test - ok since it'll let me post - check in may 20th

I really don't know why this thing

posts sometimes 

& doesn't post

other times 

I really do think

it's the universe trying to get me to

do or not do things

BUT 

it's erratic and 

STRANGE

I had

what felt like 

QUANTUM entanglement 

pretty strongly 

I'm using my thumb nails to play

because thumbs aren't loud enough 

& hurt

but it's slower & not as accurate 

SO

if I'm going to improve 

I'm wondering if 

duct tape

might work 

anyway

I like some it

BUT 

I guess the limited palate of notes

does give a more limited

range of notes

I was just surprised because they

SOUNDED more different 

when I was recording them

I love the wa wa sound

the buzz is sometimes great

& sometimes a little much

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I might be getting a handle on the sleep cycle

I'm not sure if that's the thing to do

or not

the PROCESSING 

or has been 

better

BUT 

maybe it isn't now

I was feeling like I was making good progress 

but I had this last little bit 

hasn't felt like progress

it doesn't feel like 

I know what's going on 

which is a little scary 

I might be able to play this, must build sustainable thumb calluses

my thumbs already hurt

LOOK 

I love you

& if you decide 

I'm too difficult I'm not gonna blame you

BUT 

I don't want to assume that your 

LOVE

is going to go away 

THAT'S 

a thing I have trouble with from my 

family of origin

I think you are

MAGIC 

if I don't tell you the right way

at the right time 

I still think

you're 

MAGIC 

update

the package got here really quick 

it shipped friday 

it's already 

here

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

it's more difficult than it looked

will you post this

I suddenly have to tell you

I ordered the kalimba

on some level

to play with you 

or for you

& I'm not saying 

NO to anything 

let's see if it lets me post this

I can tell something is going on

I'm not sure what 

I'm definitely having emotions 

that I don't know where they're coming from 

SO

I'm trying to find my brain 

I'm trying to do it quickly 

this tension 

throws me off

I want to be 

NOT

some weird way I've been before 

I want to be

OPEN 

to whatever goodness is possible 

NOT

limited by my past pattern

YOU 

are the only thing that has ever made me want to

LIVE

THAT sounds slightly psychotic 

we've talked about it before 

but I guess what I want to underscore here is

YOU gave me HOPE 

for LIFE 

I want to know you as well as I can

I don't want to hurt you or trap you in any way 

I feel like there's something 

I'm not doing or saying 

BUT 

I don't know if that's because I'm picking it up 

OR

if I'm having some fall back paranoia 

check in may 18th

TODAY 

it's letting me post 

what's up with that

I'm sad

& I keep hearing 

the sound clip of the buzzy kalimba

SO

what does that mean

I can't imagine that anything I said 

about myself was offensive 

& honestly I'm at a point where 

MAYBE 

I should be less concerned about being offensive 

BUT 

I don't understand why I'm sad

are you quitting me

I'm so weird

I'm guessing I'm right

BECAUSE 

I'm hearing 

under african skies

in my HEAD 

more thoughts

I had trouble posting 

& I decided 

THAT

was the universe telling me 

I needed to write 

on substack

& I was

going to

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

& I started this thing

that I THOUGHT I liked

BUT 

then I got up

& I read a thing

& I went back to sleep 

& had some DREAMS 

& the dreams 

didn't make sense 

I don't know how much that influenced 

check in may 16th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

bespoke dances not social constructs

I found a video 

which 

finally explained for me

what I've been trying to explain 

for years

it really helped me 

ALSO

bespoke dances

tall in the saddle

after the dream of falling & calling your name out

these are the roots of rhythm 

& roots of rhythm remain 

the personal vibration 

the wave

of the person

is important to me 

I interact with that