warning: this might be a long post [some shit went down]

so
i got up early because i had extra work to do
but
i also asked for a sign, just because, ya know
the gate wouldn't open to get out of my apartments
so i had to go looking for the other gate

and i'm thinkin:
this is my sign:  no exit

then
i go to work
and things are going ok-ish until-- smash
i was rushing against time
and now i have a huge mess to clean up
but i get it all cleaned up before we open, so cool

and i'm thinkin:
that's my message:  it's gravity day

so
i'm all tryin to look on the bright side and shit
and whatever
i'm bouncin around and bein all effervescent and shit

and i'm thinkin:
that's my message:  it's all attitude

then i come home
and i'm hungry and tired and trying to think
what to write to you

and my mother IMs me:  call her

god damn it

my step father is having heart surgery this week


and
not to make this about me
but, shit, ya know
i can't deal

and
they don't want a second opinion
they aren't gonna research it
to know what to expect
or what's gonna happen afterwards

and my mom
i don't think she's competent to take care of him
and
i don't really want to insert myself into this
i don't really want to be involved
i don't really want to go to my mom's house
[she's kind of a horder]
but
he's gonna be fucked up after

when my dad had his heart surgery
i couldn't even recognize him after
he was gray and he looked like he'd died and been resuscitated
i had to find the bed number to find him in recovery

and my dad
he was always kinda tough, ya know
my step dad
i don't think he can handle this
my mom
is a super-crappy caregiver

i don't like this landscape at all




no exit
gravity day
it's all attitude


shit

rushing now, write later

i'm thinking about you
and
i hope everything is beautiful
like it should be

and

big kiss, baby
i love you very much

i love you

and about that other thing

scary

i thought i felt you this morning

like a tugging on my soul:
need you
want you
now, already

and
i dreamed
i was working in a shop
and it was christmas time
but
it was awesome because there weren't any
christmas decorations or obvious crap

there were dove tea pots
and cookware with bright abstract
enamel pictures
painted into the finish

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=720282&Date=6%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

making baba ganoush for the first time

ok
i really hope you love eggplant
because
i have now gotten that cooking and peeling thing
down


i went to the farmers market
i bought 6 scratch and dent eggplants for two dollars
[in this case, scratch and dent just means
ripe and not too pretty]
so then i had to figure out what to do with em
i had not actually planned to buy eggplant

i was gonna do brown rice and broccoli for dinners
and tabouli for lunches [with quinoa]
but then i saw the eggplants

now
i thought about doing a bunch of different stuff with them
but
when you cook em in the oven like that
they cook down a lot
and the other ways i've cooked em
i use a lot of oil, or cheese, or whatnot
so i decided to go all in

i over seasoned it a bit though
i seasoned 1/2 in the first batch of food processing
but, in the second batch the roasted garlic was ready
next time i will just use roasted garlic and salt, i think
i mixed the two batches together and i didn't like it as well

i also made hummus
and
turns out roasted garlic was the missing ingredient there too
and smoked paprika

and for both these dishes
i think the tahini is more important that i thought before

this is the stuff:

it pours out of the jar

which works better

and

it tastes good

i saw finding a friend for the end of the world

i expected it to be a comedy
ya know, from the previews

but it was sad and touching
and it made me think of us

i mean
it's not like it was really the end of the world
but, really, it might as well have been

and
really
a movie doesn't have to be a masterpiece
to make me cry
if it hits me just right

i was, a while ago now
in a hotel room in chicago
watching fred clause
and bawling my eyes out
because, somehow, right then
probably any christmas themed movie
would have been more than i could stand
and
that was before i really knew, ya know

*spoiler alert*
but
when he's lying there next to her
and she's wishing she'd known him when they were kids
he says:
no
it had to happen just this way


and
maybe
that's true for us too
maybe

i love you

voodoo tarot, you are just punking me now

i asked it:
what is he thinking about me right now

but
i didn't do single card
i told it choose for me
and it gave me this:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=685704&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

but
if you're thinking about me right now
i find it hard to believe
that
this
is what you're thinking

so
i don't know what to think
about that

something made me ask, not sure what

is he healthy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=82181&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=1969&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=496305&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i don't mean mentally
or
superficially
i mean
physically
and from depth
is he healthy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=825582&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i'm not sure that i'm comfortable with that answer

will he live to be 120:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=446951&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

clearly no


is there any physical illness, currently:


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=810128&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

looks like nothing serious
though
possibly something mild, nonscathing

will we ever live together as a couple:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=190554&Date=6%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i gotta love the voodoo tarot for this
because
my decks at home aren't so sure
but this deck
always answers that question as a yes

i decided something weird today, i may be having another midlife crisis

ok
so i haven't done the walking thing, yet
but today
i wished i had
because i think i've got the shoes broken in
and
i really wanted to walk home

that's not the weird thing

just kinda spontaneously
i thought to myself:

am i too fat to ride a bicycle
how does that work

because i loved riding my bike as a kid

but
i haven't done that
since i was a kid
and
today
i said to myself:

i want to do the MS150 next year


and
i was all like:

you do? since when are you interested in that?


since now, i guess

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=356577&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=821338&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=615811&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=85903&Date=6%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://puppyfishing.blogspot.com/

i love you

i love you

i don't know what will happen

or how whatever will happen will happen

but
i love you so much

i hope
you understand me

i hope
one day
you know me when you see me in the street

i picture now that picture from WWII
you know the famous one of the couple kissing in the street
but
i picture it a little less tame
i want to read the braille of you
i want to inhale the scent of you
i want to dive into you
figuratively

i don't want to own you
but damn
i want you
all of you, every bit


and
the things that keep us apart
god knows about that stuff
god must be fine with it
and
i don't pretend to understand

why

i just kinda took myself on a date

now
i really thought i was a cheap date
but, damn, i really better put out after that

i just had
what has to be
the most expensive deli meal, ever
and, if it's not, i don't wanna know

i thought i was ordering a la carte
but
apparently not
and
a bottle of he'brew is five something, really
i didn't ask
and they didn't tell
[ GENESIS DRY HOPPED SESSION ALE ]

but
it was awesome


i have had lox, and
i like them, they're fine
but i never got all excited about them
probably they weren't very good lox, anyway
but recently i read or saw a documentary about, or something
that you weren't really having lox unless you were having belly lox

so i got the sour cherry soup
which, really
i coulda skipped
shoulda got borscht
i got a poppy seed bagel
with cream cheese and belly lox

i don't quite feel i can believably pull of an oy gevalt
but, like seriously, belly lox is my new favorite food

and the cheesecake
was totally worth the 8.95 i didn't realize it was
it was like milchig heaven this meal

so then
the night was still young
i walked myself down to the DSW
maybe just to look
but
maybe to get some better shoes
because
i have pretty much resolved
to start walking home from work
it's only a little over two miles
i figure i can't really walk to work
because i'd be all sweaty and yuck
and then i do a lot of lifting and toting and running back and forth
when i'm at work
so i don't want to be tired before i start

when i get off work
my feet usually already hurt
and i'm exhausted
but
i actually think the walk would energize me
more than traffic, anyway
i just need better shoes

so
between walking to the bus and from the bus
and walking home
i'd get an extra, i don't know
three miles, give or take


the DSW was a shocker
why is everything a flat or a stripper shoe
there wasn't even anything tempting except sports shoes
in the whole frikkin place--  yuck

i tried on some rykas
and they were comfy
then i tried on some mizunos and they were electric
it's like they were pulling energy from the earth's core
and shoving it into my body through the soles of my feet

they didn't seem quite right though
i kept kinda tripping on my feet
i think they were correcting for something
something maybe i didn't need corrected
they were wave nirvanas
then i tried wave creation
i didn't want to take them off even to buy them
but i did
they gotta check to make sure they're the same size and whatnot

i am so happy

i don't even care if i put out

remembering my dreams

sometimes isn't easy

i was trying
but
they were sounding
a little like they might upset you
so i stopped

there was a girl in a sparkling shorts suit
stars and stripes

but
i got the distinct impression, somehow
that she was you
and she was leaving me

there was a ballet or opera or something
and i was looking at characters
in boxed up personas
pull them out
see the whole of the character
like some holographic trick

and the characters all seemed to be villains

there was more
but it was all weird
and symbolic, i'm sure

it's very rare that i go back to bed once i'm awake
i rarely sleep till 4 in the afternoon, regardless

my head still hurts today
and
i see no front forecasted
so
maybe it's some sort of menstrual cycle thing
that i never associated with that
pre-menstrual migraines
now there's something to be happy about

i had the same issue at least last month
[although there was a storm last month]

i'm not exactly sure when to expect my period
because i saw no evidence of ovulation this month
so, best guess
today or tomorrow

what do sports peppers and neon green relish say to you

me too

now
maybe where you are
there are a lot of chicago expats
but i'm thinkin not so much here
so when i saw the neon green relish, i perked up
but
i've seen that one before
and it's not enough to make me want hot dog
not by itself
but
when i saw the sports peppers

be still my heart


now
tofu pups
though they sound great
taste, not so much with the good
but veggie patch makes one that isn't noticeably vile

but then i realized
i don't remember exactly what goes on a chicago dog
last time i was there i was already not eating meat
so, it's been a while

i think tomato
but not ripe tomato
and i've only got juicy little camparis
pickle wedge
what kind, kosher dill, not sure
and forgot it at the store
didn't have those
but
that wasn't what i was missing

there is something critical missing

and then
on the last bite
it hit me

celery salt

i woke up with a headache, and i did the unthinkable and went back to bed

i had weird weird dreams

i'm trying to piece them together

tonight's reading [emperor]

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=475150&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

i want to kiss him:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=760625&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

does he remember meeting me:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=22668&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he wish i knew:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=334932&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what do i know that he thinks i do not:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=459770&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

not sure what this means

i love you, sweetheart

tonight's reading

have i ever hurt him:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=139400&Date=6%2F10%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

is he ok, or is he having trouble:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=563256&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i guess you're ok
i worry about you, you know
not that i think you can't deal, or whatever
i mostly worry that something might happen to you
but
i don't get any sense of that
just maybe
busy
or frustrated by people or situations
probably busy
you seem
energetically farther away

will everything work out for him exactly as he wants
in business:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=572707&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single
i not say that is a yes
but
not a no either
wild card is specific to the voodoo tarot, it's extra, wild card

in his personal life:
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=644562&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=64424&Date=6%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this is a special card of ours too

i want to say a bunch of stuff

really
i want to write a story
but
i can't right now
so
i'm just gonna ramble


i want to tell you, puppyfish
tell you if it's a boy or a girl
but
i'm not sure
i have feelings about it
and that's interfering

i can talk to you about pancakes

--  i have been on a quest for fluffy
the protein shakes kinda backfired--

i thought that since i had been having cravings
intense cravings
to buy rotisserie chicken
and eat the entire chicken
peeling the flesh off the bones
in an obscenely carnivorous fashion
that maybe
just maybe my body wanted protein

and
it did actually seem happy to get the protein
my aches and pains got better
so i assume protein enhanced tissue repair
but
my body also said:

you expect me to schlep, on, excuse me, no carbs


and
pancakes
are, i guess, a comfort food for me
i never buy them when i go out for breakfast
not even at ihop really
because i don't really like the ones you get out

the batch i made this morning was big enough
i am just now thinking about eating again
and that was like 10 hours ago


these are the most little-popping-air-bubble pancakes
i've ever made
so i thought
i'm almost at the recipe
i'll show the puppyfish

there are several tricks
i used more baking soda
i also use baking powder
i use milk
but i add vinegar to make it "buttermilk"
except that it doesn't actually make it buttermilk
because i use umeboshi vinegar
[don't freak out
and i use a pretty fair amount]
the idea is
it reacts with the baking soda
but the umeboshi makes it a little salty and a little sweet
[because i don't use sugar]

now
when my gran gran made pancakes
she had a couple paper towels soaked in
mazola or something
and she'd wipe the pan with it between every pancake
and
i have always done some sort of modified version of that
until this week


this week i said:
it's a frikkin non-stick pan
you do not need oil
and
they are so much better

but back to the recipe
i also have a tendency to make the batter too thick
because i have historically liked them dense
but now i want them fluffy

the other trick
is beer
the carbonation is probably the thing
that actually does the trick
but
the beer gives it flavor
this time what i had was milk stout
and i am a fan
especially since i used 1/2 whole wheat flour
it is eventually my plan to blend in some mesquite flour, too
but
i haven't gotten that yet

i've been using avocado oil
because that's more buttery
[to blend into the mix, i mean]
and ginger
fresh might be better
but i have a bottle of ginger people ginger, so

the other other trick is eggs
use more
however, i am amending that, from today
more egg whites
because the egg yolks affect the flavor
as mentioned before with my sad chia cakes
but
as it turns out
you can reach critical mass on the egginess

last time i used 3 eggs with 1 cup of flour, fine
today 5 eggs with 2 cups of flour
too eggy
and maybe all egg whites would work
but
i'm thinkin
for 2 cups of flour
probably 2 yolked eggs and 4 egg whites
unless you're using all white flour
[like i did last time]
and going for a challah-esque flavor

-- oh, and i made a topping last time too
because i didn't want thick gooey syrup
[which i don't actually have anyway]
or honey
so i heated light margarine in a pan with some porter
[the beer i used last time]
and some lingonberry jam
which gave the whole thing
a kind of deliciously scandinavian flavor

also
i have an electric stove
which i hate 
i learned on an electric stove
but
once you experience gas
well, then you're cookin with gas
electric oven
different story: better
so now i finally understand
the whole separate cooktop thing
anyway

i have traditionally had issues
the pan is too hot
the pan is not hot enough
the other other other trick
[besides the non-stick pan]
pre-heat the pan properly


just start before you finish mixing
and then
after you finish mixing
walk away for a few minutes
so the batter can do a little volcano science experiment of fluffiness
and voila

as soon as you pour the batter in the pan
it starts sending up air
which is how you know it's time to turn
when it's all covered with holes
so
you have to watch the edges, a little

i may have weird taste
because i like buckwheat pancakes
but these are not like that
they're just closer to that than say a bisquick pancake
what with the whole wheat and the milk stout

i liked em
and
puppyfish
today
i kinda made em for you

i love you

tonight's reading

is he happy:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=380512&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what is he thinking about:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=515560&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he want from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=790381&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what is he feeling about me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=193735&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does our future look like:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=908110&Date=6%2F6%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i love you

religious thoughts

so
it's coming back around to the cycle
that i don't get

this is what i don't get:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVNKdx1Wt7M&feature=related

i don't much care for the god as daddy metaphor
but, whatever, we'll run with it

where does daddy go
for apparently
everyone else

where does this disconnection start


i would never need to get ready for inspection
i assume i am being minutely inspected, constantly
mostly by myself
but
as part of the same sort of thing
more like constant karma
you reap what you sew
but
nobody's perfect
so
just try to fix the screw ups
on the ground
in real time

this is not contrary to my understanding
of jewish ethics
[am i wrong]

so then
what gives


now
where i realize
i'm different
is that little conversation
when i was about eight:

i love you god, and
i'll do whatever you tell me to do
just tell me

and
i didn't mean some sort of vague, general love
i meant love however i understood love at eight
for the one who had been there for me
and hadn't hurt me
from the beginning
it wasn't fatherly love
it was intimate


now
it has occurred to me, since
multiple times, actually
that it might not actually be god
it might be
a spirit, an entity hanging around me
that's possible
they talk about psychics having stuff like that

but
when i've felt entities they have seemed very separate
and maybe that's because they were not nice entities
so they were at a different frequency
so
maybe what is with me isn't GOD
but it vibrates on KGOD
so
i figure good enough
and
i want to vibrate on KGOD frequency too

so
i don't really ever disconnect

i get depressed
and god is there
but god steps back, you know
i get really angry, sometimes stupidly
but god steps back, you know
it's always
me and god
"god-daddy" never leaves
i would have to turn and walk away from "him"

embodied text

today
there was a note
that a girl who works with me wrote
i don't really know her
but
it was a cute little note
and
she had cute little writing
and
being the way i am, i had to read it aloud

then
this guy
the one from the facebook thing before
he says to me:

i will only respond to you for the rest of the day
if you talk like that

my first thought:
shit
how did i just talk
i couldn't have done it cold
i had to go and look at the note
and then i could do it

it was not necessarily how she talks
i wasn't trying to imitate her
it was how her writing looked, embodied

i act things out
i don't mean to
i just do it, semi-unaware

i guess
not everybody does that, huh
but, really
how can you not

i love you

tonight's readings

does he understand what i mean
with the 5 rings:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=510924&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this clearly means yes
7 of swords has a particular meaning for us

is he unhappy about something:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=395193&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

this doesn't say clearly yes or no
what is says is suddenly
it might be a communication of some sort
but not necessarily
i just asked if you're ok
and
i got the same answer

suddenly good, or suddenly bad:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=955777&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what would he most like the universe to manifest right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=984790&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

does that mean he's trying to plan something:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=672522&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he most need from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=50300&Date=6%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i am assuming

that you know what i'm talking about
of course

if not

oh well
it has been a while

good though
i keep getting cards
that say
you think
maybe i'm sayin somethin bad

when the gypsy told me

about the five rings
i was being coy

i
always knew
what that meant

did you think, i wonder, that i didn't

sorry, but
i've been thinking about that, today

that, and
how long it's been
that, and
how much i love you
that, and
how much synchronicity there is, everywhere

like, seriously

hello tiger

you must have been
thinking about me
just then