2/6-7 notes

I'm in a weird-ish place today 

I'm really grateful for

the amount I have

been able to

GROW

in THIS period 

where I KINDA lost my mind a little bit 

I'm not certain 

HOW 

sane I am at this point 

I FEEL like 

I experience THINGS in a strange way 

& I'm not SURE 

if I'm supposed to MAKE that

MORE concrete

AM I too DISTANT 

TOO in my HEAD 

or is THAT exactly HOW I'm supposed to be 

& I JUST need to figure out how I fit in

I FEEL like I've changed a LOT 

I FEEL like the DIRECTION 

is MORE OUTSIDE 

more nature

MORE 

ONE with the UNIVERSE 

& I'm looking around wondering

can I sell any of this stuff 

WILL I sell any of it

I don't know the answer 

I WANT 

a very minimalist 

VIBE 

BUT 

I also have stuff that I'm pretty attached to

 

OR

am I 

goodnight status update

no alcohol yesterday or today 

no ibuprofen yesterday or today 

the knees are doing pretty good 

I'm going to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I had a part in the mission statement thing-y 

-- I do not let myself be pulled away from what nourishes me --

I wonder if

-- I crave what nourishes me --

isn't a better direction 

I don't -- seems a bit negative --

I'm not a huge fan of crave

it's a little cupcake chain-y for me

I don't dislike it as much as

COMFORTABILITY

goodnight sweetheart 

night thoughts

at some point 

I had a song stuck in my HEAD 

I was trying to describe it to you, I think, but I don't think I did a good job 

& I couldn't find it 

well

I heard it today 

& my phone 

told me

classical gas 

I can't remember the context

there's this negative thing I do

I get irritated and biased 

& I say mean things

mostly 

in my HEAD 

EXCEPT 

for the screaming at the television 

THAT

is aloud

BUT 

the person I'm saying it to

can't hear me

I think I at least almost always know that I'm doing the negative thing 

& SOMETIMES it 

becomes

my ridiculous 

"they are SO whatever whatever"

about someone every other person on earth likes

HUGELY FAMOUS 

JUST for whatever reason set my teeth on edge

SOMETIMES 

I get overly critical of something 

in a "what, am I supposed to be impressed"

with something 

that I normally do or would like 

& again it's really just 
MOOD

BUT 

this kind doesn't usually 

SET IN

when the mood is gone 

I am usually able to see whatever it is 

OBJECTIVELY 

& SOMETIMES 

I think 

I'm just being dismissive

of something 

to keep from getting attached

or whatever 

when I'm negative with myself 

it's pretty brutal 

negative self talk

I'd say that is the one that

is most trouble for me

& I feel like 

I'm not really doing it 

CURRENTLY 

maybe I'm 

going easy on myself 

notes on a walk

going for a walk 

is really helpful I guess it's that touch grass thing

and the movement meditation 

and whatever else 

it doesn't help to practice scenarios for the future or to ruminate on the past

ya just gotta 

HAVE the ADVENTURE 

the stuff that GETS you is NEVER what you THINK 

and SURE part of THAT 

is the SAME thing as WHY it's always the LAST place you LOOK because 

--  WHEN 

you FIND it 

you QUIT looking 

I WATCHED 

the REFLECTION 

of a TREE

LONG ENOUGH that I was SURE I could 

DESCRIBE 

it didn't dance or bob or shimmer or undulate

there was MOVEMENT 

ACROSS the 

SURFACE 

of the pool

the TREE 

didn't move

the image 

CHANGED

by the COLORS of the environment 

the BLUE of the pool

the GOLD of the

LIGHT 

the TREE washed out -- ABSTRACTED 

SEEMED 

PROJECTED

onto 

metallic 

GLOW

& I started to match an artist or style

THEN

I remembered being held down 

trying to get to the surface

deborah was angry

NO

had forgotten about 

THAT

weren't we on a

BE HERE 

NOW

I breathed

I watched

I noticed 

my shoulders were reasonably low

goodnight sweetheart

I think I should try to sleep 

the light shines through the leaves

to sometimes make a pattern

on my window 

I look at that

every morning 

BEFORE 

screens

that makes me happy 

& rolling on my left side -- I tend to end up on my right -- & there are some physiological benefits 

-- I forget exactly what 

that makes me happy 

LOTS of 

little things 

make me happy 

I'm trying to notice, EXPAND

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

apartment walk

I ALSO 

really enjoy

TEXTURE 

I walked around my apartments again 

something asked me

HOW 

do you want to 

FEEL 

someone has

wisteria 

& butterflies

there's a wind chime I wanna call it grotto -- but I'm almost certain that is wrong 

and there's a stone circle

in this little courtyard 

there was a fountain once upon a time 

NOW

there is an assortment of plants

LIKE 

I got a plant it needs more light and there's this not doing anything else wall 

last time they were all dead 

we had frost

this time

people had put out some silk flowers

garden decorations -- dragonfly, hummingbird 

there's a motley assortment of chairs 

LIKE 

there's an evening hangout 

in the grove*

*and here I'm really taking some artistic license because although it does have a grove-ish vibe actually contains only one albeit giant tree

thoughts

I saw a video 

talking about japanese practices 

to increase joy

& the first one was

LIGHT 

& I'm LIKE 

the light through the trees

picking back up a thread

I've been thinking about 

ROOMS

when I was in edinburgh I stayed in this

BED & BREAKFAST 

it was one of those when it was a trend, I think 

ANYWAY the regular bedrooms were

all UPSTAIRS 

BUT 

I was in this LIKE I wanna call it a RUMPUS room 

---- but I'm not really sure that's right 

there was a sink

& a kettle 

I HAD

BEEN gonna go

on a HAUNTED walking tour

BUT 

then I saw the room

& I wanted to stay

IN

drink tea 

watch bad 

-- mostly american television --

since the bedrooms were upstairs 

I had the downstairs 

bathroom 

to myself 

not too talk-y though

I spent today 

FEELING grateful 

thoughts

I ALSO 

thought about the BLOOD 

& your shifting 

AWARENESS 

it impressed me 

I didn't mention 

BUT 

I'm gonna try to share a story with you 

as a resonance*

*need a better word for this

when I was in the maybe third grade

I used to walk across the bar parking lot barefoot 

there was broken glass

BUT it was pretty 

BROKEN 

DOWN 

& I had faith in my calluses 

my dad would send me to buy cigarettes 

this particular time

I had bottles

to return 

for

deposit 

ONLY 

when I was putting them in or whatever 

I DROPPED them

& I guess they cut my FEET some

& I was trying to figure out 

if I was in TROUBLE 

should I 

clean it up -- what should I do 

the lady at the cash register 

came OVER and 

FREAKED out 

& it TOOK me a WHILE 

before I figured out 

that she was 

FREAKING OUT 

because I was 

possibly 

injured 

& THAT

SEEMED 

really

WEIRD 

to 

ME 

& I was LIKE oh yeah -- don't even worry about it

it's just a flesh wound 

maintaining

I decided today was another 

MAINTAIN 

day

I feel like I did a MUCH BETTER job 

BUT 

I THINK 

there's a WAY 

THIS is a 

HUMAN milestone

SHIFT

&

I was thinking how funny it is

that I go about 

LIFE

SO -- differently --

& HOW MUCH SENSE do I even make 

I've got new awareness of 

RISING AWARENESS 

of blindspots

or

something 

there's a VERY critical VOICE in my HEAD 

& PART of the mission statement 

is -- 

-- I am OPEN for ABUNDANT 

love, luck & happiness 

I am CLOSED to NEGATIVITY 

-- and NOW I think -- although it wasn't my PLAN --

I'm going to be addressing 

MY negativity