goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I feel like
I've been kinda in a bubble
you probably want to hear something
I would like to know what you're up to today
I don't really feel like I'm the same person
I started to take a picture for you this morning
but
then I saw my under eyes
and was like
I'm not sending out a picture of that
fuck

I did binge watch a show I really liked

The Umbrella Academy
might not be academy, not sure now strangely
Time Travel
Super Power Children
Then Adults
Disfunctional Family

One of the Best things I've seen on TV
Netflix!

good morning sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep
in the chair again

I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

that cream already came
so so fast
anyway
I used it tonight
and
I think I like it better than protini
it's kinda light weight
but
very emoliant

I'm doing pretty well mood-wise
maybe
we could meet in Dreamland
or maybe it's too late tonight
tomorrow works too

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

i don't think you will find this particularly interesting
but
i am super excited about it
so i'm going to tell you anyway

i went to sephora to get supplies for my trip
back in early january
normally i go to ulta
but i needed something they don't sell there
i can't remember what right now
but
the important thing was i got a birthday gift
and it included the protini cream by drunk elephant

i was pretty excited because i thought a protein cream might be just the ticket
especially since my skin seems to like the egg white soap so much

anyway
i really like it
it heals stuff up faster

but the sample didn't last too long
and
i don't want to buy the full size
in addition to having stunningly ugly packaging
and the kind i hate where
[yeah yeah it's air proof]
you can't tell how fast you're using it up
and then it's just suddenly gone
and
the full size jar is $68.
that's too much

i bought 2 more sample sizes on ebay
just to get a real sense of how fast i'd go through it
and
$68. is really really too expensive

so i thought back
and i used to use an acure product
it changed names like three times
but the important thing is that it worked even better than protini for me
and it contained chlorella growth factor
it was about $25
which i thought was too expensive for how fast i went through it
but now it seems reasonable

well
they don't seem to make it anymore
and the only things with chlorella growth factor in them are too expensive
and not really the same type of thing

so i went back to looking for a protini dupe
and
i just can't find anything that seems to be the same

i took the cat to the vet today
he got shots
and then i got on amazon
and hunted
and i found this:

https://manyo-factory.com/en/shop/product/ultra-moist-spa-cream-pitatelnyi-spa-krem-s-morskimi-mineralami

but on amazon, cheaper
now
it's not peptides
and it's not chlorella growth factor
but it is a whole ton of fermented kelp and chlorella and other seaweed stuff
which is the next best thing
and
is kinda what's up with la mer
but this is a lightweight cream
and it should be about two month's supply for about $25.
so
if that works
it should be awesome
manyo factory is a korean brand that is like clean beauty
and the ingredients look great
except i don't see any preservative  : |

i have the manyo factory galactomyces special treatment essence
and it is like one of the best things i have ever used, seriously



i hope you are having fun
i think it's really great that your doing that
and i hope you sell things
and get written up in the paper
and get all kinds of props


i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

i hope you're having fun sweetheart

i don't know if you watched those shows or not
and
if you did
maybe you liked em
or maybe you didn't

apparently dating shows are popular
and i don't know if they are talking about like
the bachelor
or whatever

i've watched part of an episode of that
and
i didn't care for it
but

watching this
i realize
though i'm pretty sure i've told you
that i haven't really dated
i think
you probably don't believe me
but
this show
it was pretty mind blowing for me
just watching the way these people interact

i really like lex
and leonard
and mila

like i want more of their stories

leonard and mila
they picked the ones i wanted them to pick
but lex
i was kinda routing for the football guy
although, watching it again, i realize
they didn't really fit

and
cory
i think either he's lying about not looking him up
or else
he just didn't want to
so he told himself he couldn't because he didn't know his last name

because i
with my stalker-y skill
looked lex up--  lex, stage design, nyc
and he came up, instantly--  lex liang

i like lex
lex is my imaginary friend
like
we meet once a week for drinks and catch up
well, realistically,more like a couple times a month
at a club
where he's also catching up with other people he knows
and suddenly
i have an imaginary "scene"
where i'm rubbing elbows with theater people and drag queens
whatever
i just want to talk to him
he is like zen intense
and smart/ass
i very rarely have any desire to interact with people


leonard
i gotta admit
is so lovely
and
i don't know if he and dianne are perfect for each other
or if they are both just gentle souls
but
i mean
he couldn't really pick any of the others

that one woman--  the upper west side one
was probably the worst
she was hard to watch even
so so [what i read as] fake
[though maybe not, idk, but just no]
and then the fashionista
she was like fun, but not to have a relationship with
i love the way she talks
i was a little afraid i'm a little like her
but
really, i think that was more when i was young
kinda dramatic

and then the cell phone one
she was trouble

and francine was a hoot
but
again not to be in a relationship with, maybe
or maybe it's too early to tell

but
i kind of love him
and when he turns to the camera and says:  i hate this shit
i know exactly what he means
they were just so obviously not right
and yet she made him tell her
like painfully
so, she says, i'm not your type
like it's about how she looks
when
she wants to do nthings he doesn't like to do
and their social politeness rules/ethical mores don't match
you just want to say
shit woman--  were you on this date

but leonard
idk
i feel some kinda way about him
it's weird


now mila
she seems nice
and she's very pretty
but
charlotte
was the connection there
but they had chemistry, for sure
so fun
but
the way they are defining themselves
reminds me of the way i tried to define myself for you
which i think you maybe didn't understand
i think you thought i was trying to tell you
that i was not a woman
and that was never what i was saying

if you watch this episode [6] i think you will understand
what i was doing
i can't describe it
but i guess i can recognize it when i see it
so maybe that'll make me make more sense, ya know

although
it's weird
because i haven't really dated girls either
and yet
that's just what i instictually know needs to happen

when charlotte says:
i embrace my femininity i just present very masculine
because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward

i said aloud YES
although
i wouldn't say i present very masculine 
i would not say that
but i would say i present as
maybe tonally androgynous
or maybe normatively informed by the masculine
but these are things i'm coming up with now to try to describe
the thing
that really
is best summed up by:

because it makes me feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward

i don't think stem covers it
i'm not butch
but
i find the butch aesthetic does inform
some of my outlook
but
mostly
feel more confident
like if i'm too girly i feel awkward

there's a way in which i want to be charlotte
but
although i'm attracted to her in some ways
not the ways that would count

i'm actually more attracted to lex
although
that doesn't work
it's more to do with
his facial expressions
and the way his brain works

although, i mean, i like the look of him
but
i'm not thinking sexually at all
although
i guess imight work my way around to that
after i knew him for a while
which would not make me happy, ya know


but leonard
idk
am i looking at him sexually?
no
but
i'm not not
if that makes any sense


i don't think this show
is supposed to be that self-revelatory, ya know


maybe
this is not the kind of thing you want from me
or
maybe it's not what you want from me right now
maybe i've just confused you
or pissed you off

anyway
maybe this doesn't make any sense
or whatever
but
here's more information about me that you didn't have before
i think

i  fell asleep in the chair

i love you sweetheart

this is a cool show

episodes 3,4 &6

damien came by work today
he's been gone more than two years
and i have missed him
but
damn
his facebook page is wack


anyway
i love you very much
i hope you aren't upset with me
goodnight sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

I'm not getting over it well this time

i kinda forgot
it was valentine's day

happy valentine's day sweetheart
hope you have a wonderful day

goodnight sweetheart

I love you

so
i'm home sick
yesterday and today
although i was off today
so maybe it doesn't really count as a sick day
i don't know what's wrong with me
but
i suspect
hormones

and
depression

whatever
i'm in a serious FOG
and my head hurts really bad
my nose is intermittently just running like a fucking faucet
i was having an issue
for which i would normally just take several peptos and go in anyway
but
my guts hurt so bad
i was afraid keeping things in
might not be a good idea

see
is that any kind of normal sickness
no
it seems much more like hormones, doesn't it


i had a dream
that i thought might be a good sign
i was working
i'm not exactly sure where
but i just kinda wandered in
and said
i just remembered
i should take the deposit to the bank
there are thousands of dollars just sitting there
and outside
on a tree out front
there was a note about who the manager was
but it was like two ago
and a phone list
and i'm like

someone take this down
we don't want everyone's number just out here for everyone to see

not really sure what all that means
but there wasn't any stress
and i seemed in charge of things

I've been thinking about it
and I'm pretty sure I conflated two events
Sandra didn't get out of a test
she was just testing her skill
there was somebody else
I can't remember
who messed up her hair
put graphite all over herself
had a story about
a fire

she's the one who got out of the test

dippin dye in high school

this is probably not the thing
but
i just had to write this first
i've been seeing all this black face news
which, at first i thought, that has to have been like the early 60s
but no
it was like when i was in high school
and i just cannot imagine what would have happened
if someone had shown up for halloween in black face
maybe they would have been expelled
or given detention
but
at the very least they would have been sent home with a good talking to
probably by mr anderson
the vice principal
who was black
and probably could have done a better job of driving home the point

idk
i literally cannot imagine it happening
the fact that it was glorified with a picture in a college year book
(i'm not sure i knew they even had college yearbooks)
blows my mind beyond beyond

but
i did go to school in purple face
actually
i really committed
i bathed in dr martin's dye
for the record, it turned out to be semi-permanent
so it was a pretty big commitment
i used makeup on my face, not dye, thankfully
but i can't remember exactly what i used
maybe cream eye shadow?

anyway
i wanted to dress up
i didn't have a specific thing in mind
dyeing myself seemed like fun
and i thought--
i'll be a venusian--  they're purple, right?!
or something like that
maybe the venusian idea was first
but
i suspect the dye was calling

now
no one was offended by my choices
but also no one understood, at all
i felt i was very much in an old school star trek vibe
but
at best others thought it was stupid
and at worst
the girl who came in a military jacket
with her face painted as a skull with grease paint
now
she absolutely didn't put more work into it
and her skin wasn't stained for three days until the repeated scrubbing
finally finally removed the dye
and
i mean death as war
wow, how original in 1982
but
whatever
she told me that (basically)
since i had not made my costume a statement
of my political (or i think by extension identity political) opinion in some way
i had FAILED in some very intrinsically
in my very being
and
she was embarrassed for me

wow, i said
i just hadn't really taken it all that seriously

she was a fascinating person
i think she started in media
and i was like
NO you seem like a theatre major
you should switch to theatre
[of course, it's possible that i'm getting that backward now
i'm not certain]
she did however switch majors
so
either i was not the only one who told her that
or
she really valued my opinion
which might explain the let down


but
she started going out in the evening
trying to pass for male
trying to pick up girls as a guy
i'm not sure how i know that
i don't remember
i know she said something

that was a great year of english
my theatre friend (and i didn't have many of those)
what was her name
she was from nyc and was always complaining that there was nothing to do here
she was in that class too
and
one day
she was practicing makeup for a domestic abuse character
and she wore it to class and did a whole scene with ms eichhorn
except ms eichhorn didn't know it was a scene
she was really shaken
and sent her to the nurse
i think we had a test that day
and she got to take it later or make it up, or something
what was her name
carla garcia, maybe?!
no!  i remembered SANDRA HERNANDEZ
shit
maybe i'm goin senile

i just looked ms eichhorn up
looks like she's a therapist of some kind
probably doesn't trace back to that day, but
funny if it did
debbie had that class with me too
it was a huge class
ms eichhorn was
not exactly a hippy
she was a playwrite
she wore jeans
and shirts that belled slightly at the wrist
she was slim, but disproportionately hip-y
and her hair was the lankest bob there ever was
she had a style
and it was not appreciated among the student body
but
i liked it
i thought it worked for her

she was jewish, she mentioned
in what context originally i'm not sure
but
it was somehow related to her non-use of soap
which was what earned her debbie's undying hatred

now, she said
everyone is going to think jews are dirty
what the serious fuck is she talking about

that was one of debbie's catch phrases "what the serious fuck"
it was good
i still find myself saying it this much later


well, idk
this has gone on long enough
i might not have time for anything else
this might be the thing for tonight
we'll see
i might start something else
or
i might have to do it tomorrow
like
all sheherazade-y

ok
maybe you're trying to get me to write
I forgot I was writing
I will write something tonight
but
it might not be the book
it might just be
whatever I think up today
which I guess could be the book without my knowing it
I think I was just in a grieving thing
and
I probably am depressed

good morning sweetheart

so
I woke up at 9-something to pee
and then I slept through until my alarm
which I had set for 5
but then I snoozed
Kitty did not like that
he complained
I had fed him when I got up
but
that's still a long time for kitties

I reset it for 6
but
Kitty only let me sleep until 6:45
at which point
he started threatening destruction

so I've been up a little over half an hour
and
I'm seriously considering
going back to bed
for even a half hour

is this sickness or depression
or weather fatigue
idk
I just feel like crap

good morning sweetheart
I love you

i am falling asleep in the chair
and this is super early
the weather is changing crazy
70-40=70=40
i do not feel good
i'm going to go lie down

are you ok?
I keep getting the sense that
you
maybe
aren't

I don't know what to do

I love you
and I keep saying that
but
I still feel like there's something
something you want me to do
that I'm somehow not doing
and
that
somehow
everything is very tense

am I totally imagining that?

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

I just ordered my first ever door dash
food is available to me
for the first time
with an app

I ordered blaze pizza
so I guess we're gonna find out
in an hour
if it's good

I ordered
pesto garlic sauce
goat, gorgonzola, Olivette mozzarella, shredded mozzarella
kalamata olives, basil, red onion, green pepper, roasted peppers, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, roasted garlic, something else I can't remember
plus
buffalo sauce, ranch, and olive oil drizzles
and
a Greek salad

so
there's that

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

Just straight up texted this to a beer rep

When do you think y'all'll be down next week.

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

good morning sweetheart

i love you

Where I was going with koans

My thinking was
I write these things
that I've come to realize
other people don't see as complete
but
they are kinda like koans
I think
so
I was thinking
koan
meditation on koan
as format for book
which is a variation on
the last idea I had for our book
which was more of a micro whatever
not a koan

but
then
of course
all the koans
seemed to be telling me things
I didn't want to hear

and now
all I keep have running through my head
is the premonition about dying alone in the desert

I haven't felt very good all day
I'm going to bed

I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

fell asleep in chair
I love you sweetheart