in a time of monsters

I just saw a video

that caught me up

& they were showing a clip from newsmax

saying WAR CRIME

I think it was jimmy kimmel 

showed a clip of h*gs*the in 2016 talking about 

not following 

ILLEGAL ORDERS

& CONSEQUENCES of war crimes 

SO

you KNOW he KNOWS 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

whew

I guess whatever I did yesterday 

WORKED

when I got there

TODAY 

she was sitting up on the bed

& she said she went to the bathroom twice in the night with the walker

I didn't mention it yesterday, but she called her friend marian & got her all worked up 

TEXTING me 

CALLING me

when I'm already on the way

& I'm LIKE 

not responding 

NOT being wound up 

& I KNEW today

she had talked to her trainer 

& wanted her to come by

"to assemble the foot pedal thing"*

which didn't make any sense 

BUT 

then she told me LATER that as her trainer was a surgical nurse she could assess whether she needed to go to the hospital 

& I'm LIKE 

oh no

she's calling in reinforcements

BUT 

when she got there

my mom was in the bathroom 

SO

I got to talk with her

FIRST

WE 

were on the same page 

& she totally backed my agenda 

SO

MORE walking with the WALKER 

I took batteries for her

blood pressure 

thing-y**

it was normal 

after I made her stand up from the bed

five times 

I took her oxygen 

& it was 💯

I've never 

SEEN

her oxygen go over ninety seven

she was petulant and uncooperative 

BUT 

she did okay 

& we talked about mortality 

& the surgery 

& while I'm not naive enough to think 

she's completely engaged with the 

REALITY

of all THAT 

she didn't just check out either

I'm not sure 

but I think I made progress today 

*which she's had for months unused -- the "assembly" turned out to be plugging it in and putting batteries in the remote 

**I was afraid she might have low pressure 

good morning

I've got THAT song in my HEAD 

as I woke up and since 

I'm having a hard time regulating

& I'm KINDA scared

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

shoulda BEEN SLEEP thoughts

she's anemic 

her doctor prescribed her 

IRON

she isn't taking 

she hasn't got a lot of pep at the best of times

BUT 

pulling herself up 

OFF the BED

& standing 

up to two minutes 

her oxygen went down IN the ACTION 

when oxygen is USED 

then immediately 

BACK up

to as high as ninety seven

& her GET UP, I can honestly say

OUT--PERFORMED

BASELINE 

I think the bed's a little 

EASIER height

but I'll take it 

I'm not dissuading her from going to the hospital 

I'm saying 

SHE

has to call nine one one

or something 

because I can't lift her into the car

this either

she has been to the doctor 

a BUNCH 

she doesn't feel good 

she wants them to tweek her meds

she likes the

ATTENTION 

I just kept myself away 

NOW

she's suddenly 

in a health

CRISIS

but she's got the surgeon visit 

if she had to go to the

HOSPITAL 

OR

if she can't

MOVE

she won't make the appointment 

BUT 

it was fate or whatever 

& SHE didn't have 

to CHOOSE 

& I GET

SOMATICS 

BUT 

PRAISE 

was 

MOTIVATING 

I don't know what to call this

I've processed a little more 

I had a little win

I think 

I'm LIKE 

OK

sit up

GOOD!

OK

stand up*

GOOD JOB!!

*hold onto the walker

ugh

I'm having a hard time 

decompressing

TODAY was ROUGH 

TODAY I got

I love you SO MUCH 

I WISH you loved ME

&

I'm sorry

YOU

THINK

I'm argumentative 

& I'm LIKE 

NOT 

you're sorry for being argumentative 

you're sorry 

I THINK you're argumentative 

YES, she says

well you didn't have a personality change 

(whatever else might be wrong)

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I'm so grateful for your light

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I've gotta go to sleep 

I WANT to drive up the coast

I WANT to

I was really hoping 

I could somehow 

BUT 

I can't 

& I don't know if that was obvious

because of the mental

STATE of ME

or if

it seemed like I might pull it off

BUT 

I don't want to 

finesse it all around 

I badly wanted to do the WHOLE thing 

& I'm unhappy about not

& maybe I'm letting you down 

BUT 

I can't 

I can't do the whole thing 

& I don't think 

ANY of it looking LIKELY 

this time 

& ALL the FEELS

I FEEL 

saying that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

other stuff in my HEAD

I've also had some other songs 

popping up at odd moments 

these are the days of miracle and wonder

this is the long distance call

the way the camera

follows us in slo-mo

the way it looks to us all

the way we look to

a distant constellation 

that's dying in the corner of the sky

these are the days of miracle and wonder 

don't cry baby

don't cry

don't cry 

don't cry 

which could be THOSE lyrics 

OR 

something from that TIME 

OR

I don't know 

BUT 

I'm not 

MAD

at it

&

edelweiss 

which could be 

multiple things, but MIGHT be 

from my childhood 

when my mom picked me up for every other thursday visitation 

we ALWAYS 

went to memorial city mall 

in the mall was this 

cuckoo clock place -- I can't remember what it was called -- and they had this music box

it was red --  maybe leather

& it had --  maybe julie andrews -- twirling

to edelweiss 

& I loved it

& went to visit it

every other thursday 

& my mom was working it pretty hard -- maybe 

trying to get me to the point where -- maybe 

I would leave my dad -- maybe 

SO

NOW

when I hear the song 

I keep trying to remember 

WHAT she DID 

when we went to visit it

& it had been 

SOLD

& it was GONE

& I cried and SOBBED

spoiler alert -- SHE had bought it for me for Xmas

I don't think she JUST said 

OH LOOK 

don't cry 

I got it for you

HERE ya go

I don't think she -- in fact I'm almost positive 

she did not -- WAIT to surprise me at XMAS

I think -- but I'm not positive 

she let me CRY 

then grieve

then

probably 

--  got sick of hearing about it 

and TOLD me

BUT 

for some reason 

my brain either thinks the details are important 

OR

it wants me to tell you about 

the music box

OR

the story*

*except I'm not sure of the story, so then it loops back