working through body issues

I've been working through some

BODY STUFF 

I've noticed something 

there are several

YouTubers

who have lost a significant amount of weight 

& I'm LIKE 

I liked the way they looked BETTER before 

and then

I was watching 

PEACEMAKER 

and there's an actress

DANIELLE BROOKS 

(she was in orange is the new black & I may not have seen her in anything else, but I think she is a really good actress)

I was watching her

& I was like

SHE looks good 

I like her mass

BETTER 

than

the "normal-sized" girl

THEN 

I was LIKE 

what size is SHE -- compared with ME 

I looked her up

she's the same height as me

which surprised me 

she wears (supposedly) the same dress size 

her proportions are different 

BUT 

she's 

ESSENTIALLY 

similar BODY 

SO

MAYBE 

I should be 

OKAY 

with

ME

SO

I'm trying a NEW tack

MAYBE 

worry about HEALTH 

not SIZE

MAYBE 

I WANT to TAKE UP a certain amount of 
SPACE -- maybe SIZE is FINE 

I'm not sure if that's 

WORKING 

I guess 

we'll

SEE

I NEED to get on board 

with BODY stuff

I need to

BE in my BODY -- not my HEAD 

MORE 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

I forgot I was the soup magician

breakfast soup

I haven't quite perfected

all my ingredients are 

TASTY

BUT 

I didn't get it strong enough 

BUT 

dinner soup

was bomb

i don't think it looks as good as it tastes

I roasted an onion

with some of the green goo that I used on the fake saag

then I used turkey bone broth

put the onion in it

& added some 

applewood smoked dulse

I think I also added some MCT c-8

& some garlic

I just made some rice

which I ate some of now

BUT 

I made it to have with breakfast 

I made this combination rice

brown, red, black

cooked with

coconut milk & ghee

which made it come out a little fried rice-y

which wasn't really what I was going for

BUT 

I used it as a challenge 

I mixed in some peanut butter powder 

some nutritional yeast 

&

on impulse 

ACAI powder

it's good

we'll see how it is

COLD

solidarity

I bought a BLUSH BRUSH 

from a japanese 

website

I was

VERY 

excited about it

& I got an email 

I am SORRY I WANT you to UNDERSTAND 

normally 

I ALWAYS send EXTRA little things 

GIFTS

but with the tariffs 

most of these things are made in countries with

MUCH 

higher tariffs 

I cannot send them

we will EACH have to bear 

THIS 

but perhaps we can bear it 

TOGETHER 

I wasn't expecting any extra stuff with 

BRUSHES

it is fairly standard practice

with skincare 

BUT 

I feel like it was

LIKE 

the small business canadian companies 

I WANT you to KNOW 

the TOGETHER 

PART

& it's making me tear up

just thinking about it 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

in the who did it better dept

YOU 

& damn

your painting 

TEXTURE 

COLOR 

the overall 

FEEL 

YES

I'm serious about the seaweed

I made a sort of 

SAAG paneer type thing

BUT 

with TOFU and SEAWEED 

waking up

I HAD set the ALARM on my PHONE for nine thirty

then ten

then ten thirty

the eleven

then just hitting snooze every five minutes 

until I just gave up

I had the sensation of 

FLOATING 

more like on gently lapping waves

than any type of flying situation 

with the weighted blanket 

anchoring me 

to something comfortable and non-threatening

since I was a CHILD I have had trouble 

COMING BACK 

from wherever I GO 

when I SLEEP