update January 26th

my mom's case manager called me back 

I called her at nine thirty & left another message 

she didn't call back until noonish 

I told her my thoughts again 

& then she went to talk to my mom

she didn't call back until 

four forty-five 

SO

I'm SURE she helped my mom with her 

healthcare choices

BUT 

she's LIKE 

I have mom here on speaker phone

mom is going home with home health 

I'm LIKE 

& she's got transportation 

yes we arranged that

that's great I say

thank you very much 

mom says nothing 

she still hasn't texted me

& I'm getting excited that she might have quit me

although I suspect 

I won't be that lucky

I also suspect there could be issues 

that my mom didn't mention 

or plan for

& I'm not sure what problems could arise 

then a few minutes later 

her case worker calls me

thinking it's my mom

because THAT is the ONLY phone number 

any of these people seem to have 

I give her the right number 

I give the physical therapy people her number 

this evening has been quite 

January 26th

AND

if I am tempted to feel BAD 

I'm reminding myself 

when my therapist's mother

who he SUPER loved

was

DYING 

they asked her where she wanted to go for her final less than a month

&

she said 

she wanted to spend it in her daughter's 

guest room looking out over the water

these are rich people 

with resources to 

HIRE care

she wasn't being asked to be a caregiver 

just make her guest room available 

& she said

NO

you don't LIVE HERE 

which I thought

was cruel 

BUT 

none of them thought it was even unusual 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

MIGHT get a call at NINE

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

pollyanna pattern

I THINK it

MUST be 

a julie andrews thing

it's mary poppins tonight

JUST a SPOON 

full of sugar helps the medicine go down 

in the most 

de-LIGHT-ful 

way

OR

am I meant to be noticing 

a POLLYANNA pattern 

MARY POPPINS

wasn't really all that sweet

-- not in the books --

but julie andrews played it pretty sweet 

I really liked her MOVIES when I was a kid

I've ALWAYS been 

into MOVIES

I don't go to the movies much 

ANYMORE 

thoughts on mom January 25th

I don't know if I can 

just walk away 

either

I'm not sure 

HOW 

I get

her safely safe

BUT 

I don't think safely safe

happens

if I walk

AWAY 

BUT 

I'm not sure 

HOW 

NOT 

to walk away

I can't wait to see what I do

January 25th

I'm sorry 

I feel like I'm being dramatic 

BUT 

I don't see how I can even be around her

anymore 

I haven't told you everything 

& I mean 

I handled it all at the time

BUT 

I just feel like it's 

BROKEN 

irreparably 

I don't want her to be in an unsafe situation 

BUT 

I don't think I can stand her

ANYMORE 

we went through TOO MUCH gaslighting 

TOO MUCH 

WATCHING her

JUST throw everything at me

TRYING to HARDCORE manipulate me 

JUST the level of f*CKing with me and NOT GIVING a sh*t AT ALL about me

I don't expect her to be grateful 

BUT I would sort of expect

her to CARE a little bit 

BUT 

NO

PLUS 

I maybe SAID too much 

being FACED with 

HOW I feel about her

MAYBE it's just too much 

WHY couldn't she just be happy with what I could do, without killing myself 

without losing myself 

I TOLD her every step of the WAY 

I wouldn't be her caregiver 

COULD NOT be 

BUT 

she won't be satisfied 

AND

she did the nasty thing she DOES when she ENDS friendships the CONTEMPTUOUS 

voice & look & whatever

& I just feel like she only cares about using me

I don't feel even a little bit of the shadow of a little girl playing with her doll kind of love

JUST HATE

& I can't get it out of my mind

I don't WANT to be her daughter anymore 

I just want away from her

I don't want to buy groceries for her

I don't want to take her to doctor appointments 

I don't want anything to do with her

this doesn't SEEM mature

BUT 

she isn't SAFE for me

she's a f*CKing HATE BOMB

THIS 

is MORE

ALREADY than I can tolerate

I don't want to SEE her again

I don't want to ever do anything else for her

AND

AGAIN I say

THAT seems dramatic 

BUT 

I didn't love her before

& I don't hate her

or resent her

I wish her well

BUT 

I don't want anything to do with her

she's TOO 

TOXIC

& I know it's maybe wrong to leave her to fend for herself, but 

this last BIT just

isn't old business 

it's new business 

& NO

January 25th

does that seem harsh

I love you

I know I haven't been much fun

I'm really sorry 

this final boss fight is 

HARD

please take good care of yourself 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart and I want you to be well 

& I don't know how much I contribute to that

BUT 

I feel like I have been pretty out of commission 

I finally texted my therapist 

I told him I was having trouble with my mom 

that I was supposed to pick her up & take her home Tuesday 

SO

probably Tuesday wasn't happening 

BUT 

that I was not really sure what my finances were going to be & I wasn't sure if I could afford therapy but that I'd let him know 

when I had a clearer idea

I've decided 

I'm going to tell her case worker

that I'm not willing to pick her up & take her home

BECAUSE 

I don't think it's safe for her to live alone 

& she was completely unwilling to have any discussion about what kind of

support care she was going to arrange 

OR

the possibility of going to an assisted living situation for the rest of her outpatient p/t

& that I feel like picking her up

taking her home 

would be enabling an unsafe decision 

that she's a grown woman who makes her own decisions and I respect that, but I can't in good conscience support it

I think her plan

is to get home

& then expect me to be her caregiver 

which I've told her 

AGAIN & AGAIN 

that I'm not gonna do

I don't want to be in a situation where she is calling me and I have to ignore her

or go over and say

NO

OR

have her fake fall & start the whole process 

OVER again 

I am happy to help her 

get her situation 

figured out 

BUT 

she isn't willing to do that 

I don't want to have to 

ABANDON an old woman 

BUT I'm not going to let her just vampire feed on me either 

if it's her or me

I pick me

she hasn't texted me, btw

SO

MAYBE 

she's done with me

BUT 

I think that's wishful thinking 

she has said SO MUCH sh*t that is rolling around my HEAD 

it's like NEW trauma 

& it's gonna be hard to forget

it ALMOST hurts worse that she understands me SO LITTLE that she THINKS this stuff would work on me

it's all about 

CONTROL for her

not even the actual stuff 

just MAKING ME DO

she's really a SAD little VOID looking to be filled with some sense that power over others makes her important 

which would feel more sympathetic if she wasn't trying to feed on me

January 25th

well

somebody called me from the facility 

am I aware of the tuesday release

I'm LIKE 

I got a phone message about it 

although she couldn't DO ANYTHING 

NOT ANYTHING 

while I was watching 

she has now met

ALL the markers for being released 

she can walk FIFTY FEET with the walker

she can get in and out of the car

supposedly

I'm LIKE 

I don't think she's SAFE to live alone 

SHE is in charge of her

MEDICAL DECISIONS 

BUT 

you keep calling me 

what I want is for her to go into an assisted living 

at least until she finishes her outpatient p/t

I tried to talk to her about it 

& she refused to engage 

she did apparently authorize the outpatient p/t

that comes to her home

BUT 

I'm LIKE 

is it really your opinion that she can live

without help

she's LIKE 

don't you live close

I'm LIKE 

I live close enough to go by and check on her

OCCASIONALLY 

I am NOT able to be a caregiver 

that is not realistic 

& I'm reasonably certain 

she has not planned for people to come in to care for her

I can't make her do anything 

BUT 

HAVE YOU TALKED to HER

she's LIKE 

do you have HER number 

because I ONLY have 

YOURS

SO

I gave it to her

she said she was going to call her 

& her regular case worker 

would call me tomorrow 

not feeling talkative January 24th

I'm sorry 

I don't think I'm gonna be talk-y 

TODAY

I'm worried about how this is all gonna go down 

she's nasty

& MUCH crazier than ME 

SO

I'm not sure what to expect 

I'm trying to 

MAINTAIN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

reframe

I changed it slightly 

I called and left a message 

with her case worker 

I got your message yesterday 

that you are releasing her 

TUESDAY 

I DO NOT believe she is SAFE to live BY HERSELF 

I DO NOT SUPPORT any plan to move her back into her apartment 

I want her in some kind of assisted living where she will be SAFE

she is IN CHARGE of HER OWN medical decisions 

& I have been unable to CONVINCE her on assisted living

I would appreciate any assistance you can give me to help with THIS 

this reframes it as being about HER SAFETY 

which is TRUE 

AND

ANY REASONS for ANYTHING ELSE are NOT REALLY RELEVANT to the situation 

sleep is good January 24th

OK

this is where I come down 

I was happy to help her

set up a system 

where she could live independently 

I was happy to help her

find an assisted living situation 

where she could be safe with people to care for her

the ONLY form of assistance she is prepared to accept from me

is one where I assume all responsibility for her life and care

THAT

is not an option 

& she has

KNOWN 

that is not an option 

SO

I'm afraid I can no longer be involved 

I haven't listened to the messages

I haven't called back yet 

BUT 

I think 

this is the ONLY way to approach it 

goodnight

I'm tense

I'm gonna meditate 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

song in my HEAD

I had doe a dear a female dear

Ray a drop of golden sun

I mean 

WHOLE SONG 

I feel like 

it could hit different ways

julie andrews 

vocal music 

n*zis

watching it with my father & brother

songs I used to love to sing

when I was a kid

what is it trying to tell me 

the SONG in my HEAD 

January 24th

OK

I'm just spinning spinning spinning 

I gotta SNAP OUT of it

& the news

& HOW am I EXPRESSING this

I probably need to get

some l-theanine 

I missed my

NIGHT dose

I got this five step plan for INFJ brains that SOUNDS genius 

I'm totally trying it

this realization 

was one of the STEPS 

take 30 second physical check-ins

& I realized 

I was

BECOMING 

overwrought or overloaded or something 

I forgot the propolis ointment TOO 

let me take care of THAT