good morning sweetheart

OK

well 

I listened to that song

& now it's stuck in my HEAD 

& it's TOO bouncy

& HAPPY 

to cry

SO

I guess I'm better

BUT 

I might still need to cry

MAYBE in the shower 

the extra sleep doesn't seem to have fixed me

I slept twelve hours 

I dreamed a BUNCH of stuff I can't remember 

although I DID have one dream

where I was taking a college 

class -- maybe I had taken it before 

MAYBE 

I was checking to see if I still had

the mental capacity 

OR

SOMETHING 

BUT 

there was a guy there

maybe it was you

& we were discussing the paper

& it was due in like six days

& we were like

maybe we should start on it -- ha ha

& then the professor 

came up to me

& wanted me to make some other student 

SEE something 

he opened the door 

there was a guy

sitting at the end of a long table full of people 

& he had like a jewelry making set up

& he had this case set up

that blocked him off

from the other people 

it was LARGELY glass

or possibly plexiglass 

SO 

it was SEE-THROUGH

& the prof could not explain it 

in a way that this guy

could SEE it

BUT 

for some reason 

I just pointed things out

in relation to 

people 

& he got it right away 

I don't know what that means 

& I'm EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL 

I'm not sure WHY

maybe just

overwrought 

BUT 

I saw two sad cat videos 

& my little monster 

stratched me

& I'm done

I'm having to work to hold back tears

MAYBE 

I should JUST 

CRY

I'm a wreck

more thoughts

alright I ate

STRESS ATE really 

I ordered a cheeseburger 

I had oatcakes and bone broth 

SO

I'm pretty light for the rest of the day

it was a good exercise 

because it made me realize 

I would have preferred 

to have

SOUP

I am loving the TOFU which is KINDA 

an experiment 

in phyto-estrogens

& plant protein 

it was supposed to have MISO TOO but it got 

TOO SALTY 

BUT 

in a TWIST 

the nutritional yeast 

has glutamine 

or glutamic acid

which is BIG UMAMI

& helps joint pain 

UNLESS 

I'm confused 

I'm too tired to cross check right now

AGAIN 

I'm not sure how coherent this is

BUT 

I'm finally getting to bed

I thought I'd say 

goodnight 

sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

this has been a hard few weeks 

NOT how I WANTED to be

spending them

this high def hard reality me

is hard to integrate

SHE wants to take over

BUT 

she's like my ironman suit

ALSO

I'm about to be fifty nine

BUT 

I don't FEEL 

ADULT 

& I can't quite explain that

semi hysterical ranting

OK

she's at the skilled nursing facility 

I am not certain

what the f*CK is going on

was she faking

she doesn't SEEM 

at all concerned

I ASKED her

if she was

FAKING

& she SAID 

all sarcastic voiced

YES I'm totally faking it 

SO

I MEAN 

MAYBE she is

& she can't say no

I was going to wait with her at the hospital until they came to pick her up and take her

THEN

I thought 

I'll just go with in the ambulance and get her settled and take an uber from there

BUT 

the step on the ambulance was too high to manage with my janky knees

SO

I ended up

NOT going with

& calling an uber 

BUT 

I was in some weird place

the uber just put the hospital & the driver couldn't find me & nobody knew what the street was

& I got semi-hysterical

& started crying a little bit 

& I'm TOAST

I'm not even sure I'm coherent

I'm gonna eat & go to sleep 

I have to go see c*nty tomorrow 

BUT 

then maybe I can have a break 

it's not like they are gonna let me watch her

WORK OUT 

& I don't want to VISIT the ratchet skibbity c*nt

early morning thoughts

I slept in til five

I don't really need to see the cardiologist 

& she might be released today 

to the skilled nursing facility 

SO

I might need to be there longer, maybe 

idk

I'm about at the end of my

ability to bounce back

I hope I don't have to stay longer

I maybe didn't respond to 

something I should have responded to 

& I'm maybe just afraid 

if I get too excited 

I might jinx it

somehow

OR

maybe I just didn't have the bandwidth 

I'm honestly not sure now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

going to bed really early

I am pretty 

WIPED

OUT 

I am going to try to sleep 

& BACK at it

TOMORROW 

doctors

don't make much sense 

& I feel like I gotta be there

BUT 

it's taking a lot out of me

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

piano at the hospital

LIVE piano music 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶