i'm sick again

it seems like i've been sick a lot this year

my back feels ok though
so i'm ahead of last year
this next week is new year, so it might be a little rough
and then the next week is promo change, so overnights

i took yesterday off and slept all day
today i'm just taking it a little easy

i hope everything is ok with you
sometimes
sometimes i worry
i don't know if i should

i had a reaction, rather my eyes did
i was trying out a new powder  --  circa 1935
i wore it on xmas and it didn't seem to give me any problem
i wanted to test it first
because it contains fragrance
and i thought it might be a problem
but i couldn't resist the vintage-ness

now
maybe this was the sickness
or maybe it was the powder
but my eyes started making mucus, seriously
it was blurring my vision
and
my eyelids swelled up
it wasn't a good look for me

but
i washed 90% of my makeup off in the back room sink
with just warm water and scratchy paper towels
and that, to me, is the sign of good makeup
it washes off easily

i don't really like powder
but you need it to set the makeup, right
it looks good at first
but then it doesn't

and i was trying a buffing technique
so i might have ground it into my eyes, just a little


anyway
i'm thinking about you
in that way that i think about you when i'm sick
my birthday's coming up
and i'm a little bit afraid
to be honest

day in the life -- yesterday

i was going to go in early
but i didn't get there early
i tweaked my back a little the day before
[but i was so proud
i cleared out the hall in a couple hours to make room for the new
so i must have cleared about a hundred cases, literally]
so i took a longer shower
and then
there's my telescoping morning routine....

and i was nervous
because the police told the big box next door that they should expect protesters

and, as a consequence of that, the district manager was going to be there
he's kind of a jackass

anyway
i got in there
i put stuff out
i moved stuff around
i got the tasting ready
and every time they called for register back up
rather than go
i just told myself how much money we'd lose
if i
didn't get to do what i was doing

suck it
somebody else has to go

my complete fixation with that one thing has worked like a charm
i haven't been dreaming that i'm working
so i'm not getting as exhausted

i have a pretty steep learning curve
so i think i'm getting the hang of it
and
i like it
i think i look good

my skin looks better too, i think
[not today though
it's happy happy blood time
and i have some small blemishes
but, hey
not a bunch of huge cystic stuff on my chin]

but i'm not sure whether that's because i've finally figured out my, let's face it, middle aged skin
or whether my hormones were just more mellow this month
i didn't seem to have any sort of pre-menstrual amped up emotion

at this time of year
that seems like some sort of miracle

anyway
by the time i left
i had sold about 1100 units
so
it pretty much looked like shit
i stayed about an hour late
i put more stuff out
but then
i thanked my helper in advance for all the work i knew she was gonna do
and i left


i have three helpers
none of them work with me much
but i need them
i have no authority over them
none at all
so they do what i say because they want to help me, pretty much

one of them is gone now
she and her husband are moving to new jersey
he got a better job and whatever

i had two seasonal hires in mind for that slot after the holidays

but
she already picked her successor
which tickled me no end
i'm picky
i'm difficult to work for, apparently

the people i'm looking at are outgoing, knowledgeable about the wine already
smart, attractive, cream of the crop type people

they're unlikely to stay
and, perhaps, unlikely to thrive on my weirdness

the one she picked for me
she doesn't drink, she's a little attitudy, she makes me uncomfortable
because she's slightly socially maladaptive, and kinda nerdy
she's married to a guy with aspbergers
clearly
she can handle me

it made me love farm girl all that much more that she totally set that up
i kind of have to accept it as a fait acomplis


anyway
after i got off work
i had to go wander around to decompress

and i just really realized that my grocery store has more drugstore cosmetics
than the drugstore i go to
and
they have coupons
so
i wandered up and down the aisles for
[i'm not sure]
an hour and a half
maybe two

i got a back up of my favorite shadow
maybelline expert wear earthly taupe
and then i spent forever deciding what to get with it
[the deal was buy two items get three dollars off]
but, seriously
every lipstick seemed to have been opened
so i ended up getting another shadow night sky

with coupon
final price per eyeshadow one-o-seven, score
i thought the three dollars i'd managed to get for the others was good

then too
i have decided that what i need
is this urban decay shade i used to have
called polyester bride
no no, i say to myself, that's a glitter bomb and you're an "older" woman now
it will not look good
plus inappropriate
but i couldn't help myself
well, they don't make it anymore
so, there's that

but
milani makes a baked shadow called lily white
dollar off coupon = four dollars-ish

after i checked out
i ran to the car
[ok, i didn't really run]
put it on with my fingers
visor mirror

transformed

i put it on the inside corners
and really inside third of my lid
[cause i saw somebody do that and it made their eyes wide, doe-eyed
and that's always been what i want uma thurman eyes]
i also put it as a brow bone highlight
and
suddenly
the asian quality of my eye was accentuated
they didn't look bigger
but
they were beautiful

so now i have that to figure out
how not to overdo that



anyway
there was more
but this feels like the place to stop with this
the small interactions which i enjoyed
with random people
in the grocery store
and my musings on nail polish names hot mess and unicorn
feels like --  too much

after that i went home
cooked fish sandwiches
no french fries or chips or anything
on these crazy little yeast rolls  --  so more like sliders, really
with a jillion pickle chips


this might be the best holiday season i've had
--  so far  --
as an adult

i'm tired and busy

and i want to be talking to you more

i'm sorry about that

not like
i apologize
like
i'm sorry
for me as much as for how it might make you feel

i like to talk to you
and
there is more to the marta story
that was just thew intro
we didn't even get to the dark yet
we were just establishing her as, like, a seer

the flashes
in my head
of the contained jungle
and
the questions i'm trying to answer
about what catalyst
[drug, no drug, whatever]
to incite the visions
maybe
since i haven't taken any of those drugs
it would be better not to pretend to know anything about them



if you can
i would really be happy
if you could visit me in dreamland
i miss the crazy cosmic physical not physical stuff

it's harder to feel you when i don't get high
and i haven't
not for months and months