YAY!!! (edited) how could I leave out the MOST important part -- who knows more about sports than me

the MULTI TALENTED 

BRILLIANT 

DB

!!!

good morning watchword for today is maintain

I dreamed 

I started working at some place 

some kind of mash up

of places I've worked 

before 

& the wanted me to pick a color code

for my schedule 

which I'm not exactly clear now

what that meant

BUT 

the code I picked

was BLUE 

I'm awake 

I'm drinking coffee 

I have anxiety about going to see her

BUT 

I want to interact with 

as many of her regular team

as possible 

to make it clear 

she need to

WORK

not just lay around and feel sorry for herself 

OR

WHATEVER 

ya KNOW 

she was seeming kinda scared and rejected 

& I ASKED her if she wanted to talk about it 

even though she greeted me with 

SO

you slept til TWO 

which was neither respectful nor friendly 

BUT 

she didn't WANT to 

TALK 

she wanted to complain 

& insinuate 

that I put her in a sh*tty place on purpose 

it's a boutique nursing home 

& one of only four choices I had

which I researched 

which she didn't 

want to do on her phone in the hospital room 

I called her nurse friend 

as per her request 

& that eliminated two of the four

one was fancier and close to me

one was less fancy

& NOT 

I put those as first and second choice

in the order of closeness

because if you don't 

stop by

THEN 

maybe nobody cares

& maybe when you are a f*CKing b*tch

they then just don't try so hard

BUT 

if it looks like people 

CARE

about you

they give you more

benefit of the doubt

MAYBE it doesn't matter 

dream time

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

little memories

my father was very vain

he was always looking in the mirror 

& he started going bald

very young

& he was

WEIRD 

about 

it

after the doctor had said that to me

maybe not right after, but generally 

my dad told me this big story

I think he was trying to 

EXPLAIN 

bulimia 

to me

not the best day ever

I don't feel good 

about today 

I went to the skilled nursing facility 

which is in a nursing home 

a really nice nursing home 

which she HATES 

it was WEIRD energy 

everybody else was super nice

I do feel like I need to go tomorrow 

although I really don't want to 

BUT 

then I have to take the weekend off at least 

this person 

who told me her name but I'm terrible at names 

SO I FORGOT 

but she said she was a supervisor 

THRUST 

this packet of paperwork AT ME

I read through it 

& I don't understand HOW this FITS 

with what I was TOLD at the hospital 

BUT 

I understand that if I sign any piece of THAT 

I'm legally liable for moneys 

supervisor was gone

I turned to my mom

I'm LIKE 

I can read this to you

you can read it yourself 

OR

we can get her in here to explain it to you 

BUT 

I ain't signin' sh*t

I don't have power of attorney 

& I don't have access to 

your money

SO

THIS 

is YOUR paperwork 

I filled in the information lines

good morning sweetheart

OK

well 

I listened to that song

& now it's stuck in my HEAD 

& it's TOO bouncy

& HAPPY 

to cry

SO

I guess I'm better

BUT 

I might still need to cry

MAYBE in the shower 

the extra sleep doesn't seem to have fixed me

I slept twelve hours 

I dreamed a BUNCH of stuff I can't remember 

although I DID have one dream

where I was taking a college 

class -- maybe I had taken it before 

MAYBE 

I was checking to see if I still had

the mental capacity 

OR

SOMETHING 

BUT 

there was a guy there

maybe it was you

& we were discussing the paper

& it was due in like six days

& we were like

maybe we should start on it -- ha ha

& then the professor 

came up to me

& wanted me to make some other student 

SEE something 

he opened the door 

there was a guy

sitting at the end of a long table full of people 

& he had like a jewelry making set up

& he had this case set up

that blocked him off

from the other people 

it was LARGELY glass

or possibly plexiglass 

SO 

it was SEE-THROUGH

& the prof could not explain it 

in a way that this guy

could SEE it

BUT 

for some reason 

I just pointed things out

in relation to 

people 

& he got it right away 

I don't know what that means 

& I'm EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL 

I'm not sure WHY

maybe just

overwrought 

BUT 

I saw two sad cat videos 

& my little monster 

stratched me

& I'm done

I'm having to work to hold back tears

MAYBE 

I should JUST 

CRY

I'm a wreck

more thoughts

alright I ate

STRESS ATE really 

I ordered a cheeseburger 

I had oatcakes and bone broth 

SO

I'm pretty light for the rest of the day

it was a good exercise 

because it made me realize 

I would have preferred 

to have

SOUP

I am loving the TOFU which is KINDA 

an experiment 

in phyto-estrogens

& plant protein 

it was supposed to have MISO TOO but it got 

TOO SALTY 

BUT 

in a TWIST 

the nutritional yeast 

has glutamine 

or glutamic acid

which is BIG UMAMI

& helps joint pain 

UNLESS 

I'm confused 

I'm too tired to cross check right now

AGAIN 

I'm not sure how coherent this is

BUT 

I'm finally getting to bed

I thought I'd say 

goodnight 

sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

this has been a hard few weeks 

NOT how I WANTED to be

spending them

this high def hard reality me

is hard to integrate

SHE wants to take over

BUT 

she's like my ironman suit

ALSO

I'm about to be fifty nine

BUT 

I don't FEEL 

ADULT 

& I can't quite explain that

semi hysterical ranting

OK

she's at the skilled nursing facility 

I am not certain

what the f*CK is going on

was she faking

she doesn't SEEM 

at all concerned

I ASKED her

if she was

FAKING

& she SAID 

all sarcastic voiced

YES I'm totally faking it 

SO

I MEAN 

MAYBE she is

& she can't say no

I was going to wait with her at the hospital until they came to pick her up and take her

THEN

I thought 

I'll just go with in the ambulance and get her settled and take an uber from there

BUT 

the step on the ambulance was too high to manage with my janky knees

SO

I ended up

NOT going with

& calling an uber 

BUT 

I was in some weird place

the uber just put the hospital & the driver couldn't find me & nobody knew what the street was

& I got semi-hysterical

& started crying a little bit 

& I'm TOAST

I'm not even sure I'm coherent

I'm gonna eat & go to sleep 

I have to go see c*nty tomorrow 

BUT 

then maybe I can have a break 

it's not like they are gonna let me watch her

WORK OUT 

& I don't want to VISIT the ratchet skibbity c*nt

early morning thoughts

I slept in til five

I don't really need to see the cardiologist 

& she might be released today 

to the skilled nursing facility 

SO

I might need to be there longer, maybe 

idk

I'm about at the end of my

ability to bounce back

I hope I don't have to stay longer

I maybe didn't respond to 

something I should have responded to 

& I'm maybe just afraid 

if I get too excited 

I might jinx it

somehow

OR

maybe I just didn't have the bandwidth 

I'm honestly not sure now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day