very very strange dream last night

i'm not really sure where to start
i can't remember the exact ordering
i'm not sure
what's more
salient

here goes

i was working somewhere, i guess
and
you know how i used to have problems
finding a bathroom
apparently
no longer a problem
i mean
really
trash cans, and whatnot

i find this rather unsettling, now
but in the dream
no problem


i was going to the doctor
i'm not sure why
but
the waiting room
was like a big arcade
there was a swing hanging from the ceiling
i got on it
i loved the swings so so much when i was little
but by the time i was a teenager
it seemed like my knees
didn't quite have the juice anymore
and maybe i was too heavy
but
it wasn't the same
i couldn't get to the full arc
but i did in the dream
plus
i did these figure eights
and twist the chains

it was so so fun

then
i was going to see the doctor
and
i thought i had waited so long
because it was some special plan, or something
but
it turned out
i was paying full price
which was $160, [which seems steep]
but
as i took off my hat and looked in the mirror
i was bald
i don't mean like chemo bald
or cool shaved head bald
i mean
shiny pate under the hat
taking me by surprise
because
hair
normal
otherwise

this is very bad, i thought
how did i miss this before it got to this stage
there's nothing that can be done now
and there is no way he will not find this hideous
crap
how can he love me like this


i find this less unsettling
i get where this comes from
my hair used to be super thick
it's less thick
my father was bald
and super vain
i watched all that growing up

there is one area
which i noticed
way back
before i gave you the second coin
but maybe that same day, or the day before
if i'm in bright light
from just the right angle
i can see my scalp through my hair
when i noticed that
i just about lost my shit
and
you've never noticed it
i know
because
like that same day
you made some reference to propecia
and
you wouldn't have done that
if you though there was any way
i'd take it as referent to me

it's fear that i'm not physically attractive enough for you
i think
that's probably human


i'm not sure what the swing could mean
i'm tempted to think you sent it to me, somehow
but maybe
it's a signal from my body
to push my improved knees a little more


then
i was driving along the highway
there was this couple
or brother and sister
whatever
running
and
tumbling
and i thought i'd try to stop and give them a ride
but there wasn't anywhere to pull over right by them
and when i finally did
i got this strong message
they are dangerous to you, drive away

so i don't know what that was about
seems like a warning
but
about what
don't know

seems like there's something i'm forgetting

for the record
i have looked at hundreds of women's heads
in paranoia
and
there is a lot of variety in hair thickness
the particular density issue
like 80% of men have by 30
but it's maybe 50% of women by 50
so
i'm maybe not at the top of the class
but
i'm not really worried
about that


what i'm most worried about
is my legs
maybe it's just because i'm personally a "legs" person
or maybe it's a comparative thing
but i used to like my calves
and outer hips and thighs
just not knees and inner thighs
but now my calves have
[and ok, it's not just now
you've seen this
and you didn't run screaming from the building]
this like thicker
is it a weird standing muscle
or
water retention
or what
action going on
that i hate


wow
this is super sexy, huh

sorry

i haven't said anything for a while

but i have been thinking about you
i've had a lot going on
and
it's not really stabilized yet
i'm not sure when
or where
or how

and
i've been trying not to let myself
freak out
just to be honest

but
i can feel you
through the ether
really strongly, some days

keep doin what you're doin
and
treat yourself
special
from me
because
i love you, darlin

camping, sub-zero

i didn't
in the dream
actually get to the camping part
there was a bunch of gear
to be acquired
i needed
one of those mummy sleeping bags
i needed mittens
and gloves
for depending
whether i needed to use
fine motor skills

the long gone house
on sunburst street
put in an appearance

and
there were lots of conversations
i can't remember them though

something
about how i wouldn't be so lucky
twice
to have unseasonably warm weather

something
about how i was freakin crazy
and
more probably
but
i can't remember

you been on my mind

i just kept thinking about you
just kinda happy
nothing
too specific

i just love you

but i sometimes worry
that you aren't taking good care of yourself

you have to live forever, you know


i'm going to be off-line all day tomorrow
but i'll be thinking about you

i love you

i'm having a strong desire to buy you something

not just any old something
i mean a particular something
and
regardless
that doesn't happen that frequently
so
i thought i'd show you what i want to buy you

except
i can't find one

i have pictured in my head:

a jacket
which would traditionally be
sort of a chunky knit
maybe cable knit or something
with toggle buttons
sort of a fisherman's jacket

except
not that at all
just
inspired by
that

instead
some sort of light material
soft
like cashmere
so it's still cableknit, or whatever
but not it's not so bulky
like not a thicker weight than
sweatshirt material

which is the other inspiration:
the hoodie
so it's hooded
and soft
but the whole cable knit
and cashmere, or whatever
action goin on
and instead of the super bulky toggle buttons
something really sleek
and smart

and
if it was for me
i'd say:
black
but you don't really wear that much black
or really that much color either

maybe od green
that'd be versatile

how do you look in od
i look great in it
but maybe navy would look better on you

anyway

that's what i had a burning desire
to buy you right now

who is johnny werewolf

i dreamed i was at some club
with cable spool tables
where you sit on floor pillows
kinda a beatnik sort of a place

and i was telling you:
yeah, ya know
i like springsteen and all
but mostly because he's clearly important to you
the guy i really wanna hear play
is that johnny werewolf cat

and i could see the gears turning in your head
as you kinda crab walked out of the room

planning

something

wrought iron stairwells and four leaf clovers

i love you

chair time

adirondack
american gothic by the lake
barefoot in the grass
naked upper arms

let it be
read like a book
alone under that tree

frog mother croaking, embarrassed

just wanted to have fun
the frog mother had wailed
through the dive bombing hummingbirds
to the birthday boy

oh, fun
he melted
through the ether
that's what you wanted

and she'd come, the frog mother
chair in the woods
what was she doing here
toad in the hole


now they know how many holes it takes to fill the albert hall

why
wondered the frog mother
was he so bitter about evolution
somehow it affected his tennis game
sunrise, sunset

what's your sign, dear
cancer
and the star we saw last night
oh, and you come with satellites
losing orbit fast
headed my direction

don't you feel weird
no, it's only me

am i my brother's keeper

face to face in the place of totems

raven red wolf
and horse
i wanted both
horse would not lay smoothly on my throat
raven red wolf
danced away with me
ghost of horse
gallops
alongside

http://www.brookestonejewelry.com/store/photos/31/index.htm

http://www.brookestonejewelry.com/store/photos/366/index.htm

not quite a poem, rememberances

when first i was trying to get you alone
not because i'm some sort of nympho
but because
really
i wanted to talk
i thought, naively, that you'd meet me
in the emerald city
i left a trail of bread crumbs
wait
that's mixing the metaphors

instead
you blared from every radio
woke me up
winding through the verdant forest fire

finally
i found myself face to face
with totem guides
choose me
no me


[i'm falling asleep again
i'm kinda a wreck
bed now]

i will write you more poems, but tonight

i was walking with you
in my dream last night
through a rolling green countryside
here, we decided, here will be cows


maybe
maybe all that stuff last night
maybe you already knew all that
maybe i didn't need to say it

i'm just afraid
you'll think
that i don't want to be with you
or that i'm a manipulative bitch

plus i worry

about a bunch of stuff

i love you

i'm falling asleep
i just kinda messed up my neck
i gotta go to bed

a bunch of random stuff

i had a new wine i like today:

http://www.vinodelsol.com/pos/salessheets/VerumSalesSheet.pdf

i didn't know robert parker liked it before hand
i don't tend to like chardonnay that much
so i try them whenever i get a chance
to find some that i like
this one is not at all oak-y
it's very fruit-y
but complex
with, i guess they call it, mineral notes
patagonia
and the label are what caught my attention

if you get a chance
give it a try
i think you'll like it


i was thinking about you
about the evolution of your feelings for me
which i think i can see more clearly now
i'm not sure why
maybe
maybe my perceptions
were so tied to my own emotions
that i couldn't separate them
now that i can look back
i see things i couldn't see before

i mean
some of the things i knew
but didn't know
it's very confusing to explain

i still don't know
when it starts, your stuff
and that used to be really important to me
but i've let it go
because if i find out that it's something different
then it spoils some of my story

and
anyway
i know you were way less into me than i was with you at the start

the weird thing is
i had all these intense experiences at the very very start
when i was constantly hopped up on dope
and they were awesome 
you sang me this song in my head called pecking order
[a very silly song]
and you told me that
[you understand i mean telepathically, right
directly into my head]
you didn't know how this was going to work
please make it work

i miss you being in my head
more even than i miss being stoned out of my mind
but, i don't even feel like that person anymore
and you've mellowed
when i first met you, and for quite a while after
there was a kinda scary anger in you
i guess it's still there
and maybe you've seen me react to it
but it doesn't scare me so much as it did

i don't assume i bear the full responsibility for it
i don't assume you want to hurt me

i don't want to hurt you either
i don't want to make you love me more by being a mean girl
or aloof or any sort of trickery
i don't want to change you into some pre-set ideal i got cooked up in my head

as part of trying to make it work
i had offered a panoply of options
and it seemed like you wanted to keep them all open
which, i totally get, actually

but i feel like there have been a bunch of changes along the way
that have corresponded to my saying no in one way or another
and that,  first of all, alarms me
i'm not trying to rock the boat by bringing this up
there's a give and take that is natural, and boundaries, and such

i just want to make sure of a couple of things
and then also clarify something else

this is an illustration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLfZ2tmM3vY
i like this chick, would have subscribed to her show, except
she offended me
first she says jews aren't sexist
then she illustrates the opposite
with that whole yes-dear-stuff
i can't/won't/don't want/am offended by that model

sometimes i think you have never believed me when i say that kinda stuff

i'm not gonna feminine wiles you
or dominate you
[you know what i mean]
if you want that
if you need that
there are others more suited

generally
if i tell you what i need
[and generally i will]
i am trying to tell you something important about me
i'm not going to demand that you do it
but i will probably feel like you don't care what i need
if you don't respond
if you can't do something then you can't
if you don't want to then you don't want to
if you need to negotiate
that's all good
the goal would be:
everyone gets all their needs met
then wants, desires, and fantasies can be arranged

i have been trying to meet your needs
to the best of my ability and perceptions
i have not been sure what they are for most of the time

and, the thing is
i believe in you
and i don't mean to tell you what i need
only to play keep away
and not allow you to give me what i need
i need you to understand
that i'm not doing that
have not done that
have no plans to do that in the future

so
if i don't do something
you want me to do
especially if you know i want that too
if i am not
somewhere you know we both want me to be

know 
with the certainty of our souls
that it's not some wicked caprice

i want you
i want to hold you
i want to rub your back when it hurts
i want to give you chicken soup [or equivalent] when you're sick
i want to comfort you when you feel bad or scared or sad
i want to hold you from a distance when you need to process
i want you to be the first thing i see in the morning
the last thing at night
i want you to be
my lover
my friend
my family
for real

this is not a poem

this is a wish

that you are safe and warm and happy

wherever you are

i want like crazy

for one of your hugs

looming is bad right now

i don't know if it's just me

so you be careful

bakersfield sound

tumbleweeds
where giants fear to tread
hold the key to alien abduction

fish entrails and chicken bones
flag the santa ana winds
a slurpee machine in bakersfield
the second coming
up
at first light
after a night of switchbacks

you got a hook up with that, mary jane
i refuse to answer that
that means you do
wrap yourself in that ayahuasca vine and yell fire

i just want to say out loud
you're the love of my life
i have no response to that

let x = x mutherfucker

and the butterflies danced with you
and the flutterbys
fashionista in floorlength leather
for this i paid sixty bucks

back on the one
linda's seabreeze
through my tears
conversion to hampton inn
right there on the road to damascus

the seeds of change drew back
the continental shelf
would have run
but the gypsy
told me hold to the sea

lashed to the mast

to rust unburnish'd
not to shine in use
as tho' to breathe were life

oh brother
where art thou

there are gonna be more of these

i'm gonna write you a whole series

i hope you liked it
i hope you're not disappointed
the last line
of the last one
it is intended to have multiple meanings
but it's not intended to be depress/ing

hey
what kind of poet am i anyway
maybe
maybe i'm not exactly a poet

i love you a bunch you know

above the tree line

the sky
glows
neon
the caribou
wear parkas
pocketing an oosik for luck

counting coup
against your collar bone
like the cards foretold

dance with me
and talk about love
for even here there is pizza pie
beer
and talk of space junk
amalgam eiffel tower trinkets
and
i know you
you get thinner every day

silent gastropod
slips me the foot

snowshoe rabbits
stare
noses twitching
with lop-eared longing looks
i plumb my pockets
for carrot

finding only rupees, rubles
rumpelstilzchen, rumpelstilzchen, rumpelstilzchen


brother can you spare a dime

i love you

more later