not sleeping yet

I feel like 

I screwed something up 

because of getting something wrong 

& I'm not sure if it was something 

to do with 

my dreams 

or having the thing about my mom

& the people from the studio 

are calling

& that brings in

the whole female friend thing

& then maybe I made you feel some kinda way

OR

just didn't respond to the right thing in the right WAY

maybe I didn't do anything wrong 

& I just feel SAD

BUT 

I was farther TODAY from the 

VIBING with the UNIVERSE 

than I have been 

SOME other

DAYS

SO

I'm gonna try to sleep NOW 

& WAKE UP

CLOSER

to the 

person I 

WANT 

to be 

🫶

I'm gonna sleep soon

it makes me SAD to think 

YOU might have thought

I was doing that

I remember HOW I used to 

SPIRAL

thinking about 

the things

you MIGHT think 

I was saying 

BAD

it made me 

FEEL 

MUCH 

MORE

LOVED

when I let go of THAT 

SO

I'm going to 

NOT think

you were thinking I was saying 

THAT

I enjoy thinking 

that you feel confident in 

& this kind of

protectively strong towards

SOLID LOVE

& even if this is in some ways 

perhaps inaccurate or 

unrealistic 

I don't want to be worried about 

whether or not you

are worried 

about us

I'm not saying you are

BUT 

I've got 

STUFF 

working against me

I need not to add

worries

I LOVE you 

I'm gonna stop talking 

goodnight sweetheart 

I just thought of something

ALSO 

I wasn't talking about 

macking on women 

I was talking about 

having problems 

dealing with being 

AROUND 

them

I'm not trying to 

make you feel insecure 

that just occurred to me 

that you might think that

YOU 

are the only one I'm ever thinking about 

ROMANTICALLY 

& I don't think I have done a good job with that

I'm not looking to branch out

I just think

it's weird that I don't feel comfortable around 

WOMEN

I've mentioned it before 

ALTHOUGH 

it might

PARTIALLY be

a neurodivergent thing

and men don't have the same systems

I feel like there is a

NORM enforcing aspect to women

that I don't FEEL the same way

with men

in groups

which

isn't anything to do with attraction 

THAT probably 

SCARES me any time I recognize it 

slight venting

@#$!!*#@

AMERICA FIRST AWARD 

sounds like they

are planning to give it to him

ANNUALLY 

(that super looks spelled wrong)

HOW LONG 

before they're going door to door 

taking people's gold jewelry 

to melt down 

for WEEKLY 

AWARD 

MEDALS

red states got the waffle house, but blue cities not so much

HEY 

there's nothing LIKE 

WAFFLE HOUSE 

BUT 

there's no waffle house in town 

I think the nearest one to me

is out hwy six or something 

BUT 

there's an IHOP close enough for me to 

WALK to

it's not super cool

BUT 

if we can get IHOP in the network 

it would be 

VERY CONVENIENT 

for the 

TELEPORT 

thoughts

SO

I have an IDEA to get around the 

AIRPORT problem

& if we get

CREATIVE 

maybe the gas

PROBLEM 

TOO 

FIRST 

everyone 

TELEPORT 

to WAFFLE HOUSE 

then we can set up a 

BICYCLE 

RICKSHAW 

service 

THAT 

takes care of red states

BUT 

WHAT is the

BLUE state equivalent of 

WAFFLE HOUSE 

check in march 25th

I've had a weird day so far

my mom told them

they couldn't move her

until I had toured the facility 

I mean she didn't call me to ask me

it's just me somehow 

gumming up the works

SO

I had to explain 

& say I would not be doing that 

& blah blah

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

WEIRD dreams

I had upsetting dreams 

there was one

I was in a pet store

somebody was playing with a cat

with a big knife

& they cut off it's leg

& then we're like

oh, I don't want it now

& walked off

while the poor cat was bleeding & trying to follow them on its bloody bone stump

I was trying to get the shop person's attention 

to help the cat

& they were like

they didn't want to upset the customer 

& I didn't know what to do

then I was in another shop

& I found a cool felt tip pen I was gonna buy

& for some reason 

I wrote my name on the box

MAYBE 

I was testing the pen out

I wouldn't do that in real life

I had to use their restroom 

& while I was in there

the pen started smoking

& subsequently melting

& I thought about

just leaving it

BUT 

I HAD written my name on it

& I thought about taking the box

leaving the pen

BUT 

I decided to tell the shop person 

because 

I MEAN 

they should know THAT was a THING that could 

HAPPEN

& by that time it was freaky melted

TWISTED 

they thanked me and I went on my way

THEN

I was in a

I want to say restaurant 

BUT 

must have been back of house 

& I had some like hand truck 

that I was wheeling through 

their area

& one guy said

hey

here

would you like a schematic to our

SANITIZER 

& I'm all LIKE 

I LOVE sanitizing

took the sheet of paper

& wheeled my hand truck out of the maze of counters

PAST

what honestly looked like

GAVIN NEWSOME

OUT 

of the building 

& into a hallway which had an elevator 

I needed to get the hand truck

ANGLED INTO

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I still think

the madras is symbolic of something 

I don't think I'd ever wear anything 

THAT loud

on PANTS

JACKET 

MAYBE 

my thoughts on recent dreams

I was questioning 

how I don't seem to be friends with women much

I don't feel comfortable around them

& MAYBE 

that's just women my age & older

BUT 

it's a thing that is a ME thing

SOMETIMES 

I think it's because of deborah & my mom

SOMETIMES 

I think it's got to do with the non-binary thing 

BUT 

I was thinking about it 

calling myself into 

QUESTION 

then also 

when I did my nam myoho renge kyo 

I set the intention to 

SEE MORE CLEARLY 

WHAT I WANT 

because I feel like I am still trying to get at THAT 

& I had dreams 

BUT 

I wasn't sure 

HOW 

to interpret them

I was having a picnic

with a woman who I was trying to be friends with 

I was TALKING to her

THROUGH the WINDOW 

of a car

turned upside down 

neither of us 

we're IN the CAR

we were on opposite sides of the car

I was handing her things through the window 

she was on the opposite side of the car

I was mixing her

an iced tea

in test tubes

I was trying to decide 

HOW MUCH SUGAR

to put in her tea

when I woke up

I thought maybe this was telling me 

I really want 

female friendships

& I need to do the

EXTRA WORK 

to make this happen 

BUT 

thinking about it all day 

I don't think that's what it is telling me 

I think it was MORE like trying to represent to me

WHAT it's LIKE

THEN

there was another part of the dream

or maybe an entirely different 

DREAM 

I moved around through the WORLD 

& I found these

PANTS

they were 

MADRAS PLAID --- shades of PINK

thicker material cut like those

pants I think look good on me

stretchy comfortable 

BUT 

they also had like a baby pink piping

I was pretty happy with them

and I was sitting in a comfortable chair 

on a nice patio

with plants

& some young person I KNEW in the DREAM 

--- I think they were male but I'm not entirely sure 

came by and said 

you look COOL in those pants

can I take your picture 

& THEN

ALL of a SUDDEN 

I'm comfortable with having my picture taken

& everything is EASY & FUN 

& I'm looking UP 

what does it mean when you DREAM of 

MADRAS PLAID PANTS

I don't think the type of fabric is the point

I'm not sure that I've CAUGHT 

ALL the nuance

BUT 

SOMETHING like 

be yourself 

DON'T WORRY about TRYING 

those that LIKE you

will self select

check in march 24th

I had some dreams 

I'm still thinking about 

what they mean

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much