Monday, April 28, 2025
I also
FAIR or not
feel LIKE
his use of the name
Biffbuff
which he called me as a child
is SLIGHTLY manipulative
I just feel very icky
& I mean maybe it's me
he & his wife own a building in NYC
that they rent out apts in
he has a MFA
can teach at a college or jr college
he has a scateboard shop
& he has a long history of working
for art auction houses
& consulting on
handling artwork
he is much more resourced that me
& I would never ask him
for anything
I'm probably the assh*le
the whole family seems to think
I'm rich because my mom
had her own business
I'm
spoiler alert
NOT
I think my gran gran may have had this as a child
OR
it's not her handwriting
she had VERY tight
PALMER script
I don't want to
make collage out of sheet music
& I don't want to give it to my
mom to make collage out of
I'd like to give it to
someone who could use it
BUT
some of it is not in good condition
I WISH
I didn't have this
I am having a
not exactly
DILEMMA
BUT
OK
I don't seem to be able to have any interaction
with Jason that is not
in some way
UPSETTING
AND
then TODAY
he learns how to use email
which he has never
used to
COMMUNICATE with me
in fact
FAIR or not
I don't FEEL like he's EVER really
TRIED to communicate with me
BUT
NOW
he needs money
& he wants me to buy his paintings
(which I'm pretty sure I can't afford)
or HELP him sell them
(to all my friends?)
OR
he can sell any
"Valuable Rare Signed books
for me that I may have for a small commission"
He has NEVER asked me anything about my
financial situation
or job
or how I get by in the world
& I think he assumes
for what reason
I am uncertain
that I have
RESOURCES
I am
KINDA
offended
that he has never had any interest in
KNOWING if I'm doing OK
or HOW I might be getting by
I'm pretty sure
every time he's talked to me in person
over the last eighteen years
that I have been
unemployed
I don't want to be all like
Jason I have nothing of value
& I'm currently going through boxes of crap
to make myself throw away the worthless
sh*t I have
I can't afford your paintings
& they make me
UNCOMFORTABLE
could you have tried to
understand me
or tried to
RELATE to ME
instead of
JUST
contacting me when you
WANT something FROM me
I don't want to
CONTACT him
I feel sort of bad about that
BUT
I feel like I'll feel
WORSE
if I do
he said he has dad's
POVERTY disease
OR something
& I'm like
I'm not sure what you're talking about
BUT
YEAH
I THINK
it wasn't so much that
I didn't
UNDERSTAND
twentieth century philosophy
as that
I maybe
wasn't that impressed with most of it
I like LOGIC just fine
BUT
I'm MORE interested in
SAYING SOMETHING
than
FIDDLING around with tweaker fine points
of what we can
MEANINGFULLY
SAY
which is WHY I prefer
I guess
APPLIED philosophy instead of
"pure" whatever
I spent a lot MORE time
on Being and Time
than the tractatus
BECAUSE
I had more CONTEXT
with Hegel, and Nietzsche, and all the
GERMAN film I studied
& trying to tease out
just how Nazi
I actually thought Heidegger was
BUT
he didn't think I understood Heidegger EITHER
TRACTATUS
is a little math-y somehow
for me
OH
from yesterday and today
I have
FIVE tall kitchen bags
of clothes
& two boxes
of like
purses and shoes and random other stuff
TOMORROW
I'm tackling a
BIG job
I've got these twenty boxes
when I was bring stuff from my mom's
& the air conditioner leaking in the
CLOSET
& what the f*CK ever else was going on
I had crap
EVERYWHERE
& I boxed stuff up
& piled it where that bookcase had been
by that chair I used to sit in
& I'm SURE
when I started
I was at LEAST marginally sorting
& throwing away
BUT
by box twenty
I'm pretty sure I was
TOAST
& I wouldn't be
SURPRISED to see gold bullion next to cat turds and a bunch of flyers for things I never wanted to do with corporate participation plaques with acorns and orphaned socks
SO
we'll SEE
what we SEE
I had
FORGOTTEN this
I liked ethics
SO MUCH
I was LIKE
this philosophy stuff might be my thing
SO
second semester
I took
METAPHYSICS
now I was not qualified to take that class
it was a junior level philosophy class
that, I'm pretty sure, had LOGIC
as a prerequisite
OR
it REALLY should have
it was NOT what I was
EXPECTING
I am not complaining about my grade
which might have been
a B or B minus even
BUT
in addition to
the class not really being
what I expected
that prof was sexist
he just was
nothing to do with me or my grade
just like whatever, ya know
BUT
I had forgotten that I thought I found philosophy
& then I said
THIS
is probably not for ME
& THEN
picked it BACK up
& SWITCHED
MAJORS
I had just switched to PAINTING
painting was a competitive department
you had to take a
certain number of semester hours
at a certain GPA
to be approved for the ART department
SO
it was like three semesters
I had forgotten
I can't remember
WHAT got me
BACK
MAYBE it was
LOGIC one
seeing doctor nelson again
BUT
I'm not SURE
I don't think at this point
that I can reconstruct what I took
like semester by semester
the guy I took logic two from
I also had for
philosophy of science-- scientific revolution
I can't remember the exact name
it was about how
in science
there are challenges to the status quo
& even with proofs
there is often A LOT of push back
but maybe it wasn't just that
because I vaguely remember
dinosaurs & the comet
Austin, logic two, Phil of science
METAPHYSICS guy
Lieber, modern philosophy
twentieth century philosophy guy
Freeland, philosophy of women, nineteenth century philosophy, images of madness in art and philosophy
Nelson, intro to ethics, logic one, I feel like I had two more classes with him I want to say political philosophy and philosophy and law-- but I may be conflating or opposite of conflating like splitting into two it was MOSTLY John Rawls
I'm not sure about
what was in what order
CHRONOLOGICALLY
the STUFF the MORE
CHAOTIC
is
QUICK--LINK
ZONE
OUT
I REALIZE
from
LIKE
an I've been waiting all day for
SOMETHING
& THIS is
WHAT you BRING me
perspective it may not SOUND like MUCH
BUT
I feel like
I WANT to say
wittgenstein
but I don't think he makes much sense here
I'm not sure
I ever properly understood wittgenstein
in fact I don't THINK my professor
thought I understood
twentieth century philosophy
BUT
he didn't seem to improve my
UNDERSTANDING
& I wasn't sure
it was me
I didn't take anymore classes from him
and
I really wanted to take
logic three
I'm rambling
this all goes back to wittgenstein
WHY are you
THINKING
about
wittgenstein
I need to sleep
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋
goodnight🫶🫶🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
Sunday, April 27, 2025
Saturday, April 26, 2025
I was trying to
PLAN tomorrow
& I got myself a little overwhelmed
I don't
UNDERSTAND
& I was
TELLING
my therapist, so I guess this is new as well
it's LIKE
it is sort of switched off
& I don't care about it
OR
it's switched on
& I really NEED it to be
LIKE THIS
BUT
there's GOTTA be more to it than that
there are
LOTS
of THINGS
that do NOT -- SATISFACTORILY -- have a place
& I'm not sure
WHY
does it get BETTER when I'm less CRAZY
less busy
less stressed
does the CHAOS reflect
inner disorder
is it executive malfunction or depression
I'm not clearly ABLE to SEE what I'm DOING
it was MOSTLY clothes in the closet
& CANVASES
the canvases stay in the closet
MOST of the CLOTHES
are going to goodwill
there is just not THAT much STUFF
NOT objectively
SO if I just
KEEP at it
I will have to
FINISH
& THEN
REGULARLY
go through
STUFF
nothing helps you throw stuff away
like saying
OH, this AGAIN
I'm starting another propaganda campaign on STUFF in my HEAD
when you're factoring in
what you have
"INVESTED"
in an item
don't forget
the ENTERTAINMENT value
of the HUNT for the item
the enjoyment you've
ALREADY had
from WEARING it
& HOW MUCH you LEARNED
ABOUT
what LOOKS GOOD on you
& WHAT you
FEEL
COMFORTABLE in
ALSO
thrifting has a CYCLE of LIFE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
