ANXIETY & RAGE

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I'm freaking out a little bit 

my mom 

who I'm not going to SEE, but I did call

SOUNDS a little sharper

BUT 

she didn't have them put her in the chair 

& she had them turn off the TV 

RIGHT AFTER I left

I'm LIKE 

when you sleep all the time 

you get loopy

& you come across as

SENILE 

if you get pegged as senile

you are gonna end up 

SOMEPLACE 

you don't want to be 

PULL it TOGETHER 

I know she's depressed 

not equipped to deal with living in reality 

AT ALL

not doing well with the 

FACING her MORTALITY 

I'm LIKE 

check if they have a counselor or something 

failing THAT 

have them take you to services tomorrow 

I'm SURE they'll do THAT 

She's NOT senile

she's having an existential crisis 

BUT 

she has to DO this

nobody can 

FIX her life

for her

MAYBE 

a mental hospital 

would be more appropriate 

BUT 

I doubt that is what the social worker wants to talk to me about 

I'm not feeling terrified

I don't have a good feeling about how this is going down

BUT 

not terrified

it was a rough day

I am expressing my 

RAGE to my mother 

I don't know if that's good or not

BUT 

I'm just KINDA letting whatever comes up 

come up

BUT 

she's acting weird 

she just wants to sleep 

& she's avoiding 

getting up

like she'll do whatever physical therapy 

they MAKE her do

BUT 

she doesn't want to 

get wheeled down to the common area

& I'm LIKE 

I don't care if you

WANT to interact or not

when you sleep all the time 

you get dozy & disoriented 

you NEED to FOCUS 

you NEED to PULL it TOGETHER 

& COMMIT

to your recovery 

you aren't in a nursing home 

you are in a skilled nursing facility to REHAB 

do you want to end your life the way

shirley did

if you don't LOOK at me

RIGHT NOW 

& SAY something 

that makes me 

BELIEVE 

that you are committed to fighting for your

RECOVERY 

I'm going to turn on the TV and leave it on when I leave

she was not convincing 

as I walked out of the room 

I'm LIKE 

I can't make you

STAY AWAKE 

BUT 

I CAN 

make it harder to sleep

I went out and talked to her nurse 

we had talked already 

don't let her give you any crap

she was living alone

she was driving herself around 

playing with her little stock market stuff 

she's in some kinda FUNK

& when she just sleeps

she gets loopy

& seems

incoherent 

she NEEDS to interact 

she NEEDS to move around 

if you can get her to go eat in the common area

THAT would be GREAT

I'm f*CKing exhausted 

& I kinda want to 

THRASH her

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I really need to sleep 

I'm not going 

the weekend 

I NEED 

to decompress 

YAY!!! (edited) how could I leave out the MOST important part -- who knows more about sports than me

the MULTI TALENTED 

BRILLIANT 

DB

!!!

good morning watchword for today is maintain

I dreamed 

I started working at some place 

some kind of mash up

of places I've worked 

before 

& the wanted me to pick a color code

for my schedule 

which I'm not exactly clear now

what that meant

BUT 

the code I picked

was BLUE 

I'm awake 

I'm drinking coffee 

I have anxiety about going to see her

BUT 

I want to interact with 

as many of her regular team

as possible 

to make it clear 

she need to

WORK

not just lay around and feel sorry for herself 

OR

WHATEVER 

ya KNOW 

she was seeming kinda scared and rejected 

& I ASKED her if she wanted to talk about it 

even though she greeted me with 

SO

you slept til TWO 

which was neither respectful nor friendly 

BUT 

she didn't WANT to 

TALK 

she wanted to complain 

& insinuate 

that I put her in a sh*tty place on purpose 

it's a boutique nursing home 

& one of only four choices I had

which I researched 

which she didn't 

want to do on her phone in the hospital room 

I called her nurse friend 

as per her request 

& that eliminated two of the four

one was fancier and close to me

one was less fancy

& NOT 

I put those as first and second choice

in the order of closeness

because if you don't 

stop by

THEN 

maybe nobody cares

& maybe when you are a f*CKing b*tch

they then just don't try so hard

BUT 

if it looks like people 

CARE

about you

they give you more

benefit of the doubt

MAYBE it doesn't matter 

dream time

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

little memories

my father was very vain

he was always looking in the mirror 

& he started going bald

very young

& he was

WEIRD 

about 

it

after the doctor had said that to me

maybe not right after, but generally 

my dad told me this big story

I think he was trying to 

EXPLAIN 

bulimia 

to me

not the best day ever

I don't feel good 

about today 

I went to the skilled nursing facility 

which is in a nursing home 

a really nice nursing home 

which she HATES 

it was WEIRD energy 

everybody else was super nice

I do feel like I need to go tomorrow 

although I really don't want to 

BUT 

then I have to take the weekend off at least 

this person 

who told me her name but I'm terrible at names 

SO I FORGOT 

but she said she was a supervisor 

THRUST 

this packet of paperwork AT ME

I read through it 

& I don't understand HOW this FITS 

with what I was TOLD at the hospital 

BUT 

I understand that if I sign any piece of THAT 

I'm legally liable for moneys 

supervisor was gone

I turned to my mom

I'm LIKE 

I can read this to you

you can read it yourself 

OR

we can get her in here to explain it to you 

BUT 

I ain't signin' sh*t

I don't have power of attorney 

& I don't have access to 

your money

SO

THIS 

is YOUR paperwork 

I filled in the information lines

good morning sweetheart

OK

well 

I listened to that song

& now it's stuck in my HEAD 

& it's TOO bouncy

& HAPPY 

to cry

SO

I guess I'm better

BUT 

I might still need to cry

MAYBE in the shower 

the extra sleep doesn't seem to have fixed me

I slept twelve hours 

I dreamed a BUNCH of stuff I can't remember 

although I DID have one dream

where I was taking a college 

class -- maybe I had taken it before 

MAYBE 

I was checking to see if I still had

the mental capacity 

OR

SOMETHING 

BUT 

there was a guy there

maybe it was you

& we were discussing the paper

& it was due in like six days

& we were like

maybe we should start on it -- ha ha

& then the professor 

came up to me

& wanted me to make some other student 

SEE something 

he opened the door 

there was a guy

sitting at the end of a long table full of people 

& he had like a jewelry making set up

& he had this case set up

that blocked him off

from the other people 

it was LARGELY glass

or possibly plexiglass 

SO 

it was SEE-THROUGH

& the prof could not explain it 

in a way that this guy

could SEE it

BUT 

for some reason 

I just pointed things out

in relation to 

people 

& he got it right away 

I don't know what that means 

& I'm EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL 

I'm not sure WHY

maybe just

overwrought 

BUT 

I saw two sad cat videos 

& my little monster 

stratched me

& I'm done

I'm having to work to hold back tears

MAYBE 

I should JUST 

CRY

I'm a wreck