Wednesday, July 30, 2025

I need to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
goodnight 🫢🫢🫢☄️
πŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯
I wanted to tell you
about my introduction to 
THAI food

I can't remember how old I was

the center
that had the RadioShack 
I don't remember 
what had been
in the building where the Thai place went in

BUT 
it was YEARS before the RadioShack even
THOUGHT about having PROBLEMS 
it was a block OVER
from where I 
WAITED
for the
BUS

I was already
FAMILIAR 
with chinese food
BUT 

WHAT
was THAI food

I believe that location is still a Thai restaurant 
NAME has CHANGED 

I loved the food -- I don't remember what I had
BUT, I remember thinking 
THAT SAUCE 
that sour spicy sweet liquid stuff

that's GOTTA be 
ONE of the BEST things 
EVER invented

I really LIKED some kinda
HOT POT 
that I haven't really 
NOTICED
as an adult

I've been going to Thai buffet for years
because it's cheap and easy
BUT 
they closed down

they had a fried tofu
in that sauce
& an spicy eggplant
& they had sushi
that was ok

green curry
spicy fish

they'd have other stuff

BUT 
I MISS that place

what do you call that sauce 

Tuesday, July 29, 2025

SO
on the ROAD 
I was like
I want to get to a specific place
& I expect it will take me
X amount of time

I feel like 
this is not just naturally 
a strength for me 

BUT 
it worked 
really well for me

I broke things down into manageable chunks

which didn't really 
ALLOW things
to become 
TOO 
OVERWHELMING 

I STARTED a little SHAKY 

BUT 
even in dallas I almost got it right 
I just missed the
EXIT 

& I was too TIRED 
& it was TOO dark

BUT 
I'm not sure 
HOW 
to
DEAL
with my mom

we were talking about 
before we ran out of TIME 

there's something 

BETWEEN 
a BOUNDARY 

& what I'm talking about 


I've ALSO 
WATCHED t*ump
SAY
some STRANGE word choices 

I THINK 
there's some 
STUFF COLLIDING in his brain

I have 
THEORIES 

BUT 
I think he came off
CREEPY 


SO
I guess I didn't SAY
NORMALLY 
we spend
TIME 
with him telling me about his stuff 
BUT 
TODAY 
I'm LIKE 
I CARE but I REALLY need to
LAUNCH 
into this

& with the security guard 
I had a headache 
I didn't SIT in
the bathroom, transitioning 
I just SAID 
I have a headache 
I have to GO

& he TOLD me 
it's the 
WEATHER 

which it probably is 

he said he's playing tennis from seven thirty to nine and it's still TOO HOT 

then I was LIKE 
OK
do I want to walk over there and get sushi
NO
the headache is becoming 
LIGHT SENSITIVE 

SO
I came home and sat in the blue light
AND
I got an overwhelming desire for 
SAAG PANEER 

& I remembered this place I ordered it from
some time back in the pandemic 


they made me choose a bread
all of them has a price
that seemed
WRONG 
BUT 
not really that big of a deal
then they didn't SEND it

I didn't NEED bread
I got the
SPECIAL basmati rice 
SMALL*
*because the small is enormous 

AND
BREAD 
with THAT is 
OVERKILL 

although, I kinda LIKE bread


I haven't watched it all yet
BUT 
charlotte and I 
used to hear him
on dr demento
on the regular 
&
I particularly liked 
his summer camp one
PROBABLY 
because I ALWAYS wanted to go to 
SUMMER CAMP 
& it was never
an option 

I wanted to go
FIND my TWIN a la 
PARENT TRAP

boarding school also sounded fun to me
TROUBLE with ANGELS 

OH
MAYBE that wasn't him
I ALWAYS thought it was, hmmmmm
I was trying to explain 
to my therapist 

you KNOW how everybody 
KNOWS what 
THEY want 
all the time
& they DON'T know what everybody else wants 
& if they DID 
they wouldn't be TOO concerned about it 

WELL 
it's like 
INTERFERENCE for me
LIKE 
on the ROAD I had all this clear
PSYCHIC STUFF 
& I'm LIKE 
WHY
is this SO CLEAR

NO interference 

I NEED a WAY
to BLOCK 
ALL the interference 

CONE of SILENCE 
SO
I can FOCUS on my
HIGH FREQUENCY VIBRATION 

therapist 
AGREES
BUT 
couldn't give me any steps
because we were 
OUT of TIME 

BUT 
HE NEVER DOES

BUT 
I'm headed in the
RIGHT direction 
MAYBE 
fitzcaraldo is not the best name for it
BENDING the world to 
MY WILL

ONLY seeing 
my OWN point of view 

I'll explain later 
I DREAMED about 
LIKE 
a fitzcaraldo body

I can't explain right now 
BUT 
I have 
ANOTHER SHADOW 

the one who relentlessly 
PUSHES
for
EVERYTHING 
to BEND
to his WILL 
BUT 

I keep him
LOCKED up 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫢🫢🫢
I'm gonna try to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart πŸ’‹ 
πŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ«ΆπŸ‘ΎπŸ«šπŸ€πŸ”₯🫢🫢🫢
goodnight ☄️

Monday, July 28, 2025

SO
I'm avoiding my brother 
because I don't want 
to explain my WHOLE LIFE to him

I FEEL like 
he doesn't KNOW me 
& THAT doesn't 
SO much 
HURT

as JUST within the 
CONTEXT of
ALREADY 
BUSY

FIGURING out 
HOW my operating system WORKS 
BUT 

I FEEL like 
my mom is a problem for me
I NEED her
to NOT affect me

I WANT to get AWAY from her
BUT 
there are all these reasons why THAT is problematical
& BESIDES 

I'm trying to FIX myself 

& if she still bothers me 
MAYBE I'm NOT fixed

BUT 

I FEEL like 
MAINTAINING is IMPORTANT 
SO
I'm tempted to say
ROUTINE 

BUT 
that doesn't really work 
what WORKS is
FOCUS on 

SOMETHING 

BUT 
then only that gets done
& THAT doesn't 
WORK

& SO
WHAT do I NEED

to DO

it's a LOT easier to ask the universe for
a place to LUNCH 
than to figure out what to ask 
on any RANDOM day

BUT 
I MIGHT just have to
EXPERIMENT 

SMALLER CHUNKS 
WORKS BETTER 

I FEEL like I have MADE 
SO much progress 
& I want to
MAINTAIN that progress

THAT is 
I THINK 
what I WANT to TRY to EXPLAIN 

I'm sorry this is probably not too interesting 
I just want to make the MOST 
of the therapy 


I wasn't crying 

I don't know 
I FEEL 
brain-foggy and my joints hurt

I'm happy I have therapy tomorrow 
BECAUSE 
I'm 
THINKING 
SO
THEN

HOW 
do I explain that
what's going on with me
SO
I been thinking about that TOO 

BUT 
THAT'S not the right
FREQUENCY 

SO
I've been just been 
SCATTERED 
SO
there's a NEW planet


OOPS 

I don't feel super functional 
& I'm making mistakes 

my stomach hurts 
I DID get the cat to the vet though
I DREAMED 
I MEAN 
SOME
kind of festival 

I was tasting
SAUCES 
I was ordering produce

there was a BIG 
STREET festival type THING 

I don't know what it was about 
TOMATO sauce