OK

that was a lot of sleep 

& I'm still VERY tired

BUT 

I had dreams

SOME of which I remember 

though

I'm not sure

what to make of them

I had a ROOM 

that was cool, but kinda bizarre

the walls were like a chartreuse 

& an enormous dresser

very dark wood

antique

with a giant mirror

& many many drawers

it was really attractive 

& it seemed like it was kinda tucked into a recess

but it went like floor to ceiling 

& it was wide too

at least six feet wide, maybe more

there was an attached bathroom 

I'm not sure how many people 

lived there

BUT 

at one point

there was a guy on the toilet

and a girl in the tub

who seemed to be

having a relationship 

AND

I'm LIKE 

this is MY room

it was odd

THIS 

is the really weird part

there was this

THING

in the middle of the floor

&

I guess this is when I was first getting the room

it was like this beautiful 

I want to call it wicker

BUT 

it wasn't visually heavy

it was WOVEN kinda basketry

but sleek

& nearly transparent 

& curvilinear 

it still SEEMED antique 

BUT 

I don't know how old it was

because it was clean and fresh

slightly millinery 

I'm all LIKE

is THAT a coffin

can I sleep in that

I had an enormous 

VAMPIRE thing

when I was a kid, so it didn't strike me as

QUITE as weird as it might seem

THEN

there was ALL this running around 

with three other women

changing shoes

not

like trying on shoes

LIKE 

switching for different 

I'm not sure WHY 

tennis shoes

some other shoes

it SEEMED to make sense 

in the dream

BUT 

they don't seem different enough 

that any of that was

NECESSARY 

ALSO

LOTS of running around 

changing cars

& seats

it was all friendly 

BUT 

it was like

CHINESE FIRE DRILL 

there was MORE 

about

WHAT we were doing 

that I can't remember 

it seemed 

NOT that important to me 

BUT 

I didn't have a lot of feelings about it 

in the dream

it was just

THE THING that we were

sort of uncritically doing

sort of manically

I have

NO idea

what any of that means 

BUT 

often my dreams have

familiar elements 

&

NONE of THIS

seemed at all familiar 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm falling asleep 

🫶👾🫚

I'm trying to figure out 

so MUCH stuff

I want to 

represent the experience 

BUT 

I just know

I FEEL less CRAZY 

I am not holding on by my fingernails 

BUT 

it still feels 

PROCESS-Y

maybe I should have 

written MORE 

from the standpoint of 

feeling your energy 

BUT 

it's harder to describe than you'd think 

AND 

SOMETIMES 

it's very sexual 

BUT 

other times

it's just

a FULL body thing

I'm sorry if

I was somewhat 

provocative 

& then

just 

passed out

I had a bad headache 

& was super tired

didn't sleep 

much

SO

I lay down and took a nap

I don't usually do that 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I want to clarify 

I think the

foundation thing

is me

I feel like

I'm confused again 

you have been

VERY supportive 

through all this

BUT 

I feel like

there's something 

I haven't answered for you

& I'm not sure what it is

I am yes continuing 

I'm NOT giving up 

I was talking to my therapist 

he is semi fighting 

with his family 

about

the election

I told him

t*ump triggers me

& he's like, yeah me too

his niece blocked him on social media 

his 91 year old mother

told him

he better work out his issues

before thanksgiving

last time we talked 

he was not going to thanksgiving 

I guess that's no longer his plan

they're all rich, apparently 

hey, I say

if you need to skip thanksgiving 

no no, he says

he will make nice

I don't understand 

what am I missing 

he told me again 

I should be a therapist 

I floated my nervous breakdown theory

& he's like 

well maybe not exactly 

BUT 

you did have a break

just recently 

I think he means

when I was trying to quit the job

BUT 

surely

when I was triggered

back In May or whenever that was

surely THAT was a WORSE break

he says I'm so much stronger than I think I am

AND

I wonder

what does that really mean 

I MEAN 

I think I'm pretty strong

he hasn't asked me

what I THINK about my strength

I told him

at some point

when I was losing my sh*t

that I didn't feel supported 

& couldn't he give me some

exercise or something 

to not FEEL like 

I was COMPLETELY losing my sh*t

& he had nothing 

to me t*ump represents

MAYBE more than any single person 

the qualities

that trigger me

he has those narcissistic traits

that flash from mom

EVERYTHING must be my fault

because she can't ever be wrong

REALITY might change from day to day

because everything is 

external and right now

giving him/her what she wants right now

He's got that entitlement going

because he's a narcissist 

BUT ALSO 

because he is a rich white man

who only sees

the rest of the world

in terms of what he wants from it

"working the angles"

using small businesses to build things

then not paying them

so he ruins them

to get his sh*t cheaper

THAT was what he did BEFORE 

when he was IN OFFICE 

he USED the office

to whatever he

could squeeze out of it

for personal profit

& f*CKing aggrandizement 

he can't distance himself from ROE

the way he would kinda like to

because he CAN'T 

stop patting himself on the back for overturning 

he takes the just say whatever

with no shame

not true, no problem 

just say it 

AGAIN and AGAIN 

& people 

will either think it's true

OR

they will not know anymore 

what is and isn't true 

& just slip into

apathetic acquiescence

his hardcore base

are grievance driven

& he rages with them

& SOUNDS "right" to them

because he has like a third grade vocabulary 

they don't WANT someone 

SMART or ACOMPLISHED

they want someone 

who will make the bad people suffer

AND

this new statement of his

HOW the military 

should STOP 

the "radical left"

people are apologizing for him

trying to say what he MEANT 

BUT 

I'm pretty sure 

he said what he meant 

ENEMIES WITHIN 

he says 

ALIEN & SEDITION ACT

John Adam's SHAME

MAYBE 

the military is supposed to keep me from voting

he doesn't really understand 

HOW the country works

& he doesn't really CARE

I'm pretty SURE 

it's all just

REALITY TV 

to him

AND

AMERICA 

even with the many ways

it doesn't live up to

it's promises

MEANS MORE than that 

to me

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

☕👾🫚💌

I saw a video 

with an interview with 

michael moore 

he thinks it's kamala & not close

& he's been right

2016 & 2022 notably

I'm pretty sure

carville thinks it won't be as close as predicted too

t*ump stood on the stage

and sort of danced

for like thirty-ish minutes 

to ave maria and YMCA

that strikes me as

kinda bizarre

I feel you 

like an electric current 

moving through me

I was telling my therapist 

ABOUT 

how triggering I find t*ump

& HOW I feel like 

THAT was a big part of my sort of

LOCKDOWN crazy

for me

the SENSE that the world had GONE MAD

& I was GONNA DIE

BUT 

NOW I'm getting 

SOME sort of mashup of 

if I only had a heart & if you are among the very young at heart

walking back from therapy 

I mean

so I'm not sure what that means 

I cried some in therapy 

about how

I never thought of myself as someone who

(like a lot of women do)

just sees to everyone else's needs first

& I didn't realize 

I had this other thing going on 

BUT 

the difficulty I had

leaving that job

which should have been 

pretty low stakes

points out to me

CLEARLY 

that I have a problem with just saying 

it's okay to be focused on 

what is best for me

EVERYTHING 

doesn't have to be some HARMONIZING 

greatest overall happiness 

I can prioritize me

because 

even if I WANT to be all harmonization Hannah

can't give water from a dry well

I guess miriam has the moving well

so perhaps that whole metaphor is 

not the strongest 

BUT 

MAYBE I feel guilty

for not being RIPE yet

MAYBE I understand that that could go bad

you might run out of patience 

& I'm having all these FEELINGS 

about what the f*CK am I doing with myself 

I'm LIKE 

starting over AGAIN 

with the information I had already gleaned

& having to find my place

in a world

that has changed so much

over the course of my life 

it's LIKE 

a double whammy, somehow

BUT 

it's just what everyone has to do

EVENTUALLY 

that's what growing looks like, I guess

AND

a lot of people don't grow 

& MAYBE 

I'm not a natural with this stuff

BUT I have a steep learning curve

I'm all LIKE

it's been a whole year

I should be fixed

BUT 

I'm trying not to do that to myself 

& he thought the idea

that I should be fixed by the one year mark

he thought it was funny

ABSOLUTELY!

I'm glad I approached things

from an

it is only with the heart

one can see rightly 

because I've had

all sorts of

THOUGHTS

that if I hadn't done that

I would be 

FREAKING out 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

and I'm getting all this

sort of surging

ENERGY 

that I usually associate with 

YOU 

SO

I'm assuming that means 

you are thinking about me 

the cards are so good

BUT

there's still a tower in there

BUT 

with beginning cycle 

ENERGY 

SO

MAYBE 

that's telling me 

WATCH that FOUNDATION 

also this particular tower

SEEMS more like

ENLIGHTENMENT 

TWIN 

for me is a multi-phasic term

it's LIKE 

a completer ENERGY 

I've told you about it 

it includes love twin flame type energy

BUT ALSO 

secret language stuff

& understanding

BELONGING

in a kind of core way

more later

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶👾🫚