Thursday, April 23, 2026

I'm supposed to have an extra good luck day tomorrow my horoscope said buy a lottery ticket

OK
I am in a weird place
& I'm not sure
WHY
or how long I've been here

I feel a strong desire to apologize for being 
TEDIOUS 

BUT 
that SEEMS contrary
to what I'm trying to achieve 

SO
MAYBE 
that's a good illustration of one of my issues 

I can SEE how
the experience of ME 
in my FULL confusing me-ness
MIGHT be 
LIKE 
a bit MUCH 

& I want to acknowledge 
that I KNOW that

I listened to my aunt joan telling me all the problems with edith

for years
I listened and I did
WHATEVER 
it is that I DO

in my personal belief 
that's not really 
FAIR to a
KID

BUT 
it comes naturally to me, I guess 
SO
maybe I started it, ya know

it was f*cking her up pretty good 

& I TOLD her 
she should JUST stop

& she explained to me that I was a monster

& I guess I thought about that too

BUT 
I'm not saying 
I'm sorry for being the way I am
& I'm not forcing you to 
deal with me

BUT 
I'm a little over how long everything takes
I'm commiserating 
I had to stop
LOOK 
at what I've gone through 
be a little BIT impressed

BUT 
I'm all over the place

& last night
I thought I felt you quantum entangled 

& then I had this whole
FILM portal thing

like the beatles
thing

& I thought I had a THING 
but then I second guessed my mind meld
& freaked out

& THAT is what THAT was ABOUT 

AND
this voice in my HEAD 
KEEPS yelling 

DANDELION 

Wednesday, April 22, 2026

check in april 22nd

I wasn't trying to make that
HEAVY
or about you
I just don't know how much SENSE I make
I know you understand 
some of what I'm talking about 

don't let my
self questioning 
spill over into some kind of criticism of you
I don't mean it like that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sleep is really good

the barbarella experience thing
is somehow like that
machine thing
I don't really remember exactly 

like it was an organ
MAYBE 
& it was gonna
KILL
her with pleasure 
or something 

well
it was not like that
obviously 

but that's the thing that came to MIND 
to describe it SEE 

BUT 
then I realize
I might not remember the 
SAME part you'd 
remember 
& SO

I guess I just didn't want to have 
to feel like I was doing 
EVERYTHING 

& I'm making it WEIRD so I'll stop

sleep is good

the skincare squad is threatening to quit
they have been working 
miracles
BUT 
the part of me that picks
is just using that as an excuse 
to pick more

I was walking across the parking lot 
from my car to the vet
NO
I was walking 
FROM 
the vet --- picking up a prescription 
& I CAUGHT something 
out of the corner of 
my EYE
I
looked
UP
& there was an enormous 
LIKE 
the WHOLE 
PUFF
of the dandelion 
going 
UP

I don't believe 
ANY PART
of a dandelion 
has wafted past me
in ANY CAPACITY 

since I was in the GRASS
BLOWING on them
MYSELF 

EVEN THEN 

not the whole thing 

that's 
gotta 
be a 
SIGN

gn LOVE

I'm gonna try to sleep now
BUT 
I have to tell you
ABOUT 
dandelion sighting 

I'm glad I'm not claiming to be sane

because I don't think 
that would accurately represent 

& I just had
what I suddenly 
NEED to CALL 
a barbarella experience 

check in april 21st

PROBABLY 
the jail thing is a scam
IDK
I went and read jason's many dms
--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---
& I gotta SAY
it is possible that he's a narcissist
which I didn't really think he was
BUT 
it's all LIKE 
WELL 
I'm just going to 
KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you 
with your problems 
EVERYONE 
has problems 

nowhere is there anything like
if I did or said anything 
I'm sorry 
JUST
things designed to cause 
GUILT

WHATEVER 

I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them
I was just curious & figured they
wouldn't trigger me now
& they didn't 
not even the photo of dad

I AM 
a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe 
NO ONE really KNOWS me
& if that's because I'm doing something 
that I could simply do
SOME OTHER WAY
AM I bringing this on myself 

NOT my family 
that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern
or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself 

BUT 
if you understand me
you might be the only one 
& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you
I just know you CARE

ANYWAY 
I wonder 
I watched this video
talking about WHY 
babies & animals
LIKE
my personality type
& I THOUGHT 
that might be part of the reason people don't get me
I don't project my DESIRES of them
AT THEM

which maybe makes me
INVISIBLE 
in some ways 
it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as 
non-judgemental

I maybe don't know how to be human
APPARENTLY people don't actually 
LISTEN to what you SAY
they ONLY listen to 
RESPOND 
SO
explaining yourself 
JUST SOUNDS 
like weakness or something 

I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that

I sound like I'm not doing well
BUT 
I think I'm basically okay
I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME
in the equation of my life 
& WONDERING 
WHAT if anything I want to change

I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of
BLANK SPACE

BUT 
other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like
SO
I'm not wanting to do THAT

it's all part of the
self sovereignity assessment 
I'm running on myself 

goodnight sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 

Tuesday, April 21, 2026

sometimes the world feels weird

I've gotten three calls ---
I have my ringer turned off
because I'm not currently responding to fires
--- from a prison in Louisiana 
they don't say who is trying to call
I suspect a wrong number 
BUT 
last thing I knew
my brother john ---
who I haven't spoken to in like 
eighteen years
& that's how recent my information about his
whereabouts is 
--- was working on a boat
as a cook
OFFSHORE Louisiana 

it's a wrong number 
right?!




check in april 21st

I don't think I said anything yesterday 
I was feeling 
kinda off
I had
dreams about past jobs
sort of & I had an insecure moment or
SOMETHING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much