last night
I dreamed
I was writing a paper
on the philosophical elements
of
some writer
I can't remember who
and maybe it wasn't a real life person
maybe it was someone from
the dream universe


also
there was something
about credentials
and open living spaces
and
I scratched some car
that was so jacked up
that I was gonna have to look at my car
to determine what damage was likely


also
I was starting a jewelry business
entering my order
for silver charms
into some machine
that gave me an old school slick paper fax
for my receipt


don't know what any of that means


hope you have a good day
I love you

I dreamed
I was in the early sixties
in some downtown neighborhood
in a big city
maybe Chicago
and I was trying to do something
but
I can't remember what
I just know
there was a pizza place
and finding it
seemed like it was going to be very useful
somehow
I think there was a diner too
it seemed more like a coffee shop
but
early sixties
had to have been diner
everything was sorta black and white
and
all the shop people seemed like
older white men
in midtoned pants and white button up shirts
but
still
it was some kind of adventure

she's never gonna know
how mad I am at her
I feel to bad for how damaged she is
to be mean to her

perhaps the reason why that situation at work
raised my blood pressure so much
was because
apparently
I was premenstrual
regardless
I'm bleeding now
that's probably why I was sick yesterday
the hormones
they seem to make me
dizzy
and nauseated
which seems
like something else
I really really hate this
I really really hate this
but
now I have to
go be nice to people
I don't want to be nice to people
I want to go back to bed
until I feel normal again

I didn't go to work yesterday
because I felt like
I was getting sick
and I thought it'd be better
to take it easy
but
I guess I'm going today
I still don't feel good


but
I had the most
amazing dream
if I can figure out
hoe to describe it
it's a story
like not even about me
but
it's pretty complicated
I'm not sure I can describe it

armpits

ok
i read this:
women who dye their armpits

and
i kinda love it

let me start by saying
i do not shave my armpits
not regularly
sometimes i do
if they bother me for any reason
which is roughly
twice a year

the hair is blonde
and not all that noticable
but
i
like
armpit hair

i like body hair generally


i used to work with this girl
who, i'm pretty sure was trans
she made me uncomfortable
reminded me of my step-father
and she thought she was very funny
she told the stupidest jokes
and
i don't laugh at stuff i don't think is funny
but
she'd just keep tellin me jokes
and
i'd just keep not laughing

you have no sense of humor at all
she'd tell me
no, you're wrong
i have an excellent sense of humor

i was not nice to her
she irritated the piss out of me
and
since i know
that often psychologically
people who rub you the wrong way like that
it's because they have shadow traits you don't want to admit
i was constantly analyzing myself to find things about her
that might be shadow traits
finally i gave myself a break

she's rude
she's lazy
she's mean to people you like
she gives horrible customer service
she insinuates herself into private conversations
she won't stop telling me jokes
she won't stop acting like we are sort of friends
even though i've done nothing to encourage her
oh
and she keeps bringing up anal sex to me
yeah, i don't really like that, i say
oh, no, you should try it, she says
ok, look, i'm in my late forties and i'm not a virgin
i didn't say eeeewwww
i said i don't really like that
what part of that says
i haven't tried it

she just kept bring it up
some way or other
until i wanted to say:

yeah
i can see how if you don't have a snatch
that might be great and all
and to each his own
but
i'm telling ya right now bitch==back off
because if you bring it up again
i'm callin H.R.

but, i mean, i didn't

anyway
that was a super long windup
letting you know just how much i did not like her

she was surprised that i didn't wear sexy lingerie
she couldn't believe i wasn't into corseting
and then one day
i think she thought she had found the thing that was gonna finally bond us
she was going to tell me about her great discovery

she had found
and i can't remember the order
if you do a sugar scrub
and then a salt scrub
or the other way round
and then you shave your legs
you get a really really smooth leg

oh yeah, that's great
or something banal is what i say

but i'm thinkin
bitch
i don't shave my legs
what about me says to you
i am all about the sexy personal grooming
i'm not feeling my legs and saying
aaahhhh it's a lovely lady leg

i used to shave my legs
because i thought i had to
and i hated and resented it
and was all like
men don't have to shave their legs
and
on a pretty regular basis
i lopped off part of my ankle

when i discovered waxing
i thought i had died and gone to heaven

and then
i decided it was expensive
and unnecessary
and not without pain, afterall
and just said fuck it


when i used to travel to see you
at first
every single time
i got a pedicure
and i brought along surgi-cream
because i was gonna say
look
this is what i'm comfortable with
but
anything that freaks you out
i can remove right now

but
i probably stopped that
three or four years in
so
i guess
if it ever happens
you just get what you get

and
that might include bright pink pits


[right
like i'd go to the effort to dye
my pits]

seriously
i might though

my poor cat

he doesn't know what to think of me
he wants patterns
he wants routines
I'm not real good at that stuff
because I don't really believe
in their value
I mean
if I have to be at work at the same time every day
then, yeah
I'll get up at the same time
because it takes me a certain
amount of time
to get ready


but
as an example
I can remember in high school
somebody asked me
what order I wash in the shower
and I didn't understand their question


well, like what do you wash first
I was stumped
and I tried to notice
and it's not the same


now
driving places
I have favorite ways to go
and those are about as close as I come
I guess, to routines
but
sometimes I have a premonition
and I go a different way
and sometimes
especially on the way home
I forget to turn
I get distracted
and then my 20 minute shortcut
turns into 45minute drive home
the 2.5 miles
faster to walk, really


but
this week
he's doing the cat version
of throwing up his hands
in exasperated disbelief
I don't remember what was weird about Sunday and Monday, but yesterday
there was no hot water
just inexplicably
the complex office wasn't open yet
and besides, it's not like they drop everything and run over to fix my issue
but
it was still cold enough
that a cold shower was out of the question
so rather that getting in the shower like i was supposed to
I went to the kitchen
put water in the electric kettle to heat
got a big bowl
got the lavender dr bonners soap that I keep under the sink for washing makeup brushes
grabbed some washcloths
mixed up a large bowl of warm diluted soapy water


now it had to be pretty diluted
because soap doesn't wash easily off my skin
and if any is left on
it sets super super irritated
but, I know from experience
that if I use baby wipes
I will not feel clean
and it will distract me all day
not that I'm a clean freak


the wipes just don't work for me
I often don't use soap at all in the shower
I probably am a hippie
but I'm serious about the soap not washing off thing


anyway
pits, breasts, and groin
that's what I washed
and then
clean water washcloths multiple times
seems like it shoulda been fast
but it took a lot longer than the shower
plus
I was standing naked in the kitchen
which I rarely do
kitty was fascinated


now
today is a day off
but I got up at 7
even though I didn't go to bed until 2:30
because I needed to put out the trash
I didn't want to have to carry it down
and i wanted to clean out the fridge for that
mostly I don't bother
because you can't put it out at night
and they pick it up at 8
and they only do it once a week
and I'm right at the beginning
so I might get up
and it's 8
but they started early
so whatever


I was going to go back to sleep
but then I felt very awake
and I didn't


but I still might
also
hot water inadvertently back
so hot shower probably in order
I have a bunch of chores
that I didn't do on Sunday
because of arctic weather
grocery
laundry
cleaning out the fridge made some extra dishes to wash
all very glamorous


the poor cat
he's so traumatized
or bored
he's taken himself off somewhere

i woke up at like 4 in the morning

I thought it was my first alarm
but that wasn't until 5:45
and although I did pee
it wasn't like critical enough to wake me
but what I'd been dreaming


it was like Hawaii
or someplace beautiful
and tropical like that
and
it was raining
light rain
beautiful
and
you had your shirt off
and
maybe they were filming it
or maybe it was just meant for me
but
you were doin these moves
kinda like boxing
but slower
and
kinda sexy-like

oh yeah, i almost forgot

what's your favorite color?

ok. so why is judy blume everywhere?

I know she's turning 80
and i guess that's cool
also
she has one of those master classes
good for her, absolutely
but
Amanda Palmer is all
blowing her up
tagging everyone who is anyone
oh, and female
I guess that doesn't just go without saying
to talk about Judy Blume's influence on them


ok
I'll have to give it some thought
but
even though I read jb I'm pretty sure
she didn't have any influence on me at all
now
our bodies ourselves
by the Boston women's health collective
them, yes
jb, not so much
does this count as
some way that I'm not right
should she have been a big influence
i thought I had grown through
the point where I had to feel
like I was not quite right
because I didn't really relate
to what all girls relate to


it's ironic
because I don't get that
girl insecurity
am I good enough am I smart enough
do gosh darn it people like me


but
I do get insecure
that maybe
my lack of these really irritating
feelings
maybe I'm not enough of a girl
maybe I'm not REALLY a girl
because then
I should feel
bad about myself
and
I don't think I do
or have
although people have called me
insecure
but
I just don't identify


and
I'm all defensive about it


so
confuding

i just gotta get through today

I'm gonna be saying that
all week though
maybe I will get sick
maybe I will not
but
I'm not expecting work
to be especially enjoyable
because of shit
that's going down


did the oil pulling again
I'm gonna keep doing that
for a while
it does seem to make a difference
it's supposed to be good
for your teeth
and whiten them
although
sesame oil
which is traditional in India
makes more sense to me
because it's high in calcium
but
that may not be why they use it


anyway
have a good day

goodnight sweetheart

i had a very strange collection of dreams

weird individually
weird collectively
but not good
unpleasant
unsettling
and
hot
and waking up with leg cramps
I do not feel well
I still don't feel sick
but
even less well
yuck

goodnight sweetheart

i'm going to bed now

i hope you are feeling better

I don't feel sick at all
but
I just fell asked in my chair
I feel
sorta run down
and
very very tired
I am gonna have to go to bed early
because
they are still getting sick at work
I can't afford to be run down

so

I'm finding
there is a whole
other group
of books


more later
on exigence

so, somehow in the course of hours looking through books and lists of books, reviews of books

it somehow shifted from a strictly scientific study
of atmospheric science
to a more interdisciplinary examination
of the anthrocene
and
while i am still super excited
about the comparison of planetary atmospheres
and the carbon cycle
the atmospheric science text book
it might end up being more of a reference book
where i read some sections and don't read others
also
somewhere there was a book
talking about the culture of the anthrocene
that might or might not be good
i didn't get to read excerpts before i lost it somewhere down the rabbit hole

idk

this might turn into something else

more books i want

the cryosphere

an introduction to atmospheric chemistry

National Audubon Society Field Guide to Weather: North America

earth system science

laws of thermodynamics

gravity

Facing Gaia: Eight Lectures on the New Climatic Regime
Anthropocene or Capitalocene?: Nature, History, and the Crisis of Capitalism

Hyperobjects: Philosophy and Ecology after the End of the World (Posthumanities)

Facing Gaia: Eight Lectures on the New Climatic Regime

A Perfect Moral Storm: The Ethical Tragedy of Climate Change (Environmental Ethics and Science Policy Series)

Dark Ecology: For a Logic of Future Coexistence (The Wellek Library Lectures)

Staying with the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene (Experimental Futures)

there are some other books I want
but those will get me started
mornin sweets

oops, i should read my phone better, it's tomorrow, of course, oh well

it's groundhog's day

which makes me think of the movie
groundhog's day
which
always makes me think
of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence theory


is groundhog's day
a strictly American holiday
it seems like it
like
the largest ball of twine roadside attraction
only
in holiday form
because it's not like
go outside where you are
and look for a groundhog
is it
it's just that one ceremonial groundhog, right


anyway
have a good one
hope you don't get six more weeks of winter
but
hope that I do
or else
that spring is longer than the three weeks it sometimes is
but
the weather was mood alteringly beautiful yesterday
and maybe it will be today


bring it on Phil
bring it on