cinabon & forest fires

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I forgot to tell you 

I had king of the world in my HEAD 

this morning 

thoughts

I had this song stuck in my HEAD 

& I'm LIKE 

WAIT 

where is that FROM because 

it doesn't make

SENSE

it was FROM, I remembered

KISS me KATE

WHY

that song then

my favorite song from that

MOVIE, at least, I've never seen the play

is I'm always true to you darling in my fashion 

WELL 

that is a VERY different VIBE

that would probably 

send you down a WRONG pathway interpretation 

MAYBE 

he's thinking about 

KISSING you 

today

I went to see my mom today

& I feel like I did pretty well

I notice

I'm still LIKE reading what I think she WANTS 

at least on some level

because I'm walking out to my car

& I'm saying to myself 

I'm sorry you WANT 

me to act like

you are my sweet dear old mother

for that to happen 

you need to have been SWEET and DEAR

whatever 

I didn't react

I decided 

I don't like the rouille d'ancre in that pen either 

& I was LIKE 

why don't you 

TRY

the ink it came with 

& I'm LIKE 

BUT 

it's all SHIMMER -Y 

& it's gunk up the pen

it is the ink it CAME with 

SO

I tried it

&

it's beautiful 

it's a little MUCH but it's beautiful 

SO

I don't know what I think about it 

goodnight

I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I keep seeing these things

this is denmark or sweden 

can we oust t*ump & melanoma

& take over your country

& I'm finding 

myself thinking 

yeah

that probably wouldn't be a bad idea

SURREAL times

rambling TALK-Y talk

I may not go see her today 

I have been up a while 

I showered

I ate

I'm caffeinating

I hand washed a pair of underwear and bra

I am planning at least one load of laundry 

I rented a car

I bought a ticket 

I haven't yet rented a hotel, but that maybe isn't even really necessary 

I can't do a longer trip 

I both feel like I need to be here for the transfer 

& can't really deal with all the moving parts

BUT 

I am doing the obvious birthday thing

I don't know where I am

in the journey from

nutso to sanely balanced

& I don't know how good I look in my range

I'm not necessarily in any kind of balanced state

I imagine 

if I'm being viewed objectively 

I'm not the top choice for anything right now 

I'm a work in progress 

I'm an image in motion 

& if I don't LOOK 

GOOD 

I'm certainly not holding that against anyone else 

I'm trying to figure out

too many things at once

under somewhat stressful circumstances 

& there is a certain quality of 

two steps forward 

one step back

OR

whatever

I'm not apologizing for that 

BUT 

I GET how it isn't 

IDEAL

PLUS 

I can see now

that I hated the shrunked droop of my lower face

after I lost all the weight 

SO

adding weight back

LOOKED like

youthening

subconsciously

I also maybe see

how when I was younger 

I had all these sort of

TOXIC structures 

that my conception of romantic relationships was built upon

I don't know how to 

NOT have BEEN that WAY 

& it is possible that 

remnants are

remaining 

below the level of my awareness

POSSIBLY 

I'm in some liminal shadow-y place

where I am

BOTH

too literal & too abstract

I am not connected to the world as an empath, not really, not anymore 

BUT 

I haven't found the NEW way I'm supposed to be 

CONNECTED YET 

& I feel like 

that likely means 

I'm not through the empress/death portal yet

I don't know my place

& I MEAN 

I feel like from a neurotypical standpoint 

I never have seen the place I'm 

SUPPOSED to occupy 

I keep feeling like 

I'm supposed to do some 

earthshattering reboot

on the grievance 

& hate & whatnot, but HOW exactly 

& then I'm LIKE 

MAYBE 

you're making it a bigger thing than it is

MAYBE 

that australian chick has a point about you

POLLYANNA 

OR

MAYBE 

you are just puffed up

with making yourself more important than you are

BUT 

I don't really want people looking at me

I don't really want to be the center of attention 

there was a period of my life

when I wanted to be on the talk show circuit

I think I was watching too much

dick cavett

& johnny carson

I figure 

I just move forward into the next open space of comfort for myself in the world 

try to heal my nervous system 

let my depleted levels

RISE

& I'll achieve

some sort of balance 

& I figure 

the path will be revealed 

& there's no reason to think

I'm single-handedly

DRAMATICALLY 

saving the world 

the message was always 

you got this

you'll know it when ya see it

& the pressure to

FIGURE it ALL OUT 

SEEMS 

kinda unfair 

I'm not trying to put that pressure on you either 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I hope you are having a beautiful day 

thoughts

I changed the ink

that gray was just too much

I thought I'd try the

j. herbin rouille d'ancre

which is too light for my fine pens

I love the color & shading

BUT 

it's still 

VERY 

light

the gray cleaned out really nicely 

I don't know WHY 

this stuff is 

SO

calming to me

I need to go to sleep 

I wish I could 

be a little more fun

I am having a little trouble 

NOT 

thinking about minneapolis 

BUT 

I haven't been watching much media about it 

I'm not sure I'm hitting the right balance 

BUT 

I'm not freaking out 

SO

I'll take that as a win, at least

I got stuff I need to do tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I hope I can explain 

some of the new stuff 

I feel like I'm working it out

BUT 

I'm still getting the sense

that there's a lot more to everything 

than I'm seeing