i'm having some trouble writing that piece

mostly because
I thought of several
really nice ways to remove the pearls
but
they might still sound violent to you
also
it kind of defeats the process
if they are just removed
I think I have to know what they are
and
I don't really know what all my
problems are
and
I, to be honest, don't want to
not right this minute
have a dredging of my soul
not because I don't love you enough
but
because
I'm more in the mood to be happy
I'm not
I'm on a kind of weird emotional roller coaster
I need to get out of the place I work
I hate to look for jobs
plus
I don't really want a job
I got other shit I want to be doing
I got money concerns
health concerns
I don't feel at all confident
that I even know what's real and what's
metaphor
I want to be saved
and that makes me a little angry
I feel like my emotions
are a little out of my control


but maybe
maybe what I can do
is write like a draft
better yet
I'm wanting to write 3rd person
I have this really clear bit in my head
but it's more description and less letter
ok
ill do that
coming up

i have this thing

I'm not sure what you'd call it
duh, idea I guess
that I had in a story I was trying to write
years ago
and the story didn't work
it was stupid
all like heathcliff and tower windows
blah blah
but
I've been having trouble with my
jungle training
because I stubbornly want it to be ahuyahuasca (sp)
and so the level of self awareness
that the plant teachers
would have of my flaws
and how they would fix me
well
that's hard to write
and work has been sucking
the juice from my flexors
that connect me to the
well
what i call god
and
I don't have any weed
haven't for like almost a year now
but
I digress
the idea
instead of the things
being like landmines
or scars
they are like bits
shrapnel, maybe
and over the years
your body builds nacre around them
and they become these big
 bloody colored
 pearls
which initially makes them less painful
but as the nacre builds up
they become painful


in most incarnations of this
I'm like digging them out of my flesh
which I like
but
I'm thinking
about some magical realism-y way
to remove them
so
hopefully
tomorrow
I will have another clementine-Rodrigo letter

i have a bunch of ideas and i'm writing something, but i don't know what it is yet

I've been having a rough time lately
and I haven't been writing much
I'm sorry about that

that last one

I am deleting it
obviously it wasn't meant for you
who knows if you saw it even
I'm having a lot of stress
right now
and I lost my temper


I'm sorry
sometimes it hard to
get things nailed down
but
I'm trying


I'm not going to let her make me
a stupid bitch


wait
now, on second thought
if i delete it
this won't make sense to you now


so
now I'm not sure what to do
crap

ok, this against my better judgement

please turn it off
I can't help looking at it because
the kid is too adorable
but
you are too stupid to be endured
if you think I said ANYTHING clever yesterday

i had a dream, and i thought man i've really gotta tell him about it

but
I totally don't remember what it was


even a little
isn't that weird

i dreamed i was working in a grocery store

and I was signed up for
like
an after work yoga class
but
I didn't have any yoga pants
so I was trying to find yoga pants
in time to still get some class time in


not sure what that means
and besides


almost all the pants
I would actually work in
I could totally do yoga in


so
it means something

i don't know if it's my imagination, or what

but
damn
I am feeling you
really strongly
really early
what's up sunshine

you are not the source of my stress

my job
is the main problem
I
love
you

i love you

very much
I wish I could just talk to you
well
that's not really true
I really want to kiss you
and hug you
and
maybe some other stuff
if I can remember how
but
I do wish I could
have a frank and informational conversation
with you
because I have stress
and issues
and I'm not sure
what
or
how
and I want to
know things

i'm in a weird mood

I feel
like quitting
like walking the fuck out of my job
which suddenly became
very corporate
and very
inflexible


I want to be rescued


and it makes me feel like a fuck up
all of that


I probably shouldn't be telling you this