i had the worst dream last night

there was a bunch of not bad stuff
but
the
bad was brutal

i was talking to this woman
she was an iridologist
and she looked into my eyes
intensely
and
she told me:

you have stomach cancer

now
it's not so much
that i believe in iridology
i don't know enough about it to know
but i'm inclined not to give it much credibility

but
it freaked me the fuck out

i woke up
and
i had a hard time going back to sleep

because
why would i tell myself that
if there was nothing
wrong with me

and
my mother's mother
when she finally went to the doctor
was full up with cancer
which
we're not sure
but
it probably started in her stomach

really really bad dream

trying to sort out dreams

but one thing is clear

something is up with dolphins

i'm not sure if it's the miami dolphins
or actual dolphins
but i'm going with miami
because
it was on hats
and there were other football teams too

i don't dream about football
generally

but i had that dream about three days ago
and all the dreams i've had have been confusing
and layered

last night
something about a baby
but it changed into
a hand held electronic device
with the grown up person talking to me
and a journey
and laundry
and showers
in roadhouses
where i stayed on the road
and these pills
that looked like little green berries
that you can buy at the eckerds
for cheap
and they perfectly replace milk thistle

so somethings tumbling and churning around in there

but maybe it's just
some of it
a sports prediction
but i was wearing more than one hat
and the dolphins were on top

boxes,cds, snow...and fire

last night's dream had a lot of elements
some of them really cool
some of them mildly upsetting
taken as a whole
i'm not sure what it means
and i was tempted
just to edit out
everything that wasn't overtly good
but it was all so weird
i figure it probably all means something

i was working someplace
and it kinda kept morphing during the dream
first, i think, it was some sort of retail shop
and we were always having to look through boxes
for things we needed
but
we didn't really need them
so
we were streamlining
and
in the process of doing that
we were automating systems online
so that gave us an excuse to be online
and this girl i knew well in the dream
who i don't actually know in real life
found this cd
by that musician
it was a project he did with a female musician
who in the dream is really famous
but who i've never heard of in real life
and the cd was being sold to raise funds for some project
and was really a good price
so we were excited about both ordering it


there was something i was trying to get to
and that kinda morphed too
now i was working in a coffee shop
and it was a movie i was trying to get to
i took the handset from the phone with me
so i could stay in touch
because i left early
i drove down a street by now familiar in my dreams
but which doesn't resemble anything from waking life
i felt guilty about leaving work
i got to the movie
i checked the phone
it wasn't working
i was sitting in the dark theater
about to watch this show
which was really important to me for some reason
but then i got this really strong sense
that something was wrong at work

i went back to work
only now it was a gallery space
there was a schizophrenic woman
or at least i thought in the dream that she was
who wouldn't come out of the restroom
because that was the only safe place
there were malevolent spirits:
kickers
everywhere else in the building
periodically
after much knocking
she'd stick her head out
declare it unsafe
and lock herself back in
after being back a few minutes
i realized she wasn't crazy
there was something going on
and the gallery emptied of people
got darker
i could see the dark energy
and i asked her:
are you sure it's still safe in there
and she came out
and then
i did this:
i assumed this pose
legs apart, knees bent
arms out to the sides
eyes closed
i entered the flow of the energy
but didn't let it enter me
i felt around for what was there with my mind
i sorta locked frequency with it
and screamed
but mentally
not audibly
on a frequency that would shatter it
when i opened my eyes
it was snowing

inside the gallery


that was the coolest bit
and this next bit
i'm not sure what to make of
i go from being this kinda powerful whatever
to
i have ten minutes to get back to the movie
only now it isn't a movie
it's that musician
the one i ordered the cd from
and he's doing this
what i guess i'd have to call a performance art piece
there are all these pieces of film (or something)
hanging on the wall
but maybe they aren't film
maybe they are something else
because i am expecting them to make music
or pictures
or something
and just pieces of film wouldn't do that
so i'm not sure this makes a lot of sense
someone at my table is talking to me
this musician apparently has a new cd
something that started as just like a
whatever you call a disc with just like four tracks
i can't think of what you call that now
but it, his concept, kept growing
and now
it was being released
and being considered
opus
i was looking at it
it seemed thick
but i'm not sure if it was two discs
or had a book with it
or what
and the cover
it looked different than anything he's ever done
it was solid
spanish white
or something
with a band of writing
and the only decorative element was the edge of the band
and he was talking
the musician
i mean
but i was having a hard time hearing
i was distracted by
him
and
the cd
and
the film or whatever it was on the wall
which suddenly burst into flames
which he didn't seem to notice
and i said:
is it supposed to be on fire
because i sorta thought it wasn't
and i couldn't stand for anything he had done
to be destroyed
and he looked at me
kinda disdainfully
and said:
well
i guess some people think i don't know what i'm doing

and it hurt me
it hurt me bad
and it embarrassed me
and it made me really angry
and i got up
and i stomped out
right past him
and i went to the balcony theater
because it isn't like i wasn't gonna watch it
i just wanted to be by myself

but the balcony was showing something else
because it wasn't a movie, of course
it was real live whatever it was supposed to be

so i had to suck it up
and stomp right back in
walking right past him

yeah that really showed him

what
exactly

warning graphic female content [yucky but cool]

ok
you remember how, a while back
my cycle went from 40 to 30 days
well, then it changed for a few months
it was 33 days
and i thought, well
that's just how it goes
i had a big burst of maca healing (or whatever)
and now i'm getting less effect
like with drugs
(whatever, don't take it personally)
but then i read some mumbo jumbo about how
you're supposed to be fertile at the same cycle of the moon
that it was when you were born
(actually i read linda goodman in the early 80s
so i guess, technically, i read the mumbo jumbo again)
but i looked it up anyway
and, if that's what it was doing
(time shifting)
and then going to a 28 day cycle
then happy happy blood time should start on the 16th

and guess what

so maybe i'm in sync with the universe
and all that cosmic jive

but, seriously
ovulating is awesome
when i didn't
the blood just built up and built up

ok warning, this is the really yucky stuff

so if i didn't change a super plus every 2 hours
it would seriously visibly run down my leg
like a gun shot victim
and i'd get these cramps
like some mixed martial arts kick to the pelvis
boom
all sudden-like
while trying to work and shit

now
it's seriously
like no big deal
and
i guess it isn't just the ovulating
because
they didn't stop sucking until a few months ago

so
we'll see
it might be a fluke
but
i'm super excited about being a girl right now

this is just jabber, but i'm feeling talky

so i went to see the switch
not because i really expected it to be good, exactly
really
i went to see it
because i want jason bateman to get more work
or rather
starring work
and it's not like i'm a jason bateman fan from way back or anything
but i watched arrested development a couple years ago
which i didn't innitially like
but it really grew on me

anyway

i actually think it was well crafted

in the first place
it was not really about the chick
which these chick flick movies usually are
it was about him
and it was
of course full of totally implausible shit
because
i mean, come on, it's a hollywood movie in the romantic comedy genre

but there was something kind of poetic

in the way he sort of found himself
or found his way out of himself, finally
or something

it's hard to explain

but it has to do with fatherhood
and being a man

and the fact that it's kind of poetic and hard to explain
i think
moves this film out of the ordinary

so
what i'm saying is
if you see it
let the formulaic crap just wash over you
just watch jason bateman and the kid (thomas robinson)

and
as a plus
it turns out
it's based on a short story
by jeffrey eugenides

this is just some random stuff

this isn't about dreams
this is just ramble
i think
and
maybe
that isn't too interesting
or maybe it is
i don't know
i guess
i thought it was

you know how
sometimes
when you diet or whatever
you have food cravings
well
mine are totally whack now
because i'm not craving things i used to eat
i am craving things like:

banana with onion

i looked that up
and all i got was pregnancy topics
and
unless we are talking
parthenogenesis
which would be really cool

so what's up with banana and onion

i mean they are both healthy and all but why together

and it sounds kinda revolting
and i didn't have any fresh bananas
but, when i looked, hard, i did have some banana chips
left over from a trail mix i made back in may
so i had a salad
with a whole onion
which is getting kinda common for me
and i had the banana chips for dessert
so not exactly together
but it was the first moment of non-onion-banana-y peace i've had

and, to be honest
it's kinda freaking me out

just now
i was in the laundry room
and i smelled mango
(olfactory hallucination)
and now
i could kill for mango
for my taste mango is a bit sweet
and i rarely eat it
i'm more of a papaya girl
and i have some papaya
and some watermelon
but i don't want those

i had a dandelion green salad
with a warm wild mushroom dressing
just a little while ago
and it was great
totally like i wanted that spinach salad to be years ago
only that warm bacon grease was yucky

i found some squash ravioli
and i haven't had pasta in forever
so i thought
for a treat
you know
cause my goal is to lose 30 pounds this month
and i've already lost 10
so i'm on target
but

it didn't even taste like food

i've crossed some line
and everything has changed

probably this is the last one for today, unless, thematically, i need to split it (which i might)

i dreamed i had tickets
had paid $100 for them
to see a show
an extravaganza, really
with that musician i really love-- you know the one
it was live performance
and video
and
i don't know what all
and i got there early
said "hi" to the singer
found my chair
then
realized i had forgotten my ticket
and
for some reason
i wasn't sure how to get to the dorms from the venue
so i asked lafleur
who, come to think of it, is also from louisiana
and sweet, but kinda right wing

and i ran
and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran
and
that wasn't where my dorm was
it was the med student dorm
so then i had to run around some more

the other night
i peddled around the city on my bicycle
i am waking up tired
i miss my car
where the hell is my car

anyway
by the time i found my ticket and got back
the entire show was over

i went back into the venue
now it was all banquets
and i sat and talked to the musicians
and then the guy himself sat next to me
and we talked
and i kind of accidentally on purpose
moved the side of my hand and wrist against his leg
his knee
but not in a sexy way, really
it was kind of spastic
but i couldn't help it
and he didn't realize i had missed the show
but i was kinda devastated about it
not to mention exhausted
and then i realized i had probably missed ACK-a-paloosa too
but he hadn't been there either
somebody had sung his song up all night
as a tribute
so he was sort of there in spirit
and i thought (but didn't say):
wow i didn't know you wrote that
when i first got mtv that was like one of three songs they played continually
he had just been interviewed by david letterman
we talked about that

then he went to be with his family
and i sat at a table
with goose neck lamps twisted around my head
and a waiter came and offered me a chocolate daiquiri
which sounded disgusting
but was the house specialty
so i said:
yeah okay
and then i talked to a guy
about a bar that has been in a bunch of my dreams, recently
discussing the landscape, as it were
and then
i'm uncomfortable
or something
and i go to the bathroom
and look in the mirror
one of the musicians i was talking to earlier
comes in
goes into the stall right behind me
visible in the mirror
and sits down
and i think:
i just wanted to get the image
of him
and his wife
and kids
standing in the mop sink
out of my head
i didn't need the image of you
taking a dump
to replace it

but i think there was more
that i can't remember
because
when i woke up
i don't remember it being
nearly
that
coherent

after i missed my final, in dreamland i got a final project to do instead, isn't that pretty weird

so
it seems
i'm either doing a multi-media project
or i'm writing a paper
which somehow involves telling a story
through multi-media
and i'm not really clear on which
maybe i can do either

i was in the library
everyone else seemed very clear
excited, even
and they seemed to be
working in groups

i was just wandering around the library
trying to decide if i had seen this library before
or if the city had changed again
my lucid dreaming moments
aren't always terribly effective
i think
that probably wasn't the salient factor

though i will say
there used to be
lots of high rises
elevators
such
and now
everything
seems to be
one story
sort of
mid-century modern
windowed

except
i did have a dream
where i had to jump
from flat surface to flat surface
from a pretty high height
to the ground
it was a war
or something
and i had a bag
with a head in it
i think it might have been the head of
joseph billy johnson
a guy i had german classes with
at first i thought he was an offensive idiot
but, somehow
he grew on me
he was from churchpoint louisiana
he was a very very happy guy
and he wanted to start a band
(probably because his best friend had one)
and he wanted me to sing
which never actually happened
but we wrote a few songs
and practiced some

so i don't know why i'm thinking about him
and i don't know why i was trying to
take his head to be reattached
but i do remember thinking
if i bumped it around a little
it wasn't a big deal

but other than that
(and don't get me wrong
i impressed myself with the jumping)
it's a pretty horizontal world

strange dreams, maybe because i'm reading valis

i've been reading valis
but only in the sauna
which is to say
for stints of less than an hour a pop
valis is making me love philip k. dick in a whole new way
but
it's also kinda blowing my mind

a few days ago
i had a dream which wasn't even vaguely about me
it was the seed of a story
but
it's not exactly a completely new concept
there was this, i'm not sure what to call it
person? thing? ???
it was very elbow-y
it's thing was
it could run current through every point in the universe at once
through all space and time
and it could sort of short circuit any one point
there was a name for this process
but i cannot now remember what it was
but it would leave a little card
you have been re-zapper-ized (or whatever)
and your whole life history would be changed
only
not your memory of it
so you'd have to just sort of figure it out as you went
that business you took years to build
gone
never happened
you've been re-zapper-ized
and
how the things were chosen
wasn't evil or malicious in any way
but
it wasn't random either
it just did what it was asked
i guess
maybe it had rules about not changing anything important
maybe it didn't
i didn't see that much
the instance of the guy loosing his business

his dog asked for that

i had this dream, i don't know what it means, there was so much stuff

i'm not exactly sure about the sequence
or whether that's important
it didn't hang together like a story
like they sometimes do
somebody was living in a school bus
with all the seats stripped out
but it was like double decker
or something
it had a fireplace
it was awesome
i'm not sure how that connects to anything else

i was living in these kind of attached home apartments
with communal green space
there were vegetable plants
planted too low
their depressions filled with water
but
too
there were some raised mounds
and i said (to you? maybe):
we could plant squash there
squash likes raised beds
and squash blossom is beautiful
and there was something about
our outdoor table and chairs
and mildly irritating neighbors

i was in college
and i had this english class
i didn't want to read the books
it was the end of term
it was snowing
everyone was headed out of town
i was headed somewhere
you
you were supposed to be somewhere
we talked briefly by phone
we each decided
we'd just be late
to wherever we were supposed to be
so we could spend a little while together
we met in a little coffee shop
i really liked this part of the dream
it was so simple and real
just a few stolen moments
in the warmth
watching people hurry through slushy streets
big picture window
on a small college town
i'm missing seventh period
oh, wow, my english final
whatever
i just skipped it
happily
there with you

then i was at some sort of trunk show
and i'm trying to sell purses
but then i'm categorizing light fixtures
by wattage
and cord length
and then
i'm wearing some sort of folk costume
it has a red wine shiny skirt
that sort of bells outward
thick like a shantung
but smooth
like a satin
and the top
is embroidered with flowers
black flowers
but then
suddenly
i think it's on backwards
and i turn the top around
and the flowers are green
and i'm wearing a dress
and i look good
and then my purses are selling
two years later
the colors i chose
are finally
no longer too avant

i feel like there was more
but i can't remember