I haven't listened to that

YET

my mom is

being 

CONFUSING again 

she MIGHT be 

having a 

SHINGLES outbreak 

OR

she

MIGHT 

JUST be f*CKing with me

she doesn't 

ANSWER 

questions properly 

so idk

WHAT is ACTUALLY going on 

BUT 

we are going to urgent care 

MOMENTARILY 

either

she doesn't 

UNDERSTAND 

WHAT

information is

SALIENT

or she just WANTS me to 

DROP everything 

& deal with

HER

I find it

ALMOST impossible 

to take SERIOUSLY 

from the angle she comes at me with

& I don't know if 

that's because she's just

NOT ABLE 

to just tell the truth or what

ANYWAY 

my evening just took

an UNPLEASANT turn 

I hope your day is BETTER than mine

I LOVE you 

sweetheart 🫶

I LOVE you 

VERY 

MUCH 

I'm gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚

❤️

I THINK 

MAYBE 

what I really wanted 

was to see

what you see

BUT 

I'm not sure

whether that's 

really 

possible 

I have so much trouble with 

moving through 

SPACE

there was this one

TUNNEL 

type thing

&

if you're in the wrong lane

you go to burbank 

BURBANK

is cute

it's a whole 

VIBE

I've been there

LIKE 

three times

I've tried to go

ZERO 

times

I drive around 

I get lost

I hit traffic

I CRY

I FREAK out

it felt

LONELY 

&

SOMEHOW 

I NEVER 

FOUND

EREWON 

I LOVE the

JAPANESE art wing

at LACMA

it was

a treasured memory 

&

then I went to the

SNACK place

to get a

DRINK

& I ended up

TALKING 

to these guys

roughly my age who were obviously a couple 

& they KEPT apologizing 

for ALL the RAIN 

& I MEAN 

I GET that it's 

NOT SUPPOSED to rain in L.A. 

BUT 

the point I couldn't QUITE get across way

it WASN'T ACTUALLY RAINING 

there was what

MIGHT 

PERHAPS 

QUALIFY as a MIST

LIKE 

a regular person would

NEVER

BOTHER with an umbrella

NO MATTER 

HOW far 

they were walking 

THEY 

THEMSELVES 

did not SEEM to have

UMBRELLAS

I THINK 

with the CITIES 

NEW YORK 

I have a strong

I can FEEL all the 

PEOPLE 

in this kind of swirling

CLAUSTROPHOBIC 

MASS of

GHOST 

& it was

FRIGHTENING 

oppressive 

with CHICAGO 

it just

FELT 

REAL

BIG 

but OPEN, manageable somehow 

BUT 

it probably wouldn't be 

in the WINTER 

I can still remember 

when we got cable

the WEATHER channel saying

CHICAGO

is having SPRING like fifty five degrees

AND

I'm all LIKE 

fifty five is DEEP into NEED a COAT weather

WHAT the serious f*CK

LOS ANGELES 

is AGORAPHOBIC 

it's a city type I understand 

BUT 

there's MORE of all the bits I find

CHALLENGING 

the FREEWAY is 

SO BEAUTIFUL that I just want to 

DRIVE

ONLY 

TRAFFIC 

I found WILSHIRE 

almost 

INSTINCTIVELY 

VONS

is that the name of the grocery store 

I ate in their hot food department 

more than once

it's WEIRD that

you've seen it before 

in film and television and whatnot

there was some VIBE 

that didn't 

FIT

ME

MAYBE 

it's a sense of

PROBABLY a lot of it is

PRECONCEIVED 

MAYBE 

I didn't feel like 

I could HANDLE it 

BUT 

if I lived there

I'd probably 

LOVE it, eventually 

it's BEAUTIFUL 

how could you ultimately 

AVOID 

loving it

BUT 

OVERWHELMING 

that book

the Republic for which it stands 

is gonna take me

a while to get through 

it is

INFORMATION dense

&

reconstruction is a period of 

american history 

that I would have said 

I'm deficient 

BUT 

I actually know more than I thought 

so far, at least

because I know bits from here and there

that I just didn't have a 

FULL picture 

BUT 

MAN

is the reconstruction & gilded age

f*CKed UP

parallels are WHY I'm reading it 

I wanted to do

PROGRESSIVE period

BUT 

CONTEXT

AND

I want to make clear

I'm NOT saying 

YOU 

are pressuring me

I'm saying 

I FEEL 

PRESSURE 

I DID donate

I LOVE you 

my plan

ORIGINALLY 

was to go to 30A

BUT 

there were some 

COMPLICATIONS 

& NOW 

I'm not sure what is going on 

I want to see you 

I'm NOT NOT going 

BUT 

there are a lot of 

VARIABLES 

money & distance & cold

& this is all

STILL 

difficult for me

SO

I can't tell you 

WHAT I'm doing and I feel 

PRESSURE 

& GUILT

ABOUT not being able to tell you

&

ABOUT MAYBE NOT being

the support 

you want 

AND

I feel like 

I was a downer at all the shows

I've been to since

portland 

SO

just know 

I LOVE you 

I WANT to see you

BUT 

I don't want to freak myself out 

and do this

MANIC

FRIGHTENED

whip myself into a frenzy of

I MUST

I'm sorry if that

SOUNDS 

sh*tty

I FEEL like 

it MAYBE does

& I have a BUNCH of FEELS about it 

BUT 

I do not have myself sorted, yet

it MAYBE 

sounds self serving

to say that I'd like to not feel

LIKE a basket case

ROLLin UP

on can't barely function 

AND

I'm aware that life is 

UNCERTAIN 

at the best 

of times

which t*ump-time is not

& none of that

makes any of it easier to make decisions 

I CARE about 

HOW you 

FEEL 

& honestly there are a bunch of shows

I WANT specifically to SEE 

BUT 

I don't have anything I can tell you

right now

I'm very sorry

it is possible that I won't be able to 

or that it's a bad time for me 

right now

I just don't know YET 

I really hope you 

UNDERSTAND 

good morning sweetheart 💋 

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

❤️

the Republic for which it stands

I liked 57

because I liked 

thinking about the five and seven

BUT 

fifty eight 

is fine

I'm not sure 

what I'm doing tomorrow 

well, today now, I guess

I'm not sure if it will be fun

I was thinking about 

going to the museum 

BUT 

it's COLD 

I'm staying home 

LISTENING to 

HISTORY 

I might paint too

BUT 

I ONLY have 

WATERCOLOR 

at home

I'm going to try to 

SLEEP now

goodnight sweetheart 💋

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

👾🫚

❤️

my mom and I

HAVE been

going to the studio on Fridays

BUT 

then she was wanting to watch the stock market

SO

a few times I've offered saturday 

BUT 

then sometimes it rains and she doesn't want to be driving around in the 

RAIN

all of that is just background 

I texted her this morning 

LIKE 

HEY are we doing this 

& she's LIKE 

check the weather 

NO rain today 

I can check saturday weather for you 

if you want

BUT 

it's my birthday and I have plans 

she didn't want to go to the studio 

BUT she did want to go to

LUNCH 

not until ONE o'clock, though

so I had a little time to 

RESEARCH 

beta glucans

there's a NOTE on the DOOR 

& counter-intuitively

SUNDAY 

is the day 

they are COMING BACK 

to work on the 

WATER

the STREET is half torn up

& LOOKS like 

they're TRYING to 

BUILD a 

CANAL

POSSIBLY 

this is

UNrelated

&

the apartments are bringing in

PLUMBERS

who work on 

SUNDAY?!

because SURELY city workers

don't work on SUNDAY 

I'm gonna try to sleep a little 

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶

👾🫚

❤️

the only time 

in my lifetime 

that it

SNOWED 

enough to count

was on

my sixth birthday

there was 

SNOW 

on the ground 

for THREE days

AND

there was just ENUF SNOW 

to make a SNOWMAN 

my dad and me

he used

LIGHT BULBS

for eyes

BUT 

when I was there

I found out

DEB

who is

NEWER to the group

&

who I KINDA like

although I don't really know her

turns out

she has the SAME birthday as me

SAME year too

& she just 

got back

from 

JAPAN 

when I was at that PARTY 

which I guess I 

NEVER 

EXPLAINED

was a going away party for one of the artists 

he's eighty five

& he's going 

to live

in a

grandfather house next to his granddaughter 

who is a nurse

which wasn't the story I got before 

BUT 

circumstances may have changed 

ANYWAY 

he isn't being forced or anything 

he SEEMS happy about it 

GOD DAMN it

for some god-damned reason 

I looked at Facebook 

BEFORE 

going to the shower 

& jason has this picture of dad

holding him

&

the picture is all

MANGLED

with duct tape on the torn edge

LIKE 

a RIPSTOP 

jason looks kinda blank

dad looks somewhat insane 

JUST 

GO

TO

the SHOWER 

I'm having some

ANXIETY 

about

DISASTER 

from every direction 

I MEAN 

he's not even in charge yet

I HAVE to 

figure out

HOW 

NOT 

to SPIRAL 

down the spiral 

MAYBE 

I'm doing worse than I thought 

DID I 

stay in bed EXTRA today 

BECAUSE 

I could do that extra self care

OR

am I 

TAKING 

to my bed

AM I

a RELIABLE narrator 

I THINK that I AM 

and I think I was holding it at bay

and at this moment I'm not so much

there's SOMETHING going on with the water

and there was no notification 

or anything, but it seems like they might be working on it 

SO

they water might go OFF

& I haven't 

BATHED in a WHILE 

SO

I'm gonna 

SHOWER 

at NIGHT 

which I NEVER do, and which FEELS 

IMPOSSIBLE 

it's 11:11 as I write this: impossible 

I used the LAST of my

EXUVIENCE 

and 

the store where I buy it is

OUT

I am going 

RIGHT NOW 

to take a shower 

I LOVE you 🫶

I slept all day

I got up

to pee

& feed the cat

BUT 

the cat wanted to sleep on me

& it was

COLD

& I had a headache 

SO

we just had siesta time 

ALL DAY

I dreamed about you

BUT 

it didn't make much sense 

I met you for 

COFFEE 

BUT 

then I was running the coffee shop 

& you had other people you wanted to meet with

SO I just left and let you 

USE the building 

for your meetings 

& then

I realized you had no way to

LOCK UP

SO

I went back

& met back up

with you