magic

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

checking stuff off the list

I had the password right 

I had the user name 

WRONG 

it was a different email 

that I must have signed up with originally 

or something 

BUT 

I did it

all done

not as bad as I was afraid of 

BUT 

higher, yes

things and stuff

TODAY 

songs stuck in my HEAD 

thanksgiving day parade 

miracle and wonder 

a thousand years 

did practice run for tomorrow for time schedule 

did laundry 

drove the car

did visualization to reality exercise which worked*

checked in with mom via text

now icing knee

*a f*CKton of people live in my apartments, but when I come back there is rarely anyone driving in the gate -- I almost always need my card, which I forgot to take with when I left for driving.  Now, I can park on the street, go in, get the card, come back out, drive around the block to the gate -- I didn't want to do that.  So on the way back I visualized a car going in ahead of me and when I got there it was there and the timing was right.

sweet dreams sweetheart

I've gotta sleep 

earlier 

hospital monday 

EARLY 

& I gotta cycle

BACK

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

more thoughts on FEELS

the ANXIETY may have been triggered

by trying to log in to the marketplace 

for the insurance 

&

SOMEHOW 

screwing that up

so I couldn't 

get in

&

some other life things

that I have to DEAL with 

BUT 

that I really really intensely DON'T want to do 

&

I have this NEW thing

where I'm like

you will KNOW what you need to do

WHEN you need to do it

ALL the FEAR just UNDERMINES

KNOW that you CAN HANDLE it

the way you TOLD jason 

he didn't NEED 

to PROVE it 

if he KNEW it 

well I say to YOU NOW in the way that YOU SAID 

YOU don't need to PROVE it 

YOU NEED to 

KNOW it

mind wanderings

I may have done something wrong 

I may have said something 

too generally 

& looked like I didn't engage 

I think that is what I think I might have done WRONG 

this is a thing I sometimes do

I will just say

I probably 

didn't engage properly 

I don't think I have much capacity right now 

BUT 

I got some sparkling bits

& I LOVE you VERY much 

semi coherent

I am still processing a bunch of stuff

& NOW

I'm suddenly 

ANXIOUS

that

I did something that

made you

ANXIOUS 

I am trying to work my way through this 

I had some weird experiences 

at the hospital 

I want to TELL you ABOUT 

& with my mom

I don't even remember 

I was SCREAMING at her

there was a lady at the hospital 

it was like that guy in 

OKEEMAH

I'm vasilating between

EFFICIENT in CHARGE

RAGE

& terrified

with

TINY bits

of mysticism or something 

I mis-heard that line

I have a song in my HEAD that doesn't seem to be on YouTube 

BRIGHT EYES 

by bonnie tyler 

NOT, maybe the WHOLE song

& NOW it's getting all

MIXED in with her

OTHER songs

I loved her voice

BUT 

in my HEAD 

it's LIKE 

TOGETHER we can MAKE it 

to the END of the LINE

LOVE you like a child from the OTHER side 

is that the lyrics as recorded 

WHAT does that MEAN

FOREVER'S 

gonna start 

TONIGHT 

giving off sparks

I really need you tonight 

forever gonna start tonight 

forever gonna start tonight 

I'm not sure if that's 

good or bad

MAYBE 

when I listened to songs as a KID 

I really ONLY FOCUSED on the 

EMOTION

rather than the lyrics as such

it was that raw KINDA damaged sound

I LIKE THAT 

billie, janice, bonnie 

not to the exclusion of other sounds

BUT I CONNECT

I liked old merman too, come to think of it

I hope everything is beautiful where you are

I'm sorry I didn't say much today 

I'm MEGA processing 

as it turns out 

the surgeon will come by

at the hospital on Monday

& he will have a complete set of tests

SO

I guess 

it's all it's all working out 

I ACTUALLY had 

some kinda magical moments 

in the hospital yesterday 

&

hospitals used to kinda trigger me

because of

joan, gran gran, and my dad

BUT 

this was different 

my knees still hurt

BUT 

I remembered 

I had a capsicum & magnesium cream

& THAT helped

I need to try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

morning

I'm not saying 

I SHOULD have known the make and model 

she's in the Methodist system 

they can look it up

& ALSO

I organized her purse before we went

& she had a card that had the info

SO

I was actually able to tell them

it had just not actually 

even occurred to me that there WERE

multiple brands

my knees still hurt 

I'm not going to the hospital 

unless there's some 

crisis-y reason 

& I'm not even sure she's got a room YET 

I was trying to stay until she got a room 

probably I should have just gone home

little richard seems grumpy

walking fast behind the ambulance guys (not my normal fast -- broke knee fast) seemed to be working at the time, but now = OW

I gave up & left

I need sleep 

& my knees

HURT

& the nine dunn tower west

is FULL

& she is fourth in line

they don't KNOW what's wrong with her yet