gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I still think

the madras is symbolic of something 

I don't think I'd ever wear anything 

THAT loud

on PANTS

JACKET 

MAYBE 

my thoughts on recent dreams

I was questioning 

how I don't seem to be friends with women much

I don't feel comfortable around them

& MAYBE 

that's just women my age & older

BUT 

it's a thing that is a ME thing

SOMETIMES 

I think it's because of deborah & my mom

SOMETIMES 

I think it's got to do with the non-binary thing 

BUT 

I was thinking about it 

calling myself into 

QUESTION 

then also 

when I did my nam myoho renge kyo 

I set the intention to 

SEE MORE CLEARLY 

WHAT I WANT 

because I feel like I am still trying to get at THAT 

& I had dreams 

BUT 

I wasn't sure 

HOW 

to interpret them

I was having a picnic

with a woman who I was trying to be friends with 

I was TALKING to her

THROUGH the WINDOW 

of a car

turned upside down 

neither of us 

we're IN the CAR

we were on opposite sides of the car

I was handing her things through the window 

she was on the opposite side of the car

I was mixing her

an iced tea

in test tubes

I was trying to decide 

HOW MUCH SUGAR

to put in her tea

when I woke up

I thought maybe this was telling me 

I really want 

female friendships

& I need to do the

EXTRA WORK 

to make this happen 

BUT 

thinking about it all day 

I don't think that's what it is telling me 

I think it was MORE like trying to represent to me

WHAT it's LIKE

THEN

there was another part of the dream

or maybe an entirely different 

DREAM 

I moved around through the WORLD 

& I found these

PANTS

they were 

MADRAS PLAID --- shades of PINK

thicker material cut like those

pants I think look good on me

stretchy comfortable 

BUT 

they also had like a baby pink piping

I was pretty happy with them

and I was sitting in a comfortable chair 

on a nice patio

with plants

& some young person I KNEW in the DREAM 

--- I think they were male but I'm not entirely sure 

came by and said 

you look COOL in those pants

can I take your picture 

& THEN

ALL of a SUDDEN 

I'm comfortable with having my picture taken

& everything is EASY & FUN 

& I'm looking UP 

what does it mean when you DREAM of 

MADRAS PLAID PANTS

I don't think the type of fabric is the point

I'm not sure that I've CAUGHT 

ALL the nuance

BUT 

SOMETHING like 

be yourself 

DON'T WORRY about TRYING 

those that LIKE you

will self select

check in march 24th

I had some dreams 

I'm still thinking about 

what they mean

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sprouts on goat cheese on rice cakes

HARVEST

i slept at least another eight hours

I had some long long dreams 

I was sleeping in the dirt

HAPPILY

I THOUGHT 

in the front yard

of a building I used to live in

THEN

some guy

came over and took a spot too close to me

couldn't SEE him -- couldn't assess him

didn't FEEL SAFE anymore

got up & walked to the door keys in hand

looking behind me

somewhat scared

DOOR didn't LOOK right 

I wasn't where I thought I was

I went to find someplace

SAFE

I ended up in an old diner

not like fancy FIXED UP

just old but funky

& I found myself in an odd corner

I need to get SOMEWHERE 

I think I was thinking of another place I had lived

a BUS came by

OH I thought 

I didn't know a bus came by here

I wonder HOW LONG until the next one

BUT 

in the way SOMETIMES if you are playing 

say city skylines 2, using anarchy because the

actual game works KINDA sh*TTYL and you want stuff to line up and fit

the bus phased right into the building 

& as it came by

I could just STEP ONTO the INSIDE of the BUS

I went through these beautiful 

LUSH areas that SEEMED 

TOO THICK with foilage to even pass through 

BUT 

I don't remember getting off the bus

I was in this WILD MCM media room

I was in an enormous leather chair

& there were TWO television sets

one on top of the other

LIKE 

thouse double ovens you sometimes saw

in fancy kitchens on cooking shows

& me and SOMEONE else 

we're going OVER and ANALYZING 

SOMETHING 

I can't quite remember 

HISTORICAL 

CULTURAL 

something 

THEN

I was talking to a couple of people 

I knew in the dream 

in some kind of 

GROUP 

but it also seemed like a game

& I kept trying to get information from them

& they were only answering me in these

VAGUE non-informational

SHORT answers 

& I'm LIKE 

WTF

are you not looking anything up 

NO, they said

we have to leave the stream for that

I'm LIKE 

YEAH I KNOW 

I'm leaving the stream every few minutes 

& it's a pain to get back in the flow

NOT JUST THAT

you don't GAIN COINS if you LEAVE the STREAM

I don't even know what you're talking about 

I SAY 

WHAT do COINS 

DO for you

that makes them

IMPORTANT ENOUGH 

to be worth

doing a crappy job at what we are

SUPPOSED to be DOING 

AND THEN

I'm in a house 

& I have something set up

in the idk

EXHAUST SYSTEM 

MAYBE 

it's hooked up to the

STOVE

for SURE 

BUT 

I THINK 

it runs through the HVAC as well

& SUDDENLY I look in this cabinet

& there is this LIKE 

WALL

of what looks like broken bits of

SALTINE CRACKERS 

being sucked up from SOMEWHERE 

I keep WANTING to take a picture of it 

because it is going UP

in a WAY 

that SEEMS 

CONTRARY to GRAVITY 

& there is SO MUCH of it

LIKE 

HOW could the SYSTEM 

EVEN FUNCTION

with all this 

CRAP

gumming up the 

WORKS

& then I woke up

with kd lang singing three days in my HEAD 

I stayed in bed a long time 

THINKING about the DREAMS 

& I may have even gone back in

BUT 

I FEEL like 

I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT 

I don't KNOW if it is ME

or the system 

or BOTH 

& my head does 

HURT

but I feel 

BETTER about EVERYTHING somehow 

it's a LOT of SLEEP though 

very small circle

OH

I forgot to SAY 

they had people zooming in 

for the meditation 

& there was this one woman

& she just seemed like

the most serene 

vibrantly beautiful woman ever

& it turns out

she's sort of

famous, I guess, although maybe not

SO MUCH -- currently 

she's a health & wellness guru

ani p from socal

it said

BUT 

I was just now thinking about it 

& looked her up

ani phyo 

I think is her name

she used to be a raw foodist

back when that was a thing

small world, huh

goodnight/good morning

I slept 

I woke up

I think I'll try to sleep 

a little bit more 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm trying to keep my vibration 

high so I help with the 

LIGHT timeline 

without crossing over

into some kind of 

TOXIC 

positivity