dear mother russia

what is it you love about me
you hit me up
like 15 times a day
what's up with that

am i linked somehow
to bigfoot
or
the chupacabra
or your equivalent

i thought i maybe had a reader
but
now
i'm not so sure

tonight's reading

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=71:65:6:29:25:7:27:13:42&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=what%20does%20he%20really%20believe%20about%20our%20future%20together&date=no&backg=1&reading=

i love you

i've been in kind of a weird mood today
and
it comes and goes, really
i'm on the knife's edge
of happy
and
well, any day now
or maybe already
but
i don't think so

i keep having these surges
which i guess means you're thinking about me
and, i just wonder
about things

and
what you really believe will happen
and how you believe it will happen

and
if i should write speculative fiction
or
not

and
my friend is getting married
she told me about it months ago
she gave me a refrigerator magnet save-the-date
but i didn't pay any attention to the date, really
until now

and
i want you
pretty badly
and i don't even really mean sexually
i just want to hug you
and smell you a little
and then, kiss you
i have that so clearly in my mind
it's almost like it's happened
i used to think it would be all tentative, or else
frenzied
but
this is not either of those things

it's like
two people who have been apart too long
but are totally unselfconscious with one another
we're sitting next to each other
and
we just both lean in and kiss
like it was the only possible thing to do
like it had already happened a million times
like magnet and steel

not like the terror i sort of expect
with all the performance anxiety and rejection issues

like the brain chatter of the current incarnations just shut off
and we got back to whatever we had
wherever we had it before
just solid
not even lusty

just
the need
to be
one

wine

silver oak is really good
but
i really don't have any other $70 cabs to compare it to
the wines i'm used to
when i think "smooth"
i think not much in the way of tannin action going on
but this made me rethink that
there was plenty of tannin happening
but balanced
drawn in on itself, somehow
and there was a velvet mouthfeel
that kept everything civilized

i usually don't want to spend much money on wines
because i don't want them to be too precious
like the jar of creme de mer that never got used
i want them to be friendly
drink them
cook with them
whatever

but i did
almost exactly a year before i net you
spend $30 on a glass of tawney port
in a resort bar
in keystone

i love wine

question:

are you mackin on me really hard right now
or is silver oak cab really just that good

i love you halo

i love you sweetness

have a beautiful day today

i thought i felt you tonight at about 7pm, pulling on me, like where are you why haven't you said anything

i was shopping

i bought some clothes
colorful clothes
an orange shirt
2 blue, orange, and white boho chic tie dye

and
i bought this jacket/cardigan/whatever
it's mostly white with black boho chic tie dye
it swings down in the front
it's not really slimming
but i don't feel like
night grew a head is all that slimming, really
but
it looks like
slightly ritual garb, somehow
and
i hope it doesn't come off as hippie
it's some label i haven't heard of before
[so are the other thing]
they are all fenn wright manson
oh yeah, and the abstract print sleeveless shirt
that's really what got me started
i can't believe i'm gonna wear a sleeveless shirt as a jacket
and
that i'm gonna wear a bright print
but
it's beautiful
and it looks good on me
and
i wanted some color
i'm starting to feel like my wardrobe is too old for me

more this is not the story

for a while i went to an acupuncturist.  and one day --  i'm sure it was the day of your bicycle vision  --  i saw you so clearly and spoke to you.  i can't remember what was said, you know how that goes sometimes, and maybe i didn't say anything at all, really.  for me, i don't think it was a bike.  i'm pretty sure you were in a folding beach lounger.  could that have really happened?  the important thing was that i touched your consciousness.  i was sure we had a quantum entanglement.  i was sure you were tied to my mission.  i was like an activated sleeper.

did you think about me?  you were kind of a mess for a while there.  i doubt you thought about me much.  maybe, after you realized i lacked the bag of chips you forgot me entirely.  at least until you read some of what i had to say about flying.  i think now, i wrote like a starched shirt then.  ok, maybe lightly starched and with love.  but still.  one thing i'm not, i'm not a phony, and i guess you could see that.  you couldn't quite believe it, though.  and i guess i made a lot of assumptions about the kind of girl you were used to based on how you reacted.  which is part of why i wanted to be a person instead of a woman.  it always sounds weird to me:  woman.  girl sounds less oppressive.  chick, somehow, almost better.  none of this is or ever has been pathology.  i mean, sure i got the penis envy, but that doesn't make me a dude or anything.  maybe it was all just dirt from the road.  i guess you think i cleaned up ok.  i just didn't want to get lost in translation.

i keep thinking about the hollywood sign.

i love you, please don't turn out to be a delusion

why are you so much better than everyone else

why do you make me feel
so much more loved
than anyone ever has

even
when you don't say anything
even
when i'm not sure you're real

i can feel you

it's crazy

because i really believe
that you feel tenderly towards me
but also a whole host of other things
but
the tenderly has sometimes been the most unbelievable
if you understand me

i don't seem to care about anything
as much as i care about you

i love you mi pimenton

i dreamed i was taking the bus to work
and it kept raining and raining

i have to say

i like the idea of cooking for you

i want to make mole

mi semental, oops i mean mi caballo

damn you auto correct

now i'm just lelo

recipe - pois chiches bourguignon

phase 1

combine these ingredients in a crockpot

2 1/2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
1 2x3 piece of kombu
2 Tbs cumin seeds
3/4 Tbs fennel seed
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
2 medium onions chopped
2 small dried chipotle peppers
5 large dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
3 cloves of garlic [chopped]
2 bottles bridgeport dark rain beer [black ipa]
1 cup chianti
2 Tbs black truffle oil

if needs be add enough water that chickpeas are 1 inch below the surface, it is fine if the peppers float.  cook on high for 10 - 12 hours.  you will probably need to add water after 8 hours.  if you are at home when you cook this, stir every 2 hours.  if not, skip that step.


phase 2

2 medium onions coarsely chopped
5 cloves of garlic chopped
1 cup red wine [something with more fruit:  merlot, pinot noir, garnacha]
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp konriko brand chipotle seasoning
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp cumin seeds

again, top off with water.  turn heat down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.


you will love this

recipe - pois chiches bourguignon

phase 1

combine these ingredients in a crockpot

2 1/2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
1 2x3 piece of kombu
2 Tbs cumin seeds
3/4 Tbs fennel seed
1 Tbs ground black pepper
2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
2 medium onions chopped
2 small dried chipotle peppers
5 large dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
3 cloves of garlic [chopped]
2 bottles bridgeport dark rain beer [black ipa]
1 cup chianti
2 Tbs black truffle oil

if needs be add enough water that chickpeas are 1 inch below the surface, it is fine if the peppers float.  cook on high for 10 - 12 hours.  you will probably need to add water after 8 hours.  if you are at home when you cook this, stir every 2 hours.  if not, skip that step.


phase 2

2 medium onions coarsely chopped
5 cloves of garlic chopped
1 cup red wine [something with more fruit:  merlot, pinot noir, garnacha]
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp konriko brand chipotle seasoning
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp cumin seeds


again, top off with water.  turn heat down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.




i really don't think she's going to make this
and i know she's going to add meat
but what she like was the thickness of the broth
and she's not going to get that unless
she lets it really cook down
but
whatever


you'll love this

this is not the story [maybe i'm a surrealist] {is that too obscure a joke, or do you get it}

there really was a pea soup restaurant.  i thought you made that up but it was true, literally.  probably lots of things are literally true and others are true, not literally.  i've been watching lost so i'm afraid you'll have to forgive me for running on this way.  or don't.  but i can't help it.  when i pull the story together from the scattered corners with my candle and feather it's all leaven.  the red wolf, the raven, even the thunderbird who hasn't made an appearance in a while, but i just keep coming back to fortune tellers.  can you tell a story that jumps around in time and space but keeps coming back to words?  the light in the attic, the cup of sugar, the flipflops.  how much sense will it all make?  probably you'll understand it, and that's all i ever really cared about.  and the fact that we live in a world that is largely imaginary is maybe good or maybe bad, or maybe both.  but the fact that you can live there with me is the reason.

i know that sounds like an unfinished sentence.

i'm like thumbelina, pocket-sized.  i am gulliver the giant from johnny swift or is that jonny quest i could swear you said jonny quest.  i'm always there, or never there, and that's just the way you maybe always wanted it to be.

 how i met your father?  well, when i was eleven or twelve i went to a fortune teller who said i would have a child who would be a scientist;  that i would get involved with his work and that would make me live longer.  but i think the gypsy was wrong.  i don't think you're the scientist, i think it's your daddy.  and i don't think 72 is the age i'm going to live to be, i think when he saw 72 it had to do with the names of god.  i could be wrong.  those psychic flashes tend to be metaphor.  your daddy, he knew me when he first saw me, but he was tripping balls, i think.  when he saw me again, he recognized me, but he didn't think i was all that and a bag of chips.  you can't see my fiery wings unless you're tripping.  anyway.  it took years and years and several wheels of good fresh cheese until he recognized me again.  

i love you my little mousseline

tonight's reading/story ideas

what would he like to read:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=832108&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=922721&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

romance or sex:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=446723&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=316669&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

muse or partner:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=284079&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=50746&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

setting:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=564765&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

any element he wants included:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=372743&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=62745&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=236450&Date=7%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

OK
i'll do my best

i want to write you something

but
i'm not sure

what

or if i can right now

i want to write about dancing with you in the moonlight
but
i don't think that's the right thing to write now

i want to write about the birth of my child
but
i don't think i have the ability yet

there are lots of things
i want to write
but

i'm not sure
what you want to read

i'm up late

i found a synagogue more or less local to me
that has a woman rabbi
but
it will be a pain to drive to
and
it's serious suburbs

whereas
there are a bunch near me
in fact
one is closer than the whole foods
but
that guy looks like a used car salesman in his picture
and they are meeting at the methodist church while they're building
and
i don't know

i just feel like i should try again

and the place i went before
they are all organized and web friendly
i could take their class and get my piece of paper, or whatever
so i could be legit
although
i guess it depends
on how legit you wanna get

i was trying to warm up to the idea of conservative
but i was listening to recordings on their website
and
their affiliate school was in the baseball finals
and the rabbi was saying
he supported the school not letting them play
because some things are just too important
[even though they knew that would be an issue
if they were good enough to get to the end
which apparently they didn't think they would be]

and
that's when i realized
i could never be conservative
because i was horrified


surely it's like a special mitzvah to play baseball
and anyway
how often do you make it to the finals
i mean they just forfeited the game
so they ruined it for their kids
but they ruined it for the other kids too
and reinforced
for everyone
that jews are bad sports

that's some crap
i want no part of that

i woke up several times in the night, which is not normal for me

i dreamed that two children were hit by a van
and i was trying to call 911
but i was in a strange place
and i didn't really know where i was
and the operator kept asking me questions
based on where i live
which was also kinda freaking me out
because how does he know

i also dreamed
i was in a, let's say, rite aid
[something like it anyway]
and you were there
and i was there
and she was there
and i was looking at makeup
and pretending not to know her
and she was walking around, threatening to leave
pretending not to know me

it was uncomfortable for me
it seemed mostly irritating for her
and
i'm not sure what you felt about it

the makeup i was looking at, if that has significance
was thick pencils with different colors in the same stick
to get like a blended thing
or color and liner in one kind of thing

i did not sleep well

i don't know what's up with the bad dreams

i had a very active night of dreaming

but
i don't remember much
pennies
apples
bathrooms

oh
and drinking with your friends
at a comedy workshop type thing
only
it doesn't seem like
i really liked your friends
all that much
which was
for me
kinda a bummer

i love you sweets

i'm going to bed now

i want you

i love you very much

have fun

i'm not as sure as last time
but
when i asked this morning
i get an excited response
like a puppy jumping up and down
which i found startling
and it said:

girlgirlgirlgirlgirl

so
i'm goin with girl

but
since i sorta think
it was the puppyfish
telling me
i'm not gonna go tell him

today makes the third time i've walked home

i really like
the bus ride
and
the walk

i'll talk more about the walk in another post

i'm getting freckles

i am getting a recurrent pain in the tendons
near my elbows
and i was concerned about it

so
just now
i added up
how much weight i lifted
putting extra strain on my elbows
and
if i just lifted each thing once
[which i didn't, some of them i lifted several times]

1200 pounds


my lower arms
i don't know if i like it

i walked home from work today

i haven't done it before now
because it has been like an oven outside
but
my car was acting up yesterday
so i rode the bus today
and
it was hot
but overcast because it was threatening rain

i thought about just taking the bus home
but the no walk way has a transfer

so anyway
i ended up walking all the way
then
i sang the rocky theme
i couldn't help it

it was tougher right from work
than a stroll to the whole foods on my day off
[even though that's further, well round trip is further]

but i was surprised
i saw like three condoms on the sidewalk
these are not back streets
they are major streets
heavily travelled pretty much 24/7

what gives

anyway
it started to try to rain
big drops, but just a few
and i'm all like:
really, god
you need it to rain right now
you couldn't maybe please just wait
and it stopped
until i was almost home
and i'm all like:
ten more minutes, pretty please
i really appreciate your waiting this long, i do

when i got home
about five minutes later
it just opened up and poured

cool huh

very confusing dream about babies and family in general

not sure i have time to write about it now

my aunt joan had kids
i don't think they were hers
maybe she adopted them

there was this girl
at some sort of reunion
rubbing my back
and i was trying to figure out who she was
she's grand master flash's kid

and the shower curtain bent
like a wet spaghetti noodle
and when we moved the large chair
away from the shower
underneath
was a magazine
from 1954

there was more

i love you, and i thought i felt you a little while ago

take good care of yourself
my sweetheart

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=784008&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=66562&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=248178&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=200158&Date=7%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i love you honey

so many things in my dream last night, jumblemania [updated]

i was walking through
the bookstore where i used to work
and the carpet
was soft clover ground cover
like grass
but you don't need to mow it
i was walking barefoot
and i thought:
this is a great great idea

i was living in a shack
or, maybe it was a small trailer
somewhere in the tundra
or maybe a small town near the tundra
there was something dreamlike
about the life within the dream
magic or ritual, tribal
and then i came out
and something was different
i'm not sure what

this part
this part i'm hesitant to tell you
i went to the bathroom
and
although i kept wiping and wiping
i could never get clean
even later
walking around
i kept sticking things down my pants
in a vain attempt at cleanness

there was something about an art show
booths moving around
i don't really remember it well enough

and there was more
a bunch more
that i can't remember

i want you like fire baby

i hope you had fun today
wish i coulda been there

i'm going to bed now

i'm not writing it
not right now
but
i'm
thinking of you

today's reading

what is he thinking about me today:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=433826&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he want to hear from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=805033&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

huh

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=765276&Date=7%2F1%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=celtic_cross

interesting
i'll give that some thought

tonight