good morning

I've got THAT song in my HEAD 

as I woke up and since 

I'm having a hard time regulating

& I'm KINDA scared

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

shoulda BEEN SLEEP thoughts

she's anemic 

her doctor prescribed her 

IRON

she isn't taking 

she hasn't got a lot of pep at the best of times

BUT 

pulling herself up 

OFF the BED

& standing 

up to two minutes 

her oxygen went down IN the ACTION 

when oxygen is USED 

then immediately 

BACK up

to as high as ninety seven

& her GET UP, I can honestly say

OUT--PERFORMED

BASELINE 

I think the bed's a little 

EASIER height

but I'll take it 

I'm not dissuading her from going to the hospital 

I'm saying 

SHE

has to call nine one one

or something 

because I can't lift her into the car

this either

she has been to the doctor 

a BUNCH 

she doesn't feel good 

she wants them to tweek her meds

she likes the

ATTENTION 

I just kept myself away 

NOW

she's suddenly 

in a health

CRISIS

but she's got the surgeon visit 

if she had to go to the

HOSPITAL 

OR

if she can't

MOVE

she won't make the appointment 

BUT 

it was fate or whatever 

& SHE didn't have 

to CHOOSE 

& I GET

SOMATICS 

BUT 

PRAISE 

was 

MOTIVATING 

I don't know what to call this

I've processed a little more 

I had a little win

I think 

I'm LIKE 

OK

sit up

GOOD!

OK

stand up*

GOOD JOB!!

*hold onto the walker

ugh

I'm having a hard time 

decompressing

TODAY was ROUGH 

TODAY I got

I love you SO MUCH 

I WISH you loved ME

&

I'm sorry

YOU

THINK

I'm argumentative 

& I'm LIKE 

NOT 

you're sorry for being argumentative 

you're sorry 

I THINK you're argumentative 

YES, she says

well you didn't have a personality change 

(whatever else might be wrong)

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I'm so grateful for your light

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I've gotta go to sleep 

I WANT to drive up the coast

I WANT to

I was really hoping 

I could somehow 

BUT 

I can't 

& I don't know if that was obvious

because of the mental

STATE of ME

or if

it seemed like I might pull it off

BUT 

I don't want to 

finesse it all around 

I badly wanted to do the WHOLE thing 

& I'm unhappy about not

& maybe I'm letting you down 

BUT 

I can't 

I can't do the whole thing 

& I don't think 

ANY of it looking LIKELY 

this time 

& ALL the FEELS

I FEEL 

saying that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

other stuff in my HEAD

I've also had some other songs 

popping up at odd moments 

these are the days of miracle and wonder

this is the long distance call

the way the camera

follows us in slo-mo

the way it looks to us all

the way we look to

a distant constellation 

that's dying in the corner of the sky

these are the days of miracle and wonder 

don't cry baby

don't cry

don't cry 

don't cry 

which could be THOSE lyrics 

OR 

something from that TIME 

OR

I don't know 

BUT 

I'm not 

MAD

at it

&

edelweiss 

which could be 

multiple things, but MIGHT be 

from my childhood 

when my mom picked me up for every other thursday visitation 

we ALWAYS 

went to memorial city mall 

in the mall was this 

cuckoo clock place -- I can't remember what it was called -- and they had this music box

it was red --  maybe leather

& it had --  maybe julie andrews -- twirling

to edelweiss 

& I loved it

& went to visit it

every other thursday 

& my mom was working it pretty hard -- maybe 

trying to get me to the point where -- maybe 

I would leave my dad -- maybe 

SO

NOW

when I hear the song 

I keep trying to remember 

WHAT she DID 

when we went to visit it

& it had been 

SOLD

& it was GONE

& I cried and SOBBED

spoiler alert -- SHE had bought it for me for Xmas

I don't think she JUST said 

OH LOOK 

don't cry 

I got it for you

HERE ya go

I don't think she -- in fact I'm almost positive 

she did not -- WAIT to surprise me at XMAS

I think -- but I'm not positive 

she let me CRY 

then grieve

then

probably 

--  got sick of hearing about it 

and TOLD me

BUT 

for some reason 

my brain either thinks the details are important 

OR

it wants me to tell you about 

the music box

OR

the story*

*except I'm not sure of the story, so then it loops back

debrief sketch

TODAY was 

HARD

& I MAY not have 

DONE  RIGHT*

*I think now that I am decompressed

I am pretty sure 

BUT 

not certain 

I was supposed to go to lunch with my mom today to catch up on her

health information 

ANYWAY 

she maybe has something going on

BUT 

it's HARD for me to TELL 

WHAT 

& HOW BAD

because 

EVERYTHING she says is CRAFTED 

& her "facts" don't check out

I don't WANT to detail the situation 

the surgeon appointment got rescheduled 

because he had a family thing

I'll give a vignette 

I wanted to check her oxygen 

she LOST the finger thing-y

must have rolled to the passenger side of the car 

OK

WAIT 

where was it before you lost it

in my purse, but I checked in my purse

-- it's definitely not in there --

OK

CHECKING purse

BAM*

*right there under that kleenex 

SO

I put it on her finger 

I come BACK 

it's OFF

what was your oxygen 

eighty eight

which isn't great

BUT 

whenever she takes her oxygen, eighty eight 

whenever, every time she tells her doctor 

eighty eight 

SO

I take it, ninety five

I take it again ninety six

eighty eight is not bad as the bottom of a range

& she MAY BE having a problem 

BUT 

she's ACTING like 

she's WORKING me

SO

I was pretty non-performative

EMOTIONALLY 

& I was for SURE a little mean

BUT 

I kept hearing thanksgiving day parade 

in my HEAD 

& I can't tell you how it helped me 

glow in the dark

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& the thanksgiving pep talk

play it loud

exactly right 

goodnight ❤️

sorry haven't talked much

ya KNOW 

I've felt KINDA bad

about my avoiding jason through 

this whole period 

BUT 

today I saw he sent me more DMs

& I LOOKED at it 

BECAUSE 

I KINDA 

FELT 

BAD

but, remember how I told him it triggered me really bad when he said

dad would have been 

PROUD of my 

PAINTING 

yeah

MAYBE he didn't remember 

OR maybe he wanted to

TRIGGER me again 

because he said it again 

& then he said dad lives rent free in his head

& it's LIKE 

my dude, WTF

I find it hard to believe, though

that he isn't SMART enough