if this posts then I guess it posts

you have a better person to be 

your keeper 

you have a better person to be 

your bright spot

you're not my daddy 

you don't need to wait around 

for me to figure out my sh*t

WHY 

anything we could have

would jeopardize 

something 

that does more for you

as your friend 

if I am your friend 

FLY be free

I'll figure out my sh*t

I guarantee 

I'm more trouble than I'm worth

I'm all the things you said

it hurts 

BUT 

it's FAIR 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you have 

all your dreams come true

I didn't understand

I've caught up 

I understand 

BUT 

I can't unhear that stuff 

I have little belief that this will post, but if it does it's a sign

I thought 

THIS

was what you wanted 

that you were saying you wanted to 

like forever be here for THIS 

& that you were trying to 

let me see that you

were really 

committing to some

life of the mind

with me

I thought there was some

possibly 

that you wanted

to get to know me irl

to see

BUT 

I thought

when this went down 

I needed to TRY to maintain 

SO

I tried to use other channels 

I wasn't gonna be all

bare my soul

in public

although I kinda did

BUT 

you don't really 

LIKE me, I think 

MAYBE 

I'm somehow more an IDEA 

which I would say is 

FAIR 

except I've been baring my soul to you for twenty something years

I needed to focus on my own head 

for a minute 

& the universe broke my blog

to give me the opportunity 

& you immediately 

realize you are

done with me

SO

MAYBE 

that was what needed to happen 

I hope that was true 

that you were

BETTER 

thank you for breaking my brain

thank you for being there 

making me feel

loved and cared for

thank you 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm sorry 

I wasn't enough 

it let me post -- check in may 27th

I have been 

EXTREMELY 

caught up in an anxious

paranoid perspective spinning

thing

while I've been going through this whatever it was

I don't know whether I was too caught up

in the feeling that

EVERYTHING OUTSIDE of ME 

was AGAINST me

OR

WHAT

BUT 

I'm still getting things done

& I feel SO MUCH 

more normal today 

I threw away

didn't even donate

a baby blanket that I crocheted

granny squares

when I was like eleven 

I'm not sure WHY I made a baby blanket 

I didn't give it to deborah for John

maybe I had thought I would 

BUT 

when she asked me 

I said no

& THEN when I was cleaning out my mom's garage 

THERE it suddenly was AGAIN 

& I took it

BUT 

it has no happy memories 

ONLY 

BAD

ones

it was in a plastic bag 

it LOOKED clean

I didn't even take it out of the bag to look

I just threw it away

I kept the baseball yarmulke I won on theme park 

I don't use it

BUT 

it made me 

happy 

& it's pretty small

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much