the key was jammed into the wood of the door

i had this dream
i was living in an apartment
in an old building that had been renovated
i had a roommate
and we were discussing how to change things
we had not just a vacuum and a carpet shampooer
but also two other devices that looked the same
and i hate the way those look sitting around
and in the dream i found a way to put them between the sofa and the wall
when in real life i do not have a sofa
there was much of that:
what pictures should go where type of thing
and then
i had an appointment with someone
i can't remember how i got the appointment
or just what the context was
but the place i had to go was in my same building
the door i was looking for
had a key-- like an old skeleton key-- jammed into the wood of the door
the apartment had not been renovated
it was amazing
the front room had records on shelves along one wall
and an odd assortment of collected items on a perpendicular wall
the ceiling was dropped in this area creating an alcove
perfect for sitting on the floor
then there was an iron frame bed
and a table with two chairs
but it was a pretty big room
then, on the right was a library or study
and on the left was a kitchen
with a stove that seemed like 1930s futurism
it curved
it had a hinged lid that lifted up
and it had a zillion jets of fire continually going
it looked a little like one of those giant 1930s automobiles
then there was the dining room
there was a steam table (also 1930s)
with a deep well of boiling hot water
i must not have seen the bathroom
the whole place was wood
wood floors, wood walls, wood shelves
the appliances were enamel over steel
i fell in love with the apartment
and then the guy showed up that i had the appointment with
he was very tall
and thin
and i think he was supernatural in some way
i know i knew a lot more about him
but i can't remember now
i started staying at his place
i think i was in love with him
but i know i was in love with his place
i would pick up his weird collection of objects
and make up stories in my head about how he acquired them
and then one day
this asian guy shows up
and really
it turns out to have been his place all along
he'd been letting the other guy use his place
but now he was back
and i was confused
because the place was so intimately connected to my feelings
i wasn't sure who i loved now
does that make sense
and the asian guy (sorry, don't know his name) he sat down
i was on the bed and he pulled the table around
so it was between the bed and his chair, distancing maybe
or maybe trying to be business-like
but, suddenly then, i had a thought:
you're him, aren't you, i asked
somehow you are the same person
even though you look completely different
even though you're telling me different
excuse me, he said, and went out into the hallway
and i heard him talking to someone:
she's going to figure it all out
she knows too much already

i smell plaid and paperwhites

in that dream nearly a week ago
i was talking to my cousin about tuberose
it's not actually a type of rose, i said
it's more like paperwhite but it doesn't smell as bad
i can't actually remember what tuberose smells like
but paperwhites smell that kinda sickly sweet smell
like when there's something rotting, at least to me
strangely there were silk flowers everywhere
but they looked really real
and she kept asking me
one by one
whether they were real or not
then
for some reason i felt my abdomen
and i could feel my ovaries
not in a realistic way
they were large and firm
they were a lot like a budding bulb
or some sort of sprouts
and my feeling at the time, in the dream
was that they were healthy and full
there was more to the dream
involving male members of my family
which i found disconcerting
but which i cannot now recall
and i wondered if perhaps i had misinterpreted
maybe it was a warning against tubal pregnancy (ectopic)
and i have since considered that
the last time i saw my cousin was right after
her daughter was born
so i don't really know what it meant
oh
and there was a masturbatory section to the dream as well


within the last few days
i dreamed some very complicated ceremony
with these druid dudes
and they kept giving in little by little
to something like the devil
but it was for the good
and i was supporting myself in a door frame
stretched in kind of an X
and finally
once they had done just enough ceremony
i was penetrated from behind
and then the toilet exploded


there was another
i was in a hotel room
with two other couples and a man i was with
we each had three pills: a pain pill, a sleeping pill, and something else
and the man asked me to get his pills for him
i said: i'm not sure i can walk
because i had already taken mine
but i got up and went to the counter
one of the women asked me to give her her cigarettes
the upper half of the wall was window
and as i walked by i looked out
there was water at the window level
it had rained so much it was flooding
i woke up
and i had a pinched nerve in my leg
and i thought: oh shit
and went back to sleep
when i woke up again it was back to normal


last night
i was following you around to different dances
but i never got to dance with you
i think there was a lot to that part but i don't remember
then i was at a concert
there were these two guys playing together
which they didn't, normally
one looked kinda like your uncle buddy
not my uncle buddy (who, come to think of it is actually my second cousin)
he's a six foot six private detective who was doing time for wire tapping and conspiracy to commit murder
anyway so the uncle buddy is the one who wrote the songs
and the younger guy is singing them with him
this one song
they are singing in rounds
and it's captivating me how differently the lyrics sound
the different meaning they each give just by tone and inflection
and suddenly i am seeing the lyrics
like i'm looking them up on the internet
but i am still in the theater
the bridge is in japanese
and i am wondering why this guy has japanese in his song
when suddenly he is sitting right next to me
he seems drunk
and i'm not sure if he's flirting with me or what
but he asks me three separate times like he can't remember that he asked before:
do you see those, do you know what they are, what do you think
pointing at these round things hanging from the ceiling
i do see them
at first i think they are lights or lanterns
but they are actually balloons
but i don't know what i'm supposed to think about them
so i say:
they seem to still have buoyancy
which then seems odd to say because they are hanging from the ceiling
not floating up to the ceiling
then, suddenly, the announcer is saying the show is over
and buddy is kinda pissed that he was out talking to me
he thought he was giving the other guy a chance
and that he was going right back
but now the show seems to be over
i am in the front row on the side, flanking the stage
so he just jumps up and gets right back on
and across the room i see you when you stand up
you've been sitting in the center section about half way back
i had no idea you were here but you saw me talking to buddy
and now you're leaving and i can't get to you
you have on this huge black and white plaid flannel shirt
open like a jacket over your t-shirt
it's kinda hanging on you artfully
and i think about how beautiful you are
and then you turn and walk away

this is not a dream, this is random information i feel the need to share, apparently

when i was like 24
i had one of those tests done
the kind that tells you how much of you
is bone and muscle and guts
(ie not fat)
which test i repeated about 4 years ago
with identical results
so i'm gonna say that's a constant for me
probably hasn't changed much
i have 155 pounds of bone and muscle and guts
which is a lot
for a girl
now
i'm not saying that my percentage fat isn't too high
i'm not saying i'm just big bone-ded
not at all
and
whenever i think of it
i think
what i'd like to do
is get down to 15 percent fat
that's like an athlete for a woman
(although, of course, some athletes are less)
but normal for a woman is like 20-30 percent
so
that means
my ideal weight
would be 178-180 pounds
and
if i wanted to be average
like a 10-12
i'd be 200 pounds

thalia's ping-pong apple tree

it didn't occur to me just how strange that was
until you pointed it out to me:
only you
would meet new people at a reunion
you said after i was trying to describe them to you
they were like the graces
or some other mythological group
whose thing was embodiment
and i needed a hotel for the night
and now i was alone
except
for my cat
i fed him straw
and he bit down hard on the lush green grass
right in front of the motel door
and that's when i realized
that i was only wearing a long t-shirt
so i tugged it down
and went inside to get a room
had a long conversation with the desk clerk
can't really remember it
something, maybe, about soviet cold war spy technology
in the room
the television skid open
for cooking purposes, i think
but just mine apparently
the desk clerk watched me closely
by remote cameras

the other night
i dreamed about all this furniture
none of which stick with me long enough to tell
except
the ping pong table
it was amazing
it folded down
into this antique wicker side-table-sized screen
which reminded me
folded and unfolded
of a table that i realise now, i kinda miss
and i don't know why that's significant
it seems random
but it's too weird not to mean something

and they have this psychological test
where they have you draw a tree
and i found this drawing i did as a child
when i saw it
i remembered
that i always drew my trees that way
when i was a kid
big fluffy green tops
filled with round red apples
with a black hole in the trunk
but the black hole
it was lined in silver
and see
the black hole is supposed to mean damage
but i drew the hole
because something lived in the tree

and i had a vision
and they've been a little thin on the ground lately
it was like i had x-ray vision
i saw the thing living inside the apple tree
but i'm not sure it has anything to do with me