goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

late nite thoughts February 1st

I AM having a 

STRANGE

sense of reality 

LIKE 

I don't know what the world is like

EVERYTHING I've experienced 

MIGHT be just like 

OUTDATED 

irrelevant 

& I KNOW I need to 

CONTRIBUTE 

more to the fight

& I KNOW I'm fixin to do SOMETHING 

BUT 

I don't know 

WHAT 

thoughts February 1st

I drove my car today

& I drove it to some nearby parks

one of them is about a mile & a half away 

& I was thinking 

MAYBE 

I could work my way up it walking to there and back for exercise 

BUT 

it wasn't an exciting enough park

the other one was like three miles away

& I might or might not 

work my way up

to walking 

THERE

BUT 

it wasn't 

exciting enough either 

I want to get

exercise figured out

I am KINDA grieving 

bits of my mom

& ALSO 

realizing HOW uncomfortable 

I actually AM with 

letting other people take 

responsibility for their sh*t

BUT 

I don't think texting her

to remind her that she needs to pay rent 

is in any way appropriate 

she knows what she's doing 

she's not senile 

SHE 

hasn't 

texted or called 

she hasn't asked for help 

I had an exit

THAT is my exit

once I determined 

I was capable of the one thing

OR 

almost certain 

su*c*de

it really seems pointless to worry about the electric bill 

& THEN 

the realization that I picked 

ME

I mean I thought I would 

BUT 

I didn't ever expect 

that it would have to be 

SO STARK

I remember after gran gran died

when I was completely heartbroken 

my mom said 

I know you're upset NOW 

JUST THINK

HOW MUCH MORE 

UPSET

you will be when I 

DIE 

-- losing your mommy is the worst pain you can experience 

my gran gran RAISED me

thoughts January 31st

I have discovered 

the thing I like to do, or more accurately, perhaps 

A THING that I like to do

is have adventures 

yesterday 

I walked around my apartment complex 

which I haven't done in a while 

& even though that is a pretty 

SMALL adventure 

it WAS 

KINDA fun

Ive been remembering my trips to London

& scotland

in context with some more recent trips 

& the room is important 

the stuff I do out in the WORLD 

& driving

are important 

BUT 

the kinda world creation of the room

is really important 

I'm not sure YET 

what I think this means

BUT 

I think it's important