I dislike titles generally

I do feel kinda disconnected 

although I can't explain 

it's like

the bits are INTENSE 

but they don't FEEL integrated 

I had these loose ends

I couldn't quite handle 

did not respond to therapist 

WHAT was I gonna SAY 

BUt

I didn't 

RESPOND 

I got a text

CANCELLING 

& I can't take it seriously 

it just is already ABSTRACTED 

lucy reached out

I haven't responded 

I feel like it would be 

what I should

MAYBE do

BUT 

the gesture of reaching out 

is supposed to be 

to help 

& I think she is trying to help 

BUT 

I don't want to talk about it with her

I don't have the strength 

I cannot explain 

I feel like I 

SHOULD 

be able to explain 

I'm not convinced this is not

REALLY WEIRD 

that felt difficult

OK

I took l-theanine & ibuprofen 

I will not continue 

UNLESS you 

take the

chlorella 

OK

I WANT to FEEL better 

I took tumeric too

& the astaxthin

& this water

is adorable 

it's mystery source "purified" which is vague

plus electrolytes 

but it's FUNDING cleaning out

OCEAN plastic 

there's something I don't like 

about package design

BUT 

I don't know what it is

it's vaguely unsettling 

I'm doing some sort of meditative thing I think

there's a limited color palate

& it's one of those

BUNKHOUSE 

so it's like took an old motel 

TEXTURE 

& there's probably a name for it

I don't know what it is 

PLANTS

I let the bartender open a tab

I NEVER do that

it can become a problem 

EASILY 

& honestly it KINDA did

BUT 

honestly 

it was

FINE

& I went to the desk

do you sell water

I forgot water

we got FREE water

& that couldn't have worked out better

& NOW I'm trying to make myself 

take my chlorella 

because 

it will make me feel better 

BUT 

I really don't want to 

thoughts on hyper FOCUS

this car

is a different experience 

it's a Mazda

I test drove one of those

before I bought my

CURRENT 

CAR

there's something about it 

I got in the car

it's got one of those 

PUSH 

buttons

I hate those

I don't enjoy the push button experience 

& it triples my 

LOCK the KEYS in the CAR

ANXIETY 

I couldn't figure out the air-conditioning 

I'm LIKE 

I'll roll down the window -- a little 

I couldn't figure out the radio 

ANYWAY 

I tried to drive the speed limit

I read and re-read 

the directions 

I copied

from maps search

& I'm LIKE 

do you remember any of this 

from times you've driven 

BEFORE 

& NO 

nothing ever sticks

there are at LEAST two ways 

I've GONE and I NEVER 

KNOW 

which one is which

& TODAY

I took TOLL roads

& I don't think I've GONE this way before 

BUT 

I feel like there should be some 

OVERLAP

I couldn't find it 

I JUST DROVE 

there was a point I thought it might be electric*

it's a HYBRID 

*she just drops that in with no context

I SAW

something about charging 

& I had to run back

when you checked for gas cap release

it wasn't a weird new symbol 

WAS IT -- it was NOT 

SO

I didn't freak out 

which side was the gas cap on

you DIDN'T check THAT 

you ALWAYS check that

I think I just was in this 

FLOW STATE

& I don't know which things contributed

I didn't buy that car

because 

it was

UNCOMFORTABLE 

& I thought it was because 

I was TOO FAT

for the

TINY

CAR

BUT 

this thing is

BIG 

but it is ALL UP in my SPACE

the seatbelt cuts

I'm LIKE 

I got this touk

I wore cause it was inextricably 

FORTY FIVE DEGREES 

it's warmer now

I'm jamming it under the seat belt

it's got 

BLIND SPOTS 

it's all the headrests

which are somehow completely

WRONG for me

BUT 

I love the way the car feels 

it's the kind of thing 

that makes me

TURN it

back around 

MAYBE 

this is a BETTER 

POSTURE

& what it wrings in stress with the 

blind spots

it gives

BACK

with the back up camera

the intuitive side mirror adjustment 

the exact intuitive side sensor

BUT 

I'm not even sure 

my mind was wandering 

only a little bit lost

I'm very excited 

I of course got lost

BUT 

I got the talking directions to work 

& the woman checking me in

TOOK my information 

BUT 

then she was doing something else

reward points or something 

& she's LIKE 

what state was your ID from, OREGON?

I haven't been prouder

since someone in Freiburg asked me if I was from

FRANCE 

if I can get mistaken for 

CANADIAN 

it will make my year, eh

good morning

such great stuff 

you have been on fire

& I haven't properly 

said so

I'm in the throws of

ANXIETY 

about leaving the house 

BUT

I'm almost 

on the road 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

wild card, they won the wild card

I had a pretty good day 

I did laundry 

I planned better

I had thought

I'd just KINDA wing it old SKOOL rather than plan because that's all spontaneous 

BUT 

then I remembered 

THAT works better when you're wandering 

BUT 

the one place 

I had stayed there with mom once

the other place

seemed somewhat gratuitous tacky 

I couldn't get behind there were places 

they didn't seem limited 

I thought maybe 

there were other options not on the booking site

I was gonna see

TODAY'S eyes

SAID 

NO

not a good idea -- look again 

& I found

AGAIN 

the first place I had seen that went away 

& was more than I wanted 

BUT 

seemed like a place I would LIKE 

& the thing is

SOMETIMES 

a place can VIBE you into a mindset 

& this LAST BIT 

with my mom has been a little 

INTENSE

I took a chance with a cake

it was CALLED 

a Mardi gras cake 

BUT 

it wasn't a king cake 

& I don't KNOW 

WHAT is a Mardi gras cake 

it's got layers 

it's got

FLAVORS I can't identify 

in the m.g. colors

& in the icing

it had

SUGAR

on the sides large grains

colored LIKE blue-y green

& on TOP a crystal

FLAKE SUGAR 

it glittered like snow

& coffee

with powdered milk

I watched superman kinda because of my pen

BUT 

I noticed different things 

partly because 

small screen 

BUT 

honestly 

I think I've changed since I saw it

& I mean the context in which I'm watching it 

has ALSO changed 

I engaged with the "f*CKing b*tch" group trigger

but didn't really get triggered 

I got some birthday wishes 

& I enjoyed them

& I enjoyed 

CANADA 

& the pen is from canada 

& I used it for writing 

LISTS

I watched a handful of ---   keep it up cutie vids

she's a stand-up 

I really enjoy them

they don't SEEM like I'd like them

I never liked the

I'm good enough, smart enough, & gosh darn it people like me

HERS

are funny

BUT 

like hey

don't be thinking this is supposed to be 

like falling off a log

I'm not looking for validation 

BUT 

the I'm so frickin proud of you 

is like a replacement line

OR

just to add it into the 

CACOPHONY 

I enjoyed 

the whole process 

of choosing and planning and doing the things 

at my pace

I engaged with the ideas

without overthinking it 

without having to 

see myself 

inside 

it

I'm not sure that conveys the experience well

BUT 

I'm trying to get it

it feels detached 

BUT 

then I'm crying at superman

I don't have it all figured out 

I'm trying to remember to bend my knees

it was a good day 

BUT 

you can't see in my HEAD 

SO

I'm trying to 

DESCRIBE 

I gotta sleep though 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like I'm not 

REALLY 

making any sense 

just little fragments 

I love those little houses 

I saw a thing about the bears

they were putting 

CHEESE GRATERS 

on their heads

I've seen the cheese hats

I've never seen the 

GRATERS 

I should have looked it up

I'll look it up now

probably an important 

GAME

why do I have the Flintstones theme in my HEAD

I watched 

SUPERMAN 

again 

it IS pretty 

WOKE

I really LIKE it 

cinabon & forest fires

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I forgot to tell you 

I had king of the world in my HEAD 

this morning 

thoughts

I had this song stuck in my HEAD 

& I'm LIKE 

WAIT 

where is that FROM because 

it doesn't make

SENSE

it was FROM, I remembered

KISS me KATE

WHY

that song then

my favorite song from that

MOVIE, at least, I've never seen the play

is I'm always true to you darling in my fashion 

WELL 

that is a VERY different VIBE

that would probably 

send you down a WRONG pathway interpretation 

MAYBE 

he's thinking about 

KISSING you 

today

I went to see my mom today

& I feel like I did pretty well

I notice

I'm still LIKE reading what I think she WANTS 

at least on some level

because I'm walking out to my car

& I'm saying to myself 

I'm sorry you WANT 

me to act like

you are my sweet dear old mother

for that to happen 

you need to have been SWEET and DEAR

whatever 

I didn't react

I decided 

I don't like the rouille d'ancre in that pen either 

& I was LIKE 

why don't you 

TRY

the ink it came with 

& I'm LIKE 

BUT 

it's all SHIMMER -Y 

& it's gunk up the pen

it is the ink it CAME with 

SO

I tried it

&

it's beautiful 

it's a little MUCH but it's beautiful 

SO

I don't know what I think about it