i mean i believe in over doing, but...

oh
by the way
the number was just
you know
to show
a variety
of possibilities
that was never
like a plan
or anything
i'm probably not crazy

this is just random

i can't remember my dreams
just tiny fragments here and there
some are a bit disturbing
and some are a bit encouraging
but they don't paint a picture
of anything i can see to tell you
and i always worry that i'll seem to be saying
something bad, so i hesitate to try
to piece together the bits

the thing that has been bugging me a bit
though it's probably nothing
i didn't choose that hat or that headband
those were randomly selected by the computer
and even though i made a bunch more pictures
they never came up again
i can't stop looking at them
i can't decide why i think they are such an intense experience
it was really just something i did for pure curiosity

maybe that isn't quite true, maybe not just for curiosity

this is part dream and part weird stuff going on with me

last night i dreamed about some sort of danger
and i try very hard to represent my dreams
as they actually occurred
even if i don't know what they mean
but this one was so all over the map
that i'm not sure how
i know i was trying to keep danger out
i had a baby
but there was some other family or faction or such
and they were cooking
and i was there briefly
i think it was french onion soup
with the cheese on top
but it seemed to have some magical power
and in the apartment with my baby
i tore down a wall and rebuilt it
i'm not sure why
but i needed help hanging the door
and i was hoping that the man i love would help me
just as soon as he got back
and all of this was confusing
but we were together
so i knew it would be ok
we could make a place that was safe

so break to my real life for a minute
also confusing, no doubt
so i'm slinging the tarot cards fast and furious
and i keep getting over and over with multiple decks
princess of swords
princess of swords can mean more than one thing
but it mostly means communications
so i am wondering what that means
now, to be honest, i would expect it to mean
due to the degree it is showing up
some big or important communique is coming my way
but, of course, what i'm actually doing is trying to read
a message into everything
where there is no reason to think there is one
and it's making me paranoid
i've also been drawing a strange combination of other cards
the super happy with the super unhappy
and i don't know how i'm supposed to read that
so okay back to the dream

there was another part where i am having my car repaired
and i get a claim ticket from the insurance company
but there is something weird about it
like i'm not going through channels somehow
but i get my check for two hundred and seventy seven dollars
and i start walking to the car repair place
and i walk under an underpass
and it is a river or bayou or something cemented
but it's all done up with fountains and pretty like a park
it reminds me of the riverwalk in san antonio, sort of
but it isn't really like that
it's it's own thing
like i'm trying to put templates together in my head
and coming up with something that doesn't really exist
which is maybe how i create the landscapes in my subconscious
so maybe what i'm doing with this
is what i've suspected myself of doing with other changes
to my dream landscape
i'm trying to internalize the city of the man i love
and i go to find the bathroom
and the area is like an amusement park
the trash area is littered with cotton candy
and popcorn boxes
and there are children playing everywhere
i'm not all that worried if i get my car that day or not
but there is more later about the car
and i might even have gotten a different car
i'm just not sure

there was another part where i'm selling bead necklaces
at a stall in a market that looks a little like pike's place
but it isn't enclosed like pike's place, it's more open
and my mother is there
and a guy walks up and hands me one hundred dollars
and it's a big stack because it includes a lot of small bills
he wants to buy this necklace for his woman
it costs ninety nine dollars
and i am so excited that he wants to buy it
and then she walks up
and wants to get another necklace
this one's more like sixty-five dollars
but she wants to put it on lay-away
so i take two fives and they are pretty old and torn up
like maybe they've been washed a few times

and lots of fives keep showing up in the cards too
like five of coins, poverty
like five of cups, sadness
like five of staves, strife
and i'm not saying they mean that in the readings
because i've just about decided that
the multitude of fives is all about the fives themselves
connected to the hierophant
there's something i need to be learning
which ties back to the communications of the princess of swords
or maybe it doesn't
maybe i need to learn how to do something
but also there is some important message for me

so i get the two fives and some of her information
but not everything i would normally get
and she takes the necklace
which she normally wouldn't with lay-away
and starts to dance away with it
and i'm just so happy that she is so happy with it
that i'm not even concerned
someone has loved something i made

and then i start to wake up
but i'm not quite awake
and i have this sense of being very close to
the man i love
and i try to do this visual meditation
with the letters of his first name
but i don't get any images at all
instead what i get is like mild electric current orgasm
with the first letter
and by the last letter
very specifically pressure on a certain spot
and i have had sexual response from thinking about him before
but not tied to his name in that way
i've been having a hard time getting visuals for a while, though
and i'm not sure what that means
i did a meditation yesterday
and i did get visuals, but they were like fire-y morphing pictograms
rather than being a scene of some sort
but i could really only identify two of them
one was a bouquet that morphed into a tree
the other was a spirit house building itself ground up

so my dreams are complicated and full of danger
and my awake mind is trying to figure out the message of
how my mission deals with the fear of the poverty and learning
new skills and figuring out how to get to where i need to be
to be safe with the man i love
that's what i dream about

not fantasies where i'm rescued
not fantasies where i'm a victim
maybe a little where i'm heroic and fighting
but mostly
i just dream about love
love is just kinda complicated for me

i dreamed about a room

there was more to the dream than just the room
i know i went down to the pool at least once
but i don't remember any of that very clearly
what i'm sure of:
i was in the room that was mostly mine
when i lived at my grandmother's
i remember the bracket shelves along the wall
with the books and my teddy bears
i remember the strange bed thing
i really think it was supposed to be a bed
but it seemed more like some sort of sectional
i remember how dark that room always seemed to me
and how the ladder for the attic pulled out of the ceiling
i remember how i always got this painful crusty scabbing
on the outside of my ears, i still don't know why
and the medicine that came in the white and red jar
where you pushed down the top and it dispensed a dose
i remember how musty the room always smelled
especially the closet
i used to hide in that closet
i'm not sure why i felt like i needed to hide
or why there

that room was also, in this dream
the room you grew up in
which i'm sure was much nicer in reality
but it was your childhood bedroom for part of the dream
and i was so excited that i was getting to see it
but i'm not sure what exactly the context was
only, in that part of the dream, it seemed like
maybe there were two closets instead of just one
and my bathing suit was in the hiding closet
as were a few other things
so i went to get my suit

and you said
and i heard this echo around in my head
like i've heard a few other things
that makes them seem a little supernatural
rather than just something that i dreamed
which even then i think means something
so i heard you in this magnified way
and what you said:

i'm not taking anything out of that closet

but it wasn't like a nightmare
i'm not crying hysterically
i didn't take it to be a rejection of me
at least not at the time
i wasn't in the closet
and the closet did stink

i wish i could remember the part where i was at the pool
i know it wasn't a pool i went to as a kid
there was something about the membership
it wasn't expensive
but you had to show them...something
i just can't remember what

i was sleeping in this camper and the dog kept licking my face

last night's dream

i know the dream took place in a mall of some sort
but the levels were confusing and maze-like
i was working at the coffee shop
and j. was there again
everything seemed fine, busy
there were televisions blaring a little too loudly
and the subject matter was somehow inappropriate
someone from the mall offices came and complained
but the man i love was there
i don't know if he was talking to me at all
but he was around and that made me happy
it was near closing time
and i was wrapping up these sandwiches
they were, i want to say, fish sandwiches of some sort
and i was wrapping them in pastry bags
and wax paper
but i know there had been a debate about it
whether saran wrap was better

and then, before he left
because, like i said it was closing time
and i had a bunch of work to do
he came over and gave me that kiss
and it was so beautiful in the dream
it was so natural
so like we had been together for a long time

i've dreamed other kisses
i've imagined still others
but this one was so not like something i'd imagine
because it was not a new kiss
not a fist kiss
it was like
nothing else i've dreamed
i could feel the skin of his lips
brushing across the skin of my lips
in direct contrast to the other night
when our skin never touched at all
that's why i'll never forget it
it was so real
but so, i don't know, so everyday, maybe

then he walked away
but then i saw him
wrapping these things around his legs, just below the knee
they had this sort of tribal warrior look to them
and they had eggs hanging off
i don't know what any of this means
i took it as all being good
but maybe that's just because the kiss was so beautiful

i just thought how much i love him and continued with my work
which, at that moment was wrapping up the sandwiches
but then
after it seemed like everyone had left
i realized that i didn't have the alarm codes
so i'm freaking out
j. opened so she's got the codes

and i'm not sure of the sequencing of these next parts
i was trying and trying to remember
because i thought it might be really important, somehow
but i was talking to people
and i think the man i love was one of them
and while i was talking to them
i was cleaning the walls
it seemed very important
they had something on them
something like honey or syrup or something
sticky
and the other thing
that i can't remember the order of
i was trying to use my laptop
and it kept crumpling in on itself
like it was made of elastic
the computer worked just fine
but i couldn't see the screen
and i couldn't touch the keys
and it was freaking me out

so i was trying to close up
and i couldn't reach j.
so i went out to look for somebody
and the doors were like a giant version
of safe doors
except they were shaped like a stop sign
and i couldn't find my way around
i kept walking through hallways that sloped up or down
then i came to a black guy who worked for or in the mall, somehow
he gave me directions
and he told me that the coffee shop was in a part of the mall
where people were not allowed to roam when the mall was closed
but i got turned around
and i ended up outside
and i didn't want to shut the door all the way
because i was afraid it would lock behind me
and i thought i was going right back in as soon as i figured out
what i was doing
and i started to walk
and everything was huge
and it all went straight up
but i seemed to cover the ground pretty quickly
i stopped and asked for directions
and the guy i asked
pointed me in exactly the opposite direction
and then i wasn't sure what to do
and then i woke up

i'm trying to remember & figure out what last night's dream meant, but the one thing i'll never forget

the man i love walked up to me
sort of nonchalant
and
as though he did it all the time
he just barely brushed his lips across mine
a whisper of a kiss
fluid

when i read the cards

when i got the postcard
from the edge
then i knew
time
time
time
but not what time
who what when where
time

i changed my timing belt
in the car
but it wasn't so much a matter of if
it needed to be replaced
but when
when it was fixed
the engine would run smoothly
things would be okay
but until it was fixed
i was worried i'd be stranded
someplace scary
alone

not a good dream, understand
not the kind you wake up good from
maybe not ever

i think they were interesting, but i forget what they were

i'm gonna try to describe last night's dream but it was strange and like uber-symbolic in a confusing way, there was a LOT of HAIR

i flew to, i think, england
and i stopped at some slightly swanky hotel
and i was going to some show which didn't turn out to be a show at all
i got there, and it wasn't a bar
it was like a house party, except
it was really just a party at someone's house that i sort of crashed
there were all these young guys who were in bands, german bands
and i don't even think it was one band, they just all knew each other
and the man i love
him i almost didn't recognize
he had long hair and long beard and long mustache
he looked like one of those guru-spiritual-leader-type guys from the 70s
and he came up to me and kissed me
but there was so much hair that our lips didn't even touch
it was weird
and it didn't draw any attention at all
it was like he kissed everybody and it was just a sign that, like
it was ok for me to be there
there was music, there was food, there was beer
and i wasn't sure it was okay for me to have anything
because it didn't seem right, since i was party crashing
and people just did what they did and moved around and played guitar
but he and i didn't say a word
we just looked at each other across the room, across these young guys, whatever
and i fell asleep in the chair, it was a comfortable chair
and the next morning i woke up and it wasn't weird at all
i went into the kitchen with this guy whose house it was
and we were talking and i started to do the dishes and we kept talking
it was all very intimate and there was a way in which it seemed like this man
was also the man i love like he was contained somehow in all these people
we were talking so comfortably and i was pulling out clothes from my bag to wash
and i looked over
he was standing naked in the kitchen
i was startled
because even though he was sort of the man i loved he was also sort of not
and anyway, there hadn't been anything to suggest nakedness
in the kitchen
in the morning
but it was not frightening, just unexpected
there was so much hair
like a bush from just above the hips to almost the knees
but it was beautiful somehow
the tightly curling hair
i couldn't take my eyes off of it
and then his wife came in and he introduced us
and she looked like an oklahoma sunflower
like this girl i used to know and wanted in the kind of way
that makes you never want to fuck them (purely and she was seventeen)
so maybe it was that
or maybe i was the name she had that name
and i gathered up my clothes and went to wash them
but i wasn't upset
it wasn't sexual or non-sexual it was naked and beautiful
and then i went outside
i hadn't realized before, but it was an earth sheltered building
it was dry and the dirt was loose and it had the feeling of a compound, somehow
and the man i loved was there, outside
bearded and long haired again like the night before
with the young men gathered around him
i went up to talk to him
but i can't remember what he said
and i thought: i could stay here, i don't need to go back to the hotel
and that's all i can remember

i had a nightmare last night which included george w. so i just wanna point out that a bush hat has nothing to do with him

what does it mean when you dream a klezmer band is playing and it starts to snow?

a lot happened in this dream
it all seemed to be connected
but once i woke up, and am trying to describe it
it's hard for me to describe as the seamless narrative i experienced
as it started
i was a nanny or an au pair
for a very small child, a toddler, who i was quite attached to
i had gone to some group or party or something
and i had written about it
all the women who were there
describing them and their traits and motivations
and what they thought of one another
others had written about it as well
maybe that was the idea: go and write about it
i don't know
but i looked at something like a newspaper or journal, but maybe it was online
and it was talking about what i had written
it was brilliant in it's multiculturalism
or something like that
and i just kept looking at it and reading it and yelling
i was so amazed and excited that i had been noticed for this piece of writing
and i think i was telling the kid about it
i was so happy, so happy, so happy

then some stuff happened that i can't remember

then it was maybe a few years later
and the reason i think it was a few years later
was that the little girl who had been the toddler was there
i was so happy to see her
i didn't know if she would remember me
but she did
i was so happy, really, i loved that kid
and i was at what i'm guessing was a party
it was outside, in a fenced in area, really a large area
the man i love was there
he was wearing this hat, i don't know what to call it
it had a wide brim and it was cloth, sort of a bush hat, but the brim
flopped down on the sides
which was, for some reason, so endearing to me
and he had a kid in one arm, like: whatever, we're working here
and i had to just stop and watch him for a few minutes
then i was talking to a woman
a really really tall man came up to me
and started asking me questions about muffins
our muffins were really good but they were quartered
i had no idea what he meant by that
he seemed really surprised
quartered was apparently an industry standard term of some sort
we have them made for us, i was saying, still trying to get his meaning
apparently he wanted to put in an order
apparently i had a cafe or something where they were popular
but he thought they were too small
he wanted those enormous sized muffins
i looked at the woman next to me
who, i guess worked at the cafe, and she nodded
and i said: i think we can make that happen
and then i looked around the place
and somehow
everything just seemed really right
it's strange how i don't know what was happening
usually in a dream i do know
but this was like i had the emotions, i was there, but i have no idea
where i was, or why i was there, or even if the man i love and i had
any connection to each other there and then
i just know that it all felt really natural
and good
and right
and it felt like a party
it felt like a party i belonged to
and i'm not sure if the klezmer band was actually there
or if it was video
or maybe it was both at different times
i'm not sure
but they were starting to play
up on the outdoor stage
and just as they started
it started
gently
to snow