i found this, and since i threw out the whole dom thing a while back...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeidIZvh7zg

i don't enjoy psychological control
so i can't see myself as a dom
or a sub
for that matter

i was very attracted to the concept
of negotiation
and consent

i like the aspect of role play that brings out
the bits and pieces of who one is
but the idea of scripting
doesn't seem improv enough to be real life like
but the idea
just the idea
of knowing
exactly what a lover needs
not so much physically, really
i mean to work through something
or get at some layer of desire or kink or whatever

that seems to me to be the opposite of psychological control
but maybe it's not
maybe that is some sort of control
i don't know

i haven't really done as much of that
as i think i'd like
but i don't want
ever
to feel like i'm forcing anything
i find that like a super yuck

but you see the perspective, right


i have had a few submission fantasies
well, no, maybe just one
that i would call actual submission
and it's very halloween actually
i've had it since i was maybe 13 or so
before i read the claiming of sleeping beauty series
i'm in a ritual
with witches
running in circles
dancing around a fire
and they pick me up
bodily
i've completely submitted to the frenzy
and they impale me on
it varies

strangely
when i was in germany
in some museum i now can't remember which
there was this carved wooden sculpture
with an enormous phallus
and i had this really strong reaction to it
like i recognized it
like it was calling to me

i dreamed i was in college, again, but i was all buying tshirts and halloween cookies and taking comfort in p.e.--weird, huh

was that last dream too freaky and intense

what does it mean when you dream about shampoo

this was a very
i don't want to say pleasant
because pleasant is so banal
and what i mean to say
i woke up with good feelings about it
even though
there are
things
it connects to
that arc across my mind like a splatter map

i have a history with shampoo dreams

you know how some people have the dream of teeth falling out

well, i had the dream of the nair in the shampoo


but this dream didn't call that back at all
i was in a really large
beautiful shower
which reminded me of somewhere
just off the edge of the horizon of identification
a little like the gym
(but not really)
a little like the place i stayed once in big sur
with the heated stone floor
and the fireplace
i don't know if it was off season pricing or what
but i seriously thought:
man this is like where you'd stay on your honeymoon, or some shit

whatever

it was a really nice shower
in no way dirty or broken or with people looking in at me
like i might expect from my subconscious mind

the shampoo was wonderful
and i have been using this liquid soap lately
that might be influencing this part
it has volcanic ash and goji and acai because it's detox
but it's beautiful
smells beautiful
whatever

but, in the dream, it's a shampoo
and i'm listening
as i lather
to the radio

this woman is talking about
how she had never washed her baby daughter's hair
until she was like a year old
she just used water
because
the experts told her
shampoo was too harsh
but she found this shampoo
(which i believe was the one i was using in the dream)
and she wished she had found it sooner
because she thought her daughter's hair
might be better today
if she had been using it all along
and i'm all like:
yeah, i coulda told you that

which is strangely like a commercial

and
there are all these mixed feelings
longing, ambivalence, doubt, jealousy
that go along with this mother daughter action
almost like i know this woman
even though she's just on the radio
it's like i hate this woman for having something, that
let's be honest
i'm not sure i can really have
but
at the same time
i push it away
i distance myself from it
make myself all superior
in a kind of unattractive way

but i'm not feeling any of that stuff
i just know about it intellectually
what i'm feeling
is the shampoo
the feel of it
the smell
the beautiful shower
all that other stuff is on the radio

maybe it's just that i got a new mineral water that
as it turns out contains
lithium

maybe
i'm letting go of some stuff
i'm never gonna be one of those ivf women
but i've made a lot of changes on the back of being a worthy vessel
and there's a big part of my rational mind that needs to know
that i don't just implode
if what i'm being led to
doesn't turn out to be what i thought
that i'm not some hollow shell of broken-ness
that can pull her shit together for the love of some other
that's going to fill the empty space
but can't
or won't
heal herself
for herself

and
i choose to see the joy of cleanliness
as a really good sign
all that other stuff
it's out there
it's real
but it's not in me
it's just a voice on the radio

i'll have to add to this later

i don't really have time to do this properly right now
but i want to get some stuff down before it's gone
i've already almost forgotten it

i was working in some office
but there were desk stations
like customer service or something

i was cleaning
and straightening
organizing
whatever
there were stacks of wine spouts
and divided dishes that look like boats
like at the japanese restaurant
and wadded up kleenexes
(that's probably because i've been around a lot of sick people recently)
and i'm trying not to get sick
but i feel my space is contaminated

and i was talking to this woman
and she said:
i love sweden
there are 68 husbands for every 100 men
whatever that means
but then she started talking about you
specifically
all the little things she found physically attractive about you
and it made me
i won't say exactly jealous
cause she's got every right to worship you
like everyone else
but it did make me all like:
yeah yeah next topic
i don't wanna hear this
and besides
it's not even about that

but then i couldn't work
i just kept wandering around
collecting candles
and things to put candles into
i guess
for some big romantic shindig with you

that's what people use candles for right

but they aren't better
it's not better
with that soft candlelight and rose petal action
i'm not about that

i like fire to be
more stark
and

went a few rounds with ernest today-- walking to island in the stream

i decided
to walk to whole foods
and carry my groceries back
which i thought was about 2 miles each way
except i took the long way there, apparently
so it was 4 miles there...

i was listening to island in the stream

and when i came out of whole foods
with my abbreviated groceries
because i was going to have to schlep em

i didn't realize i had gone 4 miles
i just felt really bad about myself
because
i didn't think
i could do that again

so i thought
well
there's a bus stop about a mile away
i'll just walk there
feeling really bad about being a failure

but
on the way to the bus stop
davey wrestled the fish for 5 hours
i cried

so when i got to the bus stop
i was like:
really
after that
you're gonna prove yourself a pussy

so i walked the rest of the way
which
the way i went back
was only 2
carrying
maybe 20

last night's dream was like some sorta project for my subconscious

there was this kid
late teens or early twenties
he was some sort of
chosen one
or future superhero
i kept seeing him
almost as a cartoon
in stealth mode
blending into his surroundings

he lived with these old old arabic men
who mostly never talked
they might have been brothers
or they might not
and i'm not really sure how many of them there were
there was a phone call:
happy 50th anniversary
but the wife had left long ago
and he'd never mentioned it to his friend and family
didn't answer them now
just nodded and hung up the phone

another man was being tortured to reveal the location of the kid
first they cut notched doilies from his ears
then they burned him with a red hot poker
then they destroyed his genitals
and when he didn't talk then
they shot him in the head
and the kid was outside watching
his body the starry sky


wow, i said, i need to figure out the back story on the protectors
so i went to the information center
there weren't any computers anymore
the center took it's place
but i didn't really understand how it worked
i went in
there were childcraft yearbook encyclopedias
and other amazing detritus
i sat down
this woman sat down next to me
she started telling me about this magazine she had
it didn't sound like it had anything i could use
but she wanted to sell it bad
she wanted 54 cents
so i gave it to her
and she's all like:
not like that they'll see
but i was not hip, because, like i said, i didn't understand how it worked
they saw
she said:
keep it
and ran out
i started looking around to see how to fix whatever i'd done
the center controlled information
and they'd sell you an article for 6 dollars
copied
you couldn't buy the magazines at any price
they were brought in to the center
by desperate people who would trade them for drugs
or violent criminals who used their collection
as an excuse for their violence
and were rewarded in some way by the center
i walked out
and it was like they could smell the magazine on me
i'm not sure if i made it through alive


there was a further exploration of the world
there was a coffee shop run out of an old victorian row house
and i was discussing business with a customer
i had these popsicle things i thought would be a huge success

there was another part
to do with a restaurant
more like a dining hall
which reminded me of
the macrobiotic center the hare krishnas ran where i'm from
but i can't remember most of it
i remember i found a cafeteria line
at an adjacent building
that had egg custard
which was my favorite dessert as a kid
but there was a bunch of really good information
about how the world worked
that i just can't remember


and then i was running
and screaming
and jumping
because i was so excited
because it was snowing

the maid of the mist was a landmark on the 10

i was riding with this chick
who
in the dream
i knew
she was driving
we were on the 10
in california
i'm not sure
california has
for me
all these very distinct vibes
it was past the desert part
which i find beautiful
especially in the morning
the towns mar it up a bit more than seems
strictly speaking
necessary
but that long stretch
where you're like
holy fuck
am i gonna run out of gas
is amazing
(as long as you actually got gas)
then
it enters this phase
which is distinctly suburb-y to me
it reminds me of the 101
up by salinas
not like the parts of the 101
that run
through old farmland
that has a completely different vibe
anyway
suburban 10
but
i'm pretty sure
that part
is before you get to san bernadino
where it starts feeling more like
the suburbs
i'm used to
on steroids
with air you can't see through
so maybe
it's more of an inland empire thing
than
strictly speaking
a suburban thing
there's some traffic usually
and all these bits
where you can scrape off
to different places
than you mean to go
and
i don't like to stop
because
i worry
i'll end up on the wrong bit
before the thing i'd call a valley
which probably isn't one
where everyone drives 100 mph
so i'm guessing there's never any CHP there
i've driven through that
when shit was on fire
it's beautiful
and it's shortly after that
when i usually stop
at ihop or somewhere
in
i wanna say
west covina
to let the traffic die down
before driving in to the city
so i guess
i'm dreaming about the california highway system
which is not usual for me
but
it was at that first place
maybe around redlands
that the maid of the mist appeared
off the side of the highway
enormous
at the top of a pole
canoe and all
how had i never seen her before
she was the landmark
we were changing highways
and i wanted to drive on through
but
that chick was all like:
we have already gone 700 miles today
we are stopping for the night


i don't know what to make of all that
usually
in dreams
the freeways
and streets
and whatever
are different
from things in the real world

and where would that put us heading
big bear
barstow
the cajon pass

and 700 miles
that puts us starting out from
roughly
el paso

i don't know

maybe the more important question:
why is this other chick driving
oh
because she knew the way
i had never seen
the big giant indian princess
any time
i'd driven by

maybe it's telling me to read the signs

i don't really understand the dosha system, but i dreamed i was drinking this beautiful red wine and it was called dosha

stuff and more stuff

i had this dream last night
i don't think it meant anything
i mean
i don't think it's trying to tell me anything
but
when i woke up
i had this strong sense
that it needed to be a short story
somehow
although
it doesn't seem to lend itself to linear storytelling

this woman is studying a czechoslovakian film
and she gets drawn into the story
which seems
in some ways
anachronistic
so she starts relating it to other things
so
i think
it's mostly
her
talking to herself
but i'm not sure
that doesn't seem like much of a story
but
maybe it is
i don't know what she thinks yet
she's a character

one of the characters in the film
he raises horses
and he has some theory categorizing them by personality type

he's talking to an older woman
who seems to be a politician

in the early morning hours
after a fundraising type event
they seem as though they might
be hooking up
and the woman says:
my supporters are going to miss breakfast

or something like that


the character watching the film
is watching it late at night
on some sort of goggles
there is an overlay of annotation
or commentary
or something
compressed like subtitles
and they are complicating her viewing
rather than making it clearer

she's sitting at a table
and there is a man
maybe her boyfriend
at first snoring
then sleepily talking to her
from the bed nearby
it is a small apartment

and
somehow
i have to work
3 billy goats gruff into the story
i can't really remember that story
i think
i'm confusing it with the bremen musicians
which i also don't remember that well
i don't know why i think i must work that in


what i don't have
that seems like it should be the central thing
is what the hell the story is telling
shouldn't that be important
why am i telling this story
what is it's point
i don't know
i just feel
like
it is a story i'm supposed to write

weird, huh