Friday, December 12, 2025

YAY!!! (edited) how could I leave out the MOST important part -- who knows more about sports than me

the MULTI TALENTED 
BRILLIANT 
DB

!!!

good morning watchword for today is maintain

I dreamed 
I started working at some place 
some kind of mash up
of places I've worked 
before 

& the wanted me to pick a color code

for my schedule 
which I'm not exactly clear now
what that meant
BUT 
the code I picked
was BLUE 

I'm awake 
I'm drinking coffee 
I have anxiety about going to see her
BUT 
I want to interact with 
as many of her regular team
as possible 

to make it clear 
she need to
WORK
not just lay around and feel sorry for herself 

OR
WHATEVER 
ya KNOW 

she was seeming kinda scared and rejected 
& I ASKED her if she wanted to talk about it 

even though she greeted me with 
SO
you slept til TWO 
which was neither respectful nor friendly 

BUT 
she didn't WANT to 
TALK 

she wanted to complain 
& insinuate 
that I put her in a sh*tty place on purpose 

it's a boutique nursing home 
& one of only four choices I had
which I researched 
which she didn't 
want to do on her phone in the hospital room 

I called her nurse friend 
as per her request 
& that eliminated two of the four

one was fancier and close to me
one was less fancy
& NOT 

I put those as first and second choice
in the order of closeness
because if you don't 
stop by
THEN 
maybe nobody cares
& maybe when you are a f*CKing b*tch
they then just don't try so hard

BUT 
if it looks like people 
CARE
about you
they give you more
benefit of the doubt

MAYBE it doesn't matter 

Thursday, December 11, 2025

dream time

goodnight sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 

little memories

my father was very vain
he was always looking in the mirror 
& he started going bald
very young
& he was
WEIRD 
about 
it

after the doctor had said that to me
maybe not right after, but generally 
my dad told me this big story
I think he was trying to 
EXPLAIN 
bulimia 
to me

not the best day ever

I don't feel good 
about today 
I went to the skilled nursing facility 
which is in a nursing home 
a really nice nursing home 

which she HATES 

it was WEIRD energy 

everybody else was super nice

I do feel like I need to go tomorrow 
although I really don't want to 
BUT 
then I have to take the weekend off at least 

this person 
who told me her name but I'm terrible at names 
SO I FORGOT 
but she said she was a supervisor 
THRUST 
this packet of paperwork AT ME

I read through it 
& I don't understand HOW this FITS 
with what I was TOLD at the hospital 
BUT 
I understand that if I sign any piece of THAT 
I'm legally liable for moneys 

supervisor was gone
I turned to my mom
I'm LIKE 
I can read this to you
you can read it yourself 
OR
we can get her in here to explain it to you 
BUT 
I ain't signin' sh*t

I don't have power of attorney 
& I don't have access to 
your money
SO
THIS 
is YOUR paperwork 

I filled in the information lines

good morning sweetheart

OK
well 
I listened to that song
& now it's stuck in my HEAD 
& it's TOO bouncy
& HAPPY 
to cry

SO
I guess I'm better
BUT 
I might still need to cry
MAYBE in the shower 

the extra sleep doesn't seem to have fixed me

I slept twelve hours 
I dreamed a BUNCH of stuff I can't remember 
although I DID have one dream
where I was taking a college 
class -- maybe I had taken it before 

MAYBE 
I was checking to see if I still had
the mental capacity 
OR
SOMETHING 
BUT 
there was a guy there
maybe it was you
& we were discussing the paper
& it was due in like six days

& we were like
maybe we should start on it -- ha ha

& then the professor 
came up to me
& wanted me to make some other student 
SEE something 

he opened the door 
there was a guy
sitting at the end of a long table full of people 
& he had like a jewelry making set up
& he had this case set up
that blocked him off
from the other people 

it was LARGELY glass
or possibly plexiglass 
SO 
it was SEE-THROUGH

& the prof could not explain it 
in a way that this guy
could SEE it

BUT 
for some reason 
I just pointed things out
in relation to 
people 
& he got it right away 

I don't know what that means 

& I'm EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL 
I'm not sure WHY
maybe just
overwrought 
BUT 
I saw two sad cat videos 
& my little monster 
stratched me

& I'm done
I'm having to work to hold back tears
MAYBE 
I should JUST 
CRY

I'm a wreck

Wednesday, December 10, 2025

more thoughts

alright I ate
STRESS ATE really 
I ordered a cheeseburger 
I had oatcakes and bone broth 
SO
I'm pretty light for the rest of the day
it was a good exercise 

because it made me realize 
I would have preferred 
to have
SOUP

I am loving the TOFU which is KINDA 
an experiment 
in phyto-estrogens
& plant protein 

it was supposed to have MISO TOO but it got 
TOO SALTY 
BUT 
in a TWIST 
the nutritional yeast 
has glutamine 

or glutamic acid
which is BIG UMAMI
& helps joint pain 

UNLESS 
I'm confused 
I'm too tired to cross check right now

AGAIN 
I'm not sure how coherent this is
BUT 
I'm finally getting to bed
I thought I'd say 
goodnight 
sweetheart 
I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

this has been a hard few weeks 
NOT how I WANTED to be
spending them

this high def hard reality me
is hard to integrate
SHE wants to take over

BUT 
she's like my ironman suit

ALSO
I'm about to be fifty nine
BUT 
I don't FEEL 
ADULT 

& I can't quite explain that

semi hysterical ranting

OK
she's at the skilled nursing facility 
I am not certain
what the f*CK is going on
was she faking
she doesn't SEEM 
at all concerned

I ASKED her
if she was
FAKING

& she SAID 
all sarcastic voiced
YES I'm totally faking it 
SO
I MEAN 
MAYBE she is
& she can't say no

I was going to wait with her at the hospital until they came to pick her up and take her
THEN
I thought 
I'll just go with in the ambulance and get her settled and take an uber from there
BUT 
the step on the ambulance was too high to manage with my janky knees
SO
I ended up
NOT going with
& calling an uber 
BUT 
I was in some weird place
the uber just put the hospital & the driver couldn't find me & nobody knew what the street was

& I got semi-hysterical
& started crying a little bit 
& I'm TOAST

I'm not even sure I'm coherent

I'm gonna eat & go to sleep 

I have to go see c*nty tomorrow 
BUT 
then maybe I can have a break 
it's not like they are gonna let me watch her
WORK OUT 

& I don't want to VISIT the ratchet skibbity c*nt

early morning thoughts

I slept in til five
I don't really need to see the cardiologist 
& she might be released today 
to the skilled nursing facility 
SO
I might need to be there longer, maybe 
idk
I'm about at the end of my
ability to bounce back
I hope I don't have to stay longer

I maybe didn't respond to 
something I should have responded to 
& I'm maybe just afraid 
if I get too excited 
I might jinx it
somehow
OR
maybe I just didn't have the bandwidth 
I'm honestly not sure now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 
I hope you have a beautiful day