goodnight sweetheart

I've gotta say, though

I'm going through the tequila 

at what I would call an alarming rate 

it's been a week 

since I bought

1.75 liters

of tequila 

& I have gone through LIKE three quarters of it

with this new mixer

that's pineapple and jalapenos 

& a citrus THC elixir, or whatever they're calling it

& the thing I NEVER understand 

drinking makes me feel 

BETTER in the morning 

anyway 

I f*CKed UP 

& I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

January 29th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not having a great day

I had a headache 

& took a nap 

& I'm awake now but I'm not sure for how long 

I don't feel great about all this

BUT 

honestly 

a sincere request for help

MIGHT have WORKED 

for something 

& the heartfelt 

APOLOGY

that is NOT even a possibility 

SHE has NEVER 

she LITERALLY undermined all attempts by anyone to protect her 

JUST

so she could go ahead with her original plan

to FORCE me to do what I said I wouldn't do

I don't WANT to abandon her 

BUT 

she's made it CLEAR 

there is NO WAY to deal with her 

SO

I guess we are doing THIS stupid b*llsh*t

I'm FINE with making her FACE consequences 

& she's NOT senile demented

SHE hasn't called or texted

BUT the hospital did call checking her in

at like midnight 

& I KINDA wonder how she managed to make it be SO LATE 

I watched some videos on the shadow

& then I'm talking to myself --

I forgive you for needing to get involved with her at ALL 

I forgive you for needing to get to the point where she proved she doesn't care about you at ALL 

ONLY wants to USE me

I KNEW all THAT 

I really DID but somehow I JUST 

COULD NOT believe it 

I thought there HAD to be

SOMETHING in there

SOMETHING that LOVED me

BUT 

NO

it was foolish 

I'm sorry I made you go through that

& I don't know what parts of myself I'm afraid of 

I KNOW I had that whole existential crisis 

when I realized I wasn't sure 

I might not SNAP 

I don't necessarily even think 

I'm THAT nice of a person 

ANYMORE 

I'm not looking for people to help 

I'm not interested in taking on

OTHER people's STUFF 

I just want to 

PROTECT myself 

HEAL my nervous system 

find out what makes me happy 

I can't do that

FIGHTING 

CONSTANT psy-op battles

& the ONLY way to not

is to HOLD my

BOUNDARIES 

shadow work

SO

I'm watching videos on SHADOW WORK 

& there's a journal question section 

1. what parts of yourself do you dislike

2. what parts of yourself do you judge

3. what parts of yourself do you fear

I feel like I talk about 1 & 2 a LOT 

do I ever talk about 3 -- like EVER

do I FEAR anything about myself 

I'm not sure that I do

I'm not saying I don't have FEAR -- I got plenty 

it's FEAR PARTS

I'm having trouble thinking of

hard day

well

maybe you remember that I called her yesterday 

& told her she needed to call all those people 

& make sure they had her phone number 

well

today they were calling me 

& I gave them her number 

BUT 

I went to her apartment to take her her stuff

PLUS I wasn't sure if her walker was in the car 

I KNEW 

when they called 

she had not abandoned her plan

her plan was to try to force me to be her caregiver by a fait accomplis

which is WHY 

I refused to 

HELP

BUT 

she didn't need to get their number 

because she never intended to use their service 

SO

I took in her stuff 

& I could tell she was there because her lights were different 

SO

I was calling out to her that I was dropping off stuff 

& she's LIKE 

I can't hear you

SO

I went into her bedroom 

& she was on the 

FLOOR 

I TOLD her the stuff again 

& then turned to LEAVE 

DON'T YOU WALK AWAY from ME

I can't lift you

& your phone is in your hand

NOW

she didn't say anything to me when I talked on speaker phone with the case worker 

she didn't call or text

& she didn't call or text whenever she got on the FLOOR 

she's didn't call out when I opened the door

& she didn't say anything about it 

she just called out to me

that she couldn't hear me

I don't think she was on the FLOOR until she heard me come in

& I don't think 

DON'T WALK AWAY from ME

is the tone you use when

you are hoping to get help

are relieved to SEE someone 

WHY NOT 

I asked 

we have to talk

WHAT do we have to talk ABOUT 

well money for one thing

NO, I say, I don't want to talk about money

I TOLD you 

I was trying to HEAL our relationship 

I TOLD you

I wasn't going to BE your caregiver 

I tried for FIVE YEARS and I'm DONE 

there is NO healing our relationship 

YOU made it CLEAR that 

I am not allowed to have boundaries 

the ONLY thing I am allowed to do 

is be your SLAVE 

I TOLD you I was trying to heal our relationship and you were SO HORRIBLE to me

gaslighting and manipulating 

if I come up with a way to keep you safe

you WON'T co-operate 

I DON'T NEED clarification 

I didn't think it was safe for you to be here

I WANTED you to go to an assisted living situation where you would be SAFE 

& YOU chose to come HERE 

call 911

or call the home health care

I can't lift you

& I said I wasn't going to have anything to do with it 

I don't know WHY your here

at no point 

did she ask for help 

at no point did she seem in distress 

it seemed super FAKE 

& she hasn't texted or called since either

I DID make sure she had the home health number

I don't know what she expected 

BUT 

I don't think it was any of THAT 

& I really KNEW 

this was going to be

HARDCORE manipulation when I had the dream 

I KNEW she would do THIS 

BUT 

I tried to make it as HARD as possible 

there was NO middle ground 

good morning sweetheart January 28th

I saw something else I have a strong impulse to buy for you

SO

I'm not sure if that's just

IMPULSE 

OR

some sort of psychic link

& you are very 
COLD

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

& are NOT 

NEEDING a heavy coat RIGHT NOW 

I dreamed I was in a building 

& someone called in a

BOMB threat

I probably shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I wish we were

HIGH

in a really comfortable bed

in a cool hotel room 

SNOGGING