today
would have been
my father's 80th birthday

i dreamed

I went to some sort of party
for your sister
it was a a synagogue
so not like a wild party
I sat with a bunch of Greeks
then
I went to get in a car
to hide from
Debbie Heather
and
it turned out to be her car
but
she didn't talk to me
I just hid my face
and she just pretended she didn't see me
and drove out
but
at some point
she must have dumped me
because I was trying to follow her
trying to get your address
but
I just ended up
at like a high security
parking garage

Thanksgiving Thoughts

i slept in
it's been rough for me lately
i'm trying to get extra sleep
i set an alarm
but
i snoozed a bit
i'm a snoozer
my cat hates it
wtf he says
if you want to get up then get up
otherwise, why disrupt my sleep
he's a morning person

so
i got up
and checked my phone
and had thoughts
i have to admit
since i checked my phone first
one of my first thoughts was
jeez 10 emails?
i thought everyone had already sent me
3 black friday emails
i already did my holiday shopping
i can't afford the skin care stuff i want from mahalo
ya'll should just crank it back a notch

but
i did move on from there

maybe, i thought
maybe my problem
maybe my problem is
that i've never really been grateful for my life

i was obviously interested enough
in checking out of it
that my father talked to me about it at age 7
and at one point i thought
no that was just some free associated riff
based on whatever he was into at that point
but no
when i compared notes
my brother an i got completely different talks
and they were preciently useful
so
either the guides were giving him pointers
or he knew that
for me
this life was not worth the trouble


so
there's a way in which
it's like an apartment that isn't worth decorating
because it's just rented, ya know
how long ya gonna really be there

also an element
of running out the clock

and
those elements
they don't contribute anything useful
they're better off discarded


the fortune teller got it wrong
i'm not gonna have a kid who's a scientist
get involved in his work
and that's gonna make me live longer

i'm not gonna have a kid

but
i stopped smoking so i could have a kid with you
and got involved with your work
and those things
probably
will make me live longer than i would have done

and
rather than thinking wistfully about how i should have kept smoking
how useless the extra time is
and at the end when everything is so much crappier
no kid, probably dying alone

how much extra time i think

50 cigarettes a day
supposedly 17 minutes less per cigarette
i used to think that as i'd smoke em
times 9 years
50 x 365 x 9 x 17 = 2,792,250
2,792,250 minutes longer
this is where i get a little fuzzy
17 / 60 = 0.283333333333333333
2,792,250 x 0.283 = 790,206.75
is that right
i had a lot of trouble deciding if it should be
multiplication or division
but hours has to be less that minutes
so i think it has to be multiplication
but
i could be wrong about it
so
790,206.75 / 24 = 32,925.28
32,925.28 / 365 = 90.206
so
wait
i've added 90 years to my life
by quitting smoking to have a baby with you
there weren't 90 years ever to begin with

the whole 17 minute thing has got to be a propagandistic lie to begin with
but
did i do the math right?

i've got like a whole-nother life

maybe
maybe i can
maybe i can be grateful
for
for this
for this one

i went to dinner with my mom last night

Shirley was there too
obvi
because she can't be left alone
the guy came around to refill our tea
and my mom turns to her
hand me your glass
she literally handed her
by turns
every piece of silverware
and then started on the condiment caddy
she didn't know which thing
on the table
was a glass
I am VERY
VERY
afraid now
I told my mom
after we had her in the car
you better be taking
like every anti dementia supplement
you can get your hands on
she's like
yes
and
I don't want to be like that
so you have to
take me somewhere
where its legal
and have them kill me


good times

idk if this will be a tiny text or not, it needs context so i'm casting a wider net-- this is prework

[in progress]


we were a drinking family.

so many dreams, but i don't remember much

fragments, really
in one
there was some
contest, race I think
and I know I had to keep
making body postures
and that somehow
created bones
or something
somehow
representing meals
it was weird


there was lots of random stuff
the park I went to as a child


and then
there was my father
he was younger
maybe my age
and my brother was also younger
and
I'm not sure if I was or not
I was twenty when my dad was my age
he was born in 37
I was born in 67
we were sitting in front of a fireplace
I don't think
anywhere we ever actually lived
although
I only lived with my father
until I was ten
I'm not sure what was going on
but
he seemed happy
he wanted me to take his picture
which I did
and when I looked at it later
it was blurry
and
although I'm sure he had been
facing me and smiling
the picture showed
him turned away
and barely distinguishable
like
he could have been anybody


but
I was trying to remember
a story I wanted to tell you
and what comes to mind
after this dream
is the
are you sure you're ok story
which i may have told you
but I don't think so

so anyway

I feel better
I hope that lasts

i dreamed i was a super hero

and
I could fly
but
I didn't do it much
because
I could also teleport
and
I was trying to
get to see a match
with this supposed to be really cute
but also really bad-ass
Korean super hero girl
they had stuff set up
kinda like Luchedores


and her name
and costume
were
fluorescent green


I was trying to figure out
if I had enough money
to date her


it was weird

bells bells bells bells

I dreamed
I guess a bunch of stuff
but
what I remember
I was walking somewhere
I was happy and free
and in special clothes
with a bracelet of bells
jingling as I walked
and then
a came to a doorway
and as soon as I got to it
the door was slammed shut
and
I realized it was Debbie Heather
and that this has happened
again and again
and how
how did this keep happening
and I realized
it was because
the bells
let everyone know where I was
belled