a silly little piece about my hair

i've decided something
something that is fairly inconsequential
to everyone else in the world
but
kinda big for me

my hair used to be


that is a phrase you have heard from me

it used to be
this or that
and
my understanding of my beauty
was all tied up with my hair

that was what my father stressed
that is what got me attention from strangers
that was just objectively my thing


but
mostly
it was the color
and
even before i got all weird about
whatever else i've been weird about
i was worried that it was fading


and
what i've decided is this:

i don't care what color it used to be


it is a beautiful color now


i wouldn't want to change it


i wish i could spend some time in the sun
so the highlights would come out

but
otherwise

i'm good

i love you

wrestling the angel

i feel compelled to make clear
although i read the book
more than one book, actually
all those years ago
the conclusion:

[and
you must have seen this coming]

yeah, i'm not so much gonna do that stuff

i always wanted religion
in theory
because of my thing with god
but it just seemed all
external
pointless trouble

even now
this stuff i'm doing
it doesn't bring me closer to god
it brings me closer to you
which is silly
you don't do this stuff
it brings me closer to our children
who for some reason need the grounding
that i always wanted
and feel i was better off without

yet

i persist

the house on alabama street, anne bancroft, and talking to hot chicks about bugs

i fell asleep on the sofa about nine
woke up about three
went to bed
and slept about ten more hours

i feel, let's just say, not rested and refreshed

so, i don't know whether to attribute it to residual illness
or depleted adrenals from too much coffee
or depression creeping back in
or
all of the above

but
i had a lot of dreams
and i remember a fair amount

i had a very long conversation with anne bancroft
about judaism
my understanding of judaism
from my reading http://www.amazon.com/dp/0465086322/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3849421529&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=501558003326234742&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_35pvezhg3w_b
[earlier edition]
in high school
right up through to today
with my lack of connection to the cycle from tisha b'av
through yom kippur, rosh hashanah, sukkot
talking in depth about what i do connect to

and she said:
that's all very intellectual
do you know who connects to judaism in that way

but i don't know what she answered

the house on alabama street had been renovated
my mother was showing me
and she and my step-father had two beds
with this antique crib between them

are you expecting a baby, i asked
no, she said, it's just a decoration thing
i thought that was very strange

mommy
[she really only likes to be called mommy]
can i live here
i miss it so much
but, i don't know what she said

i walked around the house
there was a door on the side of the house
that was never there before
really
it was a different house
but of the same feeling, built in 1908-ish
the door opened up about three feet above the ground
had no stairs
they were clearing out brush from the long drive
talking about what the crack house apartments down the way had become

and then i found an elevated apartment
like a garage apartment
but it had never had a garage
it was small
covered in wisteria vines
and there was a girl in her mid-twenties there with me

i don't think it was her apartment
i think she worked from there
i was saying
i didn't mean to trespass
but i used to live here
you could hear happy little bug noises from outside
it would be crickets all night while you sleep
and it was dark and shadowed
even though it was day

like a member of the wedding the movie
i was thinking about that the other day
i was in chick-fil-a
and i saw a woman in thong sandals
and her feet reminded me of your feet
and i missed you intensely
and then i thought about the old nanny in member of the wedding, the book
telling frankie [f. jasmine] about seeing someone's thumb
having it remind her of her dead husband

i read that in high school

anyway, this girl was maybe not beautiful, but
she was cute-hot
she was hispanic
but she seemed to be morphing through
from cuban to puerto rican to maybe even filipino
and the morph was distracting me

and she said something about pulling the wings off fish
and i'm shocked:
you don't torture animals
do you
no no of course not

and i tell her about gigi
finding a slug in the house:
come here
watch this
pouring salt
it started to bubble and dissolve

make it stop

it's too late for that

how upsetting that was

so
am i turning into a southern writer
all of a sudden



i love you
i hope everything is beautiful where you are
i hope


someday

readings

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=1:6:13:34:61:2:74:17:30&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/bow.php?numbers=12:8:3:18:30:28:36&deck=gt/&maxNumber=6&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/relationship.php?numbers=9:61:38:77:33:78:51:46:21&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

i'm thinking about you with love

i've felt vaguely unsettled today

i don't know why
maybe
maybe you're unsettled
maybe
maybe i've got a lot on my mind
maybe
maybe i've had too much coffee

regardless
i love you

lightning

i got this card
and
the same card
in another deck
three times in a row today

this freaks me out slightly
because it generally means
bad stuff

but
the other cards i got
and
the answers to the questions i asked
don't seem to indicate bad at all


so, i'm not sure what to make of it
if you are inclined to think
that i'm saying something bad
don't think that

maybe
it's just
some form of rapid change
but that might be unpleasant

three times in a row


just take care of yourself
and
don't leave me

i know they're just cards

but
the last time i got the tower two times in a row
was in december


and  december
was some seriously bad shit
with my dad
and
what-not


i'm not fishing for reassurances

just don't die

i'm gonna tell you a secret

i thought
after that dream
that maybe you were
influencing the writing i was doing

because
it didn't sound like me, exactly

that it was silly
in a way
that you are silly

rather than
the way i am silly

maybe
i don't think of myself as silly

but
i can be silly

at any rate
i thought that you were in there
in my head

but
i was in the kitchen a few minutes ago
and i thought this:

maybe
maybe it is all me
maybe it isn't possible
for someone else to influence
someone else's dreams

but
then
i gotta say:

i like me

everything's going global

i dreamed
i was in college again
and, ya know, something weird
all these times i've dreamed about being in college
none of them have ever looked anything like
the place i actually went to college

you were coming to campus
everyone was flocking to see you
but
not me
i was writing you something
and, somehow, i knew you'd know

i was writing it on a board
of some kind
and the lines kind of undulated
and
i noticed that my letters
morphed a bit
so that
i think it was the     g  
some of them
looked like sperm
swimming across, or through the lines

and
as i was writing it
i was setting it to a melody
humming little bits
testing it out
as i wrote

and then
i was walking through
what contextually, for the landscape
i'd call a valley
but it was
closed in
not opened out
so the acoustics were great
and
all i can remember
is one line
which was repeated
in
like
a chorus

everything's going      glo - - - bal

i hope

that i didn't offend you
because
maybe
you never thought that at all
maybe
you never thought you'd just walk into my story
or
maybe
you figure you're already in my story
which
of course
you are


so
maybe
maybe i'm all with the mixin of the metaphors
and
you got no idea what i'm talking about
and
that's ok too

as long as you know

i love you
i want you
pragmatically, if possible

good night

beloved

trying to ask you questions

i want to ask you things
and, i do try
but, sometimes
i don't know whether your pointedly not answering me
is due to
not really getting what i'm needing to know
and
how much of it is:
jeez i have no clue
i just need you not to go away
whadda i gotta say to keep you from going away

and then
i don't want to ask again

i will not
allow myself to be
a nag
i hate nags

we are a storytelling people, you and me
and
i'm not using that as a euphemism for liars
i think it's a good thing
a true thing
a real thing

but
i want to make sure you realize
i'm thinking you're gonna write some of the story

do you understand what i'm saying?

i'm not making demands
and i know that that is cryptic as hell

but i need to make that clearer
because
i think you think
that one day you might just walk into my story
already in progress
seamlessly

and
not to be a buzz kill
but
that's not how my story goes

i love you

i have all these
questions
and
ideas
swimming around in my brain

some are good
and
some are
question-y

maybe
i'll be saying something later

now
i'm on my way to work
on my day off
by choice
because
there's something kinda wrong with me

but
just for an hour or so
and then
i've got a bunch of chores

grocery shopping
laundry
general stuff

have a beautiful day

i hope everything is good where you are

i love you very much

when i was growing up

i liked easter
i've always liked to eat eggs
and
who doesn't like chocolate bunnies
but
it wasn't just that

for some reason
it was like a cultural thing
to get
little white mary janes
and little white gloves
and a new dress

i think
the idea was for church
but
not even my fallen catholic mother
believed in going to church
in fact
she was
probably
the most against it
she said:
if you ever become catholic
i'll disown you

she was big on the disowning
not when i was little enough to talk her into a new dress
later
when she realized i was thinking for myself

and
don't get me wrong
i wanted the new dress
but
the thing i really really wanted
was the little white gloves

i couldn't tell you why
and
i always got chocolate on them
but
they were

great

i'm sorry if i upset or confused you

i was trying to
convey something
that possibly
you
wouldn't understand
or
that
possibly
isn't appropriate

i have
a lot
of feelings
around this
and
it's
uncomfortable for me

maybe it's just something i'm projecting onto you

maybe
maybe if i was actually having sex
it wouldn't bother you
and
it's likely
that you don't care
whether or not i'm faithful in my dreams

and
maybe you would love me
no matter what

maybe
maybe i just want you to care

maybe

some other stuff
i can't say out loud

night moves

maybe
maybe you've been at me again

i woke up
i was dreaming
but
the dream wasn't great
however
my physical state was
almost frenzied

i dreamed
i was so aroused
that i couldn't help myself
i was gonna sex up the one near by
in the dream
he looked like drogo

i lubed him up and mounted
but
as soon as i did
i felt guilt and remorse
so i stopped

i finished myself off
and then
as i was walking away

drogo said:
remember
if you get pregnant
by anyone else
he'll never love you again
some bells you just can't un-ring


shut up drogo

but
i don't think he's wrong

sunday

i wandered through the kitchen
making tea
imagining it's our kitchen
ghostly, you come up behind me
fold your arms around me, hold me
then
your hands roam up, cup my breasts
i lean into you
maybe
maybe i grind backwards, just a little
maybe you like that

i go to sit on the two section love seat
i bought a couch
i had mixed feeling about it
but
my hip's been bothering me
and
i haven't got anyplace comfortable to sit
which might be a metaphor for my life
without you
but
it's new
and i got it for ninety bucks
tax included
so
i got a couch

i sit
not yet reclining
and i type to you
i need you, baby
not so much because i need your sex
as because i need your touch
i'm still sick
and
i don't need screaming orgasms
i need you
so much in fact that i've been conjuring
you all day
i recline, i think of you

the couch is a color called oregano
which makes it green, i guess
but, really
it's more of a neutral
it matches
my green rug
my beige carpet, walls
i don't really want to buy a house
but
i find
i wish we had a place
that we could change to suit
someplace
not neutral

i watch a show
i'm alone, but i'm not alone
and
i'm reclining on the couch

then
i feel you
like an electric wave
flowing through me
crashing
ebbing
and
i don't touch myself
i let it all be you
pushing into me
running current along my skin
in ways
not corporeally possible, weight, gravity
but
definitely in the sea
there's weight there
and pressure
and it goes on and on and on and on
the wave
the wave i'm surfing
not trying to push it to a frantic conclusion
recalling the first marijuana orgasm, potent, diffuse

and i wonder
was this even it
or was this just you're anticipation of it

because
i went to sleep at nine o'clock
wet
and woke up
wet

love you, talk later

i'm thinking about you

i miss you
i love you very much

and

i need you, baby

i know
this probably means i'm crazy
but
i can't help it
i imagine you physically in my world

i don't know how much
what i imagine might resemble
what you'd actually do

but
my god
it's so real, somehow