brain churn, maybe

there's this way

in which I

FEEL 

like I'm not the same 

from day to day

& have these

PARTS

I am finding it slightly unsettling 

& I just had this really 

BIG anxiety 

thing

I wouldn't call it an attack 

it was MORE like 

my perspective SHIFTED 

I SAW something 

& it freaked me out 

I was brushing my teeth 

I started gagging 

hacking up

sputum 

I'm not sure what it was

I was thinking about 

HOW 

that looking for how you fit in

that SOUNDS 

very trad feminine 

&

I was contrasting 

I have some things that I'm very trad masc

AND

I'm not SURE 

is that LIKE a PARTS thing

or a non-binary 

THING

I'm feeling like there is stuff going on 

that I don't understand 

& I didn't finish that area

I haven't been able to do it I'm all LIKE 

I'm not STRONG enough 

BUT 

there is a connection between 

disengagement with 

REALITY 

& STUFF 

& I can't map exactly how much time 

I'm connected to some though

that is not EXACTLY 

disengagement 

so much as

ENGAGING in THINKING 

MAYBE 

one of the tangential lines of thinking 

is HOW uncomfortable am I

with the things

I've ever done or thought or felt before 

& WHAT I might 

pick instead

& MAYBE 

I'm NOW overanalyzing 

probably that's right 

I have this 

IDEA

of

STANDING as MYSELF 

which I thought I pretty much always DID 

BUT 

in SOME WAY

maybe I mask 

or maybe 

I need to focus

on getting 

something across specifically 

I guess I'm coming from 

we KNOW we could be

EASIER 

to understand 

WHAT 

are we making 

CLEARER

I need to do that with myself as well 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in may 1st

I am thinking about 

this dome greenhouse I saw

& whether I could 

SLEEP 

in it

or if that would be 

uncomfortably 

HOT

or stuffy

I THINK 

I always thought about 

intimacy between people as being

aggressive & slightly 

VIOLENT

& I don't think the new me

thinks about it that way

I've really changed a lot since I first met you

& I think one way I haven't quite finished changing YET 

is that I don't WANT to just be trying to figure out 

where is the 
SPACE 

I FILL

& I don't know if that makes sense 

I feel like that is how I'm programmed 

& I'm not sure how to 

NOT do THAT 

sleep time

that piano song 

really made me happy 

& strangely 

I was hearing the theme from the young & the restless when I was falling asleep last night & then again this morning 

strangely because 

THAT was not a soap opera I watched 

I guess it came on 

BEFORE 

or something 

because I'd heard the music 

I think maybe it was

a little more 

SPICY

or something 

I'm maybe 

trying to get a feel for myself as

I don't think I WAS ever

EXTREMELY

SHY

THAT

is part of this

newer CRAZY

that's all an oversimplification 

RECENTLY 

I've discovered that I have Saturn 

in the first house

& that means 

MAYBE 

I have some out in the world disciplined 

being seen type destiny

MAYBE 

especially when combined with the 

SAGITTARIUS midheaven 

& I remembered that 

I WAS MORE like THAT 

than I feel like I am currently 

BUT 

I'm building a new thing-y

& I realize

the old thing-y was

BROKEN 

I don't want to put the broken stuff 

back in, but that's easier said than done 

MAYBE 

I am not sure what I'm doing 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

my best explanation of what is going on with me currently -- check in april 30th

a couple days ago 

I slept funny

jacked up my neck & shoulder 

I spent time

stretching and massaging 

BUT 

it was still kinda effed up last night

& when I woke up today 

I was LIKE 

I think this is BODY WORK 

I've been looking at myself 

& saying

GIRL

ain't nothing tantalizing about your bod

you wrecked

& I'm not really 

inhabiting my body

I'm a think-y brain with a body attached 

& with the decrease in body pain 

from the relaxing nervous system 

I'm just ignoring my body 

MORE 

BUT 

as I tried stretching my neck

as I worked the kinks out of the place on my back

I used to think of as a hump

where I fell & hit it on the tub at lindley's house

before a bunch of us

went to galveston 

it's not really a hump anymore 

but it is still KINDA a trouble spot

when it STILL HURT months later

my mom finally agreed to take me to a doctor 

they SAID 

well, it was probably soft tissue damage 

when they couldn't see anything on 

the x-rays

BUT 

my neck used to go out of alignment 

way up at the top*

I've always carried my stress

in my shoulders

& I have the injury site

KINDA in the middle of all that

& I think my body wants

MORE from me

than to be

TOLD

STUFF to DO

F.I.O**

SO

I'm stretching & massaging 

& trying to FEEL like I'm 

INHABITING 

my body 

I think some of my

in my HEAD-ness

started by

FEELING my feelings 

& some of that

was a lot of residual stuff surrounding my mom 

& maybe I shouldn't have done that 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

NOT 

feeling my feelings 

led to trouble 

historically 

I thought

& SO

I'm not sure what I think about that now

BUT 

I DO think

I HAVE it figure out this body work

I have to make some kind of

PEACE with myself 

I'm not a disembodied brain

I don't want to be

semi-dissociated, or whatever

*I'm pretty sure that's going on right now too

**figure it out

check in april 29th

I've been pretty thinky

& I feel like 

I'm not 

SUPER 

organized in my thinking*

BUT 

I think you are 

COOL

*by which I think I mean I'm not saying things in the right order & am going to sound like I'm prioritizing things some kinda way way and I don't feel like saying in not particular order is a fix for it so I don't know if that means I'm paranoid or not sufficiently sovereign or what my problem is but

YOU are COOL

& I LOVE you VERY much 

& I love the shirt

it's adorable 

& I think

it's ALL 

VERY exciting

& I'm grateful for you 

& I was never not

BUT 

I was caught up in some stuff 

& I wasn't feeling the grateful-ness generally 

& I was trying to decide 

WHY

I'm not sure I have the answer yet

I'm gonna try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶