scattered today

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I made some noodles 

they were a little bit much

weather

HEAVY RAIN 

--- flood advisory ---

in los angeles 

up to santa barbara 

at least

I'm watching a news 

KTLA five

california is having a hell of a year

FIRE

and FLOOD

ICE

product placement for FESTIVAL--LAND

I FEEL different 

I feel like a big

CHUNK

of something is

GONE

from my shoulder/upper-mid-back area

I feel 

vulnerable 

in some way I can't explain 

I WISH 

there was some 

WAY 

to

BETTER 

track & quantify 

this whole transformation 

(or whatever)

PROCESS 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

OH

I had a dream I remember 

I got in this car

it was an old car 

I can't tell you what kind

maybe 

some kind of eighties towncar or something 

not a specifically COOL car on it's own

BUT 

it was painted

where every panel had a border of a couple inches

& it gave the effect of

a women's suit

or

SOMETHING 

(enhanced the slight boxiness)

I got in

& I drove straight through 

this concave like conceptual meadow 

I'm not describing that very well

it was a grassy area

designed

for

lounging and playing 

a reverse hill

BUT 

not deep

& a bigish area

I'm not sure WHY I drove through it 

I wanted to get to the other side

I wanted to drive the car

BUT 

not very 

FAR

(because I didn't think it was in great working order and it wasn't my car but it WAS allowed to drive it)

when I came out the other side 

OH

I didn't mention 

this was at some kind of 

FESTIVAL 

a BUNCH of people 

YELLED 

things at me

it's NOT ALLOWED to DRIVE on the GRASS 

THAT was COOL 

YOU are SUCH a BADASS

& I was LIKE oh yeah I did know that I wasn't supposed to drive on the grass -- I wasn't thinking about THAT 

I didn't realize anyone was watching 

I wasn't actually TRYING to be a BADASS

BUT ok cool

I'm not sure that 

CAPTURES

the experience 

it was KINDA exhilarating 

the DOING of it

is the CAR going to be ABLE to do THIS 

will I screw the suspension up

is it TOO DEEP 

TOO DAMP

FOOD booths

on the other side

what will the car be like to drive

I don't KNOW 

HOW much 

was wanting to DRIVE the car

(and this was just an obvious location)

& HOW much 

was wanting to SEE what this 

LOCATION 

would be like to DRIVE 

BUT 

it WAS

EXHILARATING 

& THAT 

SEEMED 

like a good enough 

REASON 

(and it seemed like product placement for FESTIVAL--LAND)

it was a weird day

I did eat

some more broth

with noodles 

& a little bit 

of fish

which I wasn't sure about 

BUT 

which doesn't seem to have caused me problems 

I slept like four hours 

& now I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

not a good daughter

she was gonna eat something 

& then call me back 

BUT 

my general impression was that she

THOUGHT

she could drive herself 

my headache has

MIGRAINED

so I texted her and said I wasn't sure I was safe to drive anymore 

she didn't respond 

SO

I called her 

& she's been reading 

I guess 

the tests are for intestinal blockages 

because she's constipated 

she's not allowed to drink much 

& she's on diuretics 

constipation is pretty normal 

BUT 

her doctor is

VERY cautious

I'm not sure what that has to do with 

LUNG FLUID 

which I thought was the problem 

I'm LIKE 

I'm not sure I'm safe to drive 

you seemed like you were, but you were going to call me BACK

ARE you ok to drive yourself 

she says yes

none of it makes sense 

I'm SURE something will be my fault LATER 

BUT 

for now 

it's just me and my headache and nausea 

in the dark-ish room

under a weighted blanket 

BOTH

trying to feel good enough to eat solid food

AND

demonstrating why she doesn't want me to be her caregiver 

ratchet skibbity c*nt

I feel sick

I have a headache 

I took two ibuprofen and a Tylenol 

I choked down some broth

& some tea

I took a shower 

I called her

I ask how she FEELS 

she says great

& does not sound sarcastic 

I'm telling her I feel bad

dizzy, headache, nausea

I think I'm getting sick

does she need me to drive her

or does she think she is able to do it

she was asleep 

so I'm like

get up

go to the bathroom 

drink some coffee and I'll call you back

I call her back

she went back to sleep

I'm trying to determine if I need to go 

the IDEA of walking to her house 

SEEMS 

nearly impossible 

she's like 

call me back -- I'm really getting up this time

I call her back

I'm LIKE

do you need me to drive you

I'm LIKE 

do you feel better than yesterday 

she's like 

I don't know 

I'm LIKE 

when I called you said you felt great

yesterday you said you were a minus ten on a scale with ten being death's door

OH

well then I guess I feel better than yesterday 

she's like 

come over and read the stuff the doctor gave me

then we'll decide 

I'm LIKE 

I don't understand 

can you not read it

she's like it's 

FOUR PAGES

I'm LIKE 

I'm telling you I have a headache 

I feel nauseated 

I'm afraid I might have diarrhea 

although I haven't yet

I feel SICK 

if you NEED me to come drive you

because you cannot drive yourself 

I am willing to do THAT 

I am NOT willing to WALK over

which seems like too much

& then read stuff and dither around for you to decide if you NEED help

if you don't need help

I need to go back to bed

she's like 

FINE

let me eat something 

& call me back

interesting

that dream

made me think about my

actual godfather 

who I've never met

al footnick 

my dad worked with him

at the local television station 

I THINK 

as a camera man

filming local boxing matches

turns out

he's like a media production guy 

back to sleep after peeing

I forgot 

I wrote my biology paper

on the effects of 

LSD on the brain 

back in high school 

I've never taken it

BUT 

I saw a snippet of a video 

that was talking about 

sinesthesia

I'm not sure why

MAYBE 

that

prompted the HUXLEY 

dunno

dream

not awake yet

DREAM 

they called me

I went to SEE 

it was a job

it pays a bunch of money to be a receptionist 

at a small office where the phone rarely rings

my great godfather 

ALDOUS HUXLEY 

TOLD them to hire me

there are secret fundraisers

& some guy

who might be related to me

who is also HUXLEY godchild 

that I tried to go to a dinner

with him & his wife

that maybe I knew

but haven't seen for years