I remembered the next question 

AND

I'm not asking it

not right now

WHO KNOWS

MAYBE

MAYBE I will ask it

MAYBE I won't

NOT TONIGHT

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

OK

I know it's new years eve and shit

BUT

reality just cycled through

like several shifts

I'm not sure

what is the appropriate thing to say

for new years eve

I got so befuddled

I forgot the next question

but then I wasn't sure if I was asking 

there is, of course, more

BUT

that question is the first GATEWAY 

there's not much point

I, of course, want to charge into all the questions

BUT

I'm NOT 

open loop, thank you

in progress

I'm not trying to be objectionable

let me clarify and explain

Robert is the one

he was pretty rape-y generally

I'm not saying you

violated me

I'm absolutely NOT saying that

I initially

conceptualized it as

the CURSE

then

I thought you either

couldn't trust me

OR

had made a very specific promise

to yourself or another

about

specific 

words

OR

behaviors

THEN

I thought

you were concerned

someone would see something

BUT

over time

I have arrived at this IDEA

the Josephine factor

AND

whether that is

IMPORTANT

to the EXPERIENCE 

in progress

how important is the "Josephine factor"

...and the best part was

when she woke up

she didn't even know...

I feel like you perfected that

BUT

the cognitive dissonance is too much

my brain actually went to

if he loved me

this could not be happening

not like this

it is actually easier to believe that

I have imagined the whole 20 years

besides

I'm sure you've never woken up

to somebody just fucking you

like you were a corpse

BUT

I have

and it's somewhat traumatizing

I have feels

intense feels

and

I think I need more therapy now

I want to continue this conversation

ALSO

I want you to know

I'm not telling my therapist about you

because

I'm not asking for his opinion

OR

I don't want to just sound too insane

OR

SOMETHING

but I'm not

I love you 

in progress

Thank you for being the love of my life

Thank you for giving my life purpose for 20 years

Thank you for letting me know what it was to really want something-- to claw my way up from wanting to die

I'm not sure what happens now but I wanted to tell you that-- 👾🫚

I'm confused

I guess you could say generally

I'm spending a fuck-ton on therapy

I'm not sure if it's helping or not

whatever it is you want from me

I'm not sure if I can

I'm not sure if I will

I'm not sure if I want to

Because

IDK what it is

I don't know why you pushed me for like two years

to get me to come see you

so that you could show me

it doesn't matter

and

you don't care whether I'm there or not

BUT

I'm in the existential crisis

the one I would have

planned to

kill myself over

I'm NOT

KILLING MYSELF

AND

I'm still trying to have a relationship with you

BUT

if I'm doing something "wrong"

then

just fuck you

in progress

WHY

and since when

is CHRISTMAS a

FIREWORKS holiday

WTSF

LAST NIGHT too

I walked over and cooked for my mom

I watched HMS Pinafore

(all male cast)

Now watching Holiday Inn

not the movie

a stage production

might watch Golds's Balcony next

still in progress

this is my new sushi place

replacing sushi choo choo

I just had Malaysian food for the first time

BUT

it will not be the last

I love the little crispy anchovies

and the FAT RICE

probably more fattening than optimal

BUT

I like it better than the sweet Thai coconut rice

ALSO

I had a yellowtail & jalapeno roll

AND

I'm fucking stuffed

I decided to go easy on myself for the remainder of the year

FOOD JOY MODE

I just saw this and I don't want to forget

The wound is the place the light enters you

-Rumi

I think I painted this in college, in oil, and it's not like major or anything, but I liked it enough to hang it up

I really do like it

I can't remember how much

I told you

of my concerns for my feet

it was mostly a fascia thing

as it turns out

and

I'm really happy with them now, generally

in progress, still

_32.4

in progress

in progress

I have been listening to this book

The 12 week year

AND

it's speaking my language, somehow

BUT

I don't have the VISION

SO

I'm leveraging that work first thing when you get up thing

like brainstorming like

AND

Today's practice:

What if you started a religion

like your spirit guide (or whatever) suggested when you were a kid

What would that look like

EMPATHY & ENGAGED THINKING

are the traits I most want to build 

RESET ENGAGEMENT AROUND FOOD

it's important!

and food restrictions is the wrong angle

because it makes people look for loopholes

---that's the problem the benefit is from the embrace of food as something larger

---that restrictions/rules/mindfulness are appropriate/beneficial/character developing

---but the specifics are unimportant and so should be individual choice (&changed whenever too)

SEASONAL DEVELOPMENT CYCLES 

HOLIDAY REBOOT

RESEARCH:

---MARIE KONDO

---PELOTON

as inspiration

THE WAY THIS WORKS

CINNABON MODEL

---make it delicious

---perfected to meet even wait time

---never needs reformulation

HABITS & ATTITUDE

MOST PREDICT

HAPPY LIFE

SO 

It's the development of a framework

of HABITS

---HAPPY

---EMPATHETIC

---THINKING THINGS THROUGH/making decisions about the way you will use self imposed restrictions for development and growth

THOSE KIND OF HABITS

AND

I MEAN HABITS

BUT

the people who don't want HABITS

don't want religion

RELIGION IS HABITS

in progress

in progress

in progress

my therapist is

a gay

redneck

country club

boomer

inflatable lawn decorations

and so

I have to ask myself

is this some sort of, like

COLUMBO STRATEGY 

in progress

40"

this last one's finished