better day today

to be clear 

I had turned off the 

RINGER on my phone 

SO

I didn't talk to the admitter

& this afternoon 

I ALSO didn't talk to the social worker 

I could call & SAY

I'm not doing anything that supports her going home -- because I don't think it's SAFE 

BUT 

that didn't work before 

&

1) that's not what I'm DONE feels like to me

2) SHE hasn't CONTACTED me directly 

3) if they are planning her release ALREADY then I'd say it's likely that there isn't anything wrong with her -- 

a) they kept her a week before & couldn't find anything 

b) she's been in constant care since and was APPROVED to go home 

c) I'd say if they can't reach me it will make them less likely to send her home 

d) I keep wanting to text her and say --

JUST pretend you got your WAY 

& I killed myself because I couldn't handle it 

& NOW you have to deal with yourself 

ANYWAY 

BUT 

that seems like some passive aggressive manipulation and I'm not trying to make her do anything anymore 

I'm 

just 

DONE 

goodnight sweetheart

I've gotta say, though

I'm going through the tequila 

at what I would call an alarming rate 

it's been a week 

since I bought

1.75 liters

of tequila 

& I have gone through LIKE three quarters of it

with this new mixer

that's pineapple and jalapenos 

& a citrus THC elixir, or whatever they're calling it

& the thing I NEVER understand 

drinking makes me feel 

BETTER in the morning 

anyway 

I f*CKed UP 

& I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

January 29th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not having a great day

I had a headache 

& took a nap 

& I'm awake now but I'm not sure for how long 

I don't feel great about all this

BUT 

honestly 

a sincere request for help

MIGHT have WORKED 

for something 

& the heartfelt 

APOLOGY

that is NOT even a possibility 

SHE has NEVER 

she LITERALLY undermined all attempts by anyone to protect her 

JUST

so she could go ahead with her original plan

to FORCE me to do what I said I wouldn't do

I don't WANT to abandon her 

BUT 

she's made it CLEAR 

there is NO WAY to deal with her 

SO

I guess we are doing THIS stupid b*llsh*t

I'm FINE with making her FACE consequences 

& she's NOT senile demented

SHE hasn't called or texted

BUT the hospital did call checking her in

at like midnight 

& I KINDA wonder how she managed to make it be SO LATE 

I watched some videos on the shadow

& then I'm talking to myself --

I forgive you for needing to get involved with her at ALL 

I forgive you for needing to get to the point where she proved she doesn't care about you at ALL 

ONLY wants to USE me

I KNEW all THAT 

I really DID but somehow I JUST 

COULD NOT believe it 

I thought there HAD to be

SOMETHING in there

SOMETHING that LOVED me

BUT 

NO

it was foolish 

I'm sorry I made you go through that

& I don't know what parts of myself I'm afraid of 

I KNOW I had that whole existential crisis 

when I realized I wasn't sure 

I might not SNAP 

I don't necessarily even think 

I'm THAT nice of a person 

ANYMORE 

I'm not looking for people to help 

I'm not interested in taking on

OTHER people's STUFF 

I just want to 

PROTECT myself 

HEAL my nervous system 

find out what makes me happy 

I can't do that

FIGHTING 

CONSTANT psy-op battles

& the ONLY way to not

is to HOLD my

BOUNDARIES 

shadow work

SO

I'm watching videos on SHADOW WORK 

& there's a journal question section 

1. what parts of yourself do you dislike

2. what parts of yourself do you judge

3. what parts of yourself do you fear

I feel like I talk about 1 & 2 a LOT 

do I ever talk about 3 -- like EVER

do I FEAR anything about myself 

I'm not sure that I do

I'm not saying I don't have FEAR -- I got plenty 

it's FEAR PARTS

I'm having trouble thinking of

hard day

well

maybe you remember that I called her yesterday 

& told her she needed to call all those people 

& make sure they had her phone number 

well

today they were calling me 

& I gave them her number 

BUT 

I went to her apartment to take her her stuff

PLUS I wasn't sure if her walker was in the car 

I KNEW 

when they called 

she had not abandoned her plan

her plan was to try to force me to be her caregiver by a fait accomplis

which is WHY 

I refused to 

HELP

BUT 

she didn't need to get their number 

because she never intended to use their service 

SO

I took in her stuff 

& I could tell she was there because her lights were different 

SO

I was calling out to her that I was dropping off stuff 

& she's LIKE 

I can't hear you

SO

I went into her bedroom 

& she was on the 

FLOOR 

I TOLD her the stuff again 

& then turned to LEAVE 

DON'T YOU WALK AWAY from ME

I can't lift you

& your phone is in your hand

NOW

she didn't say anything to me when I talked on speaker phone with the case worker 

she didn't call or text

& she didn't call or text whenever she got on the FLOOR 

she's didn't call out when I opened the door

& she didn't say anything about it 

she just called out to me

that she couldn't hear me

I don't think she was on the FLOOR until she heard me come in

& I don't think 

DON'T WALK AWAY from ME

is the tone you use when

you are hoping to get help

are relieved to SEE someone 

WHY NOT 

I asked 

we have to talk

WHAT do we have to talk ABOUT 

well money for one thing

NO, I say, I don't want to talk about money

I TOLD you 

I was trying to HEAL our relationship 

I TOLD you

I wasn't going to BE your caregiver 

I tried for FIVE YEARS and I'm DONE 

there is NO healing our relationship 

YOU made it CLEAR that 

I am not allowed to have boundaries 

the ONLY thing I am allowed to do 

is be your SLAVE 

I TOLD you I was trying to heal our relationship and you were SO HORRIBLE to me

gaslighting and manipulating 

if I come up with a way to keep you safe

you WON'T co-operate 

I DON'T NEED clarification 

I didn't think it was safe for you to be here

I WANTED you to go to an assisted living situation where you would be SAFE 

& YOU chose to come HERE 

call 911

or call the home health care

I can't lift you

& I said I wasn't going to have anything to do with it 

I don't know WHY your here

at no point 

did she ask for help 

at no point did she seem in distress 

it seemed super FAKE 

& she hasn't texted or called since either

I DID make sure she had the home health number

I don't know what she expected 

BUT 

I don't think it was any of THAT 

& I really KNEW 

this was going to be

HARDCORE manipulation when I had the dream 

I KNEW she would do THIS 

BUT 

I tried to make it as HARD as possible 

there was NO middle ground 

good morning sweetheart January 28th

I saw something else I have a strong impulse to buy for you

SO

I'm not sure if that's just

IMPULSE 

OR

some sort of psychic link

& you are very 
COLD

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

& are NOT 

NEEDING a heavy coat RIGHT NOW 

I dreamed I was in a building 

& someone called in a

BOMB threat

I probably shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I wish we were

HIGH

in a really comfortable bed

in a cool hotel room 

SNOGGING