my therapist is

a gay

redneck

country club

boomer

inflatable lawn decorations

and so

I have to ask myself

is this some sort of, like

COLUMBO STRATEGY 

in progress

40"

this last one's finished

so

therapy is weird

I picked this guy because I found him

years ago for a friend

and the friend seemed helped by it

and he was a sort of behavioral slant

I thought I was gonna waltz in there and just get

strategy and homework

that doesn't really seem to be happening

I don't know if this is a strategy

or if he's just building rapport

BUT

he is seemingly

impressed by me

for lack of a better way to describe it

I'm assertive in a way that is apparently pretty rare

he doesn't think I have low self esteem

I don't think so either

BUT

ya know

nice to get confirmation

and

like I said

strategy

BUT

he's like

you know you're brilliant, right?

AND I'm all like

yeah

I brought in a list

the first session

1.  I don't know what I want

2. I don't set boundaries appropriately *

3. I feel like I just woke up in my life

(like I don't know quite how I got here or how to fix it)

4. Depression

* victim mentality

he had me add 

FEAR

after our discussion last time around the IDK what I want piece

then he gave me a hand out

of his revised and modified version

which included stuff about my mother

and

ANXIETY

I forgot to say

BUT

maybe the fact that it's just down the street

factored in heavily

After

I walked down to the eye doctor

and made an appointment there too

works in progress

I saw a therapist yesterday

hopefully this will help

eventually

I'm just going to assume that

the glowing green will correct

eventually

I love you

_36.8

look

I love you

BUT

we aren't on the same page yet

& I feel like you think we are

& I can't tell you how distressed I am

about that

I can't explain

I don't think

or

you could never answer me

I feel like

I don't want to be nagging

BUT

if there is any way you could see yourself clear

to read through

what I've already written

see if you can understand what I need

I'd really appreciate it 

CALIBRATION

POINTS 

❤️

This guy came in art supply

he gave me a card for his show

I've been interested in hobo signs

since I was like 10 or 12

I bought that X

it was a really cool experience

buying the first thing at a gallery show 

I want to make something clear

I am NOT TRYING to break up with you 

I'm having trouble

I had a weird moment with my mom

she was asking me

if I knew where her oil paints were

and was telling her

they were in the totes under the black table

(in the studio)

probably in the bottom tote

because I tried to organize things

where the things that might EVER 

need to be accessed

we're more accessible than the things

that I was pretty sure would NEVER

need to be accessed

and she started with this weird shit she does

oh you are so cute

which I'm pretty sure is like

WELL BLESS YOUR HEART

but then she went on with something

about little girl and whatever, ya know

since she killed her cat

she talks to me in the same tone, sometimes 

and it creeps me out

so I all bust out with a Uhh Huh

AND she's like

WHY ARE YOU DISSING ME

HOW am I dissing you

You just sounded very dismissive

I just don't know how to respond to that

sometimes you say things

and they don't seem genuine

they seem like

some bullshit you think I want to hear

that doesn't actually

come from anyplace inside of you

all that factors into my response

I COULD NOT STOP MYSELF

do you know what happened?

NOTHING happened

it was like I never said it

it was just sucked into the vacuum of space

this has happened before

BUT

this seemed more dramatic