i dreamed we were younger and you were living in the midwest

I went to see you
you worked at a bank
maybe you were a security guard
or a custodian
I was surprised you had a day job
but
I endured the quizzing of your work friends
we went to dinner
I don't remember that part too well
this is the first time you've been to see me that you weren't sick, you said
you quoted some things to me
that I didn't remember
either of us saying
then you said
your friend had called me a blue bird
I heard panther
then you took me for a ride in your truck
but suddenly
we were on the streets
the bumpy streets
where I grew up
with the gnarled live oaks
making the street seem like a tunnel
and we were kissing
while driving
we have to stop
I said
meaning driving
because it was dangerous
these streets had too much traffic for kissing
but
you thought I meant kissing
I could tell
you had been making up a story
telling it to me while we drove
it had been going very well
I was super into you
and i had kissed you
just like I peck type kiss
like carried away enthusiasm
but it had taken, ya know
and now tongues were involved
it was amazing
and I was feeling the desperate throb down below
I in no way wanted to stop
and when you looked in my eyes
with your uncertainty at my statement
you could tell I meant driving


but then my alarm went off
and I risked being late
to try to get back to kissing you
but
I couldn't get back


I love you

i'm holding you and just kinda swaying

i love you
sweet tart

i'm having a sort of fantasy

I just watched an episode of outlander
because of Ronald D Moore
I don't think I like it
but
now
I really want
you
with that new steely jaw look
in a kilt
kilts are hot
but the ones in this show
they are really hot
aacckh

lord, please help me not to be mean to my mother

I had dinner with her tonight
I had had a somewhat challenging day
prior to meeting with mom
I was telling her about
my missing a period
ya know like
once a year
as part of
the pre hopefully menopausal process
and
this is like an example
of what I am continually asking her NOT to do


well, you know
menopause can occur between 45 and 55
and missing periods can be part of it


if you would like to share your experiences with me
I am happy to hear about it
if you just want to tell me
something I might have just Googled
I'm not interested


well
I don't know what you've looked up


if you would like to SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES
with me
I'm happy to hear them
otherwise
I'm not interested


for example
did you have hot flashes?


I don't think so


really? not ever?


I don't know.


and then i had to explain
how i don't think it's appropriate for her to
do a Roth ira for me


that's your money
you should stay liquid
and, besides
it makes me feel like a loser


plus
I don't want her saying later
I gotta come live with you
I spent all my money on you


and she never just gives
she expects


how
how am I this woman's child?

i dreamed i was working on an album

it was a collaborative effort
and I had three pieces
maybe
maybe it was just lyrics though
because then
then I was performing them
and it was poetry
and
there was a concrete element
so I was collecting large crystals
and soaking yellow raisins in wine
figuring out
overhead projection
the raisins were
representing friends
and i wasn't sure that it wasn't
just a little gimmick-y
maybe
maybe this last poem wasn't any good
I wrote it at the last minute
for the album
and it was
repetitive
and
more pop-y I guess
I was worried
and it seemed such a serious exhibition


then there was travel
and people
and I woke up
tired

ya know how i never had that happy happy blood time

I'm having it now

sometimes the strangest things

come floating to the surface
she has your smile

i'm thinking about you

and
maybe I haven't told you recently
but
I love you
like
bunches and bunches

dream i just had

I carefully excised
using a fairly large needle to cut
antique dr pepper coupons
on bright green colored paper


there were cracked style cartoons
in the old book
which seemed anachronistic
movie stars from the 80s
smashed sandwiches on their faces


then
there was something
it was a huge hit
and I was discussing it
with a gay guy
I knew him in the dream
he was leading the way
info a crowded public viewing space
but
I couldn't stand the crowd
and so
I somehow morphed
space an time
so
another friend of mine
sick somehow
were seeing a concert on a small island
like tiny, manmade seeming
and there were chairs for the sick people
and a blanket on the sand for the guests
I had to fight him, slightly
to get him to sit in the chair
but when I looked at him in the chair
the chair was commemorating
a 12 year old girl
who had died of cancer
and she turned
holographically, or whatever
looked at me from the chair
I identified with her
and started to cry


wtf

i have been having strange dreams

and i'm slightly worried about that last one
I'm doing the best I can
with everything
that's going on
but
now
I feel like
I'm screwing up
I'm going back to sleep

dream i just had

book and books
red books
of illegal testimony
illegally given
illegally written
about
nothing
about to be illegally frivolously bound
in torn kimono fabric


a glass building
radio station
I was almost broadcasting
but
young
a student
somehow I did or did not have my finger on the pulse of these books


it was the early 80s
and
the world
was changing
forever and not for better


I was young
and
you a little older
you thought I completely missed the point
I guess I wasn't gonna be famous


it was all rather confusing


there's a song stick in my head
I can't quite place it
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qOv6ld7erSA


I think that's it

i've got things

things I want to tell you
things I need to tell you
but
I can't tell you
and
you know how I was paranoid and premenstrual
well
never had happy happy blood time yet
but
rather than being sad
thinking it's age
I'm betting it's STRESS
life
it's not going well for me
right here
right now
things were bad last month
but it just keeps getting worse


I don't mean to worry you


you're wonderful
my stress has nothing to do with you


I was stressed out the other night
I asked for a sign in my dreams
and there literally WAS a sign
it said:
TREASURE
but
I'm not sure what that means
either
I am your treasure
or
I'm winning the lottery
or
something else


it makes me happy to think I'm your treasure
I need to win the frakkin lottery
aaaarrrggg, pirates
they got treasure

i love you

I felt you the last few days

i love you very much

ok, i've made myself completely paranoid

so, whatever
I'm premenstrual, I guess
I love you
I think you are awesome
I want nothing but good things for you
so
if I screwed up on anything
anywhere
anytime
just know
it's not because I don't care
ok

and then i didn't feel you this evening

which is maybe
because I confused you
or
you're just busy
or
whatever
but I missed it


I haven't smoked anything
since maybe August
and that makes all that intergalactic stuff
less likely


anyway
I miss you


I'm sorry I'm confusing


I want you, badly

i was pretty much still asleep when i typed the last one

so I missed finer points I think
it wasn't the whole body that was olives
it was eyes and lips, mostly
don't know if that makes a difference
interpretation wise


I love you
but I worry
about the burning
I don't want you to hurt yourself

i felt you all evening

in that intense power surge way
that I haven't for a while
but
I'm not sure what it meant
waves and waves
but
not sure


and
Ouija board
talking to you, it seems like


and I fell asleep and dreamed
something about clothes
and resorts
and
freezing makeup
and
cutting olives
to make a simulated corpse


it was
complicated


but I haven't been remembering my dreams


I love you very much