I probably shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I wish we were

HIGH

in a really comfortable bed

in a cool hotel room 

SNOGGING 

thoughts January 27th

well

the earlier and through mid-afternoon 

part of today

I got texts and phone calls

from possibly people trying to reach my mom

BECAUSE 

when she checked herself in to the REHAB facility

she ONLY gave them my phone number 

& I guess she didn't bother to correct it

when she was setting everything up 

SO

EVERYBODY is trying to reach ME

SO

the people who texted

I'm LIKE 

WRONG number 

BUT 

the one who called I let go to voicemail 

& for some reason it wouldn't show the number

USUALLY it would 

SO

I texted & called her case worker 

& SAID 

could you please make sure everyone has HER number 

THEN

I texted her

BUT 

I decided since she was supposed to confirm stuff TODAY I would call her

SO

I called her & SAID 

HEY

you need to call everyone and give them

YOUR number 

you only gave the hospital mine

PEOPLE are calling to confirm stuff

she's LIKE 

can't you just give them

my number 

NO

they called voicemail 

didn't leave a number & I couldn't bring it up 

then I hung up

THEN

I spent some time 

grappling with

WHAT

I might be willing to do 

& how long a transition 

& WHY I'm so fixated on keeping her safe

whether it all just comes down to 

CONDITIONING 

OR

societal norms

& THEN

I ordered pizza

DRANK margaritas

& watched stand-up comedy 

Ali Wong x2, Trevor Noah, Fortune Feimster

I'm trying to remember the wording

something about 

SOUL contracts

& coming through the other side

lessons you sent yourself 

here to learn

additional thoughts January 27th

THIS 

was the conversation I had with my mother 

BEFORE we went to the ER 

after she did her FIRST 

what I believe to be

FAKE FALL 

I was making her walk around with a walker

& get up and down out of her chair 

TRYING to get her to STRENGTHEN her legs

& trying to access her condition 

which honestly SEEMED FINE 

I thought it was a LARGELY psychosomatic 

reaction to the stress of making a decision about the heart surgery that was looming 

she had an appointment with the surgeon 

I TOLD her AGAIN 

BECAUSE 

she was being very closed mouthed about her

FEAR

but very LOUD about how she wasn't 

willing to do what I was trying to 

get her to DO

to build her strength back up

EXCERPT --

what I've been trying to do here

is rebuild our relationship 

you can't do anything about what happened in the past, but you CAN CHANGE what you do from here on out

I never look at my life and say

I WISH this or that had happened 

NOT REALLY 

because I ALWAYS do the best I can with the information and abilities I have in the situation 

I LIKE who I AM

& I wouldn't CHANGE who I AM

& I wouldn't BE this person 

if things had happened 

DIFFERENTLY 

SO

I'm NOT saying 

I want you to have been different in the PAST

BUT 

I HAVE been trying to HEAL THINGS 

& THIS TIME 

is what we have LEFT 

SO

WHAT DO you WANT to DO with the rest of your LIFE -- what would the EXTRA time you might get from the surgery mean to you

WHAT would you DO with it 

& do you have 

ANYTHING 

you want to talk about 

hangover January 27th

I dreamed 

I was in some KINDA cool place

there were people who 

dressed in fun & interesting ways

there were places to go 

things to do

& people were mostly young and friendly and open minded

wherever this place was

it was just immediately great

& people worked together on even the smallest things

in a way that caught my attention 

& didn't really make sense to me 

UNTIL 

I realized 

periodically 

we had to run away from monsters

I don't know what kind of monsters

& I don't really remember the specifics & details 

AND

TODAY

I feel 

different 

I'm having an emotion

that I can't quite 

quantify

I've really been trying though

it's related to the realization 

that there isn't any love in there at all

NOTHING strong enough to counter-balance

my unwilling-ness to CAVE to HER gaping NEED

to control me

it's closest to when I found out 

there were NO native americans in my family tree

THAT

KINDA broke me

THAT felt like

finding out you're a REPLICANT

this doesn't feel like THAT 

not that INTENSE 

BUT 

it IS pretty disorientating 

LIKE 

I knew she didn't love me

I KNEW she didn't think of me as HUMAN 

I knew it

BUT 

SOMEHOW 

I guess I didn't know it ENOUGH 

& I'm STILL surprised 

ONE THING she SAID that's running through my HEAD right now:

I thought I was a GOOD mother

I thought I RAISED you RIGHT

maybe I wasn't as good as I THOUGHT 

MY MOTHER was VERY CONTROLLING 

& I didn't want to be like HER

SO

I GUESS 

MAYBE 

I went TOO FAR in the OTHER DIRECTION 

she is LITERALLY 

TELLING ME 

that 

MY ONLY 

LIFE OPTION 

is to become her

CAREGIVER 

& she will no longer do for herself 

ANYTHING 

& that she will NOT listen to my

HELP

or ADVICE 

or DIRECTION 

that ANY system I try to set up for her

for her protection 

she will try to

THWART

& the ONLY way I can maintain it

is to watch her like a hawk

& then she will be verbally abusive to me 

THAT

is her definition of 

TOO LENIENT 

update January 26th

my mom's case manager called me back 

I called her at nine thirty & left another message 

she didn't call back until noonish 

I told her my thoughts again 

& then she went to talk to my mom

she didn't call back until 

four forty-five 

SO

I'm SURE she helped my mom with her 

healthcare choices

BUT 

she's LIKE 

I have mom here on speaker phone

mom is going home with home health 

I'm LIKE 

& she's got transportation 

yes we arranged that

that's great I say

thank you very much 

mom says nothing 

she still hasn't texted me

& I'm getting excited that she might have quit me

although I suspect 

I won't be that lucky

I also suspect there could be issues 

that my mom didn't mention 

or plan for

& I'm not sure what problems could arise 

then a few minutes later 

her case worker calls me

thinking it's my mom

because THAT is the ONLY phone number 

any of these people seem to have 

I give her the right number 

I give the physical therapy people her number 

this evening has been quite 

January 26th

AND

if I am tempted to feel BAD 

I'm reminding myself 

when my therapist's mother

who he SUPER loved

was

DYING 

they asked her where she wanted to go for her final less than a month

&

she said 

she wanted to spend it in her daughter's 

guest room looking out over the water

these are rich people 

with resources to 

HIRE care

she wasn't being asked to be a caregiver 

just make her guest room available 

& she said

NO

you don't LIVE HERE 

which I thought

was cruel 

BUT 

none of them thought it was even unusual 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

MIGHT get a call at NINE

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP