oh, i forgot

there was also a thing
where one of the supervisors
said something stupid
and I must have given him a look
and he said you're high
I am not, I said, and i resent the implication


also
someone was saying something
but i can't remember what
but
it had to do with my glasses
well, I said, really
[and this is true]
I wear high index glasses
if I didn't, they would be thick
coke bottle glasses
you wouldn't be able to see my eyes at all
and maybe they would even look weird
like magnified or something
[my grandmother had glasses like that
after her cataracts] magnifying


also there was a previous section
about skin care
some potion
and it was a big thing
but I just can't remember


also
something about
streamlining debt
taking your card in
to the bank
and having them do something
that made what you owed
cleaner
and clearer
and less
somehow


it was a big fad
everybody was doin it

i just had this long involved dream

work was taken over
by a group of supervisors
and they
asked you questions
and critiqued everything you did
but then
where we were seemed to be different
it was this enormous cavernous room
and you could walk
because there were so many rippling bumps on the floor
I asked about them
they didn't know
so I investigated
it was a, really a lot
of very thin area rugs
oh, I see, so it's just laziness
I said
and untangled them all and lay them flat
there was no business
you should separate
some of the back area into private rooms
charge people to
hang out and play video games
they'll drink the coffee anyway
yeah they said that's expensive
well, I say
we can write you exclusive video games
they will come specifically to play
[I do not know anything about programming in real life]
and we can write you exclusive house music
you'll see


then we walked out
and a customer was changing the trash bag
in the condiment bar
did you count the thirteen employees
who didn't do this
or stop me from doing it
she asked


but none of the supervisors
had time to listen to her
there was an installation unveiling
it had this large
strange shaped light bulb
and in the filament
it spelled out a date
and
something about Bernie
and there were all these
seemingly unrelated items
all in a big free standing
glass case
and a lady
started telling me something
about a key


but then my phone rang
and woke me up

corrections

ok
not good vibes
that's in Cali I think
I ordered from them
catalogue before online
I think the one in Seattle
is babeland
but not sure
also
if that sounded
like a made a trip to Seattle
for sex toys
that's not right
I just planned my visit
to include that
I was there for work
with limited free time
and I didn't make
subsequent shopping sprees
on subsequent visits
it was great
but
I'm not a fiend
and I'd seen it
but
it's worker owned, I think
or maybe that's good vibes again
I think both are female or worker owned
whatever
not important

i got a pre-screening email back from erotic cabaret

it's kinda general
and
of course they want to know
do I shop there
and I don't
it's in Montrose
and it's been there forever
so
I know I've been in it
but like maybe 30 years ago
I don't buy fantasy underwear
its not comfortable
and
if they had sex toys
they musta not wowed me
I made a special trip to good vibes in Seattle
so, now, if self conscious
you're supposed to apply to places
because you love them
not because you need a job
so
I have to decide
how I can honestly and legitimately
answer these questions
when spin might be the right answer
oh well
but
at least I got the email, huh
and I could totally do that job
no question

last night, i dreamed

that I was driving to work
and my headlights
went out
it was night
and everything
went pitch black
and
it was all I could do to pull my car into a parking lot
where there was a trucker
who was lost
I was just a few blocks from work
so
I was trying to get them
because there turned out to be three of them
to take me up the street
and I'd give them directions
but
I'm not sure they agreed
again
very strange

last night, weird dreams

I was singing
with some other girl
one of you know who's songs
and
I was singing kinda low
kinda
harmony
but, not exactly
because
not exactly
I thought it sounded fine
but you
you maybe didn't
I'm not sure of your motivations
but, you stuck a microphone in my hand
told me I was off-key
and told me to sing it alone
it pissed me off
so
I turned around
faced the room
and started singing something else
some Christmas song
can't remember
white Christmas? Maybe
but upbeat
for sure
maybe somethin else, not sure
and I was singin it for real
not all casual-like
but
ya know, to beat the band
but
it was a little defiant
not sure what that means


then
I was naturally back in school
and
all the girls
had to take their eyes off
like glasses
walking around eyeless
and every one of the girls
kept saying
I feel like someone is doing something
damaging my eyes
I can feel it
something is wrong with them
I have pain
all of them
were worried
it was upsetting, weird


I haven't got a clue
what that means

FOURTEEN

i love you

just in case you look here
i want you to know

i went to dinner with bita tonight

i told her some more
of my insanity

she
doesn't know for sure
whether or not she wants to be a doctor

i told her i thought i had a novel in me
talked about what i think a novel is

well, that's settin the bar pretty high, she said

and, i said
i don't have much drive or motivation to write it
because i don't know what the thing i'm trying to say
i don't know what the message is
and plus
if it's not going well
if i'm not engrossed in the story
i get bored
want to throw it away
start something else

but
i feel like it's in me
and i would like to prove that to myself


she hasn't seen any of the movies
or television
or anything
that's a touchstone reference point for me


and
i said something to her
and she's like
that's good
let's stop there
that's great, i like that
that's really positive

here's what i said:

you're young
you are at the point now
where you can look out and see the horizon of possibilities
as you go along
your focus tightens up
you can only see down to a focal point
but
if you look up
the whole horizon of possibilities is still out there