I dreamed
that my mother said she was going
to the West Coast to have
a brain tumor removed
she seemed perfectly
cogent
BUT
was trying to get me to come look at
some leaded crystal
she clearly wanted me to take
& I was like
NO
I don't want more
STUFF
& I was just happy she wasn't
SENILE
although not specifically interested
in the brain tumor
STORY
I thought of a joke
my mother is a narcissist
her pronouns are
I/me/mine
I also thought about ways
to use the science film I saw before lunch
in fourth grade
as some kind of metaphor for
my identity
it was about snail reproduction
snails are all both sexes
they mate
by sticking their
HEADS together into some big yucky joining
where they exchange genetic material
& THEN
they
BOTH go off and have babies
I found it disturbing
I almost couldn't eat lunch
BUT
there's a WAY
in which
THAT
seems more relatable
than any of this
HUMAN
stuff
although maybe that's memes
before memes meant internet stuff
I can remember saying to dr freeland
that I wasn't all that worried about
passing on my genes
because I wasn't sure they were
all that great anyway
based on my family
BUT
MAYBE
I DID
want some of my memes to go on
which was deeper and more sensical before it was dumb internet jokes
I wish I had gotten to know her
a little better now
I think she had
a LOT of anxiety
she had a good friend who was schizophrenic
& she re-read proust
remembrance of things past
every year or so
to check herself
against herself
she taught my philosophy of women class
& 19th century philosophy
& images of madness in art & philosophy
which was an undergrad philosophy
& a graduate art class
team taught
with I don't remember who in the art department
the philosophy was mostly
FOUCAULT
& she asked me one time
in the philosophy of women class
what is a political lesbian
& I KNEW she was asking me because she wanted to know my take on it
not some pat answer
& I had to answer
I really don't know
there was a woman in the class
who kept saying that SHE was a political lesbian
but she didn't ask her
it SEEMED to me
if you're saying you're a political lesbian
what you're trying to say
is you are trying to
wiggle out of
the
SEX
PART
but still trying to keep
the radical part
not saying
for example
I am womyn-centered
or
I am engaged in a family unit
that de-centers patriarchy
instead --- I sleep with women
for political reasons
& WHAT does THAT even MEAN
I was at a lesbian bar
& I NEVER had any success at them
on this particular occasion
I was sitting at the bar
there weren't many people there
& I was talking to a guy
who was at the bar
& I kinda assumed he had just wandered in
he was from out of town
& I was enjoying talking to him
the way one might enjoy
talking to a guy at a bar
if you were
ALSO
a guy
it NEVER in a million years occurred to me
that he was trying to pick me up
ANYWAY
we closed the bar down
& there was a coffee shop attached
& I asked if he wanted to continue talking there
at which point
he explained something about
his wife loving the generally approved
lesbian curriculum and he was hoping that
THAT was what I was interested in
the IDEA that he was
in fact
trying to pick me up
freaked me the f*CK out
& it was an ick moment
& a suddenly unsafe moment
& I guess it's a bookend
to the guy who tried to pick me up
when I was at the mining company with friends
the mining company was a gay denim/leather bar
which was my favorite gay bar
although they didn't really
like women there that much
he might have been bi
I don't think he was confused about where he was
but michael jones had just done a mild
cigarette -- nipple round
that I think this guy might have witnessed
SO
he might have had reason to think I'd be fun
& honestly
HE
didn't freak me out
I just wasn't trying to be with men then
& I was out with friends
SO
not looking for
a pick up
BUT
my near misses at being picked up
don't make much sense
& no ick from him
he seemed like
a real person
& his reasons seem
BETTER
like maybe he saw me slightly aroused
I was into that kinda stuff
small sexy pain
I don't know what I like now
probably not that
& I think
should I be telling you this
BUT
I'm pretty sure
I've told you all of this
BEFORE
I had experiences out in the world
& I READ a LOT
I had all the hanky codes memorized
for example
BUT
as far as experience
WITH
sexual partners
very little of that
MAYBE
if I went home with that guy
at the mining company
MAYBE
I would have cemented myself
in the s/m community
become a famous
SWITCH
& solved all my hang ups
I think that's more the person I maybe
represented myself as
when I first started
writing to you
I don't feel like that at all now
I KINDA think of myself as
a political
ASEXUAL
now
I saw a woman walking towards me
at the grocery store the other week
& I started to think
she's
HOT
& THEN
I'm LIKE
can't you just say
man, she's FIT and feel happy for her
you have no interest in even
IMAGINING
why ya gotta objectify
