mother's day thoughts

I have all these things 

I'm thinking about 

it's mother's day 

I guess technically today 

& I'm not really sure 

what I FEEL about the things

I think I'm not that upset

about not having 

kids

I have reason to question 

how good a mother

I might have

managed

to be 

&

besides 

I kinda worked through some of what

were issues when I was a manager

I MEAN 

obviously not the SAME but I think that's 

KINDA

my thing

I get whatever usable 

life experience I have in some

non-standard way

things stand-in

for other things

& MAYBE 

that's 

an adaptation 

or maybe 

it's JUST 

that I process things

DIFFERENTLY 

I'm not confident 

I had the capacity to be a good mother

while attempting to do

ANYTHING else 

I had some experiences 

make me WONDER 

I took my niece

to the ZOO 

& something about the level of attention 

was ALMOST hypnotic

I was not SURE if I took my eyes

OFF her 

for a second 

she was not gonna

JUST 

JUMP

into the alligators 

I think it's entirely possible 

I would not have been

up to the task

& it was never a life goal

I wanted things

BUT

they were related

to my feelings for you, mostly

with occasional ideas for

positively shaping

an upbringing 

which I find

I have opinions about 

I certainly didn't dream about

any kind of suburban wife

situation 

I'm not a regular person 

I'm pretty different 

& whether that's 

a neurodivergent thing 

or a trauma thing

or a creative

CRAZY 

it doesn't really matter what exactly is going on

what matters is what I need to do

to make my brain work

to do the things that

I WANT to DO

AND

I find it hard to believe 

that I can look at my life one way

& it's been an amazing adventure 

AND

I can look at it another way

and it's just nothing

nothing accomplished 

THAT

would be

the way my mother would look at it, I think

I've been thinking about 

when she was in the rehab hospital 

& her legs were swollen 

& they wouldn't increase her meds

I was talking to one of her doctors 

who wasn't the "decider" on the diuretics 

my mom must have been giving me 

the narcissist disgust look

or something 

because this doctor

she LOOKED at 

my mom

& she

SAID 

your daughter is advocating for you really hard 

the LEAST you could do

would be to SMILE 

at her a little 

& my mom said 

SHE ALWAYS WORKS HARD

she kinda made it

SOUND

LIKE 

no CREDIT for THAT 

& I don't really want to talk about 

HOW I FEEL 

so much as to

SAY

different parts of me

FEEL DIFFERENT 

I can notice

different 

PARTS

there's a part

that's like

if she has trouble 

because she

wouldn't believe you when you said you wouldn't 

THAT

is poetic justice 

there is a part that says

it is entirely possible 

that she's blown up her life trying to 

MAKE me DO

thinking she could force my hand

because I wouldn't be able to 

STAND it

with a whole bunch of dominoes dropping 

& the protector part

is LIKE 

I DO NOT CARE 

if they are 

grinding her 

into 

hamburger 

& FEEDING her to WILD DOGS 

we are NOT getting involved 

SO

mother's day 

HITS different 

this year

strangely 

it seems LESS triggering 

check in april 25th

I really like the

SOUND

it's got these different 

ELEMENTS

& it's really full or dense or I'm not sure what to call it but there's a 

DARK 

quality to it that I vibe with 

BUT 

then it has these

PLAYFUL 

qualities as well that you usually don't get

TOGETHER 

I'm into it

OK

I couldn't go to sleep without listening a little 

I LOVE chameleon 

& wireless 🔥 

the almost wordless song

GENIUS 

I imagined it re-mixed into

an otherworldly 

club scene

I'm looking forward to hearing the rest

more thoughts

I'm sorry 

I realized 

I was processing 

& didn't do the Friday thing

I'm sorry that might have been better 

& I just wasn't wanting to 

MIX that

into my t. rex shadow

montage

sometimes 

that works out badly

BUT 

I wasn't trying to 

SKIP

just be properly 

OPEN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

thoughts April 24th

I think 

when you're working through 

EMOTIONAL stuff

MAYBE 

it's natural to 

not go in 

a straight 

LINE

I feel 

BETTER 

today

& the dream was really helpful 

SOMEHOW 

in some way

I can't explain 

& I guess 

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

to be in a state

with someone else 

at the same time they are in the same state

without either of you 

"at-ing"

& there was an aquatic quality to it

MAYBE 

or gravity became

whimsical*

*I saw somebody use whimsical & it made me want to use it and I'm not sure this was the right place

BUT 

maybe it is

because 

the point is not to be

TOUGH

the POINT is not to feel like you need to be tough

is it

I'm not sure 

is the tough 

an act 

or 

do you feel

that you are 

indeed 

tough

I'm not sure 

I don't want to 

MASK

I'm not sure if what I do is masking

sleep is good 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

good morning sweetheart

I had a LOT of dreams 

& I don't really remember SPECIFICS except 

the final image

MAYBE 

the others will come back to me

there was school

ART school 

ALL KINDS of THINGS 

BUT 

at my gran gran's house

I was looking out

a window*

*which was not configured correctly from a historical standpoint 

I was LOOKING out a window 

at an enormous 

MOOSE

I had seen it earlier 

BUT 

I was shocked 

because it was remaining in the

SAME position 

& I didn't see 

HOW 

it was EVEN possible for it to be in 

THAT POSITION 

at ALL

MUCH LESS

for an extended amount of 

TIME

it was on its hind legs 

with its front legs 

UP in kind of 

a supplication 

CURLED

&

it just stayed like that

STATIONARY 

HOW 

was it balancing

HOW 

did it remain 

STRONG 

& in the shadows 

it was

SHIFTED

back & forth

from a 

MOOSE 

to a

T REX

with its curled up little arms

& I suppose 

you COULD call

EITHER 

of them a 

MONSTER 

BUT 

that wouldn't be 

ACCURATE