Monday, April 13, 2026

feelings

there's a feeling 
I'm feeling 
GREATFUL
but like somewhere 
BETWEEN 

thanks man
for always having my back
&
something else 
I'm finding 
HARD to
EXPRESS

romance / sports / mystery / brainteaser

LUCKY --- 

goodnight

I MEAN 
SO much random 
I was getting 
STUCK
on BAND AID commercial jingles

come Josephine in my flying machine 

NOW
I'm getting poker face

SO
WHAT does that mean 

I'm not being vulnerable enough?
THAT might NEED something 
I feel like I've been being 
vulnerable 

BUT 
I guess I didn't elaborate on 
all the ruminatory
& I think that was 
MORE because I didn't WANT to WRITE them

I'm not great at stopping 
is part of WHY
I run the 
fiddly fjords program
ya KNOW 

also though it's got the whole inner divinity thing
which KINDA reinforces
the sovereignty 

I'm always building the system
I guess
& the thing is 
I'm really 
NOT SURE 
how much of what I say actually makes sense
or I'm questioning and sensitive 
or something 
I'm not like being patronizing 
BUT 
SUDDENLY 
it seems like it could come off that way
OH
L-theanine 

bigish thoughts

valentinian gnosticism 
is interesting to me
it seems to iron out some of the 
PROBLEMS 
of earlier 
GNOSTICISM 
in a VERY elegant way

ALSO
they had this whole angle
which was
ALSO
elegant 

they were genuinely interested in 
EDUCATING people 
at a time when
people 
WANTED 
education --- which ALSO meant they were becoming the information people were taking to whatever branch of Christian they were

& then of course 
the message 
wasn't 
the
ESTABLISHMENT 
message 
SO
THEN it became necessary to preach 
AGAINST 
& THAT 
all becomes a LOT less interesting to me

BUT 
I've run up against a BIT 
I don't understand 

it's about there being 
a physical self
a soul self
a spirit self

I don't understand where is the distinction 
is it LIKE 
I'm made of meat
then I have a personality kind of thing
that's like MEMORY files of THIS experience 

MAYBE 
SEPARATE from 
what I assumed to be a SOUL which I assumed to be KINDA riding through 
MULTIPLES
of THIS sort of EXPERIENCE 
BUT 
THEN
WHAT 
is 
the SPIRIT 

I'm not SAYING 
HEY babe
I'm, like, a valentinian gnostic now
it's a fiddly little system 
but it's fiddly like fjords

& anyway 
I don't believe 
THEY
didn't THINK 
they 
KNEW 

BUT 
it isn't clear to me 
at least not from the prof's explanation 
BUT 
I really don't want to start reading 
SECONDARY 
materials

the way I'm trying to 
CONCEPTUALIZE 
although 
I'm not all together certain that I 
CAN
or actually even whether this is
CORRECT 

I THINK your SPIRIT 
is a PIECE of you
that is the
SPARK

BUT 
SOMETIMES 
it seems to be saying 
that the spark is like 
the BIT of the
ORIGINAL 
BREATH 
of LIFE 

down through the generations
cultivated, maybe 
& then
after
DEATH there's this WHOLE PROCESS 

where --- ya know how they were working on it 
you're spark bit gets rejoined with the 
ANGELIC HALF
you are brought BACK into
BALANCE 

rejoins the real god

AND
SOMETIMES 

your SPIRIT is 
MAYBE 
the PART that
has GNOSIS

& KNOWS
YOU are 
DIVINE 

these two seem opposite somehow 

in the one case it almost seems like 
it wouldn't & maybe even shouldn't 
KNOW ME 

maybe I'm wrong on that
it just seems like 
SPECIFICS
take you
CLOSER to SOUL

& SOUL
doesn't GET you to HEAVEN

BUT
if it's MY divinity
OR perhaps 
the UNDERSTANDING 
that ultimately 
I am a little 
PIECE of
heaven

do you SEE where they're 
LOSING me

anyway 
I was thinking about that stuff 
& THEN
I started dealing with 
STUFF 

& I really 
lost some ground there

the sprouts are doing good 
they require much less
attention than I was
giving them
I was over watering 

I have a bad tendency to over water
which probably comes as no 
surprise 

THEN 
I tend to force myself not to
& THEN forget entirely 
UNTIL the plant
DIES

I'm EATING these
SO I'm unlikely to forget about them

DID you KNOW 
the WHITE SOX had
a POPE HAT
give away

goodnight sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 


Sunday, April 12, 2026

dream thoughts

the first restaurant 
it doesn't seem like what I was doing 
was waitressing 
I would get an order
& it came out a slot
& I went & dumped it in this vat of something 
SO
I guess I was more like cooking it
& I don't know if I was taking it
TO
people or what

THEN
I don't remember anything about the second place except maybe I was at the wrong place 

& the last place was a swanky place
I was talking to someone official 
manager, owner, not sure
& they were talking about their 
PROBLEMS 
& I was like
OH
I'm happy to help with that
I don't think I'm much of a waitress
BUT 
I UNDERSTAND 
working a line
getting things done 

what makes you think you aren't a good waitress 
she asked

I don't think I passed the on the job experience 
at (I can't remember the restaurant name)

I was sure I didn't get all the recipes right 
since no one told me any recipes 
& I hadn't realized that was part of the job
BUT 
I didn't mention that 
because that's just an excuse 
NOT relevant 

we talked about the market niche
the restaurant filled
& she commended me on the choice

& it really seemed like
she wanted me on the team

BUT 
I really don't know what that MEANS 

check in april 12th

I feel somewhat better today 
it's raining 
orban has already conceded
I had weird dreams 
about sort of waitressing 
at three restaurants 
I slept another
like thirteen hours

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

additional thoughts

I'm going to try to sleep now
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope I'm not freaking you out
I read back through 
those two posts
& I'm not sure 
that they make a lot of sense 

I'm not trying to be weird 

I'm trying to let you know 
as best as I can explain 
what's going on 
in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 

Saturday, April 11, 2026

thoughts

OR
MAYBE 
that's projection
& YOU DO ALREADY have faith 
& I'm just WORRYING about you 
to deflect my attention from me

I'm in some way
not cooperating with myself 
& I'm NOT trying to blame that on you


check in april 11th

I slept like fifteen or sixteen hours 
I needed to emotionally process 
& I feel like I do that
BETTER 
SOMETIMES 
while sleeping 

I woke up
with
baby blue
(by badfinger)
in my HEAD 
SO

maybe I've got you worried 
& that is not my intention 

I'm just trying to 
FOCUS on ME 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
rather than worrying 
TRY to have FAITH 
that I CAN
get ahold of what I 
NEED to understand  
to figure my sh*t out

if I'm focused on worrying about you 
that's not fixing my problem 

SO
it's NOT against your interest 

does that make sense