my dreams last night: tempted by brownies, the first smell of tannenbaum, and sherlock holmes in french

for the last week at least

i have been having these
really densely packed dreams
lots of symbolism
lots of information
weird and new
but
when i wake up
i can't remember them
for long enough
to record them

now maybe
that's because
i'm working things out
and i don't want to know all the details
or maybe
there's some other reason
i know they are vaguely upsetting in some way
as i'm waking up
i'm always thinking:
wow, i really need to think about that

now
i can still remember fragments
from last night's dream
so i'm trying to get them down, now

i'm not sure what order these things were in the dream
and i'm not sure if it matters
but here goes

the first thing i remember was i got a job as a waitress
but there was something odd about it
i was in a team with three other people
all of whom i knew from before
like maybe
the waitress thing was a cover job
and i was away somewhere
so my grandfather had to get my uniform for me
and i was worried that it wouldn't fit right
but it did
it was a dress
and that, at first, made me worry that it would be too short
especially since it had a vaguely cheerleaderish skirt
(like big box pleats)
but, in fact, it came to just below the knee
so not too bad
but it was white
so then i looked at what the rest of my group was wearing
the guys had black pants and jackets
the other girl had khaki pants and like a long sleeved
whatever you call those pullover izod-type shirts
so, i didn't like her get-up better
but my immediate reaction:
why am i the only one pants-less
and that's all i remember of that bit

there was another section
i'm in a language class
but i can't tell what the language is
and the instructor
there's something she really likes about the way i translate
but i'm not actually getting it right
which i don't really understand
if it's wrong
then what's so charming or whatever about it
and i'm talking to guys
who remind me of guys i knew in college
maybe a little bit like peter pfeiffer
(herr professor doktor)
who populated many many fantasies
circa 1990
the youngest absent-minded professor there ever was
with a wife who never spoke
who had actually lived for a few years in iowa
which i had not previously believed really existed
i mean, i know we see the primaries and all
but it always seemed such a strange place
exotic even
the whole midwest, really
that i didn't really believe it was there
until i had an eye witness
that's all i can remember from that part

in the last bit i remember
i was working on building a booth
for a huge outdoor festival
there were different sections
each a big loop
and this car drove up the road
and right down the dirt pathway
to the construction site
and i ran after their car screaming:
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
finally i got their attention
and they stopped
you can't park here, i said, this area
this area is restricted to exhibitors
well, where am i supposed to park
says the driver/dad with a family full car
the only place in this area is the last entry
the one you just passed before this one, i say
but really it would be better to go back to the visitor's parking
you'll have better access there
no, he says, we want to park here
and if you don't want me to
then you can just get in the car and show me where this other parking is
and then you'll bring me back here, i ask getting into the car
no, he says, you can walk back, starting up the car and pulling out
but i don't have time for that
and beside WTF
and it's starting to rain
so i jump out of the car
and roll away on the grass at the side of the road

i have no idea what to make of all that
but they've all been kinda something like that recently
but then i can't remember them
it's driving me nuts

warning: graphic female content

i had been having that surging i told you about before
and, truthfully, i can't isolate the cause to one thing
but it seemed kinda out of place
in the absence of any direct stimuli
and by yesterday afternoon
it was so distracting
that i had to go take a shower
and i'm thinking:
wow
something i'm eating or taking as a supplement
is really revving things up
or some combination of things
but today
today i know exactly what it was
though still not why exactly


here's some girl-type background, sorry
i have always hated happy happy blood time
i thought it was a crappy deal when i was eleven
and i never really changed that attitude
but it always gave me a heads up before it started
from eleven until my mid-twenties i got an unexplained
pain in my lower back
i'd be like:
what did i lift
and then i'd be like:
oh, yeah, right
because even though it was always like uber regular
it's not like i was keeping track or anything
because i was pretending that
if i ignored it
it might go away
and, i'm sorry for the graphic detail, it was always 30 days
so it would be
most months
on the same numeric date
but i still needed the heads up-- go figure
well, in my mid-twenties, it changed
and i don't know how much you know about the female cycle
the hormones
but right before happy happy blood time
there is a BIG progesterone flood
which would trigger like ravenous sex drive
which became my new heads up
but some time after my little biological clock disappointments
the whole thing switched
it wasn't 30 days anymore
it was "irregular"
which it really wasn't but it took me years to figure that out
i'd expect it on day 30
it would be late
late enough that i'd worry
buy a pregnancy test
not be pregnant
then start
a couple days later
which when i bothered to check it out
was 40 days (still regular)
well, fewer periods were fine with me
great, in fact


that surging i was feeling
it was progesterone
today is day 32


and i just went back and read about hormones again
and it is possible
that i am not quite right about it
i distinctly remember
at the time
being convinced that it was progesterone
but, really, i don't care what it's called
it's responding
the way it did when i was like 25

i had a very strange dream last night which i'm trying to remember and write

this is not it
this is just some thoughts
related to it

for the last few days
i've had this
it's hard to explain
like, surging
very sexual in nature
which i used to get pretty regularly
but i haven't for a while
so i'm like reviewing everything i'm eating
for aphrodisiac properties

oh, wait, ok, i forgot about one
ok, holy crap

anyway
aside from the overtly sexual stuff in the dream
which seemed to be not so much about sex, exactly
there was this weirdly unsettling part
where people
are biting into
what look like
(but are not, actually)
baby heads
and getting these big long spiny fish
and eating them
and that part
that part was extremely sexual
and it's kinda freaking me out
so
ok
that part was actually in the dream
but there was more than just that