ok. 3-3.5

but
I think I need to wait eight ish hours between doses
because
I took the first one at six
and when I took the second at eleven
I have felt very strange
like I imagine I'd feel if my blood pressure dropped substantially
I can't take it
so I don't know if that's what going on
but
whoa
I'm having some trouble
one of the things it can do is lower your blood pressure
but I had gotten the impression
generally
not like right now
I need a nap


I'm sure I'll be fine

correction

I had a typo or something
maybe I changed midstream
but
I'm not taking some magic ibuprofen 3
I'm taking three regular ibuprofen
twice a day
and two Excedrin migraine
now
when I had the flu
she gave me 800mg ibuprofen
and told me I could take it three times a day
but
I only took it twice a day
so
I'm not exceeding that dose
but
I didn't think that was a safe dose
and today
I actually feel much better
after only one day
but
I'm worried about later today
fingers crossed
no whammies


already noticing increased mobility
yay

serrapeptase

well, I'm trying something
I hope it works
I've been using the nattokinase
and i feel like it's really helped
with blood flow and whatnot
but not the pain in my ankle and heel


remember, I was telling you it was a seven
well, I had forgotten ALA
but I remembered it
and I've been taking it for a few weeks
and the pain's way down
but
I'm also taking ibuprofen three
two twice a day
which is too much
not sustainable
then I'm taking milk thistle
to support my liver


but
I heard about serrapeptase
they use it in Europe for inflammation
mostly
but
it does a bunch of different stuff
if it does anything
it eats dead tissue
so it cleans out scar tissue
and old injuries
but
you gotta take big doses
and you cannot take it with any of those pain killers
because it'll thin your blood too much
which I've been avoiding with the natto
by taking it a night
and pain killers in the day


but
I want to be free to move
not a calcified mass
so I'm risking that this is gonna work
I've got my pain down to like a two
and I'm risking
big pain
I'm nervous
but
I believe it's possible
it feels good now
but
I've taken a couple big doses
I soaked in Epsom salts for like two hours
and I've been off my feet for two days
so
ya know
who knows


but
I feel like I'm supposed to be able to move


I want to
I don't want to be defined
by my pain threshold


but
might not work
might end up having weird side effects
if it does work
might fix other shit
just no way to know


exciting?
not sure

skin three

I tried the moringa under makeup today
I normally use my little barn apothecary
orchid and blackcurrant serum
but
I think I can whip up a serum/primer
w/ moringa, broccoli seed oil, not sure
depends
on the other elements
but the texture is very very silky
also broccoli seed oil
and they're both anti oxidants


hope your day is going good
I love you

skin update

ok
the moringa oil is awesome
mixed with the black castor
also awesome
maybe a little thicker than i planned
probably whatever else i add should be thinner
although
i don't know
i can't stop touching my face
i feel good about this mixture so far

skin

so
black castor oil is purgative
moringa is purifying
both are nutritive
I want to keep a balance of mostly
linoleic over oleic
because that will help liquify
sebum
cleaning out clogged pores
for additional oils
I'm leaning toward musk melon seed oil
because it's high linoleic and
supports cell wall integrity
plus
melon in any capacity is cleansing
but
I'm having trouble finding it
except from Canada
where shipping I high
so
I might substitute kalabash oil
which I can get from shea terra
but
I'm not sure
that's only 3 oils
but that seems sufficient
pre-testing, anyway
I've just been testing the black castor
with my regular go to blend of
argan and baobab
but those are high oleic


I wanted to have six elements
so I could call it
deep six
but
I can't see adding anything just for that reason
I wanted black seed oil
and frankensence
for healing
but
maybe simpler is better
not sure
I really like the way the black castor smells
don't want to get too much
maybe some vanilla bean
but it'd have to be light
but
a sensory element would be good
this is really fun
ya know

i just had the most incredible dream

it was like
the first part of a novel


there was this girl
she was like a sunflower
pretty, sweet, fairly normal


except
she was from a rich background
other than that
completely relateable
she worked with an office type place
she did computer social media stuff
she did some sort of volunteer work
with the ballet
she was still paying off a tennis trip she had taken with a really good friend
who I think was a sorority sister
her big secret
she had had an affair
years before
with a famous writer
she was dating someone, semi-seriously
everything was going along pretty well


then, one night she gets the call
from the dark and the near
it's time for her initiation


she follows this trail
that is marked with these beautiful
blue and aqua glass candle holders
so many of them
it looks like a photo shoot for a magazine
she is dressed to the nines
cocktail wear
and when she sets to the underground headquarters
there is a pause
everyone claps
she has arrived at the dark and the near


and then
they tell her
how her life is going to be now
she's moving, somewhere, France, maybe
this and that thing I don't remember
she will be working
coincidence
I don't think so
with the author with whom she had the affair
the group seems to think this is just
a huge perk
but the subtext
is
she is supposed to break up his marriage
maybe
discredit him
maybe help him
it isn't clear
but
the dark and the near
they definitely come across as
like illuminati
and this whole
go in and change the landscape
is her first initiation
but
later
she might be killing people
you just don't know
and there was so much time spent
building her up as a sunflower


it was quite a twist

22 jawbreaker lollies

I dreamed
I was going to a show
just down the road
from somewhere I've been before
but I've no idea where it was
there was this whole graphic
GPS thing
about location
but
the dreamland version


when I got there
I bought 22 tickets


and then
a group walked by me
with two big bags of jawbreaker lollipops
and I was all like
that looks awesome
I'm gonna get that too

ok, sorry it's a long vid-- these are the brushes i want

doing a promo change this week

but
it's not too bad
so doing 6-2
had linner (lunch+dinner) with my mom today
I haven't got anything interesting to tell you
I'm not enjoying work
my heel hurts enough
that I am actually considering
probably won't
going to a doctor
how much pain is normal
do you think


it's better
I think
but
I'm not certain
I was thinking it's about a 7
but
then I reprimanded myself
I mean
I can surely imagine a lot more pain
than 10
if this is a 7
I mean
the time that dildo was cleaned with alcohol
and not rinsed
that probably is not the extent
of the pain you could feel
and
if that was a 10
surely this is more of a 6
well, 6.5, anyway


the weather had a little cool snap
which was fucking awesome
really really excellent
but
it's back to hot
and really really bright


I want
tropical drinks
with fruit, and tiny umbrellas
I used to joke with Becky that I wanted
a cabana boy
to bring me such drinks
and rub my feet
it was a running joke
but
somehow this imaginary guy
got a name
probably because
it needed a shorthand from the cabana boy
and, besides, it seemed rude
cabana boys have names, ya know
so becky's been gone
and I had forgotten about the joke
but
just now
telling you that i need fruity drinks
it made me think of it
my imaginary cabana boy
Julio


I kind of want
a rae Morris brush
they are super cool
but
I'm trying to talk myself out of it
but
the eye shadow brush I got
has rocked my world pretty hard
I have developed an obsession
where there was aesthetic interest before
I'm not sure I can do the whole link thing
on my phone
I'm writing this in bed


maybe you'll send me dreams
goodnight
sweetheart

phallic dreams

I don't remember much
I know I was in school again
for at least part of the dream
but
like
grad school, or something
and we each had cubicles
mine
and my friend in the dream
were bathroom stalls
I was not enjoying school
I'm'na have ya quit this
I thought


but
the phallic part
there was a stage
and there was this guy
jumping up and down
and
as soon as I realized
I tried not to look
but
he was huge
like maybe
3.5" or 4" diameter
and
foot long
and it was too high on his body
like near navel height
it kinda freaked me out

me and neptune

we had some communication about biting

he bites for several different reasons

sometimes
he doesn't want to be touched
sometimes
he doesn't mind to be touched, generally
but, specifically
he doesn't like the part of his body being touched
sometimes
he gets over stimulated and he needs to bite
sometimes
he expresses affection through biting
[my cat moon was like that]

so
we determined how hard he can bite me
without it freaking me out
he promises to try not to bite me harder than that
if
i don't touch him in ways that make him uncomfortable

which consists of
it is always ok to pet his head/face unless he is actively upset
which he will try to visually display before my hand gets into biting range

the over stimulated situation
is a bit trickier
he tried to make it clear
that he isn't good at controlling himself
when he's all riled up

he did this really amazing thing
where he attacked his face with his back legs
i was worried that he was gonna really hurt himself
after he got all riled up and was biting me
hurting me
and i'm screaming
let go let go

so
clearly
i'm gonna have to monitor for that myself
and he's got a short fuse
so
tricky

he's a very smart cat

i choose male cats, mostly
largely because i kinda like their dumbness
female cats are smart and manipulative
tenacious
and good hunters
in my experience
[kitten, amurr, harvey]

male cats are beautiful
sweet
and dumb
in my experience
[moon, piglet, midnight, weebo, shmee, buzz]

amurr wasn't actually smart
she was kind of crazy
but she was the other things

weebo was multiple personality, i think
because
sometimes he would look at you
and he didn't know who you were
so sometimes he was scared of me
but
otherwise he was sweet

he told me his name
or at least it seemed like he did
telepathically
i might have been high at the time
weebo zap zebo
was his full name

kitten
ended up being kitten
and
harvey
ended up being harvey
because they learned their names the first day
and they subsequently could not be changed

i was sure neptune knew his name
was answering to it
when i first got him
but
he doesn't answer to it now

so either he's setting boundaries
i do not come when i'm called--  i'm a cat
or
he was just responding to summons without understanding his name before
and
same thing--  boundaries


anyway
he wants to be friends
he likes me
i think
eventually
we'll work it all out

that thing sbout my cat

it amuses me
this might be stupid
but
he did refuse to eat the kind of food
his foster mother said he loved
I had bought a huge bag of it
but
I had given him the bag I bought at PETsMART
first
which I thought was right
but it was wrong
but he liked it
apparently better
so I had to make a special trip
to buy him more of that
and he still bites me


so it makes me laugh
to be petting him
encouraging him to eat
saying
you're a good boy asshole


it was just a slice of life
not
meaningful

good morning angel

I fell asleep on the sofa
I meant to write something last night
but
with the fell asleep thing
I've decided not to change the cat's actual name
he's still Neptune
but
his new nickname is asshole
which he doesn't understand
but
which gives me a great deal of satisfaction
more so than it probably warrants
hope everything is beautiful
and you're enjoying
time spent with friends
I've got to finish getting ready for work
but
I love you

hope everything's ok

just so you know

that was not
that poem
intended to be a complaint
it was intended
as a love poem
I complain plenty
I hate what celibacy does to me
but
my choice
and still
not a poem complainer
I just haven't been writing much
and
I've been wanting to
and
I thought you'd like that
but
then I got paranoid that you
wouldn't take it in the spirit intended
so I'm writing this explanatory bullshit
which probably ruins it
but
whatever


I love you

endless saturday

strawberry musk
black coconut
dr. pepper lipsmacker
I'm fixin a hole
and
the beat goes on
swimming
in thoughts of you
your jaw
your lips
your hands
concrete poetry
with other body parts
endless looping thoughts
yes yes yes yes yes yes yessssss
until
it's a new word
a new thought
a new universe
the kaleidoscopic metallic beetle
all ancient Egypt meets sci-fi
or maybe
it's just patterns of light in my head
but bring it baby, bring it
the magic that makes me a real girl
it's only been forever
crazy for you
justify
like a virgin
like a prayer
tiger tiger burning bright
ice ice baby
whatever
whatever
whatever
Rosetta stone
tabula Rosa
recalculating
it takes
where the wild things are
baby
take me there

i'm not sure i made the right decision with this cat

on the one hand
he has distracted me from
my utter misery
at losing my baby
but

he is pretty mercurial
he was initially very affectionate
but that was clearly a manipulative device

he's still intermitantly affectionate, but
he bites

so
i'm a little afraid

also
he need a lot of play

so
i'm beginning to see him as more of a street cat
which he is
and less of a puppy kitten
which i knew he wasn't
but
is more what i'm used to

i'm not sure i could have a dog
they seem too needy
too unhappy when you leave for work
too messy
just too, ya know

but
for the first time in my life
i'm really seeing
cats are not just kinda making you work for it
they are not really just living their own lives
they are maybe
cold

this is something that happened:

he wasn't greeting me when i came home from work
he wasn't seeming to give a shit

so
i came in
i said:  look buddy
i expect you to greet me at the door
i'm gonna feed you now, in good faith that you didn't understand
but
next time
i want you at the door when i come in

now
i been saying a lot of shit to him
and he has been completely ignoring me
but
that little mutherfucker has been at the door to greet me
every day since
whether i come in the front or the back
whether i come on the bus or the car
he hears the key in the lock
he is johnny on the spot

and he's doing it
like a job
to get extra rations
not because he loves me

and
on the one hand
it doesn't matter
but
on the other hand
it's so like life
that it makes me sad

i am tempted to take him back
i really am

but
that seems wrong
and
he wanted to come home with me
or he wouldn't have manipulated me into it
so
eventually he'll love me

i brought home a rescue cat
i don't know what i expected

i specifically wanted not to be reminded
that i didn't have buzz anymore
but
still have a creature to come home to
i just didn't expect

quite so much challenge

anyway
i'm modifying his name:

Neptune-Shango

he's gonna make me want a dog