I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶☄️

👾🫚🍀🔥

I wanted to tell you

about my introduction to 

THAI food

I can't remember how old I was

the center

that had the RadioShack 

I don't remember 

what had been

in the building where the Thai place went in

BUT 

it was YEARS before the RadioShack even

THOUGHT about having PROBLEMS 

it was a block OVER

from where I 

WAITED

for the

BUS

I was already

FAMILIAR 

with chinese food

BUT 

WHAT

was THAI food

I believe that location is still a Thai restaurant 

NAME has CHANGED 

I loved the food -- I don't remember what I had

BUT, I remember thinking 

THAT SAUCE 

that sour spicy sweet liquid stuff

that's GOTTA be 

ONE of the BEST things 

EVER invented

I really LIKED some kinda

HOT POT 

that I haven't really 

NOTICED

as an adult

I've been going to Thai buffet for years

because it's cheap and easy

BUT 

they closed down

they had a fried tofu

in that sauce

& an spicy eggplant

& they had sushi

that was ok

green curry

spicy fish

they'd have other stuff

BUT 

I MISS that place

what do you call that sauce 

SO

on the ROAD 

I was like

I want to get to a specific place

& I expect it will take me

X amount of time

I feel like 

this is not just naturally 

a strength for me 

BUT 

it worked 

really well for me

I broke things down into manageable chunks

which didn't really 

ALLOW things

to become 

TOO 

OVERWHELMING 

I STARTED a little SHAKY 

BUT 

even in dallas I almost got it right 

I just missed the

EXIT 

& I was too TIRED 

& it was TOO dark

BUT 

I'm not sure 

HOW 

to

DEAL

with my mom

we were talking about 

before we ran out of TIME 

there's something 

BETWEEN 

a BOUNDARY 

& what I'm talking about 

I've ALSO 

WATCHED t*ump

SAY

some STRANGE word choices 

I THINK 

there's some 

STUFF COLLIDING in his brain

I have 

THEORIES 

BUT 

I think he came off

CREEPY 

SO

I guess I didn't SAY

NORMALLY 

we spend

TIME 

with him telling me about his stuff 

BUT 

TODAY 

I'm LIKE 

I CARE but I REALLY need to

LAUNCH 

into this

& with the security guard 

I had a headache 

I didn't SIT in

the bathroom, transitioning 

I just SAID 

I have a headache 

I have to GO

& he TOLD me 

it's the 

WEATHER 

which it probably is 

he said he's playing tennis from seven thirty to nine and it's still TOO HOT 

then I was LIKE 

OK

do I want to walk over there and get sushi

NO

the headache is becoming 

LIGHT SENSITIVE 

SO

I came home and sat in the blue light

AND

I got an overwhelming desire for 

SAAG PANEER 

& I remembered this place I ordered it from

some time back in the pandemic 

they made me choose a bread

all of them has a price

that seemed

WRONG 

BUT 

not really that big of a deal

then they didn't SEND it

I didn't NEED bread

I got the

SPECIAL basmati rice 

SMALL*

*because the small is enormous 

AND

BREAD 

with THAT is 

OVERKILL 

although, I kinda LIKE bread

I haven't watched it all yet

BUT 

charlotte and I 

used to hear him

on dr demento

on the regular 

&

I particularly liked 

his summer camp one

PROBABLY 

because I ALWAYS wanted to go to 

SUMMER CAMP 

& it was never

an option 

I wanted to go

FIND my TWIN a la 

PARENT TRAP

boarding school also sounded fun to me

TROUBLE with ANGELS 

OH

MAYBE that wasn't him

I ALWAYS thought it was, hmmmmm

I was trying to explain 

to my therapist 

you KNOW how everybody 

KNOWS what 

THEY want 

all the time

& they DON'T know what everybody else wants 

& if they DID 

they wouldn't be TOO concerned about it 

WELL 

it's like 

INTERFERENCE for me

LIKE 

on the ROAD I had all this clear

PSYCHIC STUFF 

& I'm LIKE 

WHY

is this SO CLEAR

NO interference 

I NEED a WAY

to BLOCK 

ALL the interference 

CONE of SILENCE 

SO

I can FOCUS on my

HIGH FREQUENCY VIBRATION 

therapist 

AGREES

BUT 

couldn't give me any steps

because we were 

OUT of TIME 

BUT 

HE NEVER DOES

BUT 

I'm headed in the

RIGHT direction 

MAYBE 

fitzcaraldo is not the best name for it

BENDING the world to 

MY WILL

ONLY seeing 

my OWN point of view 

I'll explain later 

I DREAMED about 

LIKE 

a fitzcaraldo body

I can't explain right now 

BUT 

I have 

ANOTHER SHADOW 

the one who relentlessly 

PUSHES

for

EVERYTHING 

to BEND

to his WILL 

BUT 

I keep him

LOCKED up 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

I'm gonna try to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀🔥🫶🫶🫶

goodnight ☄️

SO

I'm avoiding my brother 

because I don't want 

to explain my WHOLE LIFE to him

I FEEL like 

he doesn't KNOW me 

& THAT doesn't 

SO much 

HURT

as JUST within the 

CONTEXT of

ALREADY 

BUSY

FIGURING out 

HOW my operating system WORKS 

BUT 

I FEEL like 

my mom is a problem for me

I NEED her

to NOT affect me

I WANT to get AWAY from her

BUT 

there are all these reasons why THAT is problematical

& BESIDES 

I'm trying to FIX myself 

& if she still bothers me 

MAYBE I'm NOT fixed

BUT 

I FEEL like 

MAINTAINING is IMPORTANT 

SO

I'm tempted to say

ROUTINE 

BUT 

that doesn't really work 

what WORKS is

FOCUS on 

SOMETHING 

BUT 

then only that gets done

& THAT doesn't 

WORK

& SO

WHAT do I NEED

to DO

it's a LOT easier to ask the universe for

a place to LUNCH 

than to figure out what to ask 

on any RANDOM day

BUT 

I MIGHT just have to

EXPERIMENT 

SMALLER CHUNKS 

WORKS BETTER 

I FEEL like I have MADE 

SO much progress 

& I want to

MAINTAIN that progress

THAT is 

I THINK 

what I WANT to TRY to EXPLAIN 

I'm sorry this is probably not too interesting 

I just want to make the MOST 

of the therapy 

I wasn't crying 

I don't know 

I FEEL 

brain-foggy and my joints hurt

I'm happy I have therapy tomorrow 

BECAUSE 

I'm 

THINKING 

SO

THEN

HOW 

do I explain that

what's going on with me

SO

I been thinking about that TOO 

BUT 

THAT'S not the right

FREQUENCY 

SO

I've been just been 

SCATTERED 

SO

there's a NEW planet

OOPS 

I don't feel super functional 

& I'm making mistakes 

my stomach hurts 

I DID get the cat to the vet though

I DREAMED 

I MEAN 

SOME

kind of festival 

I was tasting

SAUCES 

I was ordering produce

there was a BIG 

STREET festival type THING 

I don't know what it was about 

TOMATO sauce