check in april 27th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

that was legitimately weird

ALSO

I have a rattle/percussion instrument collection 

WHY

do I not know HOW to play percussion 

I am legitimately 

ASKING myself 

as I have

REALIZED 

as THOUGH I didn't KNOW that was a THING 

which I don't find credible 

BUT 

everyone is just looking at me

BLANKLY 

more thoughts

did he just fake

another assignation 

JUST to

push his ballroom

agenda

that's 

REAL life

right now

I find that destabilizing 

I dreamed about my 

mom

we were in a car

she was driving and she had a cat

she wanted to take to show

her friend 

because the cat looked a lot like a cat 

her friend had had

which didn't make a whole lot of sense 

THEN

it transpired 

the cat was stinky or something 

there was some reason*

*it was my fault 

SOMEHOW 

NOW

that we were not ONLY not showing her friend the cat

we were NOW leaving the cat

IN the CAR

& HOW 

was the cat going to

not just get

COOKED

in the

CAR

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

check in april 26th

there's LIKE this one 

where it's got

this DARK sound

BUT 

then it's 

SOMEHOW 

simultaneously 

surf rock

that keeps

LIKE 

calling me

& the WHOLE thing 

was SO satisfyingly blending sounds

like painting them

LIKE 

transparent colors

OVERLAPPING 

to create a different color

I was really enjoying it 

trying to classify

& that's what I've come up with 

& I guess I was concentrating more on the sound 

because that was where I felt most functional 

mother's day thoughts

I have all these things 

I'm thinking about 

it's mother's day 

I guess technically today 

& I'm not really sure 

what I FEEL about the things

I think I'm not that upset

about not having 

kids

I have reason to question 

how good a mother

I might have

managed

to be 

&

besides 

I kinda worked through some of what

were issues when I was a manager

I MEAN 

obviously not the SAME but I think that's 

KINDA

my thing

I get whatever usable 

life experience I have in some

non-standard way

things stand-in

for other things

& MAYBE 

that's 

an adaptation 

or maybe 

it's JUST 

that I process things

DIFFERENTLY 

I'm not confident 

I had the capacity to be a good mother

while attempting to do

ANYTHING else 

I had some experiences 

make me WONDER 

I took my niece

to the ZOO 

& something about the level of attention 

was ALMOST hypnotic

I was not SURE if I took my eyes

OFF her 

for a second 

she was not gonna

JUST 

JUMP

into the alligators 

I think it's entirely possible 

I would not have been

up to the task

& it was never a life goal

I wanted things

BUT

they were related

to my feelings for you, mostly

with occasional ideas for

positively shaping

an upbringing 

which I find

I have opinions about 

I certainly didn't dream about

any kind of suburban wife

situation 

I'm not a regular person 

I'm pretty different 

& whether that's 

a neurodivergent thing 

or a trauma thing

or a creative

CRAZY 

it doesn't really matter what exactly is going on

what matters is what I need to do

to make my brain work

to do the things that

I WANT to DO

AND

I find it hard to believe 

that I can look at my life one way

& it's been an amazing adventure 

AND

I can look at it another way

and it's just nothing

nothing accomplished 

THAT

would be

the way my mother would look at it, I think

I've been thinking about 

when she was in the rehab hospital 

& her legs were swollen 

& they wouldn't increase her meds

I was talking to one of her doctors 

who wasn't the "decider" on the diuretics 

my mom must have been giving me 

the narcissist disgust look

or something 

because this doctor

she LOOKED at 

my mom

& she

SAID 

your daughter is advocating for you really hard 

the LEAST you could do

would be to SMILE 

at her a little 

& my mom said 

SHE ALWAYS WORKS HARD

she kinda made it

SOUND

LIKE 

no CREDIT for THAT 

& I don't really want to talk about 

HOW I FEEL 

so much as to

SAY

different parts of me

FEEL DIFFERENT 

I can notice

different 

PARTS

there's a part

that's like

if she has trouble 

because she

wouldn't believe you when you said you wouldn't 

THAT

is poetic justice 

there is a part that says

it is entirely possible 

that she's blown up her life trying to 

MAKE me DO

thinking she could force my hand

because I wouldn't be able to 

STAND it

with a whole bunch of dominoes dropping 

& the protector part

is LIKE 

I DO NOT CARE 

if they are 

grinding her 

into 

hamburger 

& FEEDING her to WILD DOGS 

we are NOT getting involved 

SO

mother's day 

HITS different 

this year

strangely 

it seems LESS triggering