my day so far

I talked to charley 

the self described long-term student 

who led the meditation 

& I talked to emily 

who described herself as staff

& gave me her email in case I ever need anything 

or have any questions 

I had to say something 

so I was talking about the level of anxiety 

about the state of the world and the 

attempt to track

HOW MUCH 

of that is

OBJECTIVELY WORSE

& how much was just my 

not paying proper attention before 

she understood what I was talking about 

& when I mentioned that it doesn't help

that news is specifically geared to

get that response 

& the CLICKS

& whatnot

she was LIKE, yeah, I don't even like the things I like anymore because of the level everyone seems to think you're supposed to take it to

and I understood that 

& I suppose part of the problem is 

TALKING about it 

doesn't 

DO 

MUCH 

and I'm reading about centers

in texas

where they are putting 

EIGHT year old

PREGNANT 

GIRLS

where

I'm wondering 

WHAT is the likelihood that they even make it out

ALIVE

am I SUPPOSED to meditate myself 

CALM from THAT 

or would a more appropriate response be

to f*CK sh*t up

BUT 

I'm not really in a state to f*CK sh*t up

I'm trying to put my 

OXYGEN MASK 

on FIRST 

BUT 

then I hear that black soldiers 

didn't even get the g.i. bill

& I'm LIKE 

f*CK

AM I 

part of 

the problem 

I'm exhausted and all I DID was meditate

for an HOUR 

talk to two people 

& stop at levant bbq

where I got a stuffed potato 

& shook hands with daniel the pit master

I guess I talked to him too

I watched a little news

looked for someplace else to go

because TODAY 

is going to be exciting 

BUT 

JUJITSU 

these people are 

I've been calling 'em

KEYSTONE n*zis

BUT 

that FEELS flippant NOW 

like keystone cops

I WANT

to take a nap

my HEAD hurts 

BUT 

I ALSO want to be the resistance TOO 

IS that

CRAZY 

it FEELS a little 

CRAZY 

I love you

check in

I went to the tibetan buddhist meditation thingy 

it was easier to find than things sometimes are & it was good 

I might need to do something else

to get the excitement in

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to sleep 

LOTS of 

fragments of thought 

SOMETHING exciting is going to happen tomorrow 

I don't know what yet

sprouts update

still growing 

thoughts march 21st

I chanted nam myoho renge kyo 

last night for like idk an hour-ish before bed

& my intention was a little foggy

SOMETHING 

around

raising my consciousness 

getting back to a place where I am not avoiding 

people mostly 

I guess 

& THEN

I passed out and slept for more than 

TWELVE hours

& DREAMED

and dreamed and dreamed

about all kinda crazy scenarios with people 

ALSO 

I was flying around in a helicopter 

I got it caught in a tree

& had to figure out how to get it down

I don't know what any of that 

MEANS 

it felt like I was working through some stuff

I'm listening to the chanting now

while I type this

I guess I want to become 

a magnet for wonderful experiences 

I want to ENJOY being around people 

I want to find people enriching 

instead of draining

I feel like I had that ability in my past

I'm not unhappy 

BUT 

I need to put myself out there as they say

in order for the UNIVERSE to have

OPPORTUNITIES to 

GIVE me

all the stuff it's lining up

& I need to connect with the humans

I've shut down in ways I need to

crank back up

thoughts about special stuff

I've been thinking about it 

I never got to go to

any kind of

SUMMER 

CAMP

&

I didn't have the joy of dairy queen 

BUT 

if you followed the apartment property 

if you went out on the one side

there was the bottle smashing bar

& the baby giant convenience store 

on the other side there was a

whataburger

& a vacant lot

in the summer there was a SNOW CONE stand

my dad did their sign I think

they had a bajillion

FLAVORS

& SOMETIMES we got snow cones

that's the closest thing I can think of

WELL

there was ASTROWORLD they had season passes

BUT 

you still had to get someone to 

TAKE 

you

I was writing this when I fell asleep I wasn't in a groggy state when I was writing but then I got in bed and passed out without finishing

I've been doing that

nam myoho renge kyo chant

I don't know whether I think it does anything or not 

BUT 

I DO

LIKE 

chanting 

& I can get on board with chanting

MAYBE mix it UP 

I did find another 

buddhist temple

they teach zen meditation in English

in a free thing that runs

for several months

with dharma talks after

from the reviews it seems like it's really good 

& pretty diverse 

it is taiwan based

& the information videos 

seem somewhat like they're selling you a timeshare or something 

SO

I'm not sure about it either 

there are a bunch of temples that don't have anything in English

I guess 

if I want to understand what's going on 

I have to pick my poison 

now if it's not religion I want 

MAYBE 

the jung center is more like my speed

I've found TWO parks

one east & one west

roughly within a five mile radius 

that have "health and wellness programming"

which I didn't even know was a thing 

ya KNOW what else I used to enjoy 

that I'm not sure I remember how to do

PLAY backgammon 

I used to play it with gigi all the time 

& I thought it had

a really good balance of skill to luck

made it still fun to play

even if the skill levels of players were 

poorly matched