today was okay, but still exhausted

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts!?

I AM

really experiencing 

a SENSE 

of being somebody I haven't been in a while

which is

WEIRD 

I MEAN 

I'm talking about PARTS 

BUT 

I'm not usually thinking in terms of like multiples

I think of it as perspectives 

BUT 

I just got this SENSE it made me think

WTF

surprise for me

I went to see her

she wasn't in her room 

I texted

where are you currently?

no reply

I called her

no reply 

I sat there in her room 

a nurse came in to take vitals 

she knew where she was

although she didn't 

GO THERE 

for vitals

she was asleep 

SITTING UP

on the sofa

not actually watching 

BIG BANG theory 

which she apparently likes

though she doesn't believe in television 

SO

we're sitting quietly 

which isn't BAD 

the SOUND is TOO low for me to hear anything 

& the subtitles are TOO SMALL 

SO

I don't even have to watch it

BEST

VISIT

EVER

HOW SOON 

can I leave 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I need to sleep 

BUT 

I keep seeing 

me and you

sitting on the open edge of the house

legs dangling 

looking at the light

falling on a giant rock

on a path close to us that winds through 

the garden 

bits & pieces

I'm having issues 

with my BODY 

I'm trying to be kind to my knees

& I'm swinging 

WILDLY

between 

I KINDA dig the overall shape of me

& OMG I WANT to be 

SMALLER 

this is

TOO 

HEAVY -- I can't DO anything 

Oowie owie owie

I THOUGHT we

we're doing BETTER in this

CATEGORY 

SKIN CARE is knocking it OUT of the PARK

EVEN with the EXTREME picking

BUT 

WE are having TROUBLE getting her to 

TAKE the supplements 

ALL the things that WE THOUGHT 

made her FEEL BETTER 

we can't get her to do them

does she WANT to HURT MORE 

EVERYTHING she DOES 

contributes to a pattern of 

OPTING OUT of 

self care that is TOO MUCH today

& then

it's 

a BATTLE every subsequent day

UNTIL it's NOT anymore 

SOUP

seems to have taken a bit of a holiday 

DAIRY

I think I probably am low-key allergic 

BUT 

cottage cheese 

is comfort food

I have non-standard tastes

I'm REALLY into a new tea

CASCARA

it's dried

COFFEE 

fruit

that dried on the beans

it has SOME way

that it's 

KINDA like 

COFFEE 

it's not, though

NOT really like TEA either

GREAT mouth feel 

it might be 

WEIRD 

I have non-standard tastes

this didn't end up where it started

there's a WAY my past

FALLS AWAY 

from me 

I know I've mentioned before, but it's a recurring 

there's a WAY 

I feel connected and a WAY

NOT 

& I WONDER

is the answer to LOOK 

MAYBE 

& THEN

I wonder LIKE which is 

EGO

in the END, do I got enough, too much, none

WHAT

does that MEAN 

WHY

can't I ANSWER that question 

is it that I can't see myself clearly enough 

BLIND SPOTS 

I've been thinking lately 

when I wanted to

QUIT dance

because I had caught on

I wasn't good enough 

my body shape was wrong 

he didn't have anything to do with it 

my mom was happy to stop

paying for lessons 

BUT 

he called me

& he SAID 

do don't have to quit things

because you can't do them professionally 

you can just do things

because you love to do them

I don't think I completely disagreed

in theory

BUT 

it made NO sense 

with regard to DANCE

HOW much of THAT 

had to DO

with the

MYSTIQUE of DANCE

it had an internal structure 

& THAT was as much

PART of the fantasy

of being a dancer

it wasn't ABOUT 

DANCING in the park, ya KNOW 

MAYBE 

I'm not sure what he was trying to warn me AGAINST 

WHAT PART

of these things I have wanted

MIGHT tell me

something 

I enjoyed interacting with the physical world

in the WAY that they talk about it

FEELING like you're being 

PULLED straight up

by a STRING

that runs through your spine

OUT the TOP of 

your HEAD 

& you are supposed to be EMOTING

TELLING a STORY 

with your body

I guess 

THAT would have continued

I could have kept THAT 

BUT 

I guess this is WHY 

I KEEP coming 

back to TAI CHI or some sort of ENERGY system 

integration

I guess the realization that 

I have to work for myself 

because 

I just am fundamentally unsuited

to do anything else 

KINDA 

piles on to

I don't know HOW to make 

THIS particular 

UNIT

DO things CORRECTLY 

& THAT

SOUNDS 

KINDA WEIRD 

& it should 

because it LAYERS

I'm not sure how my operating system works

I have a hard time getting 

the outcome I'm looking for 

+

THIS UNIT

doesn't COMPLY 

& this is a problem I come back to again & again 

SOME of the PARTS 

MAYBE 

they aren't as committed to integration 

my dad USED to TELL me 

that he was the

FASTEST 

& BEST

sign painter

SO that

when he screwed something up 

TRANSPOSED 

LETTERS 

misunderstood written directions 

NOBODY 

was looking to fire him

the WAY you 

DO things

is

FAST

& BETTER than ANYONE else 

HOW much 

of THAT did I ABSORB 

thoughts

I passed out again, I guess 

I'm not happy about the amount of 

EXHAUSTED 

I am

I was thinking about it 

BEFORE 

I had my pandemic breakdown 

I spent a lot of time 

FEELING like

I was contributing to happiness 

I experienced my work in the service industry 

as helping, helpful, creating an environment 

BUT 

by the time I was 

locking myself in my apartment 

I felt like 

NOBODY else 

actually 

saw me as doing anything important 

I was just some throwaway 

& then I lived in a world 

where I didn't need to

interact with people 

& NOW

when I think 

I could start a co-habitation world

there's a resistance to the IDEA 

that other people have any

INTEREST

in being in my world

OR

that I can be relatable 

OR

that I WANT to be around other people 

& it's limiting

I have this IDEA that what I'm "supposed" to do

is find the WAY I can contribute to the 

WORLD

(make it better, fulfill needs)

BUT 

I feel like that's what I ALWAYS tried to do

& NOW

it needs to be

ABOUT 

fulfilling MY needs

BUT 

SOMETHING about that

FEELS like 

it's not right, or it won't work, or it's too self centered to be opening me up 

& MAYBE 

it's just

second guessing myself 

I feel like my mom is too much interference 

BUT 

it's the way the level works

I think my perspective is different enough to be useful, but I don't know how much sense I make

& I feel like the things I am blind-spotted about 

MIGHT be SUPER important for figuring sh*t out

& I feel like 

I'm not 

FUN

BUT 

I might be fun

when I work through everything 

this FEELS like a LOOP