okay I'm really going to bed now goodnight sweetheart

I was thinking about 

WHEEL you to CANADA

today

& that great story 

about mis-heard SONGS 

whittle you to kindling

it made me

HAPPY 

snow in hot places

ANXIOUS 

& terrified 

are

MAKING an APPEARANCE 

still not asleep 

gotta stop 

thinking

thinking 

TOO much 

gotta HOLD

the JOY 

the day it sn❄️we'd los angeles

and then he said that thing

I FORGOT the

FIRST part

he had christmas music

which normally 

I KINDA 

like

but this year I'm right off it

& they were PLAYING let it snow on the RADIO 

& I SAID let it snow ❄️ 

let it snow ❄️

I've been taking Ubers

to see my mom

& I've been thinking 

it was because I didn't want to deal with parking 

& walking further on my knees

BUT 

I think 

it's actually for the

RANDOM HUMAN interaction 

the guy who brought me home today 

his daughter 

is SIX

she wants to see

SNOW 

for christmas 

she doesn't understand 

WHY

it doesn't snow here

LIKE 

in the christmas MOVIES 

SNOW 

is 

pretty 

MAGICAL 

you could take her somewhere it snows

yeah, I was thinking of Colorado

is it snowing now in colorado 

I'm not sure 

I think SO 

I was in keystone once for a conference 

in APRIL 

there was STILL snow on the ground 

I think colorado sounds 

WONDERFUL 

& there ALL IN to

OUTDOORS 

so there's 

LOTS 

of STUFF to DO 

outdoors 

it's a LOT the RESPONSIBILITY 

it's the first 

TRULY 

PERMANENT 

commitment 

I MEAN 

I guess they'll be 

ADULTS 

but

yeah

I'm exhausted

well

I had the meeting 

BUT 

it wasn't exactly what I thought it was gonna be 

I've got a LOT of RESEARCH to do 

she just wants to b*tch and complain 

she doesn't really want to 

ENGAGE with REALITY 

her physical therapist 

says

she CAN stand

she just seems to be 
AFRAID 

she refuses to do anything except what she is made to do

& she is in charge 

SO

if she tells them 

NO 

they can't make her

she's verbally abusive 

I was having a conversation with her

you know how if you're rude to a waiter

they might spit in your food

WELL 

these are PEOPLE with FEELINGS 

you NEED to treat the with RESPECT and 

NOT be calling them

"dumb b*tches"

when you're screaming that at me

you don't think they can ALL HEAR THAT 

can you just ACT LIKE a NICE person 

if they do something that hurts

can you not just SAY

that HURTS 

PLEASE 

do x,y,z instead of what you're doing 

I ate & I was gonna go gather trash at her apartment 

BUT 

I think my head hurts too bad

I think I'm just going to go to sleep 

get up in the morning 

to do research 

I'm not going to go see her tomorrow 

I may watch a show to decompress 

I'm not freaking out anymore 

BUT 

I AM a little overwhelmed 

NOW

anytime I'm talking about anything to do with 

REALITY, basically 

she says I'm being 

MEAN to her

I'm KINDA over it

she says they are

BEATING her

& MUTILATING her

show me a bruise I say

look at my butt, she says

she has been complaining LOUDLY about 

constipation 

they're giving her laxatives

& monday they gave her an enema 

which she said had no effect 

on monday night

then today she says

she had a five hour ordeal enema yesterday 

she didn't have another enema

& I'm SURE they didn't spend five hours 

giving her an enema on monday 

she bruises very easy

she has no bruises

since she lies constantly 

I don't believe her

this whole thing is likely to get

WEIRDER

before it gets better 

I talked to the doctor who comes once a week 

she's gonna give her a mild anti-depressant

there's an exercise session 

EVERY DAY

BUT 

she's been refusing to go to that

the same way she's 

REFUSING 

everything else

I told the activity director 

that i'd REALLY 

REALLY 

like her to do that EVERY day 

BUT 

they can't MAKE her

MAN

I really wish

she would do things in her own best interest

good morning sweetheart, I hope you have a beautiful day

I dreamed 

we were in our early to mid twenties 

& at some kind of

RETREAT 

or something 

& we slept in the same bed

& it was very 

INTIMATE

& cool & stuff 

we didn't have s*x, I don't think 

BUT 

we bonded

& it's all kinda fuzzy

BUT 

I feel better 

this morning 

exhausted, going to bed

I'm going to talk to the social worker tomorrow 

assuming the meeting is still happening 

I did find her Charles Schwab statement 

& she doesn't seem to be lying about 

having money

I will talk to her

& probably 

her lawyer

if I can find him

I don't really think I can live with 

turning her over to the state

or whatever 

BUT 

I don't want to be 

TRAPPED 

into anything 

& I don't trust her at all

SO

IDK

what is going to happen 

BUT 

I'm trying to keep an open mind

I'm not signing anything 

until I feel like I have a handle on it

BUT 

I don't want to be the worst person ever 

EITHER 

I didn't go see her

& I didn't try to call back

& if she & marian worked out

something on their own to cut me out

THAT

is A OK with me 

BUT 

I don't think power of attorney 

gives me the power to make her go into a nursing home if she doesn't want to 

I think it gives me power 

to act FOR her

BUT 

NOT 

OVER her

& I'm not sure that helps

because she WANTS 

OFTEN 

contradictory sh*t 

or crazy sh*t

& I don't want to hear it anymore 

ANYWAY 

I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope to be more fun

hopefully soon

goodnight 

❤️

weird dream

I forgot to tell you about my dream 

I had my old car

brick red

buick century

& I had it full

of bolt action rifles 

the wooden handles matched the car

they were visible through the window 

& the lot was full of national guard, or something 

somebody I was conspiring with

had, I think, explosives

in their car

& they

we're

freaking out 

BUT 

it was fine

nobody noticed anything 

I'm not sure what we were going to do 

we didn't do it in the dream

utxhfxlgdvitdhr75#+&$(&"63@+

I was going to the SNF to see my mom

BUT 

then her friend marian 

called & was wanting to know my mom's 

attorney because my mom wants to get a power of attorney drawn up

& I don't think I want to do that

it says I have to pay her taxes

& manage all her affairs 

& probably not get

PAID for it if I'm family

I don't want that

I realize

I could then put her away

which is I'm SURE 

why this hasn't happened before 

BUT 

I don't feel like 

this is good for me

she can't remember her lawyer's name

I'm freaking out 

FREAKING OUT

MAYBE 

I will go see her tonight 

MAYBE 

I'm done for today 

I sort of think 

I'm going to her apartment to try to find

STATEMENTS

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

SEND positive vibes my way

FREAKING OUT 

morning

I think I forgot to take my 

L-theanine yesterday 

my ANXIETY is 

HIGH 

I feel like I want to 

CRY, again 

I'm stressed about seeing the social worker 

I'm stressed about leaving the house now 

to be clear 

the social worker called me 

told me if I wanted to be

present 

I could come

or call in

the social worker seems to be just assigned to the CASE

not anything to do with 

ME

BUT 

I feel like I should be there 

SO I know what is going on 

BUT 

I have irrational fear

that people are going to MAKE me 

I don't WANT to SEE her TODAY 

I don't feel like I can handle 

ANYTHING 

I'm sure I CAN 

BUT 

I'm feeling run screaming from the room energy 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a more

psychologically steady

beautiful day 

I'm having some issues 

BUT 

I have faith in myself 

I will pull this out

I'm not trying to abandon her 

I'm just not willing to 

SACRIFICE myself for her

I AM

& I WANT to be the

gentle, fragile, parts of myself 

that I WANT to be

BUT 

I don't feel SAFE 

& SO I'm stuck

with the iron man suit

& I guess 

THAT is what I'm weepy about

f*CK

I think I am at least partially weepy

that I don't trust my mother

I WANT to have a mother

who loves and protects me

OR

WHO DID 

BUT 

I'm the one who has the mother

who just non-stop 

tries to manipulate me

who is trying to remember how to 

PRETEND

in the hopes of manipulating me

& I don't know what 

of the things she says 

is TRUE, if anything 

& I'm tired

JUST TIRED

& SAD

& SCARED

& wishing there was a WAY to 

CONTROL the situation 

so I felt like I could handle it

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much

I took a long bath 

I was nodding off in the chair 

I'm sleepy 

sleepy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

more thoughts

BUT 

I AM making it sound like 

sh*t is NOT about to get

MORE complicated 

MORE intense

DANGEROUS 

BUT 

it IS 

I know it is

& the IDEA that I'm not going to have to deal with her stuff 

seems

vanishingly small 

I FEEL 

vulnerable 

& I WISH 

I felt 

braver

thoughts

I gotta say

if I had known things would go the way they have 

MAYBE 

I would have run the other way

I wasn't doing any of this

FOR HER

I was trying to 

RESOLVE 

myself 

&

I didn't realize 

that there was no there there with her

&

I find it

SAD

&

DISAPPOINTING 

BUT 

this is just who she is

she seems more coherent 

she says she signed her 

paperwork 

BUT 

I'm not going to be her caregiver 

&

I KNOW she THINKS 

her telling me 

she has all this money 

is supposed to make me want to sit on her

to make sure I get it, but that was

NEVER my GOAL

there's a social worker 

coming to see her wednesday 

maybe that will get her activated 

I'm not trying to 

RUN 

BUT 

I'm not taking on responsibility for her

she has to decide what she wants to do 

with my being caregiver 

NOT 

an option 

it's all JUST, I mean 

I don't even know what to believe 

& HOW will I know when her cagey ludicrous answers to direct questions are JUST her b*llsh*t

& WHEN 

they cross over into

SENILE 

I mean I 

WISH

I had completely resolved all my issues 

BUT 

that's probably not realistic 

SHE couldn't remember what my second degree was in, but she also wouldn't come to the second graduation ceremony 

I ALREADY DID ONE

she lovingly

explained

LIKE 

I already humored you once

WHY

are you trying to make me acknowledge you 

AGAIN 

SO

I didn't even take that as a possible proof of 

memory loss

jason

just can't be relied on

not to f*CK me up

I've given him chances

NOW he has to

LIVE with the

CONSEQUENCES of PROVING himself 

UNSAFE 

I'm ONLY doing 

ONE

TOXIC 

family member at a time

& he hasn't given me 

ANYTHING 

that makes me WANT to put him ON DECK

SO

I'm sorry 

HE

had a bad life, if he did

he's just gonna have to deal with people who can deal with him

I don't 

BELIEVE 

I am one of those people 

when I went to see him and my dad back in 2007

it was my assessment at the time

that time with my dad 

would not be productive 

I was just gonna have to figure that sh*t out 

ON MY OWN

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try 

dream myself 

BACK 

to

some semblance of me

I recognized 

not going to see her tomorrow either 

weather excuse 

gonna try to 

work on

STUFF 

I'm not sure 

HOW I'm doing 

everything has an unsettling quality to it

Jason has been sending me things I'm not opening 

I have all these feelings I can't find a name for 

I feel like I haven't been very fun

for ages

& I intermittently have 

I wanna dance with somebody 

stuck in my HEAD 

I've had a headache all day

& my knees

are stiff

& uncomfortable 

which is to say

BETTER 

I think