thoughts

SOME of the long part

I read this article & I didn't vet it so maybe it's 

not true 

BUT 

CONCEPTUALLY 

there was a woman in an insane asylum 

she thought she was the virgin MARY

& then

ANOTHER woman she MET

in the asylum 

was

ALSO 

the virgin MARY 

& AFTER 

they MET each other 

over TIME 

ONE of them

DECIDED 

that there couldn't be TWO virgin MARYs

SHE

made a full recovery 

& LEFT

SO

they found three GUYS 

who thought 

they were

JESUS 

& they invented a new system to

EXPLAIN 

HOW 

there could be THREE jesuses 

jason's subject matter 

CROSSES OVER 

mine

somewhat

I'm probably a girl ENOUGH 

I MIGHT decide 

there 

can be but 

ONE

& LOSE mojo

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I have a WHOLE 

OTHER 

thing

I want to talk about 

BUT 

I need to sleep 

I've been picking my face 

pretty bad

it might hurt tomorrow 

& I was trying to 

figure out 

WHY

BUT 

then I remembered 

jason posted

an interview someone did on him for his book

& that brought him right back up

I didn't see HOW it was 

ALL connected 

BUT 

I have FEELS

the TLDR since I don't want to bring it up & then say toodles

TRAUMA CLIFFHANGER 

I have his book

I could 

READ it

BUT 

when he gave it to me I was getting a hmmmm

MAYBE NOT 

because I'm afraid it might be like

the king in yellow 

or whatever 

the book

that you read and go MAD

thanksgiving is on my dad's birthday this year

I was just in the kitchen

& I got a box

I didn't put the raisins away 

I think I thought I might want 

CURRY TUNA*

for dinner 

I LIKE 

raisins 

THEN 

I remembered deborah's lunches

did she REALLY pack the

SAME LUNCH

every day

I don't remember anything else 

FISH STICKS 

with mayonnaise 

on ROMAN MEAL bread

& a box 

of RAISINS

I understand 

NOW 

that the mayo

was some kind of stand-in for tarter sauce

but having NEVER SEEN tarter sauce

I ONLY understood 

I didn't like it

could I 

PRETTY PLEASE 

have ketchup 

LIKE when

we eat fish sticks at home

BUT 

it never changed 

could I

PRETTY PLEASE 

just have

DRY BREAD 

without condiment 

BUT 

it never changed 

sometimes I would wipe it off

sometimes I just 

wouldn't 

eat it

I got 

SO 

sick of RAISINS 

sometimes they'd give me lunch money

that was BETTER even if I didn't like what they were serving specifically 

I went to second, third, and fourth grade

at the SAME school

& there was

a MONDRIAN print

THAT print

that MADE my LUNCH 

I LOVED it

I'm not sure EXACTLY which one it was

*when I like twelve-ish my school friends & I walked down to this little something called the brasserie or something like that & I got a tuna sandwich and it was curried tuna salad with raisins, and I started making it for myself that way and have never stopped 

sorry I wasn't very talk-y

I slept til like five thirty or six

when I woke up 

I was thinking 

QUEEN 

of DREAMS 

I'm not sure 

HOW to 

describe the day

I think 

some part of me

is trying to 

prove to the other part of me

that I CARE enough 

to let me 

REST

I NEED to 

CONSOLIDATE 

MYSELF in some way I don't really understand 

& while I'm standing over myself 

saying come on is it SOUP yet

isn't cutting it

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

there's something else I want to say about how important you are to me

& it's KINDA 

esoteric 

& I've been trying to put it into WORDS 

BUT 

I haven't found the

WORDS

I keep coming back to 

you are MAGIC 

I don't want you to think I'm just saying some vaguely complimentary platitude

I 

mean 

you 

are 

MAGIC 

another weird day

it's been a weird day 

I took a nap

BUT 

something happened 

I FEEL different 

I texted my mom

I asked her how she was doing 

I told her

I was gonna suggest that we go to lunch

& she could catch me up on all her medical

BUT 

I hurt my knee

& I don't think I can get around 

well enough for that

& I had a headache 

SO

I didn't want to talk on the phone

SO

I was just checking in on her SITUATION 

she said she was doing okay 

she just missed me

my therapist texted me to confirm tomorrow 

& then again, because I was asleep 

& didn't text back

my knee is messed up 

it's on the mend

BUT 

how about we make it next week 

I don't really think she misses me

& honestly 

I think I'm making good progress without 

my therapist 

BUT 

I feel like 

some kind of threshold 

I can't explain 

it doesn't make sense 

& remembering hearing cabaret for the first time

NOT Liza Minnelli 

I was pretty little 

BUT 

I remember my connection to her

FEELING for

ELSIE 

although I didn't understand that she seems to have been a prostitute 

I understood that she was

not appreciated 

by a lot of people 

but she lived life

somehow that was true to her

& life is short

this was probably after my friend 

(an older woman who lived like two doors down that I went to visit pretty frequently)

had died

SO

maybe the concept was pretty new

I can still remember 

I went to her house and knocked on the door

& what I can ONLY assume was her daughter 

answered the door 

I asked if I could see her

& she just looked

HORRIFIED

& kinda sick -- like I guess she was afraid she was gonna have to explain death to me

BUT 

she just said 

NO

she's not here

she's 

GONE

I guess I was three-ish into four

I don't know 

it's been a weird day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I guess I'm going to go back to sleep 

I hope I get some

dream answers 

last night's dreams 

raised more questions than they answered