i'm not much of a morning person

I tend to wander around
in a fog
for quite a while
but
I wish
today
I could stay in bed with you
drinking coffee
listening to music
or something
easing into the day


I love you sweetheart

i wish

you and I
were
somewhere cozy
under covers, maybe
somewhere with a chill in the air


I'm not even thinking
particularly
about
ya know
but
about
nearness
and
touching
and full body hugs

very strange things

last night
it was like I was being abducted by space aliens
I was trying to research fermented skin care
so I was watching YouTube
and
I kept nodding off I guess
but
I didn't have any awareness
of the nodding off
just
losing time
I'd be watching a vid on serums
and I have the AutoPlay enabled
so I'd wake up to eye creams
but not realized I'd been asleep
it was very disorienting


then I dreamed
this giant map
that had many small salient facts
from the life of my grand parents
with some heritage society type
explaining it all to me


and then
I dreamed about the freeway
I haven't dreamed about the freeway
for idk how long
there was a new on ramp
which was going to make
everything better
but
as I reached the top
I wasn't sure
whether to go left or right
and it was so high up
I clung to the freeway
feeling like i might fall away
to the left
there was a multi car pile-up
to the right
it stretched out
forever
without any exit in sight
and
I panicked
that is not
an experience
I usually have on the freeway

i had forgotten, but i remembered

last night
or this morning more likely
i dreamed
i was working for starbucks
and they were redoing all the stores
to look like mid-century modern ski chalets
with wooded outdoor seating in the back
and the one i was at
we were doing up the back
with christmas trees
and fake snow
that was kinda like fluffy glitter
and
we made a snow road
up the middle
and someone
was riding a motorcycle
down the middle of the glittery snow road
why
i don't know


i sleep late
i stay up late
i can't seem to help myself
i really wanna be a night person
headache all day
plus
thinkin about the hurricanes
global warming doesn't cause them
but it does make them worse
so
hurricanes
and forest fires
and earthquakes
and asteroids
it's a good thing i am not the type to obsess about disaster

goodnight sweetheart
or
probably
good morning when you read this
i gotta go sleep fast
gotta be up in four hours

goodnight sweetheart

I fell asleep
kinda slumped over in my chair
gotta go to bed

i don't think you have access to bluebell ice cream

however
if you are ever anywhere
where they do sell it
banana pudding
is really really good


I did not have high hopes
but
I was curious
I don't like fake banana flavour
as a rule
and
I don't know if it was just fresh bananas
or what
but
yum

goodnight sweetheart

I'm going to bed
I love you

i worked yesterday

changing prices
for the new promo set
so I'm off today
but I stayed up super late
and then had no particular reason
to get up
with headache
and
my whole body still aches
I assume from the stress
and immobility
of the whole crisis
and then
I went back
and didn't stretch first
and had really bad
muscle cramping
for two days
I was doing a lot of bending
and toting
for the promo change
which Sunday got me over
but
still ache
seemed like I almost
couldn't move
yesterday
I woke up
and said
wow, I don't want to jinx it
but
I almost feel good
because
I could stretch
wasn't rigid


but
today
I was lying in the bed
with the fan blowing on me
and it was so comfortable
I said
what do I really need to get up for 

hurricanes wander

i was going to start with hurricane rita
but
that doesn't zoom out far enough

hurricanes
are major weather events
not unlike tornadoes
but the time scope is different

the secret is
that it is different
but
maybe not as different as it should be
more on that, later

if you live in the third coast area
you know about hurricanes
from a little kid
every year
you get the tracking charts
which are probably just on computer now
but when i was a kid
they were on the paper grocery bags
ya buyin food?
you have the hurricane scorecard

because these things happen all the time
in hurricane season
and ya gotta watch em
but ya can't get too stressed about em
because they usually don't happen

so
you're tracking
danger is immanent
again and again
until you learn
back brain awareness
front brain nonchalance

i have hurricane supplies
i check and update at the beginning of hurricane season
so
then all i need is water
and i have containers i can fill
i might go to the store to pick something up
but i don't ever really really need to
understand?!
i am prepared

now
i'm not prepared to evacuate
more on that, later


so
the hurricane wanders
you don't know where they are going to go
you have predicted pathways
but
that doesn't mean shit

the rule is that you evaculate if it's comin right at ya
but
that doesn't even always mean shit
because why
because hurricanes wander
for example, rita
it was supposed to be comin right at us
and they called for an evacuation
because they were gunshy from katrina
we are like seventy miles from the coast
it's never comin right at us

that's the major reason i never moved to galveston
those people get wiped off the map
well, not galveston
they learned from the 1900 storm and built up
but
a little town without a giant seawall
they get wiped off the map

by the time a hurricane has traveled seventy miles
over land
it's calmed down a little
they'll be damage
but
it's more like rippin your roof off
that razing the house

but
i was talkin about rita
i couldn't evaculate
i had to work late getting everyone else out
and besides i didn't have a place to go
and blah blah
i never really considered it
(see above)
so i parked my car several floors up
in the evacuation abandoned
covered parking garage
across the street
from my apartment
which had an underground parking lot
i taped the windows
i tried to keep in touch with all my people

they got in their cars
they tried to leave
they all got stranded on the highway
out of gas
sitting out
exposed
unsafe
more than a hundred deaths
from the evacuation

the hurricane
it wandered
it veered off and hit port arthur
who wasn't expecting it
and many people suffered

for me
nothing much happened
for all my people who tried to evacuate
a nightmare of semi-epic proportions


hurricane harvey
he was a little bit of unstable tropical depression
he went over the yucatan peninsula
losing form
then
he entered the gulf
reforming
after a little while
he was a full-fledged tropical storm
and they weren't sure if he was going to be
anything more than that
but then
he powered up
that was when i got a little concerned
it was too fast

every time you checked
they had some new
totally wack scenario for where he was headed
because
say it with me
hurricanes wander

so
when he finally hit land
it was rockport almost 200 miles away
and then it traveled north
the hurricane never hit us
we were on the dirty side of the storm
and it was a big storm
and it barely moved
so the bands just kept pulling up moisture from the gulf
and dumping rain

it was downgraded to a tropical storm
and it wandered
we got a lot of rain

it was scary
it was dangerous
it was like alison on steroids
for days

i've had a couple moments

in dreams
that I thought were you


I had
a couple days ago
this very involved dream
and then
like inserted in
there was this Mexican street scene
I was watching from the balcony
and
this horse walked up to me
he was walking on the street
but
his head and neck
just came over the railing
and not like he was giant
just
some sort of dream physics
and then
as he was walking away
obviously
it was people in a horse suit


the other
was last night
it was two little girls
with this dainty
cupcake
with candy on top
sitting across the table from one another
but
like
at a coffee height table
and
what the one
was saying
to the other
was
I adore you

i'm listening to the superintendent of schools

and again
i'm being impressed
it turns out he comes from san francisco
@hisd_supe
they are going to the shelters
making plans to get those kids to their regular schools
so they will be in a known environment
ok time for school
they are planning for programs
and counselors
for students
and teachers

i don't have a kid
i'm not usually paying attention to stuff like
superintendent of schools
but he's fairly new

i feel
something i don't usually feel

i feel like competent people are running stuff
like
they got this
and it's all gonna be ok

now
maybe not
but
that's how i feel

i am wondering if i need to go into the evacuation explanation

there seem to be a lot of people from other places
who are voicing
wtf is wrong with these people
why didn't they just bug out


i don't really want to explain it
but
if you don't understand
if you are thinking that the mayor
with whom i am incredibly impressed
if you're thinking he did wrong
to tell us not to evacuate

then i will explain it

oh
and speaking of mayors
our last mayor was an excellent public servant
she was in the gpc (gay political caucus)
{cause it used to be the one letter}
when i was i college
and i was impressed with her then

why is ann c. such a cunt
every time i have any awareness of her
that's all i can think
my god that woman is such a cunt

i didn't actually get to see the sun

but
i did see light
and a blue sky
and tonight
cicadas

you've no idea

no work again tomorrow
and metro is still shut down

but
my legs are not lookin so good
from all the lack of movement
and
perhaps i've been eating more salt as well
but i've been sleeping erratically
and
probably missing doses
but whatever
i'm a little worse for wear

so
tomorrow
i'm going for a walk
i'm not sure how far i'm going
it feels a little weird to go outside

i'm not going to the grocery store
at least i don't think i am
i think that's too crazy still
i was planning to walk to the convenience store
i'm low on half and half for coffee
which they will not have
that's really the only supply i'm low on
but they might have milk, which will work fine
plus
they might have donuts
or cheetos
i'm craving those pretty hard

that's not much of a walk

so i'm trying to think what else to do
i could survey the neighborhood for damage
i could look for and open coffee shop
i don't want to drive anywhere

i'm not going to a shelter to volunteer
i kind of want to
but
i'm not going to
i'm going to focus on getting back to normal

thursday
i told dennis i'd work 10a-4p
and i told my mother i'd go to dinner with her

i think the rain has stopped

i'm going to sleep
i feel more confident that i'm safe
than i have
at any point

no
it's still raining
just lightly

5"-10" more tomorrow
or, really
today

it's tuesday, right?

fuck
thunder, harder rain

whatever
still going to sleep

they're closing some of the refineries

you might want to
fill up all your cars
gas prices may rise
maybe it'll just be local
but I doubt it
20% rise
it just said on the news

i've been up a little while

my work is closed again tomorrow
which is good
turns out they didn't open saturday
i didn't need to feel guilty all day

it's constant rain
but
not hard
i think for me the worst is over

people who live by the trinity or brazos river
however
are being evacuated
as they are expected to rise to the 800 year flood level
and the safeties are only for the 100 year flood level
buffalo bayou has receded a little
and they are releasing from barker and addicks reservoirs
gradually
but with all that and drainage from the north and west
they expect buffalo bayou to rise eleven more feet
if i understood correctly
beyond the five feet over the 100 year flood level

so i guess
flooding is still a possibility

they are evacuating the subdivisions around those reservoirs
kinda a mess

my mom's power is back on
stillno water in her house
and brays is draining nicely
the boat evacuations near her have stopped
for the time being
because it's not deep enough for boats
but still too high for cars

i wish i'd bought junk food
i want chips
i want brownies
i want popcorn
i don't want healthy shit
well
i want that
and a big fucking bag of weed

anyway
i had toast
and coffee

i'm barely certain what day it is anymore
has it really only been a couple days?!

my phone alarm just told me
flash flood extended til 7pm
they've just been extending it since friday

several of my friends on social media have posted this
i've never seen it before
i'm not sure about the praying for part
which is sort of integral to the poem
but it captures something
very houstonian
which you might or might not appreciate
but i did
so
i'm sharing it:

• Houston pride - forever. by Jeremy Rutledge:
  if you want
  to pray for Houston
  you have to pray...
  in her way
  

  pray like Beyoncé
  when she was
  at HSPVA
  or Billy and Dusty
  shooting pool
  at Rudyard's
  pray like you're
  sitting over soup
  at Spanish Flowers
  or pho at Mai's
  steaming your glasses
  pray like the kids
  playing soccer
  on the east side
  or mutton busting
  at the livestock show
  pray like the runners
  in Memorial Park
  lacing them up
  or the researchers
  in the medical center
  looking into microscopes
  if you want
  to pray for Houston
  you have to pray
  as quietly as
  the Rothko Chapel
  or Houston Zen Center
  and you have to pray
  as loudly as
  the old scoreboard
  at the Astrodome
  after a José Cruz
  home run
  you have to pray
  sitting under
  a live oak tree
  or standing next to
  an azalea bloom
  while your skin
  clams in the heat
  if you want to pray
  for Houston
  you have to pray
  without pretense
  this ain't Dallas
  and in a neighborly way
  as friends come out
  to check on each other
  in the rain
  and those
  who are far away
  watch screens
  and wipe our eyes
  if you want to pray
  for Houston
  raise a bottle of Shiner
  to the gray sky
  9 trillion gallons of rain
  are no match
  for a city of such life
  and diversity
  you can fill up our bayou
  but you will never rain
  on our parade

ok, intermittant rain

no flooding
street has drained off
everything seems to be ok
they are predicting rain all day
but not super hard rain
hopefully everything is ok
I need to sleep


my head hurts so bad
I am exhausted
and
like worn out


when I was asleep before
I dreamed about
this Christmas blanket

ok, i'm up

there was more rain
i should have gotten up earlier
the street is flooded again

but
the army corp of engineers
has to release 4400 cubic feet of water
from the addicks and barker reservoirs
into buffalo bayou
to release pressure
so
they don't
ya know, like
burst

that's about 33,000 gallons

i looked it up

my street is full
but not like up to my door

33,000 gallons
it's a lot
but
like for perspective
it's less volume than the tank at aquarium

and i don't know if it will be evenly distributed or not
probably not
but
if it all comes out at voss and san felipe
where the bayou is crested a few blocks from me
i don't believe that will be more water than i can deal with

now
if that happens
and
we get more heavy rain
i might flood
which would be bad
but
not life threatening

so
i guess
still safe
although
i don't feel as positive as i probably should

a large influx of dry air
seems to be slowing the rain
I'm gonna take a nap
so I can be up later
when it might rain harder

well, it's good that my mom isn't watching the news

that bayou a few blocks from me
has made news
roughly equivalent to what i saw earlier
near my mom

it's overflowed
people's houses are flooded

it's so close

it's draining off
but
slow

they've been saying all day
if you have a boat
get out and rescue people
if you don't
stay put

if the water is rising in your house
don't stay in the attic
get on the roof

it's gonna be a long couple days