more thoughts

alright I ate

STRESS ATE really 

I ordered a cheeseburger 

I had oatcakes and bone broth 

SO

I'm pretty light for the rest of the day

it was a good exercise 

because it made me realize 

I would have preferred 

to have

SOUP

I am loving the TOFU which is KINDA 

an experiment 

in phyto-estrogens

& plant protein 

it was supposed to have MISO TOO but it got 

TOO SALTY 

BUT 

in a TWIST 

the nutritional yeast 

has glutamine 

or glutamic acid

which is BIG UMAMI

& helps joint pain 

UNLESS 

I'm confused 

I'm too tired to cross check right now

AGAIN 

I'm not sure how coherent this is

BUT 

I'm finally getting to bed

I thought I'd say 

goodnight 

sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

this has been a hard few weeks 

NOT how I WANTED to be

spending them

this high def hard reality me

is hard to integrate

SHE wants to take over

BUT 

she's like my ironman suit

ALSO

I'm about to be fifty nine

BUT 

I don't FEEL 

ADULT 

& I can't quite explain that

semi hysterical ranting

OK

she's at the skilled nursing facility 

I am not certain

what the f*CK is going on

was she faking

she doesn't SEEM 

at all concerned

I ASKED her

if she was

FAKING

& she SAID 

all sarcastic voiced

YES I'm totally faking it 

SO

I MEAN 

MAYBE she is

& she can't say no

I was going to wait with her at the hospital until they came to pick her up and take her

THEN

I thought 

I'll just go with in the ambulance and get her settled and take an uber from there

BUT 

the step on the ambulance was too high to manage with my janky knees

SO

I ended up

NOT going with

& calling an uber 

BUT 

I was in some weird place

the uber just put the hospital & the driver couldn't find me & nobody knew what the street was

& I got semi-hysterical

& started crying a little bit 

& I'm TOAST

I'm not even sure I'm coherent

I'm gonna eat & go to sleep 

I have to go see c*nty tomorrow 

BUT 

then maybe I can have a break 

it's not like they are gonna let me watch her

WORK OUT 

& I don't want to VISIT the ratchet skibbity c*nt

early morning thoughts

I slept in til five

I don't really need to see the cardiologist 

& she might be released today 

to the skilled nursing facility 

SO

I might need to be there longer, maybe 

idk

I'm about at the end of my

ability to bounce back

I hope I don't have to stay longer

I maybe didn't respond to 

something I should have responded to 

& I'm maybe just afraid 

if I get too excited 

I might jinx it

somehow

OR

maybe I just didn't have the bandwidth 

I'm honestly not sure now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

going to bed really early

I am pretty 

WIPED

OUT 

I am going to try to sleep 

& BACK at it

TOMORROW 

doctors

don't make much sense 

& I feel like I gotta be there

BUT 

it's taking a lot out of me

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

piano at the hospital

LIVE piano music 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 

I hope you are having magical beautiful times

I'm going to go early again 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

🫶

I hate hospitals

on the uber

on the way to the hospital this morning 

we passed by

where I think my pediatrician was

when I was small

she was the wife

of someone my gran gran knew

from piano circles

I weighed myself yesterday 

I've gained back 

a LOT of the 

WEIGHT 

which I don't understand 

because I'm wearing the same clothes

well pants

dr lorenzen

my pediatrician 

I'm remembering the time

I was like none or ten or something 

she talked to me

ALONE

& told me

that GOD had seen fit to have me 

BORN with 

all my fingers & toes

& I OWED it

to GOD

to lose

the extra weight 

& I think about THAT 

whenever I think about being 

FAT

& I WONDER 

did she f*CKing think I was

FEEDING MYSELF 

why not

MENTION it to the f*CKers who were

DECIDING what I got to EAT

& HOW 

MUCH 

the cardiologist came by

said the surgeon wasn't coming 

because the nurse practitioner had already been by & she was TOO weak to be a good candidate for surgery 

then the surgeon 

DID come by

SAID 

her heart was STRONG 

& she didn't NEED surgery 

I'm LIKE 

she not a good candidate 

he's like 

she doesn't NEED surgery 

NEITHER of them

thought her heart was what brought her in 

the attending

is talking about releasing her to

a skilled nursing facility 

& I'm LIKE 

we don't know what is WRONG with her yet

I'm exhausted 

& frustrated 

& would like proof that she can't walk