thoughts January 31st

I have discovered 

the thing I like to do, or more accurately, perhaps 

A THING that I like to do

is have adventures 

yesterday 

I walked around my apartment complex 

which I haven't done in a while 

& even though that is a pretty 

SMALL adventure 

it WAS 

KINDA fun

Ive been remembering my trips to London

& scotland

in context with some more recent trips 

& the room is important 

the stuff I do out in the WORLD 

& driving

are important 

BUT 

the kinda world creation of the room

is really important 

I'm not sure YET 

what I think this means

BUT 

I think it's important 

better day today

to be clear 

I had turned off the 

RINGER on my phone 

SO

I didn't talk to the admitter

& this afternoon 

I ALSO didn't talk to the social worker 

I could call & SAY

I'm not doing anything that supports her going home -- because I don't think it's SAFE 

BUT 

that didn't work before 

&

1) that's not what I'm DONE feels like to me

2) SHE hasn't CONTACTED me directly 

3) if they are planning her release ALREADY then I'd say it's likely that there isn't anything wrong with her -- 

a) they kept her a week before & couldn't find anything 

b) she's been in constant care since and was APPROVED to go home 

c) I'd say if they can't reach me it will make them less likely to send her home 

d) I keep wanting to text her and say --

JUST pretend you got your WAY 

& I killed myself because I couldn't handle it 

& NOW you have to deal with yourself 

ANYWAY 

BUT 

that seems like some passive aggressive manipulation and I'm not trying to make her do anything anymore 

I'm 

just 

DONE 

goodnight sweetheart

I've gotta say, though

I'm going through the tequila 

at what I would call an alarming rate 

it's been a week 

since I bought

1.75 liters

of tequila 

& I have gone through LIKE three quarters of it

with this new mixer

that's pineapple and jalapenos 

& a citrus THC elixir, or whatever they're calling it

& the thing I NEVER understand 

drinking makes me feel 

BETTER in the morning 

anyway 

I f*CKed UP 

& I'm going to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

January 29th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not having a great day

I had a headache 

& took a nap 

& I'm awake now but I'm not sure for how long 

I don't feel great about all this

BUT 

honestly 

a sincere request for help

MIGHT have WORKED 

for something 

& the heartfelt 

APOLOGY

that is NOT even a possibility 

SHE has NEVER 

she LITERALLY undermined all attempts by anyone to protect her 

JUST

so she could go ahead with her original plan

to FORCE me to do what I said I wouldn't do

I don't WANT to abandon her 

BUT 

she's made it CLEAR 

there is NO WAY to deal with her 

SO

I guess we are doing THIS stupid b*llsh*t

I'm FINE with making her FACE consequences 

& she's NOT senile demented

SHE hasn't called or texted

BUT the hospital did call checking her in

at like midnight 

& I KINDA wonder how she managed to make it be SO LATE 

I watched some videos on the shadow

& then I'm talking to myself --

I forgive you for needing to get involved with her at ALL 

I forgive you for needing to get to the point where she proved she doesn't care about you at ALL 

ONLY wants to USE me

I KNEW all THAT 

I really DID but somehow I JUST 

COULD NOT believe it 

I thought there HAD to be

SOMETHING in there

SOMETHING that LOVED me

BUT 

NO

it was foolish 

I'm sorry I made you go through that

& I don't know what parts of myself I'm afraid of 

I KNOW I had that whole existential crisis 

when I realized I wasn't sure 

I might not SNAP 

I don't necessarily even think 

I'm THAT nice of a person 

ANYMORE 

I'm not looking for people to help 

I'm not interested in taking on

OTHER people's STUFF 

I just want to 

PROTECT myself 

HEAL my nervous system 

find out what makes me happy 

I can't do that

FIGHTING 

CONSTANT psy-op battles

& the ONLY way to not

is to HOLD my

BOUNDARIES