I was telling my therapist 

ABOUT 

how triggering I find t*ump

& HOW I feel like 

THAT was a big part of my sort of

LOCKDOWN crazy

for me

the SENSE that the world had GONE MAD

& I was GONNA DIE

BUT 

NOW I'm getting 

SOME sort of mashup of 

if I only had a heart & if you are among the very young at heart

walking back from therapy 

I mean

so I'm not sure what that means 

I cried some in therapy 

about how

I never thought of myself as someone who

(like a lot of women do)

just sees to everyone else's needs first

& I didn't realize 

I had this other thing going on 

BUT 

the difficulty I had

leaving that job

which should have been 

pretty low stakes

points out to me

CLEARLY 

that I have a problem with just saying 

it's okay to be focused on 

what is best for me

EVERYTHING 

doesn't have to be some HARMONIZING 

greatest overall happiness 

I can prioritize me

because 

even if I WANT to be all harmonization Hannah

can't give water from a dry well

I guess miriam has the moving well

so perhaps that whole metaphor is 

not the strongest 

BUT 

MAYBE I feel guilty

for not being RIPE yet

MAYBE I understand that that could go bad

you might run out of patience 

& I'm having all these FEELINGS 

about what the f*CK am I doing with myself 

I'm LIKE 

starting over AGAIN 

with the information I had already gleaned

& having to find my place

in a world

that has changed so much

over the course of my life 

it's LIKE 

a double whammy, somehow

BUT 

it's just what everyone has to do

EVENTUALLY 

that's what growing looks like, I guess

AND

a lot of people don't grow 

& MAYBE 

I'm not a natural with this stuff

BUT I have a steep learning curve

I'm all LIKE

it's been a whole year

I should be fixed

BUT 

I'm trying not to do that to myself 

& he thought the idea

that I should be fixed by the one year mark

he thought it was funny

ABSOLUTELY!

I'm glad I approached things

from an

it is only with the heart

one can see rightly 

because I've had

all sorts of

THOUGHTS

that if I hadn't done that

I would be 

FREAKING out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

and I'm getting all this

sort of surging

ENERGY 

that I usually associate with 

YOU 

SO

I'm assuming that means 

you are thinking about me 

the cards are so good

BUT

there's still a tower in there

BUT 

with beginning cycle 

ENERGY 

SO

MAYBE 

that's telling me 

WATCH that FOUNDATION 

also this particular tower

SEEMS more like

ENLIGHTENMENT 

TWIN 

for me is a multi-phasic term

it's LIKE 

a completer ENERGY 

I've told you about it 

it includes love twin flame type energy

BUT ALSO 

secret language stuff

& understanding

BELONGING

in a kind of core way

more later

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶👾🫚

if I looked you in the eye

and said

you KNOW I love you, right

would that have been

the right thing

to do

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

RED tornado

I been thinking about that 

and I been been thinking about that 

and sometimes 

I identify 

with it

the RED

BUT 

it could be read as

almost any strong drive

that's not like

advice 

it's MORE an attempt to describe 

the visual

I LOVE you SO MUCH 

I am doing a lot

of thinking about myself 

OH

OUTSIDE the framework 

I'm literally JUST 

getting 

that

that's 

the word

I mean

Texas Campfire Tape

is the correct name

or maybe it's tapes

I literally just 

looked it up

BUT 

am somehow not sure

I sometimes want to listen to the one where she

sets the field on fire

I don't really remember what it's about 

I just remember 

THINKING 

it was a special song

CONVEYED something 

but I don't even KNOW 

did I connect with it

or did it hold

the key to

SOMETHING 

I saw her live

& I don't really remember the show

it was one of a very few

I feel like 

I should remember it

she went KINDA crazy 

& kinda got cancelled 

& I can never

find it on YouTube 

LOOKS like 

it might be on Spotify 

I don't want to deal with Spotify 

I'm NOT saying 

it's not user error or is

I'm all turned around 

MIGHT just be me

I semi frequently 

use this tarot thing

on my phone

it's not an app

I just Google it

frequently

I just ask it

what's up with us

& it gave me four of cups

which might mean

lots of things

for other people 

BUT 

for me

this is ALWAYS 

the cards

that means

NOTHING can dissuade him

from loving you

from the reading 

with the angel tarot

with that woman

at metaphysical matrix 

that finally tied into Amy's

second reading 

about listening to the angels

which had initially 

bothered me

because I maybe don't believe so much in angels

THAT'S the trouble with the 

"psychic" messaging

it's not going to tell you anything 

BUT 

you recognize the stuff

as it unfolds

I was very sure

you were my person

from the start

& I was sure

you loved me-- totally certain 

from so early 

it seems like impossible that you could have

BUT 

by the time I got that message 

I was radically uncertain 

& I was just thinking 

it's taking me

SO LONG 

to get myself back together 

I was feeling like

I MUST be a drag

BUT 

I MEAN 

I don't have any other way to do this

it's just gonna take 

however long it takes

&

I'm sorry it isn't faster

BUT 

honestly, MORE because I want to be functional 

than because I don't want to be a drag

I'm building it back from the ground 

& that's just BETTER really 

I NOW understand that 

I probably wasn't 

so much crazy as neuro-divergent 

& I'm trying to navigate 

all THAT 

it MATTERS to me 

this idea that you cannot be dissuaded 

from loving me

just like

you are the one thing

I have wanted

and pursued

across I'm going to SAY MOST

of my life 

I don't believe 

I was in any way wrong 

I TRUST myself 

that you are

my one

BUT 

I just don't currently 

get how that all

fits together 

I just know 

that it does 

❤️👾🫚

good morning sweetheart 💋 

I hope you are having a beautiful day ❤️ 

I LOVE you VERY much 🌼

I gotta sleep 

I'm not done thinking 

I LOVE you SO MUCH 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

🫶👾🫚❤️

I've got

on top of the world

stuck in my HEAD 

and

on the drive

I imagined myself 

doing all these

KINDA 

run to him 

movements

AND 

I should not have let myself 

go that long without food

BUT 

it had to do with 

TIME & distance

I was grumpy 

BUT 

I got food in me

TURNED ON the whatever it is

SAW what an AMAZING day I had

AND

the pipes

are

breathing a song

it's the damnedest thing

it's like the air-conditioner humming

that's what I thought 

I'm melee dosed

I ALSO thought

the ENERGY 

was

SO like everybody is living 

this moment 

I SEE, ya know 

WHY

it's like

I can ONLY take in so much information at a time

LONGER would be better 

I KINDA scared myself 

with the 

TENT

it's been a while 

and

there's a WAY 

it was super bridging 

I just LOVE you 

I still don't know what I'm doing 

BUT 

I'm not so worried about it 

I wanted to see you

because I feel like

I was in a somewhat altered state

those other times

&

I'm not sure I'd call myself quite right now 

no, I'm definitely not 

I think this was all I could handle

there's a WAY 

in which

I WANT to KNOW 

everything 

BUT 

the truth is 

the desire to know everything 

in a certain way 

precludes 

the actual knowing

BUT 

the turning loose of the story line making

alters other perception 

I SOUND really WEIRD to me

OK

THIS will make MORE sense 

while I'm actually living

I'm trying to come at THINGS

in the moment-ish*

when I write about it to you

I turn the whatever it is 

BACK on

I'm SEEING a bunch more STUFF 

did I always have this DELAY 

I don't know 

I was never looking at it from quite this way

I've always had my FRAMEWORK 

which included fantasy

to be SURE 

BUT 

it broke 

and consequently

I'm real uncertain about certain areas

I'm still confused 

BUT 

I think that ok

I have been thinking 

I've heard about

kerville 

I MEAN 

when I was in college 

CAMPFIRE songs

was recorded there

ON A WALKMAN or something 

with the crickets

that stuff had

MEANING 

to me

&

it's funny

I had it all pictured

in my HEAD 

it was this VAST FLAT place

idk WHY 

I'd been to the hill country 

the town

SEEMS 

I was gonna say gentrified 

BUT 

really it's more complicated than that 

there's a WAY

in which 

a lot of information 

has a sort of

PROCESSING DELAY

AND

I'm pretty sure

that could be happening here too

SO

if I seem some kinda way, or whatever 

KNOW that 

I'm not trying to be 

some kinda WAY 

I'm going right at things

& then later

saying 

OH

LIKE 

I think I was maybe rude to the

tarot reader guy

I didn't mean to be, but I'm pretty sure I was

I used to feel confident 

in my ability to 

LIKE 

KNOW what was GOING on 

HOW 

I was woven into the fabric of space time

what the other people 

would understand 

my words to MEAN

I had all that stuff with the therapist

about figuring out WHAT people

WANT 

to KNOW 

I'm having a moment with that aspect of me

THAT was 

SO GOOD 

WARM ❤️ 

I'm not sure 

do I SEEM 

as if I'm a frightened animal 

or 

STILL 

the distant way

I think I sometimes 

am

I imagined you 

running around 

playing with your friends 

& it made me happy 

WARM ❤️

made me happy 

I hope you are having 

a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I think 

a lot more writing is coming 

🫶👾🫚

I just got the tower

I really hope 

that doesn't mean 

the poem

offended

mutable is not meant in it's "fickle" modality 

it's more like astrological 

mutability

I LOVE you VERY much 💋

I walk along 

the slightly treturous gravel path

and FLIGHTS of butterflies 

burst by me

to the left

to the right 

AGAIN & AGAIN 

until I ACCEPT their heraldry 

MONARCHS 

in a few weeks 

their pageant is EXPECTED in oaxaca

for dia de los muertos

SOULS of warriors 

ethereal beauty BUGS

in the end

we are ALL

fragile creatures 

FIERCELY BURNING 

& the REASONS we NEED one another

are BOTH 

constant and mutable

you're talking to people 

& I feel awkward 

I'm not all the way back

from CRAZY

&

HONESTLY 

I am not looking to get completely sane

I think you are amazing 

& I'm so glad 

I got to see you

I can't thank you enough 

for what an amazing 

TWIN 

you have been 

I LOVE you 

to infinity and whatever 

I LOVE you 

SO MUCH 

❤️

❤️