and mouse ran along-side

it's been a long time since i've seen you in my dreams--  but i did last night.

we were driving across country in a van with two women i don't know--  i'm not sure whether i knew them in the dream.  we were talking.  i was explaining to you that i'm having a hard time believing that we will ever be together, and that without that belief i degenerate.

i explain to you all the reasons that, logically, it shouldn't really matter.  we love each other.  there is no guarantee that we will be happier all cheek and jowl than we are at a distance.  i don't know how happy she makes you, maybe you need her.  maybe you wouldn't be as happy with me, and you would come to resent me.

--  i've been thinking about this stuff like a constant loop in my head, unless i'm actively distracting myself from it--  it's one of the wonders of depression [which is why i think that that's what's going on]--  plus, i don't want to cause the kid any pain, or damage your relationship with her, and i can't help but think of all the ways that things could go bad on that front [although, california state law does somewhat limit how bad it could go with the kid--  but then it also ratchets up how expensive it could get with the other part of the equation], and, i guess when all is said and done....

so, anyway, trouble believing is a problem.

you are driving me to work.  that's weird.  and i'm not going to my regular job.  in the dream i work for a clothing store--  which i haven't done since i was seventeen.  [then i worked for miller's outpost for about three months.  i folded the jeans the right way once and ended up having to do it everyday all day until i was allergic to denim.  i really hated it.  it was stupid and boring and i said i wasn't ever going to do that again, and i haven't;  although, if you have the right, clothing sales job you can make hella dough;  i used to have a customer/friend who won a lamborghini selling clothes in the "women's" {as opposed to like junior's which is smaller sizes} department in saks.  that was not salary, that was perks, the lamborghini.

so, anyway, you were driving me to work.

i was not working in my usual location, they were sending me to another store for the day, and i wasn't really sure where that store actually was.  so i was stressed about the time and the place and us and really every aspect of the time space continuum, really.

and i was telling you that it didn't even need to be true--  i just needed to be able to believe in it.  because i could not continue to exist without the belief in us.

i'm sure you were talking to me, but i don't remember anything you said.  that's weird too, huh.

anyway, at some point there was traffic;  we were crawling along at a snail's pace.

that is when i noticed mouse.

mouse was running along the side of the highway dragging an electrical plug in his mouth.

back story

http://katzcoffee.com/proddetail.php?prod=CRBJMORG%2FFT


I saw this in the grocery store the other day
I read the blurb on the back
and it made me cry


I'm gonna try to find the story now
hold on


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8P71bF4nRDM


this is pretty much the story
and this made me cry again
but I might be able to find
another version you could
just read quickly
hang on


http://www.katinkahesselink.net/other/mouse1.html

i feel you today too

I love you baby

today, i swear to god

I can feel your lips on me
languidly kissing
my neck
my shoulders
my breasts


it's a little unsettling


but
I don't want it to stop


the tarot
this morning
said you were thinking good stuff about me
I figured you'd be
I don't know
miffed


but
I guess not

holiday theory

driving to work
i heard adele
now, i've got nothing against adele
but
i always feel like she was
according to the industry
supposed to fill the slot left by amy winehouse
and, for me at least
adele is no amy winehouse

so then
i really really wanted to hear amy winehouse
here, see what i mean:

this was the first song that came up on my phone
youtube amy winehouse
and it illustrates my point, i think
but it's not just
not the bad girl good girl thing
not that

adele sounds like she is giving it all she's got
and doing a creditable job
of mainstreamish good

amy sounds like she is giving it
nothing
no effort
she can do it shit faced for god sake
and there's that kernal of stylistic genius

now, i mean, i'm not saying she isn't giving any effort
i'm saying it seems effortless


i woke up with a headache
and i really didn't want to go to work
and i really didn't work that hard today

but
amy got me off on the right foot i guess

and
they were setting christmas
and that always pisses me off
can't we get through fucking halloween, even
but
there's this buddha ornament
in a pink robe
with butterflies
and suddenly
i wanted a pink christmas

now
we did the tree
and the presents
we just didn't do santa, or jesus, ya know
when i was a kid
but
i haven't
since i've been grown
it has seemed stupid, at best
but

when i was a kid in the 70s
maybe you remember
they had those flocked trees
in crazy colors
and every year i would peek into that special tent
and be like
let's get a pink one
let's get a purple one
let's get a black one
and nobody was ever having any of it

it was gonna be a plain ole tree that would sit in the window
and look just like everybody else's tree
plus those were way more expensive

and
before i got all into you
and found it meaningful to try to connect to judaism
my previous plan had been
if i have kids
i'm gonna pick one holiday from every major culture
that i can relate to
and celebrate that calendar
so that
the kid will have a generalized multicultural understanding
and the best cherry picked holidays
and
whoever they meet
they got one holiday in common
see good, right
except they overlap sometimes
and
it could get a little disjointed

and the idea
id to use the holidays
to achieve human actualization goals
i like the whole concept of passover as
i was a slave
what am i enslaved to
what am i being set free from
where is the promised land i'm headed for

i think the concept behind lent is really good
in that you are giving up something
that you decide is bad for you
purifying yourself by abstaining for 40 days
but
i'm uncomfortable with
whatever jesus has to do with that
i think it's some significant thing
i just don't know

ramadan is fasting
which isn't quite what i'm going for

and sun dance is too intense
couldn't translate to childhood experience

maybe there is something
something buddhist, maybe
but that would be all the time
and my whole theory
is
varry the focus
hit something important with each holiday
so
by the time they're grown
they have all the actualization tools just built into the calendar, ya know
but
fun
and, like effortless

i really like the idea of carnival or mardi gras
paired with lent
but
doesn't that seasonally overlap with passover
i think it does

well, this year for example
lent would have ended april 2
and then passover started april 2 or 3
i don't think that works

i can't find a muslim holiday that works for me
so, in practice i'm not sure it works at all
plus then
you don't get the flow of the seasons and such

i don't know why i have to figure this out right now
probably because i'm writing you something

but
i have to go to sleep

i've been having very active and strange dreams
but i haven't been able to remember them

goodnight sweetheart
 i'm not sure how coherent this was

it's the weirdest thing

we're putting out Christmas ornaments
which normally puts me in a grouchy state
but
I'm having this weird desire
to buy a pink Christmas tree
and decorate it really wildly
completely non christmassy


I'm dreaming of a pink Christmas?
and I'm in a really good mood
but I have a terrible headache
it makes no sense

i'm working on something

again, just in my head
I've been feeling you today
and I feel like writing you something
but I'm at work
so not too soon

las vegas

all day on youtube it's been popping up ads for the bellagio
now, at first, i thought that might be because i looked up something
about the too faced vegas nay star dust palette
which, by the way, may be the greatest thing since sliced bread and all
but i don't want it
don't like it
but
everyone else loves it so i was trying to figure out why i don't

not that i think i should like it, just because everyone else does
don't get me wrong
and it has two colors i absolutely love
it's just the rest, not so much

anyway
if that was why bellagio was popping up
i would think they might have branched out to other vegas establishments
it seems like other places would be paying for ads

and then i thought
what the hell, maybe i'm supposed to write something about it

i've been to vegas exactly once
it was a work trip that was morphed into a small vacation
and the trip was kind of momentous
i drove with the computer equipment in the trunk of the really nice rented G6
i had planned to stop in sedona on the way
i had a lot more interest in sedona than in vegas, to be honest
but
i hit bad weather
there was a blizzard blowing in
and as i wound around the mountains in sedona
the dash board flashed low traction at me
and i thought i might just slide off the side of the mountain
could have happened
i made it to flagstaff for the night
and i wrote to you
you might remember

the next day
i dug the car out
found the one highway that was actually open
and continued
because it couldn't happen without the computer equipment, which i had
that was the scariest driving experience i've ever had
it had been plowed
at some point
but
it was icy
and choppy
and uneven

and while sliding off the side of the mountain
had had a certain poetry to it
this was just stressful and all kinds of coulda ended badly

until it warmed up somewhere around the nevada border
and then it was nice easy highway
the hoover dam was
well, it was impressive
i expected it to be ugly
and i'm not, at least theoretically, a fan of damming rivers
but
it felt like a huge energy generator
which is, i guess, exactly what it was
i drove into town right at sunset
there was some giant billboard set against the smear of fiery light
i can't remember what it said now
but at that moment
it seemed like a message from god
and i said to myself, i like this place

then
i got down to the strip
it was all lit up in the dark
and i thought
this doesn't look right
i guess it's pretty
but it's all wrong

i was staying in paris
i thought that would be
well, shit, i probably thought it would be a place i could wander around and think of you
which it sort of was, but i didn't really like it
the job i had to do was at the wynn
and when we had to go take the euipment and find the ballroom where we'd be
that was when i found king baby and wanted to buy you things
in my mind, that's the kinda stuff you need, i guess
i wanna deck you out with t-shirts and leather and skull jewelry
i don't think i bought anything in vegas
maybe i did
i can't remember for sure
but i don't think so

i went in a really nice sephora, nothing
all the shops in paris, nada
i don't like to gamble
so i didn't do that either
i think i bought some drinks, well, i for sure did that
i may have eaten at the paris buffet three times
and it was good, really good
i wandered through all the shops in the venitian or whatever it's called
and i really meant to ride the gondola
but it was all so so very FAKE
i didn't enjoy any of it
well
not completely true

i could see the fountains of the bellagio from my window in paris
i like that
i'm pretty sure that's right
it occurs to me now
i may have just watched videos about it
and i'm not 100% sure
i know i didn't make it into the bellagio to see the chihuy installation
even though that would have been something i would have wanted to do
because
i didn't want to be on the strip for one second more
no matter what that meant i missed
i hated vegas
i never plan to go back

when i was leaving
i had to stop to buy pepto
because my stomach was so upset
i was afraid i might shit myself on the road
and
as soon as i left the tourist vegas area
and entered the real vegas where people live
i started getting that feeling that i liked the place again


when i was, i don't know nine, ten, something like that
my mom took me to disney world
i didn't like that either
it was hot
you had to wait in line
and
it wasn't worth it in the end
it wasn't fun

now i grew up going to astroworld
which i did think was fun
we had to wait in lines
it was hot
and i would cry at the end of the day when we had to leave
so i can't really explain

my mom liked it ok
she had been kinda mad at me for the freedom train i think
where we had waited in line for hours
to see the coolest thing ever
that she thought was kinda boring i think
and it didn't last very long
and it was kinda cold for that line
which, let's be real, just could not have been that cold

goodnight sweetheart, i love you

moonlight

i hold you hand as we stare up into the night sky
i haven't quite put the words to it, i say
i'm trying, but there seems to be this sticky silken web or net or something
that keeps the right image just beyond reach
it'll come to you, you say, and you put your arm around me

the air is this strange amalgamation of hot and chill
that doesn't make any sense
but
i'm not really used to sensible weather
i huddle close to you
i feel your body heat
a fireside inside somewhere
calls me
i want to crawl inside of you
lounge on your bear skin rug
i stare up into your eyes
and i swear i see a flickering

now i realize i have not been speaking
it didn't seem to bother you, but
how was your day, i ask

it was good, can't complain, but
i thought about you and me and this
all day

i sigh, but in a happy way
and reach my arms up behind your head
pulling myself up
or you down
or possibly both, i'm not sure
i only want our lips to meet

then your arms are wrapped around me
touching the bare skin of my back
and it's like i'm burning slightly

our tongues are touching
it's so
wonderful
whoever thought up tongue kissing
they should get some kind of award
i push myself against you
hoping that i'm aiming
and without too much pressure
you moan slightly
my head swims
i may pass out

bed, you whisper
in this strange tone
like maybe you're asking
if that's ok location-wise
maybe i'd prefer the kitchen table
or bent over the bathroom sink

bed.  yes.  comfortable.  now, please

you smile
you're so beautiful
you take my hand and lead me there
like some kind of fairy tale

i took double the maca today

trying to amp it up a little
I don't want to be boring
I feel boring
anxiety is great, huh


I think I feel you
might be the maca
not sure


I'll try to write you something
later


I love you

hi