trying on hats

i was trying on
some hats
or
caps
really
i don't tend to think
i look good in most hats
but i like them so i keep trying
cause i think maybe they might, ya know
and sometimes they do look good
and sometimes
sometimes i buy one
but then it's too funky
or anachronistic or whatever
so then i never wear it
just baseball caps, sometimes

anyway
i was trying on these caps
not ball caps
the kind i've seen some other girls wear
and i don't like them on them
so i don't even know
why
i was trying them on
just for comparison
i guess

and this girl was with me
i sorta don't like her
she's sorta a bitch
but what're ya gonna do

i asked her:
how does this hat look on me
bad huh

and she was all like:
no it's good

and i'm all:
do i look like a hipster

and shes:
more like maria von trapp from the sound of music

that thyroid stuff really works

i've been taking it
like three days
and i've lost six pounds
i'm opening the capsules
under my tongue
first thing in the morning
and they have dessicated glandular stuff
with rosemary
(and other stuff)
they kinda remind me of liver
but i have to take them on an empty stomach
and i know it takes capsules
more than 30 minutes to dissolve
and i eat breakfast now-a-days
so i gotta do it that way

but
i'm very excited
i am now
thirty pounds thinner than you have ever seen me
which is not to say thin
definitely a ways to go still
but i'm pretty pleased with the progress

and you should see my skin

i mean
it's not twenty year old skin

but it makes me smile anyway

and
how is it that when i was a kid
i had a posed smile i could do for pictures
but now i don't
i just have my real smile
and it squnches up my whole face
how the hell am i gonna get any head shots

i'm not sure that the dream is as interesting as the vision

in the dream
there was a wedding
and then there was some bizarre game
where everyone played in traffic
but the traffic was somehow in a field
and the end result was a disturbing number
of mutilated corpses
that needed to be
cleaned away
the bride
sat
dead
still
beautiful

and
i have no idea what any of that meant
but i have watched a few episodes of walking dead
which manages to be really visually excellent
which i would not have thought possible
so maybe that's influencing

but the reishi
i don't know
it's effecting my brain
when i was on anti-depressants
everything was always going to be fine
almost to the point where i could have been
looking at a severed limb and think:
wow
now i'll be able to lay on my side so much more comfortably
but
it was excellent as a short term thing
because it let me
bounce myself out of the grooves in my brain
it let me see how it was not to be
depressed
and when i went off em
i learned that it was maybe the anxiety
which i hadn't really realized i had
which was the bigger problem

and
when i was on weed
i spun myself out into the fabric of the universe
to the point where
i really felt i could astrally project myself
to where you were
see things with you
have you in my head
i had visions
but sometimes
sometimes
i couldn't remember the names of people i knew
i was literally too far out

then
through detoxifying my body
then learning to trust what it tells me
i've had this whole energetic burst
but
there hasn't been much interface
with the universal consciousness
out there
it's all been closer
electricity running through me
spontaneous energy orgasms
but i have very little success with masturbation
which
(to be honest)
i rarely even try
anymore
it's much less satisfying
than the energy orgasms i'm having spontaneously
and
for some reason
i can't have multiples when i'm masturbating
(no energy loop maybe?)
and the singles feel more like a body function
so they make me a little sad

there was a time
when i was convinced
(and i wasn't on weed for this)
that you were sending me thoughts
and i would run to the shower
convinced that you were there with me
in spirit
lean into the wall
and bite my arm to muffle the screams

and
what the reishi is doing
is something like
if the anti-depressants were a sane thing
everything is a little more meta
and it's not like:
oh everything is all okay
it's more like:
maybe
maybe that all was sort of just me
not that you don't exist
not even that you don't think things at me
but
maybe it isn't really a two way thing exactly
what would that mean about me
and my capacity for 3D fantasy
and how could i actively engage with that

does that make sense

not like an:
omg i've just been mind-fucking myself
i'm clearly delusional
why does this have to come from outside myself
i'm such a loser

which is how i might have looked at it

more like:
i'm uninvested in the answers
because if i'm crazy
or have superpowers
or the ways those things manifest have changed
i'd like to use the information to have a lucid experience

i got a thyroid supplement
because i have actually known i had low thyroid activity
most of my life
but it was never low enough to medicate
and i wouldn't really want to medicate
but i decided it needed attention
and i think that decision was the reishi talking
not just the desire to have lost 100 pounds

blah blah blah
the visions are thin on the ground
generally
but last night
i had a sort of visitation
which could totally be the state between awake and asleep
but i had something that felt real
it was my son
and i was calling him zeke
which is a name i've always really liked
but it's not like i thought:
oh i'll call him zeke
i'm not even sure if i'd name him zeke
(it rhymes with geek
is that really wise)
but somehow that was his name
and he hovered around me
and then he went inside me
like:
here's a little preview for both of us
of how gestation might feel
we'll be psychically linked
only it wasn't words or anything
it was very strange but cool
he's really old but really new at the same time
and maybe
he's just a
potential reality
can't say
if so
he wants to be potentiated
he sought me out
bonded with me
but there is an element of fantasy
at least after the fact
because i see him now
[in my mind's eye]
with your beautiful soulful eyes
and that floppy green hat

this holds the spot for something i haven't written yet

there's a lot going on in there
(my head i mean)
and i have to get up early
i feel altered by the reishi
and lack of sleep
so we'll see
if
i dream

i'm reading this again today

and
i'm sorry
if it's scary
on oh so many levels

i don't mean for it to be

i just know that i can be difficult

i wasn't trying to make you the keeper of my

experience


what i was trying to say
was more like:

it's okay to tell me

you don't ever need to just shut down and tune out


or whatever
does that make sense

i would never say:

make it stay this way forever

it hasn't even been the same way for this amount of time

whatever

i need to shut up

i'm not sure if this is interesting

i ordered this slightly freaky food

dried hunza apricots
apricot kernel butter
reishi/shilajit/ormus tea

and i totally love them

i was going to do this cleanse
but i couldn't get all the elements together
and maybe, too, it was a little too weird

so
what i've ended up doing:

toast (hemp or multi-grain)
with apricot kernel butter
unfortunately
it needs a buttery flavor to make it delicious
so i'm cheating with smart balance light
my original plan was to eat it on celery
which tasted pretty disgusting as a combination
i love celery now, weird huh, didn't used to

i read this thing
about how cancer is really like
scurvy or pernicious anemia
(a metabolic illness)
and the remedy is B17
(which might be true, or not, can't say)
and we get B17 from seeds and pits and kernels
which we pretty much never eat

so i'm doing the toast thing for breakfast
the dried apricots and celery for snack or lunch
depending
i've got to figure out something to go on the celery
i don't like peanut butter
and i cannot have hummus with every meal
i mean
i could but i'm trying not to
i have my eye on this fermented kelp product i just found
and black sesame butter
but i don't have them yet

the tea tastes kind of like coffee, kind of
but i've been mixing the powder
(it's a powder)
into my pu'ehr tea
and i love it
hopefully it won't overstimulate my spleen or whatever

and i sometimes find myself
thinking
of special foods
i imagine would be extra special healing for you
which, for me, is maybe freakishly domestic
but then i think:
he probably won't want to eat for healing
which makes me sad
because i'm a believer

but that whole wanting to make you special food stuff
scares me, to be honest
i've never never ever not once in my life
had a relationship where i did that type of thing
i've done it (sometimes) for myself
but the idea that my desirability as a mate
might rest on having the dinner ready at a particular time
freaks me the fuck out


and i generated all of that
it came from
wanting to do for you

which i want you to let me
but not that you demand it of me
and would you
my gut feeling is no
or yes
what i mean is
that you'd kinda roll with it
that you know too
how that stuff
can be a comfort and a joy
when it comes from love and fun
but that it's a cold comfort trap
when it becomes an institution

mostly
mostly i don't think about that kind of stuff
mostly
i have focused on whether we will be compatible
in other ways
the ones i think are way more important

but i was thinking the other day
and i want to tell you:
the normal average person does not get to have
the moon-eyed goofy teen-aged quaking type of love
for years with the same person
they do not get to develop that love
so that life becomes a story
that you want to read the next chapter
that you never want to end
and i've had that
and i don't know
how much of that was me
how much of that was you
how much of that was fate
i question my sanity
frequently
but i never question
whatever this is
and i'm serious
whatever it is
i don't want it to ever end

so do me a solid
and don't ever let me ruin it
ok

i'm not sure when or where this started

i know
the origin
of some of the bits
but it would take too long

and i'm not one hundred percent sure where
this might all take place, i mean, it seems
to be near the sea, but it seems to be some
where desert-y

and the house is stucco or something like it
a long rectangular room
fireplace
kilim rugs
a large dog
maybe a wolfhound
or something like
the house is on a promontory
and it's the kind of deserted landscape
where one leaves the doors open
and the wind whips through

i have angora goats
i make cheese from the milk
there are fig trees
and i have a small garden

my dog and i
take long walks along the sea
which is not an ocean with big rolling waves

there is almost no furniture in the house
i think there's a long table against one wall
the kitchen and bathroom are
i think
physically separated
from the room which is the rest of the house
and the bed
is a built in niche
that separates the big room
from a small study
that you only reach by getting out the other side of the bed
i don't know if that describes it
the bed is draped off too

it's very stark
and
solitary
and i think i only go into town
every once in a while
to sell wool
or cheese
or pick up supplies

and
now that i'm thinking about it
there doesn't seem to be any obvious way
to incorporate other people into the fantasy

do you suppose
that really
it's more of
an inner landscape

or do you suppose
that i really
am
that much
of a hermit

i have been thinking about my dream life and wondering if i'd be any good at it-- i'm gonna go take a bath and come up with something coherent

to say about that
or
possibly
something else entirely