Thursday, February 12, 2026

more on the college memory

I'm not sure what that college memory is telling me 
& remember in college 
there always seemed to be 
a LOT of 
people just wanting to hear themselves talk 
MAYBE it was the classes
I TOOK 

I took a LOT of 
women's studies
CLASSES

& I swear to g*d in philosophy of women class one day the professor was asking 
a question about 
BEING a SISTER 
&
the SAME GUY 
who ALWAYS had 
SOMETHING 
to SAY

STARTS 

& the prof who was pretty CHILL generally 

was LIKE 
Ummmmm HOW exactly do you have knowledge of what it is like to be a SISTER 

& I'm not sure WHY
BUT 
it really influenced me against 
PARTICIPATION 

I FEEL like a LOT of TIMES 
I say something 
that I think 
is informational

BUT 
MAYBE 
it sounds like a statement 
& then

SOMETIMES 
I'll read back over them
& THINK 

WHY
was I worried about this 

MAYBE 
that's just a shadow revealing itself 
BUT 

I MEAN all that look at me look at me MAYBE 

got linked in with the 
ANTI- narcissist PACK


MAYBE 
the POINT is that 
there are LOTS of EXAMPLES of 
people who knew what they were talking about 
WANTING to hear MORE from ME

that's not some sh*t I'm just dreaming up

it's not totally consistent with more recent 
WORK experience 

which was described in early therapy 
MORE LIKE 

BUT 
EVEN THERE 

I would do these one to two page
NEW promo HOT points

that I KEEP thinking 
there's a way 
that THOSE are a precursor 

in some KINDA way 
to what I've been doing for a while 
BUT 
I doubt that it's immediately apparent to anyone 

& it's tied to the fourth grade concrete poetry

everything 
is coming together 
& falling away 

I'm pretty sure I was
MUCH MORE 
negative & bitter & whatever 
not that long ago

NOW
I'm pretty positive 
BUT 

AM I 
though?

I'm not sure looping SPIRAL is consistent with 
pretty positive 
& I didn't really realize that I was in one

I think it's really important that I maintain my 
CONNECTION to that KINDA universal NOW

I need to move around more
BODY issues
& WHATNOT 

LOVE MYSELF 
MORE 

notes

it's a national day of mourning in Canada today 

I just saw a news clip


don't know what this means

OK
I don't know WHY
BUT 

OH CANADA
is playing 
OVER 
&
OVER
in my HEAD 

not totally sane check in February 12th

I've also got the goatherd yodel from sound of music stuck in my HEAD 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I DO need to FOCUS 

on consolidation of self

raising vibration 

be here NOW but it's hard not to do the STUFF 

I am convinced that I made the right move
& that I have to hold this line
BUT 

it's not like falling off a log



goodnight sweetheart

there was a slurry of stuff
coming through 
PROCESSING 

but I tell you what
that little tune
keeps popping up 

it makes me happy every time

I gotta sleep 
I'm not making progress on 
the sleeping regular 
hours

I'm tumbling stuff around 
in my HEAD 


I think I found the only 
FOUNTAIN left in my 
quadrant


notes February 12th

I got myself into a kind of looping
SPIRAL
&
it was weighing me
DOWN

at one point 
TODAY 

I started singing -- I got no strings

I had to go through 
& FORGIVE 
myself 

for all the things that could go wrong 
if I have misassessed the situation 
with my mom 


resurfaced memory February 12th

I remember something 
in college 
I pretty much never
raised my hand

& one time I DID 
& the professor was impressed or something 
why didn't I speak up more

& I don't remember HOW I cleaned it up at the 
TIME -- because I cannot imagine -- I said THIS 


I don't want to SOUND like them*

*by which I guess I meant the way people sound when they are trying to impress people 

I had only spoken UP this particular 
TIME 
because 
no one else was getting there
& I felt I had something 
to contribute 





Wednesday, February 11, 2026

TAROT reading February 11th

TAROT reading 
nine of cups, page of swords, six of cups,
three of pentacles (our card), ace of wands, the sun

hello -- I love you -- checking in

I'm checking in 
I felt like it might look like I was
pulling away or something yesterday 
I didn't mean to be doing that 
I just have stuff going on in my HEAD 
& I'm not sure what 
it even is 
MUCH LESS 
HOW to 
VERBALIZE it

BUT 
I'm figuring it out 
& I'm feeling 
generally 
HAPPY 

please take care of yourself 
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I'm sorry I didn't talk today I can't even remember what I wanted to tell you about yesterday I think I'm a little out of the loop on what's going on in my HEAD

today was 
I'm not sure how to describe it 
I could not wake up
I just kept 
DREAMING 
& saying how grateful I am for my life 

I couldn't remember the dreams 
BUT 
there was some kind of superhero in an
ORANGE SUIT 

MIGHT 
have been 
ME

I feel like I did some
PROCESSING 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 
goodnight 

Tuesday, February 10, 2026

goodnight sweetheart good day

MAN
I REALLY want to TELL you 
ALL the STUFF 
I thought about 
TODAY 

BUT 
I'm not sure if I can 
& ANYWAY 

I want to tell you 
SOMETHING 

I have had that TUNE and I mean 
the whole song*
BUT 
the tune is SO catchy 

& my brain is doing this weird thing 

this morning I was hearing 
as TIME goes BY from casablanca in my HEAD 

& I KINDA 
heard that off and on most of the day

I SHOWERED 
washed my hair 
DROVE the CAR

I thought so MANY thoughts
& then I listened to it 
cause it was
ALREADY 
bubbling up 

& THEN it is ABSOLUTELY in there

& after LIKE maybe an HOUR I'm LIKE 
THOSE TWO are 
related
SOMEHOW 

& THEN
I started up the stairs
& my brain said 
inna godda da vida

was also related
& the THREE pieces
FORM some SORT of MUSICAL -- something 

it just seems right 
BUT 
I have no reason I can point to
JUST 
a pattern in my HEAD 

that KINDA thing
is hard to catch for some reason 
I mean for demonstration 
purposes

my brain is saying 
SYMPHONIC 
structure 

but that seems unlikely 
when I took music appreciation in college 
they had us mapping structure 
& I couldn't seem to DO THAT so I'm very skeptical 

the POINT is 
I think that's quite a lot of 
CATCHY





*the D&M collab