I fell asleep in the chair again
I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight
I'm holding you tight
in my dreams

good morning sweetheart
hope you're well
I love you

ok
gotta hurry
already fell asleep in the chair
went to dinner with my mom
came home watched the debate

i'm curious what your take on these people is

i believe elizabeth warren is smart and a good person
i believe that she believes that what she wants to do will work
but
i'm not sure i believe that it will
i mean, for one, although i feel like corporations are a problem
i'm not sure i wanna start with restructuring them
not at this juncture
not like she says
let's pick our battles
not spread it out so much that none of it gets done

if i just say
well, who seems presidential
then kamala harris is clearly out front
but
there's some question about how much her prosecutorial background
makes her a bad guy and a tool of the man
and non-progressive
plus
she is in that clintonian democrat group
which i am suspect of generally
but
i like her, i can't help it

bernie and biden are on opposite ends of the spectrum, maybe
and i got issues with each of them
but really, just
children of the cold war type situation--  new guard, man, new guard

booker, i mean, i'm likin him more
but
he comes off to me as slick
used car salesman in a way

beto--  i barely recognize ya

julian castro
i didn't know much about
and i had a vaguely negative view towards
which was based on who knows what shit floating through the air
and he impressed me, brought up good points
still came across as very arrogant
but
maybe with some justification
i do not like him for president
but
i'd like more of him, somehow

tulsi, marianna, and kirsten
unfortunately
all needed to shut up, multiple times
and had that look of being completely out of their depth
while feeling like they were the most qualified candidate
i want to see less of them
and that makes me sad, a little

i like mayor pete
idk
the cop/shooting question
'i just didn't get it done'
[sorry,that won't make any sense if you didn't see it]
was not confidence boosting
he's always talking about his ability to get it done
and this admittedly owning up moment
just made me wonder if he's really got the stuff
not sayin he doesn't
but it just hung there-- made me nervous

swalwell interested me
not so much as a president
but, maybe somethin else
or maybe in the future
i just want to know more about him

i like andrew yang
i want a $1000 a month
i'm not voting for him for president
but i'm glad he's running
i don't think his economics is crazy
i'd like to see more of him too

there are like seven more people
and
i don't think i want to hear anymore from them
or maybe i do
but i just don't know it

i'm sure they're all to contribute to the conversation
but
whatever they said
i either didn't like
but not so much that i felt a need to comment
or
it just didn't stick




also

i dreamed last night
that i was in my early twenties
and i wrote a song
for my boyfriend
and i brought it in this player contraption
it was mixed and recorded
and
really really good
it had serious potential
and he was having trouble wrapping his head around the fact that
i had produced this complex musical thing
and he was working in this store
and he kept giving away people's confirmed rental cars
i was worried that he'd get fired


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i stayed up late again : (
so
i gotta go to sleep now
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I ordered this Tonka bean solid perfume
from someone called warrior apothecary
on Etsy
she's in Edmonton
and
she seems very witchy
she's calling it some kind of
love/aphrodisiac/something
but
I'm just buying it
because I want to smell like Tonka bean
I love the smell of tonka bean

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I just let somebody do the Snapchat filter on me
Where it makes you look like a guy
if you're a girl
and vice versa
and
I

do you want to see it?

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair and the most amazing dream I was teenager in my early twenties and I was living in a halfway house or a foster home or something I was bass guitarist

I was picking up 3 gigs a week with just whatever kind of band so no particular style just whatever and I was trying to brag to somebody in like a the phone alcove look at a bar and it was like I can't even remember who and I was playing with that next week

And what I did for fun let's go find really obscure and questionably good albums and like leave them propped up around the house kind of daring somebody to say something about them and possibly trying to covers of some of the songs

And there was some guy who's living at the halfway house and I guess I was kind of flirting with him and maybe it was some other guy to I don't know it was just a very strange dream but it was a lot of fun

I love you very much sweetheart goodnight

goodnight sweetheart
I gotta sleep fast
wake up is 3:30
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

kitchen shopping (arriving tomorrow, maybe in time for dinner)

ok
so, since i've been doing all this chopping
which usually i don't do
i've had a chance to reconsider my knife roster

i have a chinese vegetable cleaver style
which i bought some years ago
when i talked myself out of the nakiri
and i still like it
i have my etsy knife
also bought some years ago
that was made from an industrial saw blade
i still love it too

the cleaver is great for cabbage and onions
but it's a little unweildy for smaller vegetables
it makes me uneasy
i guess i should say
and
i find myself again wanting a nakiri

so i started doing some reseach
and
of course i haven't held any of them
but this is the one that i decided i wanted

a produce knife
(i got it cheaper, though with a code from a youtuber)

and
i'm not certain how this will work on gourds
i don't like the cleaver on gourds at all
what i want for that
that i used to have
is this deba

it's very heavy duty but it's got a point
deba's are traditionally used for butchery of fish
but i bought the mercer initially
both because i was attracted to the japanesque qualities
and because an 8" chef knife felt too large for me
it's cheap but it's a good knife
apparently culinary students often use them as utility knives
i was always unsettled by the non-foodgrade-ness of the handle
but they have them food grade

i've looked at more expensive debas
but
i don't think i need that
and maybe i don'tneed the cheap one either
imma wait until i try out the produce knife first

i looked at a bunch of inexpensive nakiris
and they just didn't seem like what i needed
then when i saw the produce knife
i thought it was a nakiri too
and i looked and looked and i cannot find a youtube review for this knife
although there are a bunch for other dalstrongs
which was what led me to that knife
apparently they are polarizing because they are chinese
and
maybe they suck
or maybe they are just bad
because they are hurting the better knife companies
but
i don't have money for an expensive knife
and
for trying it out, cheap is better
but
i'm not a chef
i don't need expensive knives
i just need to feel comfortable with the knives
and the cleaver scares me a little
in certain circumstances


hope you had a really great father's day

I fell asleep in the chair again
sigh
I'm dragging myself off to bed
I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i hope you are healthy and happy
and
that everything is beautiful
i am remembering the summer
physically
every year that wall of hot just slams into me
and
i remember how i forget about it
until it's back

i hope you don't have that
that your weather is just smooth and rich and breezy

i wish i was hugging you tight right now

I hope you're ok
I love you very much
I know there are things you want to know
but
I don't have those answers right now
some things require money
and I'm having problems with money
that's not new
I'm picking up a trade show job next week
so
I'll be out of pocket
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday

it was so hard to make myself leave the house today
and there were so many people there
it was painful
but
I'm glad I went
and I said things to myself like
you must leave the house on one of your off days
every week
I joined the museum
it was only a little bit more than the van Gogh admission

and I'm like
come here every week
but
straight up
I'm prolly not going to leave the house on
either of my off days
unless I make myself
but
I'mma try

I love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

I'm going to see the van Gogh exhibit now

call me rose {in progress-- stopping for the night/goodnight sweetheart}

call me rose, i said, and i stretched my arms out wide, face upturned.

i may not have actually done the arm thing, i said to daniel from work to whom i was telling this story.

but i can totally see you doing the arm thing.

yes, for sure it's something i'd do, i'm just not swearing i did it then--  it may be artistic license.

the four year old me re-inventing herself on the fly may not have needed the somatics, but i, as she rose up in me, could not stop them.  four year old me had been confronted with, and for the very first time, something that would come up again and again.  her mother had not given her an unusual enough name.  the rules seemed to go that if three people in a given class had the same name none of them could go by that name.  later this was resolved by the use of last initials, but for that moment in time the only fair answer was re-naming.  as four year old me became six year old me she would argue--  but the two other girls have nick names that they choose to go by, wouldn't fairness be maintained if i also went by the name i go by.  teachers, sadly, never saw this logic and doled out an abbreviated version of my name well known for it's fiestiness--  period.  end of story.

but four year old me was unphased by the suggestion of a new name as long as she could pick it--
if you can't call me by my actual name, then call me rose!

why didn't i just stay rose?

well, i'm not totally sure.  partially i think by six i was much more connected to my actual name.  plus rose had been in an art class at the museum school for like a kid's summer program--  it had a one off quality about it--  six year old me was aware that this was all legal-document-y and uncertain what might happen if her name failed to match her records.  maybe, too, she'd had a little of her cool drained from her.

i think i was somehow better and smarter and more magical at four than i've ever been since.  maybe that's crazy.  maybe that's everybody else too.  i don't pretend to know.


now, this nick name--  the fiesty one--  is still something i have people trying to call me, and i don't like it.  in fact, it is a sign of two things if i allow you to call me that name.

• 1)  we don't have very much interaction  
• 2) i either really really like you, or i'd rather burn you in effigy in my mind every time you speak to me rather than speak to you

i have a delivery driver i've been seeing twice a week for like eight years who calls me that name.  he just moved back to new orleans and i'm really sad that i'm not gonna see him anymore.  he kinda snuck it in on me somewhere along the line.  i liked him so much, and we have so little actual interaction--  i mean it wasn't worth makin him feel bad to avoid hearing it twice a week.  i had a similar exception for a beer rep i used to have--  only he called me doll.

doll is definitely something i would not normally let a man call me.  but in the specific subset of circumstances, it felt ok.  he was an older black man.  not like super old, but like maybe ten to fifteen years older than me.  i am obviously not a young woman and that fact and the way he said it gave it a little bit of a flirty edge.  but then he talked pretty regularly about his wife in a way that made clear that he pretty much worshiped her.  so that his flirty-ness took on more the feeling of familiarity.  i wasn't quite young enough to be his daughter or anything, but it made me feel less white.  it seemed to me like letting him call me that made things clearly cool.  ya know.  whereas, if you call me doll, you better be presenting ironic.  it's weird.  but different people can say the same thing and it functions differently.  or maybe.  maybe older black men can get away with some shit with me--  the delivery driver is an older black man too.


there are lots of things that are hard to define but you just kinda know them when you see them.  like cool.  like i know i am not as cool as four year old me, but i think i still have some coolness quotient.  daniel and i were talking about it, coolness.  he was saying that he was a nerd and probably still is a nerd.

not me, i pipe up, i have always been cool.  my father made sure i learned cool.  like, for example, when i was in first grade, i changed schools mid-year and i was the solitary new kid--  which occurs to me now, but i didn't think that much of it at the time.  i was, now that i'm thinking about it, dressed a little off the norm in my red pattton leather clogs and my red hooded cape.  perhaps there was a situation where i could have been bullied.  anyway, the thing they chose to try to tease me about was my red hair. 

i just laughed at them--  clearly they were jealous.

and i mean, even though i changed schools again for second grade and thus had an entirely new group of people to deal with, no one ever tried to tease or bully me.

and i had plenty of interests that might have taken me over into the nerd category, but that never mattered to me.  what i like is what i like.  cool doesn't have anything to do with that at all.

what did you do that made you cool in high school, daniel asked.

maybe the most important part of cool is not really caring what other people think, i said, but as far as that goes--  if i did it, it was cool.

well that, he said, is the phrase of the week.

fell asleep in chair
want to write you something
having trouble
too difuse
can't get the message together
I love you very much

I keep thinking, somehow
that the story is called
call me rose

I was trying to write the fruit one
but
my little girl self
says it's about her

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

i went to the mexican restaurant near me
i had a blank book i got at work
and i just sat there and wrote flat out
ate some guacamole
drank some sangria margarita swirl

what i wrote isn't strictly usable in that form
but
it completely bypasses
editing the moment

i've been using the traveller's notebook
at home
but
i'm not really writing
i'm practicing the physical act of writing
but
i'm just writing whatever rando runs through my head
like just to see
is this pen comfortable
is this paper comfortable
etc
i've been doing that for a while now
and
i'm feeling good about it

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I love you sweetheart

Contaminated Fruits
poetry
gotta write a short story called
Contaminated Fruit

so
I didn't tell you I went to dinner with my mom Tuesday
she ordered that dna test kit
but
we were talking
and I found out
her father was not texaner Deutsch
he was from Indiana
it was her mother's family that came over in the 1850s
she contends that this unknown "dark skinned" mother figure has to be Indian
because there were
"no Mexicans in Indiana in 1908"

I think there were
but
ya know

I still think
German and Ashkenazic Jewish are what's most likely to show up
I kid you not
she looked freaked out
she doesn't seem to have ever heard that word before

she seems to think she's native American
that her nose looks "clearly Indian"

so we'll see
I'm really really routing for African
but
it's totally a long shot

I was in a really good mood today
I'm not sure why
maybe I'm healthier

I love you very much
goodnight sweetheart

ridiculously specific information about me

i love you sweetheart
today
i just kept circling back to
how attractive i think you are
it's not just how you look, exactly
it's more about the way you move
and your expressions
and i saw somewhere
a radiant smile
and i just thought--
wow

i had an omelette with shiitake mushrooms
with a little sour cream on top
because i had that
and i don't have cream cheese

these shiitakes are really different than ones i've had before
these are very soft
often they are almost woody
and not tasty to use in things
more usable as flavoring
but i'm not long boiling these in a soup
each package has four

so the other one will go in soup
but
short cook

the seaweed
idk if i said
is delicious
it's a different texture than the pacific kombu i'm used to
but
it's possible that i like the flavor more

i cooked a big ole piece with my chickpeas
on high in the crock pot for six hours
and it just cooked apart

but the leftover broth was so tasty
that i retained it
it's thick-ish, viscous
i used three table spoons in my gazpacho to adjust the texture
instead of bread
and it worked a charm

i mean
i think you're supposed to remove the tomato skins
make it all smooth
but
as it was for me
i did not
i added quite a bit of cilantro
some celtic sea salt
that kombu chickpea stock
and some aleppo pepper

then for dinner i had spinach salad
and vegetable lasagna

i feel i had a very satisfactory food day
i wanted dessert
so i had four dates
and
not gonna lie
that didn't completely satisfy my desire for dessert

i want those custard tarts i used to get at the chinese buffet
years ago
or
maybe
i want to try a tofu cheesecake
i've been craving the oatmeal i got at jamba juice
probably several years ago now
it was made with soy milk
and
i'm not the biggest fan of soy milk
but
i'm craving that so hard
maybe i need soy
but
ya know
not soy isolates
and
i have a urge to try to make my own soy milk
no additives, just old school soy bean milk
idk
imma wait on that i think
maybe i'll just buy some soy milk to make the oatmeal
and work my way around to making my own soy milk

box comes tomorrow
excited


and i find myself
making these lists for my pantry
i've never done that
i've just kind of bought things as i needed them
or
seen something i thought was interesting
and added that into the mix
but
now
i seem to want to list and quantify

pantry:

oils--  ya need three--  coconut, olive, and toasted sesame
now you could make that more complicated
you could get a refined coconut and an unrefined coconut
because things that you don't want to take on a coconut flavor
need a refined coconut oil
and you could have two olive oils
a more buttery tasting one for cooking
and a more olive-y one for salads and pestos and such
and
maybe you could get a lighter and more intense sesame oil
but
i'm inclined to say
just get a good one of those three
and it'll work itself out

vinegars--  ya need three--  apple cider, balsamic, and umeboshi
but
i, in fact, am super curious about vinegars right now
i want to try persimmon vinegar and black vinegar
so idk maybe i need more than three

i'm doing it with skin care too
or personal care, rather
the weleda salt toothpaste is my life pick
i just come back to that again and again
i just ordered clove oil and malin + goetz hand wash
because
i had a malin + goetz bay rum hand wash that i got in austin
when i was there with my mom several years ago
and it lasted forever
and i love it
it washes off really well
and i have a problem with that
and
i don't think i've ever told you this
but i am like mad for the smell of bay rum
mad i say
i become ecstatic and happy and such
but
it's really expensive for soap
i kept talking myself out of it
but
i've kept the bottle
my bamboo toothbrush rests across the shoulders of the bottle
so i can still enjoy the graphics
and across the glass i got years ago from la taste
liberte, egalite, fraternite, it says

i had a bunch of other stuff
mouth washes i was trying out
oil pulling
i cleared them all away

so i'm looking at the malin + goetz bottle longingly
and the glass and toothbrush
so pretty there together
and i'm like:  fuck it, malin + goetz bay rum is the soap
that's just what i'm getting from now on, end of story
and i ordered another bottle
mouth wash i like clove oil
ya put a couple drops in some very warm water
and ya swish it all around
it's healing, anti bacterial, it tastes good, and it makes your breath smell fresh too
win/win
now
i also want yogi tooth serum
and maybe imma buy that, but i can't right now
that's a living libations product
it's super healing and such
and
i love to brush my teeth with that before bed
and
i love to oil pull with an unrefined coconut oil
but
i mostly don't
so that's the like goal
but for now
no yogi tooth serum and no coconut oil
m+g hand wash
weleda toothpaste
yogi tooth serum

hair i've switched products
i'm still using the baby ecema soap
but when i was on my last trip i discovered
this which isn't what i was styling with then
but it is now, when used in combination with this
i was using the dove, but they were out
and i saw this and it appealed to me and it was cheaper
now sun bum has a dry shampoo
and maybe it's better
but it's more expensive
and it isn't claiming to texturize
but
this really does give texture
and the sun bum really does moisturize and cut frizz
and before my hair got so long again
it was really working for me

and
deodorant feels weird to be talking about
but this one
i don't know how it differs being "girl"
do "girls" sweat less or stink less
idk
i got it originally because of the beachy thing
plus, small for travel
but i've tried maybe four other scents and
while coconut vanilla is ok
the others i tried are gross
and the beachy one, i like
i wish they had a bigger one though
but what evs

Veg Box 4

medjool dates:  i don't really need these yet, but i'm learning that they don't always have everything, and i've decided these are very versatile and handy to have around.  two or three dates is a filling snack, or dessert, or i'm thinking i'll use them as sweetener for smoothies too.

zint cacao powder:  might start doing this for breakfast or something.  i don't want to do fruit smoothies because that's too many calories and too much fruit, but i've had good luck with like a tonic thing in the past--  you steep a medicinal herbal tea overnight so you get a very strong but cold tea and you mix that with cacao and maybe some other powdered superfoods and i add chia seeds to get the texture more smoothie like with ice.  so not milk or heavy calories but chia for protein and fullness and tonic herbs, superfood, etc.

brew doctor kombucha:  because it's still available and i love love love it it's all medicinal herbs and deliciousness.  it doesn't seem to be a current flavor though so when it's gone, it's gone.

baby broccoli:  i'm planning for dinners with brown rice and i still haven eaten those butternut squashes.

cucumber and oranges are just regular lunch staples, except i could only get one cucumber.

and then the big plan is:  sweet potatoes roasted with spring garlic and rosemary--  i figure that's some lunch some dinner.

maybe some of the spring garlic is for salads or something, depends how much there is.

and rainbow carrots are lunch and salads i think, raw.

Your order details for Thu, June 6th, 2019

Organic Box Large

Product	Quantity	Price
Organic Medjool Dates (0.5 lb)	2	$5.98
Organic Cucumber (1 ct)	1	$0.89
Organic Sweet Potatoes (1 lb)	4	$5.92
Organic Oranges (2 ct)	2	$2.58
Organic Spring Garlic (1 ct)	2	$3.70
Organic Rosemary (1 ct)	1	$1.95
Zint Cacao Powder (8 oz)	1	$5.59
Brew Dr Kombucha - Vanilla Oak (4 ct)	2	$21.38
Organic Rainbow Carrot Bunch (1 ct)	1	$2.69
Organic Baby Broccoli (1 ct)	2	$5.30
Subtotal		$55.98
Discount		$0.00
Delivery Charge		$4.99
Credits		$0.00
Grand Total		$60.97

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair again
but
I wanted to tell you
I tasted my fermented beets again
and
they are finally getting fermented-y
I wish they were a little further along
but they are tasting pretty good

my plan is to use some of them
in the hummus
I'm making tomorrow for lunches
I'm planning to have the hummus
with celery sticks
instead of bread or whatever

still making soup
but maybe not tomorrow

probably roast vegetables
make hummus
do laundry
are tommorow's big chores

I love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

good morning sweetheart

hope you're having a great weekend
with lots of pretty weather