rambling TALK-Y talk

I may not go see her today 

I have been up a while 

I showered

I ate

I'm caffeinating

I hand washed a pair of underwear and bra

I am planning at least one load of laundry 

I rented a car

I bought a ticket 

I haven't yet rented a hotel, but that maybe isn't even really necessary 

I can't do a longer trip 

I both feel like I need to be here for the transfer 

& can't really deal with all the moving parts

BUT 

I am doing the obvious birthday thing

I don't know where I am

in the journey from

nutso to sanely balanced

& I don't know how good I look in my range

I'm not necessarily in any kind of balanced state

I imagine 

if I'm being viewed objectively 

I'm not the top choice for anything right now 

I'm a work in progress 

I'm an image in motion 

& if I don't LOOK 

GOOD 

I'm certainly not holding that against anyone else 

I'm trying to figure out

too many things at once

under somewhat stressful circumstances 

& there is a certain quality of 

two steps forward 

one step back

OR

whatever

I'm not apologizing for that 

BUT 

I GET how it isn't 

IDEAL

PLUS 

I can see now

that I hated the shrunked droop of my lower face

after I lost all the weight 

SO

adding weight back

LOOKED like

youthening

subconsciously

I also maybe see

how when I was younger 

I had all these sort of

TOXIC structures 

that my conception of romantic relationships was built upon

I don't know how to 

NOT have BEEN that WAY 

& it is possible that 

remnants are

remaining 

below the level of my awareness

POSSIBLY 

I'm in some liminal shadow-y place

where I am

BOTH

too literal & too abstract

I am not connected to the world as an empath, not really, not anymore 

BUT 

I haven't found the NEW way I'm supposed to be 

CONNECTED YET 

& I feel like 

that likely means 

I'm not through the empress/death portal yet

I don't know my place

& I MEAN 

I feel like from a neurotypical standpoint 

I never have seen the place I'm 

SUPPOSED to occupy 

I keep feeling like 

I'm supposed to do some 

earthshattering reboot

on the grievance 

& hate & whatnot, but HOW exactly 

& then I'm LIKE 

MAYBE 

you're making it a bigger thing than it is

MAYBE 

that australian chick has a point about you

POLLYANNA 

OR

MAYBE 

you are just puffed up

with making yourself more important than you are

BUT 

I don't really want people looking at me

I don't really want to be the center of attention 

there was a period of my life

when I wanted to be on the talk show circuit

I think I was watching too much

dick cavett

& johnny carson

I figure 

I just move forward into the next open space of comfort for myself in the world 

try to heal my nervous system 

let my depleted levels

RISE

& I'll achieve

some sort of balance 

& I figure 

the path will be revealed 

& there's no reason to think

I'm single-handedly

DRAMATICALLY 

saving the world 

the message was always 

you got this

you'll know it when ya see it

& the pressure to

FIGURE it ALL OUT 

SEEMS 

kinda unfair 

I'm not trying to put that pressure on you either 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I hope you are having a beautiful day 

thoughts

I changed the ink

that gray was just too much

I thought I'd try the

j. herbin rouille d'ancre

which is too light for my fine pens

I love the color & shading

BUT 

it's still 

VERY 

light

the gray cleaned out really nicely 

I don't know WHY 

this stuff is 

SO

calming to me

I need to go to sleep 

I wish I could 

be a little more fun

I am having a little trouble 

NOT 

thinking about minneapolis 

BUT 

I haven't been watching much media about it 

I'm not sure I'm hitting the right balance 

BUT 

I'm not freaking out 

SO

I'll take that as a win, at least

I got stuff I need to do tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

& I hope I can explain 

some of the new stuff 

I feel like I'm working it out

BUT 

I'm still getting the sense

that there's a lot more to everything 

than I'm seeing 

not super talk-y today, maybe I'm on the edge of figuring something out, or maybe it just feels that way

TODAY 

apparently 

there was a big electrical job

happening at my apartment complex 

there wasn't any notification 

BUT 

they needed me to move my car at like

nine in the am & then

I had no electricity 

SO

I went back to bed

I kinda floated through today too

& I felt different today than yesterday 

I don't REALLY know 

SOMETHING 

that I feel like I should KNOW 

& then I DO KNOW something else

I still need to 

separate myself from 

some sort of 

SOMETHING 

that I consider that doesn't come from me

I don't think that is terribly coherent

I'm having trouble 

ISOLATING it

& articulating it

I DO feel CALMER 

thoughts

TODAY

I was just KINDA floating 

I decided not to run around & do things

I thought you wanted to do

LAUNDRY 

tomorrow 

 

I'll do laundry tomorrow 

TODAY 

I'm going to rest

& I'm not gonna f*CKing quibble about it 

NO

feeling guilty 

for not being productive 

NO

well I deserve x,y,z

BECAUSE 

I am VERY pleased with how I handled myself 

YESTERDAY 

JUST -- I decide 

NOT 

worrying 

about the future 

not worrying 

about the state of the world 

not just saying I'm not doing those things 

mostly 

I don't think I'm going back to my therapist 

I feel hesitant to SAY that 

I'm not saying 

I'm sane

I THINK 

I've changed my MIND about 

HOW 

helpful 

I think it is 

I mean 

I don't KNOW 

I'm working on some things 

I THINK 

after I SEE how 

THAT goes

I'll have a BETTER idea how to proceed 

PLUS 

doesn't it just seem like the universe 

telling me 

something 

BUT 

MAYBE 

I'm not seeing it clearly 

maybe I've been psychotic 

& I just haven't noticed 

It feels like 

one more thing I don't have the energy for

NOT 

oh dear g/d I needs me some therapy 

I still have some problems 

he could help me with 

& I do care about him

BUT 

I don't KNOW how to

EXPLAIN 

LIKE 

where I'm AT

WHO

I am NOW 

it feels 

DISRUPTIVE 

at THIS 

particular moment 

BUT

MAYBE 

that's rooted in some sense 

that the VALUE is in my having to organize my thoughts around EXPLAINING 

MYSELF 

THIS SEASON -- ALREADY in PROGRESS 

thoughts

the pen came

it's nice

the ink seems darker

maybe because the line is thinner

BUT 

it's not a thin line

honestly 

I enjoy a thinner line, but this is a really good compromise between a glassy smooth writing experience -- which I used to prefer

& a pencil-y feedback -- which my favorite nib has

my favorite nib -- holding the pen is uncomfortable 

my favorite pen holding experience -- I don't like the nib

at some point 

I want to try to get the nib put into the body

BUT 

that will probably need technical support 

the pen I now carry around with me

is a cheap pen -- jinhao 1909(?) which has a huge ink capacity 

a smooth nib

& a comfortable light weight holding experience 

I do like a heavier pen

this pen is moderate weight

comfortable to hold

SMALL ink capacity 

it's not perfect 

& it's hard to get the ridges to perfectly align

-- which doesn't bother me as much as I might have expected -- which I didn't because every review that mentioned it said it was not a problem 

the noise has stopped 

Kitty is sleeping happily supervising me

my mom's trainer called me 

I didn't pick up

I checked the message 

she's worried 

because my mom hasn't called her back

I texted her an update 

I feel ok

I'm taking it easy

good morning

I'm not going to see her today 

I want to do some laundry 

maybe take out some

trash or something 

take a bath 

I'm 

fairly calm, I think 

& Kitty is handling the fairly extreme noise

reasonably well

he was under the bed

right under my head

more or less

I'm not sure what they're doing now

but if anything it's louder

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I thought I wrote more

I thought I wrote more 

I didn't stay & visit 

I figured 

LEAVE 

in a

good mood 

SO

I had driven 

my car there

I went home, had some tea, then walked over

DROVE 

her car

got her mail

there was a lot more to the day

BUT I need to sleep 

& I'm not sure I can articulate it clearly 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'll try to tell you tomorrow