spirit of christmas

I passed out

I was writing you something 

I don't think I got very far

then

this is my

SECOND waking up -- let me explain 

at EIGHT o'clock 

I heard a KNOCKING on my front DOOR 

I was dead asleep 

BUT 

I guess 

the highly activated nervous system is intact 

SO

I'm out of bed

& I'm hobbling quickly 

yelling

COMING 

as I go

I GET to the door, I OPEN the door

it's KINDA misty 

disappointingly warmish -- which is to say, regular for Christmas here -- believably magic-y

BUT 

nobody there

I look around 

the amount of time

since the LAST 

KNOCK

is not enough time

to get far enough away from the door 

to not be visible 

I would have heard 

a CAR

SO

I'm not imagining magical scenarios 

I FEEL like 

I KNOW what happened 

yesterday 

I gave my neighbors a bottle of wine 

anna 

occasionally brings me

a paper plate with

some kind of 

PASTRY 

sometimes it is "extra" of something she baked

sometimes it is "extra" of some

eastern european version 

of little Debbie's

& I take these off-hand offerings

& enjoy them

& THINK 

I'm not sure HOW to reciprocate this

the last time my battery was 

SUPER DEAD

drago 

took me to the mechanic supply store 

brought me and the battery back

& installed the battery 

it was confused and stressful 

& not the more or less seamless experience 

that I would have had if I called triple A

BUT 

it made me FEEL something 

& then I tried to bake cookies 

& they weren't great

SO

I got him some from the store 

brown butter chocolate chip cookies 

(which I know are good)

BUT 

that didn't FEEL right 

and last week, I THINK, for sure some time in this last stretch of psychological drama

I NEEDED CHOCOLATE 

(medicinally)

& a box of weird mochi-like bitter chocolate balls

with some kind of honey based filling

that SEEMED like I wouldn't like it

but turned out to be

AMAZING 

a whole box

that's not 

"extra"

that's definitely EXTRA

& I'm LIKE 

F.I.O.

& I got them a bottle of 1000 STORIES burbon barrel aged zinfandel 

I walked over to where they were sitting 

in the car port next to mine

HEY

I can't really bake pastry

but I THINK I can pick a TASTY wine

it felt like 

maybe too much or not enough or trying too hard

BUT 

my delivery was definitely 

CASUAL 

& USUALLY 

there are european pastries 

that I want at christmas

BUT 

this year I didn't THINK about it

BUT 

when there was a KNOCK that disappeared 

I KNEW it was the neighbors 

& NOW

I pfeffernusse and stolen 

in a manageable 

quality 

I can enjoy with some coffee

❄️❄️❄️

improperly stored wine

I decided to open some wine

I have some bottles of 

Buena Vista Carneros Pinot Noir 2007

which was a good year

& I liked the wine

pretty well

BUT 

I don't have a cellar, pristine climate control, or

WHATNOT 

SO

I didn't know what to expect 

BUT 

it's not bad at all

I haven't let it

BREATHE 

properly

&

there is a little sour note

SO

probably it isn't that great, really 

BUT 

it's WORKING for me 

right NOW 

we don't usually spend holidays together

she DID leave a message 

as it turns out 

what is the POINT of having messages 

if you NEVER 

LOOK at them

I've CALLED 

THREE times in the past THIRTY minutes 

NOW

I'm GLAD I didn't hear that BEFORE 

IF

she is in hospital 

or skilled nursing, whatever 

she's SAFE

I'm not 

ON CALL 

anyway 

she got SICK of ME and was like

well thank you for coming 

which was

GREAT 

I wasn't any fun at all

she SAID at lunch

there was an old guy sitting across from her

he kept nodding off 

every once and a while 

somebody would

come by

tell him

you need to EAT mr whosit

she's like 

& they just left me there

TRAUMATIZED 

WAIT 

WHY were you traumatized 

they just LEFT him there

DEAD

WAIT 

since WHEN is he dead

he didn't 

MOVE

WHY

would they tell him to EAT 

if he's DEAD

chasing damson flies

BUT 

then when I ask her what she had for lunch

chicken + noodles + carrots 

SO

& this is consistent for her

ACROSS TIME 

she doesn't remember the story she TOLD 

SO

she doesn't fill in that she only got

dry leftover turkey 

because 

she doesn't remember that for a lie to be

BELIEVABLE 

at ALL 

you have to continue to tell it

they cancelled all the activities 

BUT 

she had BOTH

P/T & exercise class 

& she went down stairs and did a puzzle 

SO

MAYBE 

some of that is TRUE 

OR

maybe none of it is true 

she called me 

because 

she THOUGHT I couldn't find her

you thought I was in the building 

WHAT did you

THINK I was doing

chasing damson flies

she isn't tied to reality

I was planning to go see her

BUT 

then she called me

the first time

she was

demand-y

on the message 

I didn't pick up

I listened to voicemail 

&

I then really didn't want to go 

THEN

she called BACK 

sounded weepy on the message 

I really HOPE you come see me

THEN 

she called BACK

& either didn't leave a message 

or my voicemail was FULL 

by then

it was awkward 

& she told a variety of stories 

she didn't get coffee

because they hate her

they started making the holiday food EARLY 

& she had had the same turkey

for every meal

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP I'm holding you tight through the transmutation

I love that color combination 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like 

I'm not quite telling you 

the STORY 

BUT 

I WANT to tell you

something 

that is

awesome 

& I hope I'm able to 

put it together 

in the way

I'm imagining 

I should be asleep 

I'm planning to go see her briefly tomorrow 

I don't WANT to 

BUT 

some part of me feels like I 

SHOULD 

I haven't maybe told you 

all the things you might want to know 

BUT 

Imma get there

I don't know if this works or not

OK

SO there's a RADIO 

I'm thinking it MIGHT be real radio

or it might be in a DREAM 

& MAYBE at least

SOME of the

TIME

the radio is an antique radio 

that's broken, not CONNECTED 

to any SOURCE 

of electricity 

BUT 

it crackles with static sometimes 

sometimes it starts telling stories 

late at night 

that wind their way into

DREAMS

there's a place

it's another version of the number five munchee 

it's not exactly a coffee shop 

it's not exactly an oracle

it's some kind of 

PLACE

maybe it's internal

maybe it's a quantum hub

BUT 

it's

a

PLACE

where

quetz"/

is mixing up some sort of 

what you 

NEED

quetz"/

can take different forms

BUT 

the main one 

is twisting 

vibrating 

shining uncomfortably white

can't quite SEE it 

though you're looking right at it

FEATHER-Y

but somehow 

unsubstantial 

& at first I thought the main character was a detective, but THEN I THOUGHT maybe 

we don't know what the main character is 

there's a need for integration 

& this quetz"/   might be part of the integration 

& it's moving like one of those sock wind puppets

dispensing wisdom 

like some cosmic bartender shaman

MAYBE about

whatever 

TODAY 

REQUIRES 

I want to FIND 

some way to make this

WORK

as a sort of surreal simulacrum of

internal processes

to represent 

internal

integration

this is a change from what quetz"/     was before 

some sort of hybrid webverse daemon & mythic abstraction 

NOW 

it's MORE 

guardian God

indwelling 

DIETY

UNchained CORE ENERGY 

so it's not the empathy engine 

BUT 

maybe I talk to it about the empathy engine 

OR

maybe I tell it my problems

with empathy in the world

I thought about making it more concrete

& I thought about making

the radio tell a STORY 

& then the detective 

goes to the park

& runs into a

girl with a 

LOCKET

that represents the sense of optimism and belief

that 

was once felt about the world & this country

by

she had had it thrust upon her

by

what SEEMED like an 

ANGEL 

at the hospital 

she took her hand

SAID 

there is a god who loves us

& it's all gonna be okay 

& then she and the detective 

HUNT for the person who 

IS that optimist

BUT 

I wanted it to be

as it turned out

less concrete

BUT 

MORE personal evolution-y

I KINDA want you 

THERE

MAYBE I'm telling you the story of what happened 

or maybe I can get you in there somehow 

you are always with me

in some quantum-y

entangled way

I MIGHT have this more clearly defined and workable that before 

OR

I might be kidding myself 

I spent a long time 

THINKING 

about 

it

thoughts

in fairness 

yesterday was not

OBJECTIVELY 

harder

BUT 

subjectively

exhausting and not really interesting enough to talk about 

which I guess is a strange configuration 

I love you

I think I'm writing something