another weird day

it's been a weird day 

I took a nap

BUT 

something happened 

I FEEL different 

I texted my mom

I asked her how she was doing 

I told her

I was gonna suggest that we go to lunch

& she could catch me up on all her medical

BUT 

I hurt my knee

& I don't think I can get around 

well enough for that

& I had a headache 

SO

I didn't want to talk on the phone

SO

I was just checking in on her SITUATION 

she said she was doing okay 

she just missed me

my therapist texted me to confirm tomorrow 

& then again, because I was asleep 

& didn't text back

my knee is messed up 

it's on the mend

BUT 

how about we make it next week 

I don't really think she misses me

& honestly 

I think I'm making good progress without 

my therapist 

BUT 

I feel like 

some kind of threshold 

I can't explain 

it doesn't make sense 

& remembering hearing cabaret for the first time

NOT Liza Minnelli 

I was pretty little 

BUT 

I remember my connection to her

FEELING for

ELSIE 

although I didn't understand that she seems to have been a prostitute 

I understood that she was

not appreciated 

by a lot of people 

but she lived life

somehow that was true to her

& life is short

this was probably after my friend 

(an older woman who lived like two doors down that I went to visit pretty frequently)

had died

SO

maybe the concept was pretty new

I can still remember 

I went to her house and knocked on the door

& what I can ONLY assume was her daughter 

answered the door 

I asked if I could see her

& she just looked

HORRIFIED

& kinda sick -- like I guess she was afraid she was gonna have to explain death to me

BUT 

she just said 

NO

she's not here

she's 

GONE

I guess I was three-ish into four

I don't know 

it's been a weird day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I guess I'm going to go back to sleep 

I hope I get some

dream answers 

last night's dreams 

raised more questions than they answered

don't know what this means

I just woke up

I WAS gonna get up at nine

BUT 

I didn't get a lot of sleep 

SO

THAT was adjusted

nine thirty, ten, ten thirty, eleven fifteen 

until I finally got up at eleven forty five, because you see, I got up to pee and was LIKE 

I'm not doing much walking around 

TODAY

may as well sleep so more

BUT 

I was having this weird dream 

STUFF was being delivered 

it was my gran gran's house

BIG STUFF 

I'm never SURE what it MEANS when

I'm in a childhood location 

BUT 

all the context has changed 

is the lady in the dream

who I'm not even 

CLEAR 

if I knew IN the DREAM 

is she supposed to represent ME 

is it something to do with 

trauma reference point

WHY

THIS location 

& even though I'm pretty sure one of the big things was a piano

& my gran gran HAD a piano

SOMEHOW 

the SOUND system

was being 

DISCONNECTED

& thereby improved

although she emphatically didn't have a sound system -- she had a record player you could pull down off a shelf that folded up into a sort of carrying case & then you open it to play

forty fives, thirty three & a third, & seventy eights

she HAD some seventy eights

I wasn't thinking about any of that in the DREAM 

I'm not sure what to make of

the actual dream

just things arriving 

& discussion of

logistics 

knee issues

I didn't tell you 

I hurt my knee

the cat has been dragging in

STICKER BURRS

& I stepped on one

BUT 

I had a plate & bowl in one hand

& my phone in the other

& when I jumped

I did something funny

& my knee popped 

ANYWAY 

I've been icing it

& it's not like damaged

BUT 

it's been somewhat challenging to walk around 

it's MUCH better 

I'm fixin to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I think I just wasn't done being 

sick so I had to hurt myself 

it's WEIRD 

that I seem to get sick

when I really need to PROCESS 

BUT 

I AM pretty WEIRD 

it might not be real

BUT 

it seems like my back fat has diminished 

I look less "roll"-y to me

I still don't want to be fat

I guess 

I just don't want to be 

SMALL 

EITHER 

I don't know 

I want to TAKE UP a certain amount of SPACE 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you 

I forgot

OH

I forgot something important 

that soup

eighty five grams of protein 

soup surprised

breakfast soup 

I didn't take pictures -- I felt silly --  it didn't LOOK significantly different 

BUT 

I was super happy 

with the taste

I decided I didn't want to go full hot & sour

I didn't want THAT hot

& I wanted a little 

BRIGHTER 

I used the HODO tofu SMALL cubed

& I left out the EGG

I held back on the white pepper 

ENOUGH to taste

BUT 

not covering the flavors of the mushroom,  daikon, and seaweed

a TINY bit of the black garlic tamari balsamic vinegar that I am currently using for soy sauce substitute 

& a healthy amount of the other vinegar I bought at that cool store in iowa 

they had a thing set up where you could

SAMPLE 

I tasted an embarrassing number of flavors 

I ended up with 

black garlic tamari dark balsamic vinegar 

&

CUCUMBER 

I was SURPRISED -- I didn't even know there WAS WHITE balsamic vinegar -- and sure I like cucumber, but it BEAT --  MEYER LEMON (brain exploding emoji)

I also put in a dash of what is now my default 

HEAT -- but I mean just a TINY dash because this STUFF is HOT

BUT the FLAVOR is SO good

I'm LIKE 

not enough for me to specifically taste it

JUST 

underneath

H&S soup

vinegar 

there's some debate 

which kind

+

white pepper

I remember WHY I was like OH never mind

TOO many ingredients 

TOO 

FIDDLY 

this is not from the hot & sour region

BUT 

it's MOSTLY 

method hot & sour-oise

i got a little carried away 

it's TOO hot

& it's not the right thickness 

because I'm not going to use corn starch

I mixed in some nutritional yeast 

it thickens it up some

& it adds a fair amount

MORE

protein 

if I put TOFU & egg (the one above has egg)

with the nutritional yeast 

I MIGHT be looking at 

FORTY grams 

of protein 

pretty quick 

this could be the breakfast

I gotta go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

you are

AWESOME 

& I'm grateful to know you 

I'm holding you

CLOSE 

tonight