morning after long sleep January 22nd

I was hanging out

with a guy I used to work with 

& he was saying that if I wanted friends 

I needed to be more open

I was living in my car

which was my old Buick

with kind of a box built around it

I was digging through the back seat

trying to find some pants

BECAUSE 

I was wearing a long shirt 

that kinda barely covered my butt

& we were going to

an amusement park 

there was also 

BEFORE that

some small town party

at a lodge or something & I think there was important information 

BUT 

I don't remember 

at the park there was a machine

where hot dogs were swimming 

& then you pulled it out

& SOMEHOW 

it was the best hot dog ever

which didn't make any sense & we talked about how it didn't 

then we met up with some girl I knew

who was really happy that I was OUT doing things with people 

& who thought my car house was cool

BUT 

I didn't really understand 

WHY

for either of those things

there was also a part

MAYBE before any of that

I was working for starbucks 

& I called headquarters 

& I was hesitant about what I was calling about 

I KNEW, I think 

BUT 

I wasn't articulating it fast enough 

& they're LIKE 

you must be calling in the numbers 

& I'm LIKE 

OH

I just started BACK 

after years

I don't have the numbers handy

I'm gonna have to call you back 

I wish I could remember more of the lodge

I think it was LIKE a holiday celebration or something 

musicians, and writers, creatives

& we were all running into each other

& KINDA catching up 

I think there was a group dinner

& the showing

of someone's 

MOVIE 

that I hadn't seen yet

they were all pretty nice vignettes

even the Starbucks one

although 

I can't remember why that one was so nice

I think it was KINDA 

in a beautiful resort area

& MAYBE 

some people I miss were there

NONE of it

was as VISUALLY interesting as the 

BLUE house 

& NONE of it

was as WONDERFUL as you holding ME 

& I'm SURE there was MORE I can't remember 

BUT 

it was ALL pretty good 

& I feel CALMER than when I went to sleep 

BUT 

it was at least sixteen hours of sleep 

night January 21st

I was just asleep 

I had a headache and I just went to bed 

I woke up with 

contretemps prendu

in my head

the phrase, that is

BUT 

I dreamed about some house

someone was moving out of it

& it had some amazing 

decor

which was ALL

SUPER BLUE

I also dreamed 

you and I were walking 

in a slightly wooded area

you were behind me

with your arms

KINDA

wrapped around me

& I was rubbing my face

against the inside of your right bicep

it was VERY comforting 

I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

January 21st afternoon

I'm sorry 

I know this is not interesting 

BUT 

I need to talk about it 

I've been fighting to try to get them to increase her diuretics because she is hella swollen 

I have been advocating in other ways as well

BUT 

they don't seem to want to increase them

they are cutting her fluids

which ALSO works

BUT 

she doesn't 

LIKE it

SO

she's been asking for water from as many separate people as she can

SO

they can't track it

& the woman just came in to take her food orders for tomorrow 

& she's ordering double beverages for every meal

I'm LIKE 

you're on liquids restriction 

she's LIKE 

if they are REALLY monitoring it 

they won't send it

I'm LIKE 

are you REALLY trying to GAME a system that is in place for your protection 

SHE doesn't NEED to be a part of our ARGUMENT 

she says

we aren't having an argument 

I say

I'm just asking for clarification 

YOU don't NEED clarification 

she says

SO

I pack up my stuff 

SAY

I'm not coming tomorrow 

& WALK OUT 

NOW

MAYBE 

this makes me look psychotic to the dietician 

which I'm SORRY if it made her

UNCOMFORTABLE 

BUT 

WHATEVER 

MAYBE 

someone will

RESCUE her from ME 

I wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway 

I WAS planning on going 

FRIDAY 

BUT 

I'm rethinking THAT 

C*NTY McC*NTFACE is a C*NT

January 21st morning

I'm awake 

& THAT 

was no small feat

I'm showered

I'm dressed

I'm about to have

COFFEE 

I've got 

I've just seen a face

stuck in my HEAD 

& I've already decided that I'm not going tomorrow or over the weekend 

MAYBE FRIDAY 

I need to monitor her care

BUT 

my actual presence 

SEEMS 

to make her

WORK

less effectively 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

goodnight January 20th

I'm going to sleep 

I feel like I 

should

talk to the doctors

I really don't want to talk about TODAY 

it WAS 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope everything is 

BEAUTIFUL 

for you

I just saw there's a big COLD-pocalypse coming 

it looks like the BAD part is gonna be NORTH

BUT 

I still have to WORRY about the GRID

they didn't mention 

MAYBE 

it's EAST of you

January 20th mom 2

she told the OT

if you ever have a daughter 

just give her AWAY

at BIRTH

she's a toddler, basically 

January 20th

whole lot of here comes the sun this morning 

and a little bit of starry starry night 

on the Uber to the facility 

they brought her schedule 

& it starts at

ELEVEN

&

ends at 

THREE

SO

I'm in for a longer haul than I thought 

& I'm disordered/exhausted 

to start with 

UGH

she's talking to me 

gotta go