goodnight

I'm tense

I'm gonna meditate 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

song in my HEAD

I had doe a dear a female dear

Ray a drop of golden sun

I mean 

WHOLE SONG 

I feel like 

it could hit different ways

julie andrews 

vocal music 

n*zis

watching it with my father & brother

songs I used to love to sing

when I was a kid

what is it trying to tell me 

the SONG in my HEAD 

January 24th

OK

I'm just spinning spinning spinning 

I gotta SNAP OUT of it

& the news

& HOW am I EXPRESSING this

I probably need to get

some l-theanine 

I missed my

NIGHT dose

I got this five step plan for INFJ brains that SOUNDS genius 

I'm totally trying it

this realization 

was one of the STEPS 

take 30 second physical check-ins

& I realized 

I was

BECOMING 

overwrought or overloaded or something 

I forgot the propolis ointment TOO 

let me take care of THAT 

it was a weird day January 23rd

I didn't remember any of my dreams 

I got up

I drank coffee 

I usually drink the laird maca latte

because it's instant & has all that stuff I'm trying to get in me

THEN

I'm usually switching to the coffee cherry tea

I remembered that I had three hard boiled eggs left in the refrigerator 

I mashed those up

+ nutritional yeast 

+ MCT c-8 instead of mayonnaise 

+ the volume of an EGG of leftover TOFU cooked in the brown sauce

+ extra spicy Dijon mustard 

I bought a bunch of bread

it was KINDA an assertive egg salad

BUT 

OK, ya KNOW 

I WALKED OVER 

checked her mail & COLD-pocalypse proofed

I decided not to drive her car

BUT 

I did drive MINE 

the facility called me three times

& I didn't answer 

I haven't listened to the voicemail yet 

I need to be confident in how I'm handling it 

& I'm not YET 

I can't elaborate on THAT because I can't articulate what's happening 

it's some kind of 

HARDCORE 

& I tried not to ruminate 

BUT 

I'm not sure how successful I was

late late night/morning

I need to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope I dream about you 

TONIGHT 

not interested in "best daughter" prize January 22/23 late thursday early friday

I went to the store 

BOUGHT extra WATER 

& STUFF 

people behaving badly 

empty shelves

then I filled up my gas tank

then I said wtf and went to spec's & bought

TEQUILA 

I'm going to my mom's apartment tomorrow 

check her mail

leave the water drip

turn on the heater to idk forty-five, maybe 

it's currently completely OFF

I MIGHT drive her car

I might drive mine some more

I contemplated

should I go check in with the doctors

or therapists

& here's where I came down

I don't want to see her

if she isn't willing to do what she can to help herself with the fluid retention 

& I do not have ANY BUSINESS even asking her

THEN

I guess I don't need to be getting up

& dragging myself down there

wearing out my knees

stressing myself 

worrying about 

trying to do

WHAT I can to move the needle 

she's SAFE there

& she'll do MORE for the therapists if she's not 

showing ME how decrepit she is

SO

I don't SEE any compelling reason to go

for her benefit 

& I don't WANT to 

SO

NOT GOING 

then of course it won't be safe to go 

saturday, sunday, or monday 

BECAUSE 

ICE

stay home UNLESS you HAVE to be there 

& I don't 

maybe she'll freak out 

MAYBE she won't notice

it makes no difference to me 

thoughts January 22nd

on my facebook it had one of those

on this day thing-y

ABOUT 

how my mom USED to TELL people 

& I just realize 

NOT 

JUST GUYS

how I was eleven

& she was thirteen when she had me

UNTIL I was

SIXTEEN 

& that I was trying to EXPLAIN 

that she was JUST 

MAKING herself 

SOUND

like a slut

BUT 

I think I see NOW 

she was

FLIRTING 

& perhaps 

TRYING to be

FUNNY 

& getting a RISE out of me

I'm not sure WHY I was saying that on January 22nd 2014 or whatever

BUT 

I hadn't thought about that in a while 

morning after long sleep January 22nd

I was hanging out

with a guy I used to work with 

& he was saying that if I wanted friends 

I needed to be more open

I was living in my car

which was my old Buick

with kind of a box built around it

I was digging through the back seat

trying to find some pants

BECAUSE 

I was wearing a long shirt 

that kinda barely covered my butt

& we were going to

an amusement park 

there was also 

BEFORE that

some small town party

at a lodge or something & I think there was important information 

BUT 

I don't remember 

at the park there was a machine

where hot dogs were swimming 

& then you pulled it out

& SOMEHOW 

it was the best hot dog ever

which didn't make any sense & we talked about how it didn't 

then we met up with some girl I knew

who was really happy that I was OUT doing things with people 

& who thought my car house was cool

BUT 

I didn't really understand 

WHY

for either of those things

there was also a part

MAYBE before any of that

I was working for starbucks 

& I called headquarters 

& I was hesitant about what I was calling about 

I KNEW, I think 

BUT 

I wasn't articulating it fast enough 

& they're LIKE 

you must be calling in the numbers 

& I'm LIKE 

OH

I just started BACK 

after years

I don't have the numbers handy

I'm gonna have to call you back 

I wish I could remember more of the lodge

I think it was LIKE a holiday celebration or something 

musicians, and writers, creatives

& we were all running into each other

& KINDA catching up 

I think there was a group dinner

& the showing

of someone's 

MOVIE 

that I hadn't seen yet

they were all pretty nice vignettes

even the Starbucks one

although 

I can't remember why that one was so nice

I think it was KINDA 

in a beautiful resort area

& MAYBE 

some people I miss were there

NONE of it

was as VISUALLY interesting as the 

BLUE house 

& NONE of it

was as WONDERFUL as you holding ME 

& I'm SURE there was MORE I can't remember 

BUT 

it was ALL pretty good 

& I feel CALMER than when I went to sleep 

BUT 

it was at least sixteen hours of sleep