maybe I also have seasonal affect disorder

this seems unlikely

but

I'm sitting here

with my halogen table light

pointed directly at my face

eyes closed

and I feel happy

tanning booth had the same effect

but

I could only stay in the tanning booth 8 minutes

and even that probably wasn't good for me

but

I can see how people get addicted to them

I feel better today

but

I still would rather not go to work

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I'm home sick

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i don't know if you saw my thing this morning
about my state
but
it's not new
i've been telling you for several years
and now
maybe
you're quitting me?

or maybe i'm paranoid

anyway
no hanukkah songs tonight
i'm kinda depressed

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I dreamed I was running errands

down on lower Westheimer

by where I lived with Gran Gran as a kid

and then

the street turned into an elementary school

it was walk through

and bright bright yellow

the kind of bright color that calls attention to itself in dreams

and then

somebody official

called to me from across the street

they wanted to know

if you could review something

would I get it to you

like we were a couple

like I was recognized as your partner

and I said

I would give it to you

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

fell asleep in the chair again

a feu de Bois candle

is always a good gift

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

I fell asleep in the chair again

sometimes

I'm not sure what to say, ya know

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I love you very much sweetheart

have a good night

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

Okay so when I woke up my ankle Achilles tendon whatever hurt so bad I was afraid to stand on it

But I got in the shower and I was able to actually find a way to stretch it out

Which I mean I've been trying to stretch it out but I've been doing that mostly by rotating my ankle in various ways

Which hurts sure enough but doesn't actually help at all

But I always stretch out my legs and my lower back in the shower and I hit some pose and it helped

So when I got out of the shower it was like 80% better now it's degrading rapidly from that but I was really worried I wasn't going to be able to stand on it all day so YAY

I love you sweetheart

my left ankle

that's what really hurts

it's been hurting

the Achilles tendon

and

some fiddly stuff

ligaments

or something

I even took a bath yesterday

We have reached the part the Christmas season where I'm drinking margaritas

I do not get drunk but I did fall asleep in the chair

I love you very much

I'm sorry I'm not more entertaining

My whole body hurts

Goodnight sweetheart

❤️

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

i always thought
if i had a daughter
that i'd put her in ballet classes
then
in more recent years
well, not really recent, but ya know
i thought, no
martial arts
but now
mute point really
but
rhythmic gymnastics

ballet
it's graceful and all
but it's based on this straight line principle
i mean
when you're dancing high level
you're breaking from that
but, no, actually, not really
when i saw oksana dance it was kinda almost not ballet
it was weird and different and exciting
and when i read she had trained in rhythmic gymnastics
i thought, yeah, that's gotta be the difference

and then i went looking around the ballerinas of instagram
and i found marachok
and she's different more muscular
more athletic
less liquid but she had some elements that were the same
that divergence from the line
and yeah
it turns out
as i suspected
rhythmic gymnastics background

let me explain about the line

there is a string that runs up through the center of your body
out through the top of your head
and
that string should be pretty tight
pulling you up
there's a tautness to ballet

here
look
i'll find an example

i only watched the first 7 minutes of this but it seems a good illustration

ok now
same kind of dancing but no string

different kind of dancing, lack of string much more obvious

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

at the ballet

so i was cruisin around instagram to day
and
when i go to look you up
it puts me on a page where it shows me a bunch of squares
with pictures or video
and sometimes i click on em
that's how i found harry and megan
that's how i found wild woods apothecary april
several potters
idk
it's a good page
the look up page

so today
there's a ballerina in a baggy outfit doing this jump
and i click on it
hey, i think, she's cool
who is she

so i click her link
cause it tries to go away
and she's like amazing
super thin though--  like, for me, uncomfortably thin
the ballerinas have been trending muscle in more recent times
traditionally there's this frailty

ferri had this power
she had muscle in a very tight compact way
and she just exuded power
that's what immediately captivated me
and
of course
she's now like a category all her own

but oksana is maybe like too thin for traditional
because it takes her past that feminine frail
into something else
she comes from a gymnastics background
and that may be why she has this quality
but
she is the most fluid dancer i've ever seen--  ever
somatically--
she's a conduit for magic
i've seen a lot a swans
but
they never really reminded me of swans
until oksana
she did this thing with her head and her arm
and fuck
she was a fucking swan

it made me reprimand myself
when i cringed at her back
where you can see bones i didn't even know we had
it's like the reverse of what people think
when they look at you and think you're disgusting and fat
you shouldn't think it
that value judging gaze is what's disgusting
and look what she is able to do with her body
[but, is she, i think to myself, anorexic?]
maybe
skin stretched so tightly across her chest

at least she doesn't have to have breasts, i think
yes
and
she's an amazing dancer
that's what i wanted to do
and if i could do that i wouldn't mind being that thin
and then there's the no breast thing
that would be a plus as well


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I dreamed I was in an airport and these people came out to me and they're like we need you to help us and I'm like what is that you need and they're like we need you to buy are you need you to get our daughter a ticket and I'm like I don't have money to get your daughter ticket why can't you picture daughter ticket I don't understand and she was underaged and she needed to fly but she's like 20 and I'm like okay but I still don't understand

and they're like you know we can't do it and I'm like why can't you do it and they gave me some reason that didn't make any sense and I'm like look I don't have money to buy your daughter ticket I don't have money to buy me a ticket although I was in the airport so I don't know I must have had a ticket right

and they're like no no you don't need to buy it we just need you to use your some kind of points and I'm like I don't have any points which is true of never set up points with anybody which is probably silly but I haven't

And they're waiting on everybody has points and I'm like no I'm kind of a Luddite I don't have all the things everybody always has

she's like what's your name so I told her and she looked she looked it up and I had I had points and she nodded to the person behind the computer and they just bought her daughter a ticket with my points

and I'm like hey wait a minute do I have to approve that how many puts ref left now I have enough points to buy ticket

and I no longer had enough points to buy a ticket cuz I only had enough points to buy one ticket and they just bought this kid a ticket with my points

And I'm like how did you find that I don't understand

And she showed me this she showed me this bag of cookies and they were kind of cookie they were limit but it was a review on the back of the bag of cookie and the person who was reviewing them was reviewing a dark chocolate Apple wafer flavor and they were talking about me and how I had recommended them to her and I'm like oh I remember her she was really sweet she would totally have wanted me to buy your daughter a ticket and I like remembered the experience although I don't think it happened in real life I think it was just in the dream I remember the experience of talking to this lady and what she looked like and recommending the cookie to her and it was weird kind of cool

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair

I was super tired

long fuckin week

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

❤️

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so
i'm not sure that the bifida is agreeing with my skin
i'm not waking up glowing
and i was before i started using that
however i also started the sdsm at the same time
so maybe not conclusive
also i'm bummed to learn about the filter in the camera
i was feeling really good about my skin
and it is pretty good
but
it's got a little redness
and a little uneven slightly freckle ish
which also, the freckle ish, seems new

i was researching
and i was trying to decide
what i'mgoing to try next
because i am full on thinking of abandoning the bifida

i found this
and i full on want it with the blazing heat of a thousand suns
which replaced, more or less,my desire for this
which wasn't quite that intense
but they are both too expensive

but
i started looking for Tripeptide 29
to see if i could find it somewhere else
because i'm back on the peptide thing, clearly
and
i found it

https://www.beautypie.com/us/all-skincare/serum/superdrops-flash-face-lift

so maybe we'llgive that a try $10.63 seems do able
also
i had forgotten to mention
and to use
the thing that was working on the breakouts

https://www.clinique.com/product/1672/29793/skin-care/acne/treatment-specialists/acne-solutionstm-clinical-clearing-gel

which i was using back in october
but have been forgetting to use
it's got sea whip seaweed in it
which keeps it from drying me out too much
but
i use it as a spot treatment
but
when i put the salve over it
i have to be super careful not to spread it into my eyes
which i think was what happened that put me off it

i don't really like it
but it does work

it's not working on the sleeping giant cystic acne in my chin
it's not red
it's not swollen
but it's still there
after all this time
and i'm still having all those other symptoms
just hangin out
but
nothing
no resolution of anything hormonally

maybe i'll just have like menopausal pms the whole xmas season
i think that would be super fun
i mean, seriously what the hell

but
that's not what you are interested in hearing about

i'm looking at my chin
it is a little bit pink
and it is a little bit swollen
what i mean
is
it isn't really noticeably so

and i am trying not to pick at it
but it is so so hard not to

i can remember when i was maybe 11 or 12
i would get small pimples
or blackheads
and my mother would come at me with a sewing needle
wanting to pick at my face
i really didn't want her to do that
so i finally got her to switch to non violent methods
and she kept putting egg whites
or queen helene

anyway
i haven't thought about that in years

i'm going to dinner with her tomorrow

anyway
gotta go to bed
gotta get up by 5am at the latest

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

Well I can't remember now but I was working in my dreams and I just did not want to get up not because I wanted to keep working but because I was tired I was going to get up at 4 but I didn't get up until almost 5 so I won't get there early cuz I'm also not moving very fast but I ate breakfast and I'll get there before 8 but I'm not going to get there at 7 which was the plan great if I get out of here in the next 15 or 20 minutes should be doable then I might make it by 7:30 depending upon what the traffic is like it's not very far but there's a lot of construction and you know it's a lot of people's first day back from the holiday weekend so who knows whether they'll be going in early whether they'll some of them not be going in or what

I have to do an order today and I was scheduled at 9 but then I'm going in at 8 for Chanel because she has some kind of family health crisis thing that she can't come in that early so I was going to come in at 7 because like I said I have to do that order and when I have to do it in 10 minute increments in between helping people I can't focus and I don't get a good order I might miss something so but I've got all the information printed up so if I get there at 8 I have to do her stuff and then I might be at the register for a while but I have paperwork that has information about what I need to order so I don't know

To be honest I don't really care

I'm just you know trying to get through I'm going to dinner with my mother on Thursday which I don't really want to do but I'm trying to be a good daughter and I'm trying to keep tabs on her and I just don't know

I feel like I live most of my life just go and if I could just get through today if I can just get through today and I feel like that's probably not the best way to live but I'm not 100% sure what to do about that

But it's colder so I think I can wear my jacket today and I'm very excited about that

Hope everything is going good with you

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I dreamed about weird meetings

where they were the rich and powerful

I was trying to get information

and they

we're trying to Pierce my ear

with a rusty nail