goofy standards

I don't know WHY 

BUT 

eating a plate of rice 

with 

CHOPSTICKS 

makes me feel competent 

in a way nothing else does 

you do something for fifty years

I guess you get good at it

I mean 

it's not a skill anybody really cares about 

except me

I remember 

how HARD it was to master it

RICE

is easy, relatively speaking 

if it's 

STICKY

& in a little bowl

where you are just KINDA shoveling it in

BUT 

it requires balance 

when the grains want to separate & fall

two half grains on the table

NOTHING 

on my dress front

I can't f*CKing do THAT

with a FORK

YAY ME

silent victories

thoughts

I'm doing better 

I went to get the check from my mom 

I didn't stay long

I don't really want to talk about 

the interaction 

I drove around 

after I paid her rent 

it's a little WARM -- I was hoping for BRISK 

BUT 

it's undeniably BEAUTIFUL so I just drove around the places I like to look at, a little 

&

NOW

I'm at the place with the malaysian fat rice

which has manga wallpaper 

which cheers me up

just from cool

I think I'm doing okay

I think I'm objectively doing better

BUT 

I don't 

FEEL like I'm doing MAYBE how I think I should be

IDK

I'm sorry to be a downer 

not the best start to my day

I had a bunch of dreams 

the ones I remember 

I was out

in MAYBE a restaurant or club or something 

when I got there

& on the stairs 

& downstairs 

people kept finding me

& telling me 

jason really needed me to help

FUND his FILM

jason had been sending DMs that I'm no longer opening because I don't trust him not to trigger me or make things somehow worse

I also

had maybe offended someone 

by saying something 

& now I had to go to some

MATH CLASS 

or something 

& I got somebody to show me

HOW to get there

the shortcut 

involved running across these

FIELDS

full of

I want to say

FOODSTUFFS 

I kept being distracted by the 

BEAUTIFUL COLOR CONTRASTS

light & dark 

GREEN

PURPLE 

then I woke up 

I'm LIKE 

okay

you need to call your mom

& remind her to call her apartments and get her 

rent amount*

*which varies because of fees or services or something I can't remember & never really understood 

SO

she can write a check 

SO

I can pick it up and take it there

SO

her rent is paid

you can drive your car

which takes care of driving your car

what I need you to do

is plan a FUN thing

you can DO

while you're OUT 

& NOT 

just buying something 

doing something 

I've been UP like forty-five minutes 

& I haven't thought of anything 

that seems 

even remotely fun

I wanted to think of it 

BEFORE 

getting out of bed

it was a complete blank

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I'm maybe struggling a little 

thoughts

I've been ruminating 

not the best day

kitty, however, even though there was an episode with firecrackers has been sitting next to me seeming happy and not attempting to bite me

all day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

zoned out zone

I guess I didn't tell you about yesterday 

I got up

I made soup

I zoned out pretty hard

I decided 

that I needed

COTTAGE CHEESE too

I took most of my supplements 

I brushed my teeth 

which I usually do 

BEFORE I eat

BECAUSE 

if I do it after

I usually 

VOMIT 

which I did, a little, but felt disoriented

BECAUSE 

it was red and oily

& I didn't recognize it as being anything I ate

(astixantin & DHA/EPA I realize now & I think I misspelled astixantin but I'm not looking it up)

I took a shower 

I'm consciously thinking 

FOCUS

on enjoying each moment 

LIFE

is a series of moments 

I got dressed 

I took an Uber to see my mom

I had mail with me

I had items on a check list to be crossed off

her late tax return was sent back to her

she didn't sign it

I thought I could just have her sign it

mail it back

BUT 

NO --  when I looked more carefully 

it was ALSO missing 

supporting documents for withholding 

she sends this to an accountant 

I'm LIKE 

he keeps a copy, RIGHT 

BUT 

I STILL don't understand 

he's got it listed here on the return 

25b __ 2686 __ from 1099

25d __ 2686 __ extended 

33 __ total withheld 

what would they be withholding from

disbursement, maybe 

would he just put it on the form with no backing documents & is jeffrey jim's son

JIM was the account she mentioned enough in my lifetime that I remember it

he's been retired for a while now 

well, you need to call him

do these notes make sense to you 

I was thinking I'd 

LET YOU 

do that

NO

you know him

you know your situation 

it might be different if you were disabled in some way, but your mouth works, your phone works

& besides I really don't want to be involved in it

there were some other things 

I couldn't get crossed off

which involved it being 

a holiday 

NOTHING is OPEN 

on NYE or NYD

the world 

apparently shuts down

it doesn't, you know 

I never worked anywhere where we didn't work

NYE isn't even a paid federal holiday 

yeah well you never worked anywhere 

that didn't serve drinks or liquor 

NOBODY works HERE on New Year's Day

we'll all just be in our beds

we won't even be 

FED

WHY do you think that 

everybody said see you friday before they left

because they aren't working 

BOTH 

I mean it might be all substitute teachers

BUT 

I mean

NOBODY told you you'd be ALONE, right 

there's no reason for you to think that

I FEEL like 

that's just designed to be 

provoking upset

SO

on that note

I've had as much fun as I can handle 

I'm leaving now 

I left her sitting in the meal room

told everybody happy new year as I walked by them the whole way out

called an Uber

went home

zoned out some more

didn't want to think about her enough to tell you about it 

then I stayed up 

but didn't watch fireworks or anything 

drank ANOTHER bottle of wine 

well

that's both celebration

& depleating inventory, right

emptying out the STUFF 

some precious six bag of wine

you've had sitting around for six - seven years

BUT 

I stayed up till five

& I can't really tell you what I did

here's to twenty twenty six

happy new year sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dreamy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I've been having VERY active DREAMS 

STUFF is going on in there

it's LIKE 

they don't want me to 

KNOW