Sunday, December 31, 2023

I remembered the next question 

AND
I'm not asking it
not right now
WHO KNOWS
MAYBE
MAYBE I will ask it
MAYBE I won't

NOT TONIGHT

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much 
OK
I know it's new years eve and shit
BUT
reality just cycled through
like several shifts
I'm not sure

what is the appropriate thing to say
for new years eve

I got so befuddled
I forgot the next question
but then I wasn't sure if I was asking 
there is, of course, more
BUT
that question is the first GATEWAY 
there's not much point
I, of course, want to charge into all the questions
BUT
I'm NOT 

Friday, December 29, 2023

I'm not trying to be objectionable
let me clarify and explain
Robert is the one
he was pretty rape-y generally
I'm not saying you
violated me
I'm absolutely NOT saying that

I initially
conceptualized it as
the CURSE

then
I thought you either
couldn't trust me
OR
had made a very specific promise
to yourself or another
about
specific 
words
OR
behaviors

THEN
I thought
you were concerned
someone would see something

BUT
over time
I have arrived at this IDEA

the Josephine factor

AND
whether that is
IMPORTANT
to the EXPERIENCE 

in progress



how important is the "Josephine factor"
...and the best part was
when she woke up
she didn't even know...

I feel like you perfected that
BUT
the cognitive dissonance is too much
my brain actually went to
if he loved me
this could not be happening
not like this
it is actually easier to believe that
I have imagined the whole 20 years

besides
I'm sure you've never woken up
to somebody just fucking you
like you were a corpse
BUT
I have
and it's somewhat traumatizing


Thursday, December 28, 2023

I have feels
intense feels
and
I think I need more therapy now
I want to continue this conversation

ALSO
I want you to know
I'm not telling my therapist about you
because
I'm not asking for his opinion
OR
I don't want to just sound too insane
OR
SOMETHING
but I'm not


I love you 

in progress


Thank you for being the love of my life

Thank you for giving my life purpose for 20 years

Thank you for letting me know what it was to really want something-- to claw my way up from wanting to die

I'm not sure what happens now but I wanted to tell you that-- πŸ‘ΎπŸ«š

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

I'm confused
I guess you could say generally
I'm spending a fuck-ton on therapy
I'm not sure if it's helping or not

whatever it is you want from me
I'm not sure if I can
I'm not sure if I will
I'm not sure if I want to
Because
IDK what it is

I don't know why you pushed me for like two years
to get me to come see you
so that you could show me
it doesn't matter
and
you don't care whether I'm there or not

BUT
I'm in the existential crisis
the one I would have
planned to
kill myself over

I'm NOT
KILLING MYSELF
AND
I'm still trying to have a relationship with you
BUT
if I'm doing something "wrong"

then
just fuck you

in progress


Monday, December 25, 2023

WHY
and since when
is CHRISTMAS a
FIREWORKS holiday

WTSF

LAST NIGHT too
I walked over and cooked for my mom

I watched HMS Pinafore
(all male cast)

Now watching Holiday Inn

not the movie
a stage production

might watch Golds's Balcony next

Saturday, December 23, 2023

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

this is my new sushi place
replacing sushi choo choo
I just had Malaysian food for the first time
BUT
it will not be the last
I love the little crispy anchovies
and the FAT RICE
probably more fattening than optimal
BUT
I like it better than the sweet Thai coconut rice
ALSO
I had a yellowtail & jalapeno roll
AND
I'm fucking stuffed

I decided to go easy on myself for the remainder of the year
FOOD JOY MODE

Sunday, December 17, 2023

I just saw this and I don't want to forget

The wound is the place the light enters you
-Rumi

I think I painted this in college, in oil, and it's not like major or anything, but I liked it enough to hang it up

I really do like it

Saturday, December 16, 2023

I can't remember how much
I told you
of my concerns for my feet
it was mostly a fascia thing
as it turns out
and
I'm really happy with them now, generally



in progress, still

Friday, December 15, 2023

Saturday, December 9, 2023

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

Monday, December 4, 2023

I have been listening to this book
The 12 week year
AND
it's speaking my language, somehow
BUT
I don't have the VISION

SO
I'm leveraging that work first thing when you get up thing
like brainstorming like
AND
Today's practice:

What if you started a religion
like your spirit guide (or whatever) suggested when you were a kid
What would that look like

EMPATHY & ENGAGED THINKING
are the traits I most want to build 

RESET ENGAGEMENT AROUND FOOD
it's important!
and food restrictions is the wrong angle
because it makes people look for loopholes
---that's the problem the benefit is from the embrace of food as something larger
---that restrictions/rules/mindfulness are appropriate/beneficial/character developing
---but the specifics are unimportant and so should be individual choice (&changed whenever too)

SEASONAL DEVELOPMENT CYCLES 

HOLIDAY REBOOT

RESEARCH:
---MARIE KONDO
---PELOTON
as inspiration

THE WAY THIS WORKS

CINNABON MODEL
---make it delicious
---perfected to meet even wait time
---never needs reformulation

HABITS & ATTITUDE
MOST PREDICT
HAPPY LIFE

SO 
It's the development of a framework
of HABITS
---HAPPY
---EMPATHETIC
---THINKING THINGS THROUGH/making decisions about the way you will use self imposed restrictions for development and growth

THOSE KIND OF HABITS
AND
I MEAN HABITS
BUT
the people who don't want HABITS
don't want religion

RELIGION IS HABITS

Friday, December 1, 2023