zoned out zone

I guess I didn't tell you about yesterday 

I got up

I made soup

I zoned out pretty hard

I decided 

that I needed

COTTAGE CHEESE too

I took most of my supplements 

I brushed my teeth 

which I usually do 

BEFORE I eat

BECAUSE 

if I do it after

I usually 

VOMIT 

which I did, a little, but felt disoriented

BECAUSE 

it was red and oily

& I didn't recognize it as being anything I ate

(astixantin & DHA/EPA I realize now & I think I misspelled astixantin but I'm not looking it up)

I took a shower 

I'm consciously thinking 

FOCUS

on enjoying each moment 

LIFE

is a series of moments 

I got dressed 

I took an Uber to see my mom

I had mail with me

I had items on a check list to be crossed off

her late tax return was sent back to her

she didn't sign it

I thought I could just have her sign it

mail it back

BUT 

NO --  when I looked more carefully 

it was ALSO missing 

supporting documents for withholding 

she sends this to an accountant 

I'm LIKE 

he keeps a copy, RIGHT 

BUT 

I STILL don't understand 

he's got it listed here on the return 

25b __ 2686 __ from 1099

25d __ 2686 __ extended 

33 __ total withheld 

what would they be withholding from

disbursement, maybe 

would he just put it on the form with no backing documents & is jeffrey jim's son

JIM was the account she mentioned enough in my lifetime that I remember it

he's been retired for a while now 

well, you need to call him

do these notes make sense to you 

I was thinking I'd 

LET YOU 

do that

NO

you know him

you know your situation 

it might be different if you were disabled in some way, but your mouth works, your phone works

& besides I really don't want to be involved in it

there were some other things 

I couldn't get crossed off

which involved it being 

a holiday 

NOTHING is OPEN 

on NYE or NYD

the world 

apparently shuts down

it doesn't, you know 

I never worked anywhere where we didn't work

NYE isn't even a paid federal holiday 

yeah well you never worked anywhere 

that didn't serve drinks or liquor 

NOBODY works HERE on New Year's Day

we'll all just be in our beds

we won't even be 

FED

WHY do you think that 

everybody said see you friday before they left

because they aren't working 

BOTH 

I mean it might be all substitute teachers

BUT 

I mean

NOBODY told you you'd be ALONE, right 

there's no reason for you to think that

I FEEL like 

that's just designed to be 

provoking upset

SO

on that note

I've had as much fun as I can handle 

I'm leaving now 

I left her sitting in the meal room

told everybody happy new year as I walked by them the whole way out

called an Uber

went home

zoned out some more

didn't want to think about her enough to tell you about it 

then I stayed up 

but didn't watch fireworks or anything 

drank ANOTHER bottle of wine 

well

that's both celebration

& depleating inventory, right

emptying out the STUFF 

some precious six bag of wine

you've had sitting around for six - seven years

BUT 

I stayed up till five

& I can't really tell you what I did

here's to twenty twenty six

happy new year sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dreamy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I've been having VERY active DREAMS 

STUFF is going on in there

it's LIKE 

they don't want me to 

KNOW 

soup philosophy

I should 

NEVER have called out

SKINCARE in that WAY 

HUBRIS 

(I'm really a mess now)

BUT 

I ordered more of the Yogi tooth serum --

--  from canada I might add --

----  which is the ONLY thing that makes me brush at night ----

& I WANTED MORE nutritionals

in my SOUP

I WANTED burdock 

& I found a place I could get it 

BUT --  then I remembered 

healthforce nutritionals EARTH 

I used three heaping tablespoons 

& I altered what I put in

SLIGHTLY 

when I just added it

I was TASTING 

CLASH

I left out the white pepper, I left out the toasted sesame seed oil, I upped the harissa and the applewood smoked dulce, I left out the vinegar, I used three heaping tablespoons of EARTH 

it's not just that it ties in to my whoo whoo raw food experiments in super foods 

it's ALSO like the essiac herbs and probiotic roots

I was pretty happy with my adjustments 

it WANTED some 

collard greens

this soup doesn't cook that long

collard greens pre-cooked

FEELS like a 

STRETCH 

there are these adorable RAMEN toppings 

being advertised everywhere 

BUT 

that's pretty processed, RIGHT 

I am both attracted and repulsed by the IDEA 

to be honest I'm super curious about the 

MUSHROOM bundle 

the IDEA of convenient "variety toppings" for soup

BUT 

I keep turning myself 

AWAY

it's medicinal soup

today

I'm not sure how to say

TODAY went 

I was not

extremely stressed

BUT 

I didn't get much done either

I'm irritated that my knee isn't back to normal 

I rested it yesterday 

& took an epsom salt bath

I iced it

TODAY 

I really had to push myself 

I walked over to my mom's 

took in her mail

read through it -- actionable -- important -- info

changed the light configuration 

put out a couple bags of trash

WONDERED

if she's coming back here

specifically did NOT 

START DOING any thing that would LEAD

to RESENTMENT 

walked home

trying to 

BEND more so I'm not walking STIFF 

they've been tearing up a drive through bank across the street from me

it's been closed 

for years

I'm not sure WHY they're tearing it down NOW 

I mean 

are they making them 

clear the eyesore

or do they have a tenant 

they couldn't rent out the bank

they're almost done, but it has been stressful for my cat -- if they start building sh*t -- it is gonna be HARD times for kitties 

he's KINDA clingy MENACING 

he WANTS pets

he purrs

LOUD

before you even pet him

he SEEMS like 

he WANTS 

pets

BUT he BITES 

SO

when he STARTS feeling menacing 

I push him AWAY 

he'll creep back up

when I'm not watching 

and then I move my

FOOT

& he BITES me

& I'm LIKE 

if I'm 

bleeding I MIGHT 

BEAT you

I was not bleeding 

then I zoned out

flipping through YouTube 

starting to watch things

not really watching 

good morning sweetheart (edited)

as I ask this morning 

what did he THINK about THAT 

was it weird 

is THIS 

NOT 

what he's looking for from me

instead of tarot

I thought 

runes

let me ask the digital runes

because MAYBE that gives a bigger picture or something 

the runes

we're a BAD IDEA 

THORN & something else obstacle-y

unwanted, difficult, yucky

I'm LIKE 

I MEAN, can it really be THAT bad

I feel like I've mentioned it before, not a secret, not never mentioned 

BUT 

maybe NOW is a bad time

MAYBE 

it's offensive that I fell asleep while saying it

whatever 

I asked the tarot

& it said 

the LOVERS

& this explains why I ask the tarot

& NOT the runes

I feel like 

the runes always 

are always 

telling me exactly what I don't want to hear

the tarot

OFTEN tells me something 

ambiguous or that I don't understand 

SOMETIMES it tells me what I want to hear

BUT 

I never feel like it is just 

f*CKing with me

MAYBE 

it's just the facade runes that hate me

I just found another one

& it said GEBO

which is LIKE gift

but less specifically gift than

look for the best outcome

win/win

balance harmony

BUT 

it always makes me think about

a manager trainee I had

at starbucks 

I would always talk to the truck drivers who brought the plant order

they didn't work for starbucks 

they worked for the freight company 

BUT 

they were bringing stuff in

I appreciated it

& it seemed

natural to talk to them

there was this one

he was having a hard time with life

so maybe I talked to him a little bit MORE 

& this RMT (retail manager trainee)

(who I liked, btw)

she would always make me

SUPER uncomfortable 

by saying 

EVERY time 

he looks like

he wants to give you "the gift"

which she had to

EXPLAIN to me 

& I begged her to STOP because it made me

SO uncomfortable 

BUT 

I THINK 

she THOUGHT 

I was not being honest about the discomfort 

just the WHOLE concept 

the IDEA of giving someone 

the IDEA that my being friendly was

GENERATING

something I needed to then

WORRY about 

SO

MAYBE 

that taints that runes too

I'm never sure how all that works

personal interpretation 

& history 

I think 

MAYBE 

a tool like that

is ONLY useful if you use it OFTEN 

connect with the divination tool over time

if you just casually pick it up

maybe, with runes, it's got schadenfreude and it's LIKE 

oooo let's f*CK with this b*tch

I was falling asleep as I wrote this

pretend 

my understanding of sex

& physical attraction 

has not become 

ABSTRACTED

that I am

perhaps

a grown woman who KNOWS 

what she WANTS 

or contrariwise 

a virgin

who

doesn't YET know anything 

& really 

WHY bother to pretend

anything before 

isn't me

in some relevant 

WAY

& my DESIRE to 

kiss you

pre-dates me

meaningfully

I'm sure I can imagine 

the feel of your lips

I want to

KISS you