long talk gotta sleep

when I'm stressed

or too think-y 

I have two things that I love to listen to 

handpan drumbs

& RAIN 

they both

resonate 

wash through me with sound

when I was trying to decide what the vibration 

of ME is

when I heard the mbira

felt resonant 

then I found this thing

it's a lot of different SOUNDS 

it's a very resonant kalimba with the rattle board

& I don't know if it's songwriting instrument 

I just know that if playing an instrument 

every day was a THING 

THAT'S 

the one I want to play

it might be

PURELY 

ceremonial 

maybe it's meditation 

maybe it's therapy 

there's a physical-ness to the playing of it

I'm pretty beginner I just got a ten key

which might be limiting 

it's in pentatonic g

which as it turns out

is mostly the same notes on the handpan

I figure nothing I do would sound terrible 

I learn what I like

I'll be able to put together 

combinations that I like

nothing says

it has to be a rapid succession of notes

especially with the wa wa factor

it's only got two not four

of the bottle cap resonators

so I hope that doesn't lose too much of the 

RAIN sound

it's pretty compact

it's LIKE 

eight 

by

slightly less than four

when I was really little

I had bongos

I don't know where they came from

& I'm not saying that I 

COULD 

play the bongos 

at ANY point

BUT 

I know the way you need to move your wrist

to get the SOUND 

I LIKE 

right

I had a thing for tambourines

there was a certain sound

& of course 

you can use the wrist thing

the reason I have

the collection 

is about

certain sounds 

I find soothing 

& about the whole shamanic trance thing

I'm not sure if I've got good 

ENOUGH 

rhythm

I KNOW in ballet

the teacher

would try

to get us to tell her what the time was 

& I don't know what my problem was 

but I just could not put that together 

three four time

four four time

or

something 

I feel like

maybe I slide off beat somehow 

maybe my attention wanders

the walking on tip toes

MIGHT 

be autism

the SPINNING 

might

have been

STIMMING 

those where the things that led to the conclusion 

dance lessons 

BUT 

I loved dance

& I got it all twisted up with

BALLERINA 

BUT 

it was about

FEELING 

ENERGY 

in a particular way

& I can't spin anymore, REALLY 

I need to move the energy through my body

there's some way

that I need to

GROUND 

myself 

I

think I may be connecting things

that might seem

unconnected

I need to sleep 

I wasn't gonna stay up

so late tonight 

BUT 

my cat got out

& I couldn't sleep until he came back

then I got started

I feel like I 

might not be speaking in a way that

makes SENSE 

I feel like 

I'm speaking some kind of shorthand maybe 

that has to be deciphered 

I'm not trying to do that

I dreamed for a long time & it seemed like 

I was really working through stuff 

I came away with this 

WEIRD 

I want to call it awareness 

of like some kind of processing upgrade

like solid body something 

where the thing doesn't need spaces

it runs cooler

I'm not sure what I'm talking about 

at any rate

I didn't get up till evening 

I'm all turned around 

which probably 

isn't good 

or

maybe 

it is

more thoughts

I am also

LEGITIMATELY 

fascinated by plate tectonics 

I have watched people's eyes go dull

listening to me try to explain it 

BUT 

I love all that earth stuff 

it's LIKE 

those

TOWEL MACHINES 

they had when I was a kid

the plates do THAT*

they come out

in the DEEP OCEAN

USUALLY 

*they don't really because they aren't connected it's more of a free floating situation, but there is subducting on the other end and that seems like the same thing to my child brain that delighted in machines I embarrassed my aunt joan one time because I wanted coins for the tampon machine I was obsessed with putting coins in gumball machines.  remember gumball machines?

test, it wasn't letting me post yesterday, I tried a bunch of times -- so I figured whatever I was saying wasn't supposed to be seen for some reason -- this test posted & then I wrote this -- let's see if it posts

my point

was

NOT 

that it was too math-y

my point

was that I couldn't concentrate on 

what was going on

in the class

UNTIL

I understood 

GRAVITY 

SO

I had to go and get an

ISAAC ASIMOV

BOOK

that explained astro- physics 

to people who weren't 

MATH-y

& I gotta admit 

EVEN THAT

was pretty tough going

BUT 

I DID feel like

I had a grasp

BUT 

I wasn't gonna be able to keep up

SO

I did end up dropping 

BUT 

it didn't make me less interested

it just made me understand 

my limitations 

& none of this

is about my bowling average

I'm still talking about

HOW I move through the WORLD 

check in may 9th

BIG 

move forward 

on the neck and shoulder 

BODY 

whatever 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart