people keep talking about the oscars

and
my immediate gut reaction is always
somewhere around the
oh, do they still have that
latitude

i used to love it as a kid

i watched it religiously
like the olympics
like the miss america
like gone with the wind in the fall
like wizard of oz in the spring

and
i think the oscars lasted the longest
but
i think they only made it to 1987
when paul newman won his only oscar
for color of money
which i can't remember at all now
but which
i thought at the time
was pretty weak
and it beat out
children of a lesser god
which i thought at the time was
brilliant
hurt translating
the whole enacting both voices
as it were
i guess
i thought it was
a tour de force

now
retrospectively
it was a romantic film
but at the time
that was really just a vehicle
for the storytelling

i understood viscerally, then
something i had known intellectually
for a little while at that point:
it's a process

newman had deserved an oscar
for a long time
and how many more opportunities were they gonna get
hurt had just gotten one for kiss of the spider woman
did hurt deserve to get 2 in a row
when newman hadn't had one yet

but
to me
in my mind
i said:
it's just a bullshit political system

and
i never wanted to watch it again after that

because
i don't care about the red carpet
i don't care about celebrity
or what so-and-so is wearing

all that hollywood glitterati stuff
i just really couldn't care less

does that make me too weird for you

because
i know
you might care about that stuff

thank you baby

i woke up with a headache
and i needed extra sleep
but
i was functional today
which i wasn't [almost] yesterday

in the afternoon sometime
i even felt
that kind of electric contraction
that usually means
you've read me
or
thought about me intensely
or
something along those lines
and
this all must mean
that it was you

i knew that one thing
and i know you love me

and
right now
i'm having the most amazing intrusive thoughts
which maybe you're sending

look, i'm having some trouble today

and
i need not to have to worry about you
so
just be ok
ok

i keep getting this feeling
in my body
physical, you know
that you want me to hold you
and assure you that everything's ok

and
probably it is
i don't know right this minute, though

if i'm wrong about
what you want from me right now
then
i'm sorry
i'm not trying to stress you unduly

i just feel affected
and maybe it's just me
but i was excited by the prospect of the story writing, yesterday
and today
i'm depressed
irritable
and i feel kinda
pressed

if that's all coming from me
then i'm so not ok
but
if you are sending me wave
after wave of stress
then
this is exactly how i'd feel

so
then
i'm fine

you're gonna like the story in the end
i think

if it's you
calm down

if it's me
then we got Trouble

hey, just so you know

i'm not writing this stuff
from a place of anger
i"m not angry
i'm not
hurt
or
sad
even
but that part came out easier
so the rest will be a few days, i think
do not freak out

i'm sure everything will work out
however it's supposed to

the introduction

Strawman, you shoulda seen our girl.  She was a freakin jewel in the lotus.  All with the bodhisattva and shit.

I'm sorry Luce, but how do you talk this way.

Just use your own words, Moose.  Tell him what you want to say.

Well Buddy, by which I mean you stupid son-of-a-bitch, do you realize what you've got here?  I been stayin out of the way because, I mean look at her, but I don't think you understand the situation.  I been trying to tell her you're just stringin her.  She just keeps saying stuff like muse to me.  Now I don't claim to know what a muse is, see, but it seems like a crap job to me.  And she's all makin moon-eyes over ya and dreamin about havin your babies.  The whole thing just makes me sick.  She's got this crap job and she needs new glasses, she needs body work on her car, and then she tells me she's going to see you.  Why?  What is he gonna do different this time?  She's gonna spend her money and she's gonna come back crying again.  And, in case you didn't know, jackass, there's been a fair amount of that already around here.  But she thinks she promised you. Before you fuckin gutted her, so I say: so fuckin what. 

Moose, I know he's not going to do anything differently.  He wants it like this.  What I don't understand is why he won't be honest with me about it.  

Does this mean your mother's right?

Hey, quiet there in the peanut gallery.  Do you want him to think we're crazy or something?  Besides, that could never happen.

Ok, look, here's the deal.  I went to see him.  Not because I thought he was going to finally tell me that he loves me.  I know that he loves me.  But I won't believe that I'm real to him until he says it for real.  Not because I thought he was going to give me some sort of explanation.  Although, why he's too stupid to realize that even if it was:  hey, you know, lost a bet babe, he'd be better off telling me because not telling me is just kind of saying:  hey, take it bitch.  I didn't even really want to go because it's too big a risk, honestly.  If I have to I can completely manufacture him, well, I think I can, anyway, but if he kills my love then I've got nothing.  Then I'm back to chain smoking and waiting to die.

What is this shit!?  Are you telling me that you need some man to keep from killing yourself?

Sadly, I might be telling you that.  He's the only thing that's ever made me want to live.  Now, granted, not lately.  But I was in a kind of holding pattern.  And the thing is:  I did feel like I'd promised him, but I didn't really feel like I was obligated to that, you know, after, but, come on, the situation was untennable.  So I went out there for me.  Because if I went for him then I couldn't love him any more when he did the things that seem inevitable.  Not this time.  Not any more.  

What I really did.  I went on a journey.  A journey of self-exploration.

God, that sounds hokey.

Does it sound less hokey if I call it something else?

I went on the road to find out what would happen and what I would do.

as i reread that last, i see a different reading, so now i'm even more disturbed

one thing i like about this poetry i do here
the line breaks
sans punctuation
allow for different readings
play and juxtaposition
in reading

but

as i reread the last
the context of "save yourself" changed

when i constructed it
i intended
more of a they're coming, save yourself
but as i read it now
it comes across more like
save yourself from me

which
totally works in context and all
but
is even more disturbing


so
i don't know
maybe
i've painted your character in an unfavorable enough light
that you're rethinking
why is it i like her again
or
damn, she's more of a chick than i thought she was

but
i'm serious
i thought that everything was my imagination
and then, later, driving
i wondered if that constituted wanting to want to make myself try
to forget you [or whatever it is i'm always saying i can't even do]
or, rather
if it constituted an external projection
of my anguish about your methodology
or perhaps
it was just simple self protection

do i need protection from you

if i understood
what the fuck was going on with you
i could maybe answer that better

ok, so i've been driving for 12 hours and spinning this into a story in my head, but i think i need to talk to you about it while i can still remember what isn't the story

this is not the there-will-be-a-story-story
that will be much more like something i'd write
this is
i think
really really dark, suddenly


so
i had just looked at myself in the mirror
and i recognized myself
i looked just like me
i was happy and confident

and then
i walked over to you
i had stuff i wanted to tell you
i figured
even if it was over
i felt like i'd had a positive influence on your life
[this stuff isn't going in the story
well, maybe the mirror thing
but i wanted you to know
i was thinking this
just before]
if you were happy with whatever
i could feel good about it

but

i started talking to you
and
i looked into you
with whatever that freaky scary thing i do is
and
suddenly
i thought:
this has all been my imagination
from the beginning to now, everything

and
whatever you may have said after that
just couldn't register

and
i couldn't get away from you fast enough

as i constructed it into a story [or started to, anyway]
it became more like:

rose looked into his eyes
as he pretended not to know her
and she saw it differently this time
rather than seeing someone who wanted pathologically not to be pinned down to anything
rather than seeing the need be able to claim: you got it wrong lady
this time she saw the other half of her soul looking back at her
a keening animal in a spring trap

maybe his pretending not to know her
was really an offering of love to her
i need you
i love you
save yourself


i find this all very disturbing.

i am disturbed, deeply disturbed by my experience

there will be a story

i''ll probably put it in the story file
rather than here
but
you know me, right

i'd asked for a sign

i got a sign

but
it didn't have anything to do with you

and
i really knew
that other thing too

the surprise of the evening
was
that i really enjoyed myself

don't freak out

i couldn't do that one thing cause i was doing that other thing

i love you

smile

valentine's thoughts

i thought about you today

i
lpve
you

but

i'm not feeling valentine's day-ish

and anyway
that's just another
retail construct

but
i'm chilling a bottle of
new age rose
and i'm going to pretend
that you're with me

i've been working longish hours
and when i got done today
i went shopping
and i wandered into ulta3 looking for a lipstick
i've been looking at the whole foods
and aveda
and
i haven't found any that looked good on me
i found one
LORAC - vanity
then
i had to have a navy mascara
which apparently no one makes anymore
and black is too dark
and brown looks weird
and did i mention
i'm doing this like half shabbos of a cleanse
where i don't eat all day
but just drink the lemonade
and then i do eat dinner
and today
i ran out of mix
so i was kinda spacey

and
i can't be doing very well
if i'm shopping for makeup

anyway
i got mascara in bad girl plum by benefit

no no, it's bad gal plum

for all my talk, it's not just your mind

tonight
it's your jaw
and the frightening stretch
of your neck
over sinew

and your hair
when it's shaved short
partially because it doesn't detract
from the beautiful structure of your face
and skull
but
also
because
when i was 26
i had a bob with the back of my head buzzed
there was something very sexy
about the feel
even running my own hand over it
and
i think about that

touching the shadow along your jaw
sideburn to ear
maybe
maybe i'll linger
but the 'lectric feel of the back of your head
could be swoon-worthy

oh
but to kiss you
and touch you there
that could be the next big thing

counting my blessings

i saw a youtube video today
pcos-girl
and
she was talking about thinning hair
apparently a side effect of pcos
she was obviously in her early to mid twenties
she showed her hair

i will no longer refer to what i've got as thinning

thank you god
for my hair
it's good
i'm good
i'm grateful
i'm not complaining anymore

i'm all shook up

i don't want to be
i want everything to be
all happy and good
but
maybe it isn't supposed to be that way

maybe
maybe i
maybe i don't know what

i mean
i say i want you to just tell me
tell me what you want from me
so that i can just finally
figure out
how to work my life properly around you

but
maybe
that won't work, really

maybe
i want too much from you
and maybe i couldn't deal with
what i think i want

and maybe you know that
it's something else you need

but
i feel like
i'm trapped between the walls
like
i'm not living in my life

i have a hard time not just making shit up
and
why am i not really really angry with you
it's years and years
and
maybe you're still shopping me

but maybe
not

it's just
maybe
that i had a strong desire for you today
and
i kinda don't want to
i kinda just want to feel in control
until i feel like i've got it figured out to
something i can deal with

but i do
i want you
but i'm angry
and i'm menstrual
so it's got a slightly desperate
violent edge to it
so
i imagine
it could be really hot

but
i still have this residual desire
to be soothed, gentled from my near hysteria
which i had to keep all secret and shit

damn you

and
damn these new vitamins
they are revving me up and making it worse

i was taking these blood building supplements
and they were making me feel so much better
that i decided to take the multi too
source of life it's called
it's got spirulina and bee pollen and ginseng root

but
i don't want to be all dangerous
because maybe that's scary
and part of me says
you deserve to be scared, a little
and the other part of me says
that that's kinda an abusive attitude and i need to watch that

there's this part of me
that wants you to take my hand
look me in the eye
say: i love you
and say my name

but
if you did
then maybe that would just bring up
the next round of angst
you know what i mean
and maybe
maybe that's all girly boring

i do want that though

and
i want to spend a four day weekend
in bed with you
not necessarily for any kind of marathon
more to calibrate
and touch you
maybe smoke a little weed
and drink some wine
or maybe
something harder
but
not sitting around talking
so much as absorbing you

i will say
this idea terrifies me as much as it attracts me
i am aware of all the ways
i am not the gorgeous body i'd like to be for you
and
i'm not sure i have any skills left
and
i know
that new discovery phase
is the one that most people enjoy most
but
it's not for me
or at least it hasn't been

so
maybe
all i've done here
is be confusing
but i did start by saying

i'm all shook up

it case that sounded ungood

it wasn't meant to

concrete poetry
is all

sometimes
it's what's needed

i don't know

part of what i love about you
is how you tell me
what you tell me
but
part of what
holds me
away
is
the
same

and
i always figure
really deep down
that you want me away
away, i am so much more
anything, in fact, that you could want

so

if you

want me

there are  many ways

i don't mean sexual, actually

though

i never intended to

live a life of sexual dessication

i guess that that is what i've chosen

and  that's not the thing you need to get right with me

does that make sense

yesterday

i was working

and i had the strangest sensation

the definite sense

of a phantom ring there

and i don't know where stuff like that

where does that come from, really

i'm a little worn

worse for wear

i love you

but i feel contingent

and i'm not even sure what

i mean by that

do you know what i mean

do you know what you mean

for what, ultimately, am i needed

i don't know

that

and

that

i need