late late night/morning

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I dream about you 

TONIGHT 

not interested in "best daughter" prize January 22/23 late thursday early friday

I went to the store 

BOUGHT extra WATER 

& STUFF 

people behaving badly 

empty shelves

then I filled up my gas tank

then I said wtf and went to spec's & bought

TEQUILA 

I'm going to my mom's apartment tomorrow 

check her mail

leave the water drip

turn on the heater to idk forty-five, maybe 

it's currently completely OFF

I MIGHT drive her car

I might drive mine some more

I contemplated

should I go check in with the doctors

or therapists

& here's where I came down

I don't want to see her

if she isn't willing to do what she can to help herself with the fluid retention 

& I do not have ANY BUSINESS even asking her

THEN

I guess I don't need to be getting up

& dragging myself down there

wearing out my knees

stressing myself 

worrying about 

trying to do

WHAT I can to move the needle 

she's SAFE there

& she'll do MORE for the therapists if she's not 

showing ME how decrepit she is

SO

I don't SEE any compelling reason to go

for her benefit 

& I don't WANT to 

SO

NOT GOING 

then of course it won't be safe to go 

saturday, sunday, or monday 

BECAUSE 

ICE

stay home UNLESS you HAVE to be there 

& I don't 

maybe she'll freak out 

MAYBE she won't notice

it makes no difference to me 

thoughts January 22nd

on my facebook it had one of those

on this day thing-y

ABOUT 

how my mom USED to TELL people 

& I just realize 

NOT 

JUST GUYS

how I was eleven

& she was thirteen when she had me

UNTIL I was

SIXTEEN 

& that I was trying to EXPLAIN 

that she was JUST 

MAKING herself 

SOUND

like a slut

BUT 

I think I see NOW 

she was

FLIRTING 

& perhaps 

TRYING to be

FUNNY 

& getting a RISE out of me

I'm not sure WHY I was saying that on January 22nd 2014 or whatever

BUT 

I hadn't thought about that in a while 

morning after long sleep January 22nd

I was hanging out

with a guy I used to work with 

& he was saying that if I wanted friends 

I needed to be more open

I was living in my car

which was my old Buick

with kind of a box built around it

I was digging through the back seat

trying to find some pants

BECAUSE 

I was wearing a long shirt 

that kinda barely covered my butt

& we were going to

an amusement park 

there was also 

BEFORE that

some small town party

at a lodge or something & I think there was important information 

BUT 

I don't remember 

at the park there was a machine

where hot dogs were swimming 

& then you pulled it out

& SOMEHOW 

it was the best hot dog ever

which didn't make any sense & we talked about how it didn't 

then we met up with some girl I knew

who was really happy that I was OUT doing things with people 

& who thought my car house was cool

BUT 

I didn't really understand 

WHY

for either of those things

there was also a part

MAYBE before any of that

I was working for starbucks 

& I called headquarters 

& I was hesitant about what I was calling about 

I KNEW, I think 

BUT 

I wasn't articulating it fast enough 

& they're LIKE 

you must be calling in the numbers 

& I'm LIKE 

OH

I just started BACK 

after years

I don't have the numbers handy

I'm gonna have to call you back 

I wish I could remember more of the lodge

I think it was LIKE a holiday celebration or something 

musicians, and writers, creatives

& we were all running into each other

& KINDA catching up 

I think there was a group dinner

& the showing

of someone's 

MOVIE 

that I hadn't seen yet

they were all pretty nice vignettes

even the Starbucks one

although 

I can't remember why that one was so nice

I think it was KINDA 

in a beautiful resort area

& MAYBE 

some people I miss were there

NONE of it

was as VISUALLY interesting as the 

BLUE house 

& NONE of it

was as WONDERFUL as you holding ME 

& I'm SURE there was MORE I can't remember 

BUT 

it was ALL pretty good 

& I feel CALMER than when I went to sleep 

BUT 

it was at least sixteen hours of sleep 

night January 21st

I was just asleep 

I had a headache and I just went to bed 

I woke up with 

contretemps prendu

in my head

the phrase, that is

BUT 

I dreamed about some house

someone was moving out of it

& it had some amazing 

decor

which was ALL

SUPER BLUE

I also dreamed 

you and I were walking 

in a slightly wooded area

you were behind me

with your arms

KINDA

wrapped around me

& I was rubbing my face

against the inside of your right bicep

it was VERY comforting 

I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

January 21st afternoon

I'm sorry 

I know this is not interesting 

BUT 

I need to talk about it 

I've been fighting to try to get them to increase her diuretics because she is hella swollen 

I have been advocating in other ways as well

BUT 

they don't seem to want to increase them

they are cutting her fluids

which ALSO works

BUT 

she doesn't 

LIKE it

SO

she's been asking for water from as many separate people as she can

SO

they can't track it

& the woman just came in to take her food orders for tomorrow 

& she's ordering double beverages for every meal

I'm LIKE 

you're on liquids restriction 

she's LIKE 

if they are REALLY monitoring it 

they won't send it

I'm LIKE 

are you REALLY trying to GAME a system that is in place for your protection 

SHE doesn't NEED to be a part of our ARGUMENT 

she says

we aren't having an argument 

I say

I'm just asking for clarification 

YOU don't NEED clarification 

she says

SO

I pack up my stuff 

SAY

I'm not coming tomorrow 

& WALK OUT 

NOW

MAYBE 

this makes me look psychotic to the dietician 

which I'm SORRY if it made her

UNCOMFORTABLE 

BUT 

WHATEVER 

MAYBE 

someone will

RESCUE her from ME 

I wasn't planning on going tomorrow anyway 

I WAS planning on going 

FRIDAY 

BUT 

I'm rethinking THAT 

C*NTY McC*NTFACE is a C*NT

January 21st morning

I'm awake 

& THAT 

was no small feat

I'm showered

I'm dressed

I'm about to have

COFFEE 

I've got 

I've just seen a face

stuck in my HEAD 

& I've already decided that I'm not going tomorrow or over the weekend 

MAYBE FRIDAY 

I need to monitor her care

BUT 

my actual presence 

SEEMS 

to make her

WORK

less effectively 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope you are having a beautiful day