I apologize for my daddy issues
& personal fears
interfering with
my understanding of how I was taking your love
& not giving you the ability to
perform for me
& have me
give YOU the love & support YOU deserved
I always want to be with you
I want to share things with you
& I think you don't want
to spend time with me
you want me to
do the one thing and then leave you to yourself
& THEN
when you WANT MORE i don't understand
& it triggers me
THEN
you got mad, I thought, and you sounded like
my daddy & it triggered me HARD
I don't really want to be a bright spot
I think I did
BUT
I didn't want you to mentor me
I wanted you to love me
& I resist being
cultivated
I WANTED the LOVE
I WANT to have the love
BUT
I didn't want to be crossed off the list
LIKE
well now I've got that settled
I can go off and do something else
I have never had a good first experience
it's more of a cultivation thing
& I thought you would be like
well, that totally wasn't worth it
& BREAK me in a way I couldn't bear
I was so addicted to the intimacy
I would not do my OWN work
I ONLY wanted to write for you
I thought
HOW can we ever do this in real life
BUT maybe it isn't about THAT
if you are dumping me
because you need to LOVE the one you are creatively involved with
then I can't be that person anymore
because you guys are a great team
& I wouldn't want to mess that up in any way
& I don't want THAT relationship anyway
what I WANT
which I've probably never SAID
is to do my OWN work
& LOVE you
& I couldn't find myself untill I was in my OWN HEAD
I NEVER thought I'd LOSE you
& I see I took you for granted
& I thought it was being evolved and learning
to let you GO for your own good
& I will
BUT
before you leave me & break my heart
I WANT as MUCH of YOU as I can have
I WILLING to be broken
by your weird no boundaries thing
OR have you scream at me
& call me names for not giving you what you ask for that I didn't really understand
like I said in Monterey
you are the love of my life
& I don't want to miss any part of that
I have adventures
& I got all messed up in the autistic analysis
& action paralysis
& I got boring
& I thought you needed the contact
because you freaked out
when I didn't
I don't think I would make a good wife
& I'm not trying to screw up
the obviously workable
& probably great
relationship you have there
& even if I got good enough to travel with you
I mean that wouldn't be ok
SO
I thought you probably didn't mean that
it was a fantasy or a metaphor
& you can be patient with me
long enough for me to
find something on my phone
WHY would I believe that could ever work
I wanted you & I seemed to be in the ONLY configuration that worked
& you were (maybe) waiting for me to
present you with another one
& you didn't want to give me as the person I loved MOST in the world
the things you were perfectly willing to give
when YOU were setting down
YOUR boundaries
& it SEEMED
OFF
BUT
you have given me true love
you're the man I dream about
you're the man I long for
I want YOU
but I can't be addicted to you
YOU are NOT in person with me
any less remote & tentative
than I am with you
maybe if we were friends
I could get more of that beautiful mind
I'm not lying that I'm attracted to you
but you're like two different people
I didn't finish what I want
I WANT you to work with the one with whom
you will get the most value
& do the most good
I want to not be addicted to you
so I can get stable in my OWN whatever
I see HOW since what I WANTED was your LOVE
I never could do anything else
I still want to WRITE to you
I still want to LOVE you
I still want to watch you & read you mind
if none of that WORKS
then I get it
BUT
if you leave me
& I never kissed you
I think that would break me more
what I'm saying is
I don't expect to be forgiven for
NOT doing any of the things you needed
OR being afraid of your scariness
BUT
If it's good bye
then I'm willing to buy the e-ticket
because you are the BEST
thing that has ever happened to me
& I don't want to leave anything
for the swim back
