feelings

there's a feeling 

I'm feeling 

GREATFUL

but like somewhere 

BETWEEN 

thanks man

for always having my back

&

something else 

I'm finding 

HARD to

EXPRESS

romance / sports / mystery / brainteaser

LUCKY --- 

goodnight

I MEAN 

SO much random 

I was getting 

STUCK

on BAND AID commercial jingles

come Josephine in my flying machine 

NOW

I'm getting poker face

SO

WHAT does that mean 

I'm not being vulnerable enough?

THAT might NEED something 

I feel like I've been being 

vulnerable 

BUT 

I guess I didn't elaborate on 

all the ruminatory

& I think that was 

MORE because I didn't WANT to WRITE them

I'm not great at stopping 

is part of WHY

I run the 

fiddly fjords program

ya KNOW 

also though it's got the whole inner divinity thing

which KINDA reinforces

the sovereignty 

I'm always building the system

I guess

& the thing is 

I'm really 

NOT SURE 

how much of what I say actually makes sense

or I'm questioning and sensitive 

or something 

I'm not like being patronizing 

BUT 

SUDDENLY 

it seems like it could come off that way

OH

L-theanine 

bigish thoughts

valentinian gnosticism 

is interesting to me

it seems to iron out some of the 

PROBLEMS 

of earlier 

GNOSTICISM 

in a VERY elegant way

ALSO

they had this whole angle

which was

ALSO

elegant 

they were genuinely interested in 

EDUCATING people 

at a time when

people 

WANTED 

education --- which ALSO meant they were becoming the information people were taking to whatever branch of Christian they were

& then of course 

the message 

wasn't 

the

ESTABLISHMENT 

message 

SO

THEN it became necessary to preach 

AGAINST 

& THAT 

all becomes a LOT less interesting to me

BUT 

I've run up against a BIT 

I don't understand 

it's about there being 

a physical self

a soul self

a spirit self

I don't understand where is the distinction 

is it LIKE 

I'm made of meat

then I have a personality kind of thing

that's like MEMORY files of THIS experience 

MAYBE 

SEPARATE from 

what I assumed to be a SOUL which I assumed to be KINDA riding through 

MULTIPLES

of THIS sort of EXPERIENCE 

BUT 

THEN

WHAT 

is 

the SPIRIT 

I'm not SAYING 

HEY babe

I'm, like, a valentinian gnostic now

it's a fiddly little system 

but it's fiddly like fjords

& anyway 

I don't believe 

THEY

didn't THINK 

they 

KNEW 

BUT 

it isn't clear to me 

at least not from the prof's explanation 

BUT 

I really don't want to start reading 

SECONDARY 

materials

the way I'm trying to 

CONCEPTUALIZE 

although 

I'm not all together certain that I 

CAN

or actually even whether this is

CORRECT 

I THINK your SPIRIT 

is a PIECE of you

that is the

SPARK

BUT 

SOMETIMES 

it seems to be saying 

that the spark is like 

the BIT of the

ORIGINAL 

BREATH 

of LIFE 

down through the generations

cultivated, maybe 

& then

after

DEATH there's this WHOLE PROCESS 

where --- ya know how they were working on it 

you're spark bit gets rejoined with the 

ANGELIC HALF

you are brought BACK into

BALANCE 

rejoins the real god

AND

SOMETIMES 

your SPIRIT is 

MAYBE 

the PART that

has GNOSIS

& KNOWS

YOU are 

DIVINE 

these two seem opposite somehow 

in the one case it almost seems like 

it wouldn't & maybe even shouldn't 

KNOW ME 

maybe I'm wrong on that

it just seems like 

SPECIFICS

take you

CLOSER to SOUL

& SOUL

doesn't GET you to HEAVEN

BUT

if it's MY divinity

OR perhaps 

the UNDERSTANDING 

that ultimately 

I am a little 

PIECE of

heaven

do you SEE where they're 

LOSING me

anyway 

I was thinking about that stuff 

& THEN

I started dealing with 

STUFF 

& I really 

lost some ground there

the sprouts are doing good 

they require much less

attention than I was

giving them

I was over watering 

I have a bad tendency to over water

which probably comes as no 

surprise 

THEN 

I tend to force myself not to

& THEN forget entirely 

UNTIL the plant

DIES

I'm EATING these

SO I'm unlikely to forget about them

DID you KNOW 

the WHITE SOX had

a POPE HAT

give away

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dream thoughts

the first restaurant 

it doesn't seem like what I was doing 

was waitressing 

I would get an order

& it came out a slot

& I went & dumped it in this vat of something 

SO

I guess I was more like cooking it

& I don't know if I was taking it

TO

people or what

THEN

I don't remember anything about the second place except maybe I was at the wrong place 

& the last place was a swanky place

I was talking to someone official 

manager, owner, not sure

& they were talking about their 

PROBLEMS 

& I was like

OH

I'm happy to help with that

I don't think I'm much of a waitress

BUT 

I UNDERSTAND 

working a line

getting things done 

what makes you think you aren't a good waitress 

she asked

I don't think I passed the on the job experience 

at (I can't remember the restaurant name)

I was sure I didn't get all the recipes right 

since no one told me any recipes 

& I hadn't realized that was part of the job

BUT 

I didn't mention that 

because that's just an excuse 

NOT relevant 

we talked about the market niche

the restaurant filled

& she commended me on the choice

& it really seemed like

she wanted me on the team

BUT 

I really don't know what that MEANS 

check in april 12th

I feel somewhat better today 

it's raining 

orban has already conceded

I had weird dreams 

about sort of waitressing 

at three restaurants 

I slept another

like thirteen hours

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

additional thoughts

I'm going to try to sleep now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I'm not freaking you out

I read back through 

those two posts

& I'm not sure 

that they make a lot of sense 

I'm not trying to be weird 

I'm trying to let you know 

as best as I can explain 

what's going on 

in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

OR

MAYBE 

that's projection

& YOU DO ALREADY have faith 

& I'm just WORRYING about you 

to deflect my attention from me

I'm in some way

not cooperating with myself 

& I'm NOT trying to blame that on you

check in april 11th

I slept like fifteen or sixteen hours 

I needed to emotionally process 

& I feel like I do that

BETTER 

SOMETIMES 

while sleeping 

I woke up

with

baby blue

(by badfinger)

in my HEAD 

SO

maybe I've got you worried 

& that is not my intention 

I'm just trying to 

FOCUS on ME 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

rather than worrying 

TRY to have FAITH 

that I CAN

get ahold of what I 

NEED to understand  

to figure my sh*t out

if I'm focused on worrying about you 

that's not fixing my problem 

SO

it's NOT against your interest 

does that make sense