sorry I wasn't very talk-y

I slept til like five thirty or six

when I woke up 

I was thinking 

QUEEN 

of DREAMS 

I'm not sure 

HOW to 

describe the day

I think 

some part of me

is trying to 

prove to the other part of me

that I CARE enough 

to let me 

REST

I NEED to 

CONSOLIDATE 

MYSELF in some way I don't really understand 

& while I'm standing over myself 

saying come on is it SOUP yet

isn't cutting it

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

there's something else I want to say about how important you are to me

& it's KINDA 

esoteric 

& I've been trying to put it into WORDS 

BUT 

I haven't found the

WORDS

I keep coming back to 

you are MAGIC 

I don't want you to think I'm just saying some vaguely complimentary platitude

I 

mean 

you 

are 

MAGIC 

another weird day

it's been a weird day 

I took a nap

BUT 

something happened 

I FEEL different 

I texted my mom

I asked her how she was doing 

I told her

I was gonna suggest that we go to lunch

& she could catch me up on all her medical

BUT 

I hurt my knee

& I don't think I can get around 

well enough for that

& I had a headache 

SO

I didn't want to talk on the phone

SO

I was just checking in on her SITUATION 

she said she was doing okay 

she just missed me

my therapist texted me to confirm tomorrow 

& then again, because I was asleep 

& didn't text back

my knee is messed up 

it's on the mend

BUT 

how about we make it next week 

I don't really think she misses me

& honestly 

I think I'm making good progress without 

my therapist 

BUT 

I feel like 

some kind of threshold 

I can't explain 

it doesn't make sense 

& remembering hearing cabaret for the first time

NOT Liza Minnelli 

I was pretty little 

BUT 

I remember my connection to her

FEELING for

ELSIE 

although I didn't understand that she seems to have been a prostitute 

I understood that she was

not appreciated 

by a lot of people 

but she lived life

somehow that was true to her

& life is short

this was probably after my friend 

(an older woman who lived like two doors down that I went to visit pretty frequently)

had died

SO

maybe the concept was pretty new

I can still remember 

I went to her house and knocked on the door

& what I can ONLY assume was her daughter 

answered the door 

I asked if I could see her

& she just looked

HORRIFIED

& kinda sick -- like I guess she was afraid she was gonna have to explain death to me

BUT 

she just said 

NO

she's not here

she's 

GONE

I guess I was three-ish into four

I don't know 

it's been a weird day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I guess I'm going to go back to sleep 

I hope I get some

dream answers 

last night's dreams 

raised more questions than they answered

don't know what this means

I just woke up

I WAS gonna get up at nine

BUT 

I didn't get a lot of sleep 

SO

THAT was adjusted

nine thirty, ten, ten thirty, eleven fifteen 

until I finally got up at eleven forty five, because you see, I got up to pee and was LIKE 

I'm not doing much walking around 

TODAY

may as well sleep so more

BUT 

I was having this weird dream 

STUFF was being delivered 

it was my gran gran's house

BIG STUFF 

I'm never SURE what it MEANS when

I'm in a childhood location 

BUT 

all the context has changed 

is the lady in the dream

who I'm not even 

CLEAR 

if I knew IN the DREAM 

is she supposed to represent ME 

is it something to do with 

trauma reference point

WHY

THIS location 

& even though I'm pretty sure one of the big things was a piano

& my gran gran HAD a piano

SOMEHOW 

the SOUND system

was being 

DISCONNECTED

& thereby improved

although she emphatically didn't have a sound system -- she had a record player you could pull down off a shelf that folded up into a sort of carrying case & then you open it to play

forty fives, thirty three & a third, & seventy eights

she HAD some seventy eights

I wasn't thinking about any of that in the DREAM 

I'm not sure what to make of

the actual dream

just things arriving 

& discussion of

logistics 

knee issues

I didn't tell you 

I hurt my knee

the cat has been dragging in

STICKER BURRS

& I stepped on one

BUT 

I had a plate & bowl in one hand

& my phone in the other

& when I jumped

I did something funny

& my knee popped 

ANYWAY 

I've been icing it

& it's not like damaged

BUT 

it's been somewhat challenging to walk around 

it's MUCH better 

I'm fixin to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I think I just wasn't done being 

sick so I had to hurt myself 

it's WEIRD 

that I seem to get sick

when I really need to PROCESS 

BUT 

I AM pretty WEIRD 

it might not be real

BUT 

it seems like my back fat has diminished 

I look less "roll"-y to me

I still don't want to be fat

I guess 

I just don't want to be 

SMALL 

EITHER 

I don't know 

I want to TAKE UP a certain amount of SPACE 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you