night January 21st

I was just asleep 

I had a headache and I just went to bed 

I woke up with 

contretemps prendu

in my head

the phrase, that is

BUT 

I dreamed about some house

someone was moving out of it

& it had some amazing 

decor

which was ALL

SUPER BLUE

I also dreamed 

you and I were walking 

in a slightly wooded area

you were behind me

with your arms

KINDA

wrapped around me

& I was rubbing my face

against the inside of your right bicep

it was VERY comforting 

I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

January 21st afternoon

I'm sorry 

I know this is not interesting 

BUT 

I need to talk about it 

I've been fighting to try to get them to increase her diuretics because she is hella swollen 

I have been advocating in other ways as well

BUT 

they don't seem to want to increase them

they are cutting her fluids

which ALSO works

BUT 

she doesn't 

LIKE it

SO

she's been asking for water from as many separate people as she can

SO

they can't track it

& the woman just came in to take her food orders for tomorrow 

& she's ordering double beverages for every meal

I'm LIKE 

you're on liquids restriction 

she's LIKE 

if they are REALLY monitoring it 

they won't send it

I'm LIKE 

are you REALLY trying to GAME a system that is in place for your protection 

SHE doesn't NEED to be a part of our ARGUMENT 

she says

we aren't having an argument 

I say

I'm just asking for clarification 

YOU don't NEED clarification 

she says

SO

I pack up my stuff 

SAY

I'm not coming tomorrow 

& WALK OUT 

NOW

MAYBE 

this makes me look psychotic to the dietician 

which I'm SORRY if it made her

UNCOMFORTABLE 

BUT 

WHATEVER 

MAYBE 

someone will

RESCUE her from ME 

I wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway 

I WAS planning on going 

FRIDAY 

BUT 

I'm rethinking THAT 

C*NTY McC*NTFACE is a C*NT

January 21st morning

I'm awake 

& THAT 

was no small feat

I'm showered

I'm dressed

I'm about to have

COFFEE 

I've got 

I've just seen a face

stuck in my HEAD 

& I've already decided that I'm not going tomorrow or over the weekend 

MAYBE FRIDAY 

I need to monitor her care

BUT 

my actual presence 

SEEMS 

to make her

WORK

less effectively 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

goodnight January 20th

I'm going to sleep 

I feel like I 

should

talk to the doctors

I really don't want to talk about TODAY 

it WAS 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope everything is 

BEAUTIFUL 

for you

I just saw there's a big COLD-pocalypse coming 

it looks like the BAD part is gonna be NORTH

BUT 

I still have to WORRY about the GRID

they didn't mention 

MAYBE 

it's EAST of you

January 20th mom 2

she told the OT

if you ever have a daughter 

just give her AWAY

at BIRTH

she's a toddler, basically 

January 20th

whole lot of here comes the sun this morning 

and a little bit of starry starry night 

on the Uber to the facility 

they brought her schedule 

& it starts at

ELEVEN

&

ends at 

THREE

SO

I'm in for a longer haul than I thought 

& I'm disordered/exhausted 

to start with 

UGH

she's talking to me 

gotta go

goodnight sweetheart January 19th

the case worker at the facility said 

I should really be there

tomorrow to talk to her

physical therapists

they start at 8 am

SO

I have to get up at ungodly early hours 

she was weird today

I am uncomfortable about all of this

I'm going to try to sleep 

I'm already in bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I had buddy holly in my HEAD 

TODAY 

I realized I can't go to therapy anyway 

SO

I just texted him why I can't 

BUT 

I probably still need to tell him

I'm not ready to continue 

I wish I was giving you a big hug

YOU 

are 

MAGIC 

monday January 19th

YES

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I was surprised the world still had anything to do with us after dubya & all the STUFF 

billy bragg

wrote a thing I read

about

HOW disorganized & chaotic these bad guys are

& how America is at it's 

BEST

when we're proving that we can be

aligned with our ideals

we don't always stand up for but sometimes DO

we've beaten the like of this

BEFORE 

& he got a lot of people telling him 

he's naive 

& felt the need to edit 

I was reading post edit

SO

I'm not sure what he changed

AND

I've given up thinking I can predict elections

BUT 

I don't believe 

that EVIL will triumph 

BUT 

I believe 

LESS than I EVER have 

that we ever actually 

BEAT anything 

I think we've ONLY 

MAYBE 

kept it at bay

BUT 

THIS here NOW 

is the best group of white people we've ever had

in terms of believing in IDEALS vs PARADIGM 

AGAIN 

MAYBE 

& I don't believe EVIL will win

BUT 

I've got 

DOUBT

& I wish I didn't 

BUT 

the way they are going about things

is the DUMB way

& it has given me

HOPE 

that they won't manage to pull it off

but geez 

it's a WEIRD version of HOPE