it was a weird day

it's been a long day 

or maybe not

LONG

BUT 

WEIRD 

I drove my mother's car 

there's gonna be a freeze

& I wasn't sure exactly 

HOW LONG it had been since it was driven

there has been a surreal quality to all of today

random stuff

I preframed them

whether that was right to do

or not

I think she's depressed 

& she just wants to

SLEEP 

she needs interaction 

& she getting sick 

of my nagging 

I'm having FEELS about her

&

about my feelings about her

&

about wanting to hand her over to someone 

I WISH she wasn't 

the way she is

I worked on throwing things away

I have to beat the stuff thing

OH

and I VOTED -- run off election city council 

AT LARGE

salinas wants to

BLOCK 

& file injunctions & basically 

F!GHT !CE

boykins

wants to co-operate

I want to see how it comes out 

mom thoughts

well

I didn't go see her

BUT 

I called her and harassed her and she says

she went and ate lunch in the lunch room 

& had ten minutes of P/T

in the P/T room

&

I mobilized the

studio friends 

to get

visits today and tomorrow 

ANXIETY & RAGE

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I'm freaking out a little bit 

my mom 

who I'm not going to SEE, but I did call

SOUNDS a little sharper

BUT 

she didn't have them put her in the chair 

& she had them turn off the TV 

RIGHT AFTER I left

I'm LIKE 

when you sleep all the time 

you get loopy

& you come across as

SENILE 

if you get pegged as senile

you are gonna end up 

SOMEPLACE 

you don't want to be 

PULL it TOGETHER 

I know she's depressed 

not equipped to deal with living in reality 

AT ALL

not doing well with the 

FACING her MORTALITY 

I'm LIKE 

check if they have a counselor or something 

failing THAT 

have them take you to services tomorrow 

I'm SURE they'll do THAT 

She's NOT senile

she's having an existential crisis 

BUT 

she has to DO this

nobody can 

FIX her life

for her

MAYBE 

a mental hospital 

would be more appropriate 

BUT 

I doubt that is what the social worker wants to talk to me about 

I'm not feeling terrified

I don't have a good feeling about how this is going down

BUT 

not terrified

it was a rough day

I am expressing my 

RAGE to my mother 

I don't know if that's good or not

BUT 

I'm just KINDA letting whatever comes up 

come up

BUT 

she's acting weird 

she just wants to sleep 

& she's avoiding 

getting up

like she'll do whatever physical therapy 

they MAKE her do

BUT 

she doesn't want to 

get wheeled down to the common area

& I'm LIKE 

I don't care if you

WANT to interact or not

when you sleep all the time 

you get dozy & disoriented 

you NEED to FOCUS 

you NEED to PULL it TOGETHER 

& COMMIT

to your recovery 

you aren't in a nursing home 

you are in a skilled nursing facility to REHAB 

do you want to end your life the way

shirley did

if you don't LOOK at me

RIGHT NOW 

& SAY something 

that makes me 

BELIEVE 

that you are committed to fighting for your

RECOVERY 

I'm going to turn on the TV and leave it on when I leave

she was not convincing 

as I walked out of the room 

I'm LIKE 

I can't make you

STAY AWAKE 

BUT 

I CAN 

make it harder to sleep

I went out and talked to her nurse 

we had talked already 

don't let her give you any crap

she was living alone

she was driving herself around 

playing with her little stock market stuff 

she's in some kinda FUNK

& when she just sleeps

she gets loopy

& seems

incoherent 

she NEEDS to interact 

she NEEDS to move around 

if you can get her to go eat in the common area

THAT would be GREAT

I'm f*CKing exhausted 

& I kinda want to 

THRASH her

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I really need to sleep 

I'm not going 

the weekend 

I NEED 

to decompress 

YAY!!! (edited) how could I leave out the MOST important part -- who knows more about sports than me

the MULTI TALENTED 

BRILLIANT 

DB

!!!

good morning watchword for today is maintain

I dreamed 

I started working at some place 

some kind of mash up

of places I've worked 

before 

& the wanted me to pick a color code

for my schedule 

which I'm not exactly clear now

what that meant

BUT 

the code I picked

was BLUE 

I'm awake 

I'm drinking coffee 

I have anxiety about going to see her

BUT 

I want to interact with 

as many of her regular team

as possible 

to make it clear 

she need to

WORK

not just lay around and feel sorry for herself 

OR

WHATEVER 

ya KNOW 

she was seeming kinda scared and rejected 

& I ASKED her if she wanted to talk about it 

even though she greeted me with 

SO

you slept til TWO 

which was neither respectful nor friendly 

BUT 

she didn't WANT to 

TALK 

she wanted to complain 

& insinuate 

that I put her in a sh*tty place on purpose 

it's a boutique nursing home 

& one of only four choices I had

which I researched 

which she didn't 

want to do on her phone in the hospital room 

I called her nurse friend 

as per her request 

& that eliminated two of the four

one was fancier and close to me

one was less fancy

& NOT 

I put those as first and second choice

in the order of closeness

because if you don't 

stop by

THEN 

maybe nobody cares

& maybe when you are a f*CKing b*tch

they then just don't try so hard

BUT 

if it looks like people 

CARE

about you

they give you more

benefit of the doubt

MAYBE it doesn't matter