Thursday, January 22, 2026

morning after long sleep January 22nd

I was hanging out
with a guy I used to work with 
& he was saying that if I wanted friends 
I needed to be more open

I was living in my car
which was my old Buick
with kind of a box built around it

I was digging through the back seat
trying to find some pants
BECAUSE 
I was wearing a long shirt 
that kinda barely covered my butt
& we were going to
an amusement park 

there was also 
BEFORE that
some small town party
at a lodge or something & I think there was important information 
BUT 
I don't remember 

at the park there was a machine
where hot dogs were swimming 
& then you pulled it out
& SOMEHOW 
it was the best hot dog ever

which didn't make any sense & we talked about how it didn't 

then we met up with some girl I knew
who was really happy that I was OUT doing things with people 
& who thought my car house was cool
BUT 
I didn't really understand 
WHY
for either of those things

there was also a part
MAYBE before any of that

I was working for starbucks 
& I called headquarters 
& I was hesitant about what I was calling about 
I KNEW, I think 
BUT 
I wasn't articulating it fast enough 
& they're LIKE 

you must be calling in the numbers 
& I'm LIKE 

OH
I just started BACK 
after years
I don't have the numbers handy
I'm gonna have to call you back 

I wish I could remember more of the lodge

I think it was LIKE a holiday celebration or something 
musicians, and writers, creatives
& we were all running into each other
& KINDA catching up 
I think there was a group dinner
& the showing
of someone's 
MOVIE 

that I hadn't seen yet

they were all pretty nice vignettes
even the Starbucks one
although 
I can't remember why that one was so nice
I think it was KINDA 
in a beautiful resort area
& MAYBE 
some people I miss were there

NONE of it
was as VISUALLY interesting as the 
BLUE house 

& NONE of it
was as WONDERFUL as you holding ME 

& I'm SURE there was MORE I can't remember 
BUT 
it was ALL pretty good 
& I feel CALMER than when I went to sleep 

BUT 
it was at least sixteen hours of sleep 

Wednesday, January 21, 2026

night January 21st

I was just asleep 
I had a headache and I just went to bed 
I woke up with 

contretemps prendu

in my head
the phrase, that is

BUT 
I dreamed about some house
someone was moving out of it
& it had some amazing 
decor
which was ALL
SUPER BLUE

I also dreamed 
you and I were walking 
in a slightly wooded area

you were behind me
with your arms
KINDA
wrapped around me
& I was rubbing my face
against the inside of your right bicep

it was VERY comforting 

I'm going back to sleep 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
goodnight 

January 21st afternoon

I'm sorry 
I know this is not interesting 
BUT 
I need to talk about it 

I've been fighting to try to get them to increase her diuretics because she is hella swollen 

I have been advocating in other ways as well
BUT 
they don't seem to want to increase them
they are cutting her fluids
which ALSO works
BUT 
she doesn't 
LIKE it

SO
she's been asking for water from as many separate people as she can
SO
they can't track it
& the woman just came in to take her food orders for tomorrow 
& she's ordering double beverages for every meal

I'm LIKE 
you're on liquids restriction 

she's LIKE 
if they are REALLY monitoring it 
they won't send it

I'm LIKE 
are you REALLY trying to GAME a system that is in place for your protection 

SHE doesn't NEED to be a part of our ARGUMENT 
she says

we aren't having an argument 
I say
I'm just asking for clarification 

YOU don't NEED clarification 
she says

SO
I pack up my stuff 
SAY
I'm not coming tomorrow 
& WALK OUT 

NOW
MAYBE 
this makes me look psychotic to the dietician 
which I'm SORRY if it made her
UNCOMFORTABLE 
BUT 

WHATEVER 

MAYBE 
someone will
RESCUE her from ME 

I wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway 
I WAS planning on going 
FRIDAY 

BUT 
I'm rethinking THAT 

C*NTY McC*NTFACE is a C*NT

January 21st morning

I'm awake 
& THAT 
was no small feat

I'm showered
I'm dressed
I'm about to have
COFFEE 

I've got 
I've just seen a face
stuck in my HEAD 

& I've already decided that I'm not going tomorrow or over the weekend 

MAYBE FRIDAY 

I need to monitor her care
BUT 
my actual presence 
SEEMS 
to make her
WORK
less effectively 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 
I hope you are having a beautiful day 

Tuesday, January 20, 2026

goodnight January 20th

I'm going to sleep 
I feel like I 
should
talk to the doctors

I really don't want to talk about TODAY 
it WAS 


I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope everything is 
BEAUTIFUL 
for you

I just saw there's a big COLD-pocalypse coming 

it looks like the BAD part is gonna be NORTH
BUT 
I still have to WORRY about the GRID
they didn't mention 
MAYBE 
it's EAST of you


January 20th mom 2

she told the OT
if you ever have a daughter 
just give her AWAY
at BIRTH

she's a toddler, basically 


January 20th

whole lot of here comes the sun this morning 

and a little bit of starry starry night 
on the Uber to the facility 

they brought her schedule 
& it starts at
ELEVEN
&
ends at 
THREE

SO
I'm in for a longer haul than I thought 
& I'm disordered/exhausted 
to start with 
UGH

she's talking to me 
gotta go