the girl in the mirror has to be me, right
i mean that seems obvious
but she's horrifying
so does that mean
some sort of fear of aging, which, i mean, i have
and sort of suddenly, it feels like
all this mortality angst
and the childhood trauma reference
am i trying to analyse myself even while i sleep
how creepy and boring is that
and i am so over telling myself crap about childhood trauma
in any form
i have always been terrified of craziness
afraid of ending up in a mental hospital
so maybe that's what this is all about
fear that i'm really crazy
the baby thing
i could interpret different ways
i mean, what's the important part
i have always had cats
and, when my old cat died i wasn't going to get another one
but i ended up walking by the vet
and there was a cage of kittens in the window
and it's hard to resist them, if your a cat person
there were people there looking at the kitties
as i walked up to the cage
this little cat with enormous feet and ears
he ran up to me, like:
mommy mommy finally you're here
and that was an intense moment for me
it might sound silly
but i'd been more emotionally wrecked by the loss
of that cat than by anything human since i was a kid
he loved me, he would sit on my feet, and
he hadn't even started out as my cat
cats always choose you
it's one thing i like so much about cats, over dogs
a dog feels like a responsibility i would be taking on
something to walk and bathe and be responsible to
a cat claims you and you just have to work it out
and i have always kind of thought about kids that way
i never wanted to do what my parents did to me to anyone else
and when i went through my biological clock thing
around 30ish
the guy didn't want kids
but rather than just saying that
he added on: you are not emotionally mature enough to have kids
which was the one thing he could have said that, well, worked
because it played into my fears
and it redirected
don't leave him and go find someone to have children with
because you would just cripple and ruin any child
i never wanted that responsibility
but if i had ever just gotten pregnant
it would have been like a kitten
it would have just chosen me, somehow
and i would have made it work somehow
or maybe
it is really a part of myself
breaking free of something
and choosing me
and what would it mean
if i saw myself as the one who could love me best
if i knew it wouldn't be that easy
all the people who would think
i belonged to them, somehow
that my dreams are about them
so, see, maybe i'm a whole lot more screwed up
than i thought i was
maybe i've said: don't look at me
with my life
and never been my own cat
does that make any sense
anyway
it's bothering me
