this is part dream and part weird stuff going on with me

last night i dreamed about some sort of danger
and i try very hard to represent my dreams
as they actually occurred
even if i don't know what they mean
but this one was so all over the map
that i'm not sure how
i know i was trying to keep danger out
i had a baby
but there was some other family or faction or such
and they were cooking
and i was there briefly
i think it was french onion soup
with the cheese on top
but it seemed to have some magical power
and in the apartment with my baby
i tore down a wall and rebuilt it
i'm not sure why
but i needed help hanging the door
and i was hoping that the man i love would help me
just as soon as he got back
and all of this was confusing
but we were together
so i knew it would be ok
we could make a place that was safe

so break to my real life for a minute
also confusing, no doubt
so i'm slinging the tarot cards fast and furious
and i keep getting over and over with multiple decks
princess of swords
princess of swords can mean more than one thing
but it mostly means communications
so i am wondering what that means
now, to be honest, i would expect it to mean
due to the degree it is showing up
some big or important communique is coming my way
but, of course, what i'm actually doing is trying to read
a message into everything
where there is no reason to think there is one
and it's making me paranoid
i've also been drawing a strange combination of other cards
the super happy with the super unhappy
and i don't know how i'm supposed to read that
so okay back to the dream

there was another part where i am having my car repaired
and i get a claim ticket from the insurance company
but there is something weird about it
like i'm not going through channels somehow
but i get my check for two hundred and seventy seven dollars
and i start walking to the car repair place
and i walk under an underpass
and it is a river or bayou or something cemented
but it's all done up with fountains and pretty like a park
it reminds me of the riverwalk in san antonio, sort of
but it isn't really like that
it's it's own thing
like i'm trying to put templates together in my head
and coming up with something that doesn't really exist
which is maybe how i create the landscapes in my subconscious
so maybe what i'm doing with this
is what i've suspected myself of doing with other changes
to my dream landscape
i'm trying to internalize the city of the man i love
and i go to find the bathroom
and the area is like an amusement park
the trash area is littered with cotton candy
and popcorn boxes
and there are children playing everywhere
i'm not all that worried if i get my car that day or not
but there is more later about the car
and i might even have gotten a different car
i'm just not sure

there was another part where i'm selling bead necklaces
at a stall in a market that looks a little like pike's place
but it isn't enclosed like pike's place, it's more open
and my mother is there
and a guy walks up and hands me one hundred dollars
and it's a big stack because it includes a lot of small bills
he wants to buy this necklace for his woman
it costs ninety nine dollars
and i am so excited that he wants to buy it
and then she walks up
and wants to get another necklace
this one's more like sixty-five dollars
but she wants to put it on lay-away
so i take two fives and they are pretty old and torn up
like maybe they've been washed a few times

and lots of fives keep showing up in the cards too
like five of coins, poverty
like five of cups, sadness
like five of staves, strife
and i'm not saying they mean that in the readings
because i've just about decided that
the multitude of fives is all about the fives themselves
connected to the hierophant
there's something i need to be learning
which ties back to the communications of the princess of swords
or maybe it doesn't
maybe i need to learn how to do something
but also there is some important message for me

so i get the two fives and some of her information
but not everything i would normally get
and she takes the necklace
which she normally wouldn't with lay-away
and starts to dance away with it
and i'm just so happy that she is so happy with it
that i'm not even concerned
someone has loved something i made

and then i start to wake up
but i'm not quite awake
and i have this sense of being very close to
the man i love
and i try to do this visual meditation
with the letters of his first name
but i don't get any images at all
instead what i get is like mild electric current orgasm
with the first letter
and by the last letter
very specifically pressure on a certain spot
and i have had sexual response from thinking about him before
but not tied to his name in that way
i've been having a hard time getting visuals for a while, though
and i'm not sure what that means
i did a meditation yesterday
and i did get visuals, but they were like fire-y morphing pictograms
rather than being a scene of some sort
but i could really only identify two of them
one was a bouquet that morphed into a tree
the other was a spirit house building itself ground up

so my dreams are complicated and full of danger
and my awake mind is trying to figure out the message of
how my mission deals with the fear of the poverty and learning
new skills and figuring out how to get to where i need to be
to be safe with the man i love
that's what i dream about

not fantasies where i'm rescued
not fantasies where i'm a victim
maybe a little where i'm heroic and fighting
but mostly
i just dream about love
love is just kinda complicated for me