY NORMAL 

the spanish grad student guy I LIKE for reviews reviewed it

& I recognized his review

BUT 

his most CORE book is LOVECRAFT 

& I guess

MINE

would be ALICE in WONDERLAND 

I don't know if I'm making sense 

BUT 

probably more than last night

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I maybe feel guilty about jason 

I don't know 

I feel better, I guess

BUT 

I've been very

can't hold a complete thought today 

I don't know 

I guess I just felt like I was getting a handle on myself & then

I don't know what to do 

to PROCESS 

SO

I'm watching videos on nursery rhymes and fairytales

things just cross the feed

multiple levels of story

MAYBE 

that will help me figure something out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

WEIRD day, still kinda sick

I slept super late 

I sipped seaweed broth

then bone broth

then canned chicken noodle soup 

& finally had some rice

I don't know what I think about that freaky dream

it was some guy

pressuring me

BUT 

it was some big formal setting 

in front of 

a huge crowd of people 

& THEN 

he was supposed to be my sibling 

BUT 

then right before I woke up

he like

LUNGED at me

& it brought up 

that time

after I had moved out of my dad's 

& they got rid of my stuff 

& turned my room

into a junk room 

& I had to sleep 

on the sofa

jason had peed on

or the living room floor

& this particular time

I was on the floor

& Jason was 

on the sofa

& he suddenly threw himself onto me

& stuck his tongue in my mouth 

I don't think about that much 

BUT 

it freaked me out at the time pretty good 

& I'm wondering 

HOW 

he even knew about tongue kissing at like

six, seven

I think I felt betrayed by my subconscious mind 

I felt like the driving thing was

nice

this didn't 

FEEL nice

& I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it 

I don't know how to PROCESS it 

I don't think it is a particularly 

IMPORTANT piece

WHY

throw that at me

BUT 

I'm not TOO TALK-Y 

I decided on some soup stuff though

I ordered some more of that tasty 

SEAWEED 

(from maine)

& some white miso, daikon, & shitake 

& I'm gonna put TOFU 

I didn't think I would like that

BUT 

I've decided 

I will

I'm going to sleep 

sorry

I was no fun today 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much