good morning sweetheart
it's been a crazy morning already
hope yours is splendorific

I did a lot of laundry today
I feel like I haven't done more than
emergency laundry
for like two months
and
I'm not gonna lie
there's still laundry to be done
I've acquired more clothes
in the last couple of years
than I've probably ever had before
mostly thrifting
or sort of thrifting
eBay, poshmark
but
some clearance shopping too
I've been trying to figure out
what is my style now
and
I'm still not sure
but
probably
I'll have to sell
or trade
or donate
some of these clothes
if I can figure out who I am now
I feel like
my face looks fatter
but
some of these pants
seem too big
sloppy
and
they didn't seem that way when I got em
so
I'm not really sure what's going on


I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now


can you believe 2018 is almost over
24 months of Tr*~p
and none of that stuff happened
but some other stuff has
(sorry, I don't want to have people find this with his name-- not trying to get that)
can't believe it's still going on
hope it's half over
at least




I thought about getting champagne for new year's eve
but
I think I'm just gonna do margaritas
I like em better
and
I'm not sure what I'm toasting


I'm hoping
things will get better, though
I want things to get better


I haven't been on master class
and they're nagging me on email
I don't like it


not as much as I dislike
eBay or detox market
sending me emails about things
at which I have simply looked
but not
I repeat not
even put in my cart
I looked it it
decided I wasn't interested
never put it on a wish list or watched it
or anything
and then
I get an email that it's ending soon
or almost out of stock
or waiting for me
I really hate
pushy bots

fell asleep in chair
margarita melted
😢
I love you sweetheart

I love you sweetheart
I'm going to bed now
I really should not go down internet rabbit holes and stay up late
I didn't even watch masterclass

i went to dinner with my mom
probably not gonna get to mamet
i am going to watch at least one lesson with
margaret atwood
because it's like a bedtime story
i've been missing it all day
that thing she does with her face
it looks kinda like she's laughing
but there is a little irony
and maybe
just a little
wicked glee

it's kind of addictive

anyway
my mother is reading
i can't remember what she called it
real
not genre fiction (i think)
i'm like
you mean like literary fiction
yes
she says

and
i think
she says
you could write that
with the way you string your words together
but
i say
that is what i have always wanted to write
and you always said that was bad and i should write bestsellers

well
apparently
she has discovered that you win money for literary prizes
and now
you will never believe this

i'm expected to win the nobel prize for literature
uh huh
i mean, it's like a lifetime award
i'm two weeks shy of 52 and i've had nothing published
managed expectations, jeez

anyway
whatever


i love you sweetheart

ok
so 5 lessons of Atwood (well, really 6 because I watched one out of order)
5 chapters of Dan Brown
next
I think I'll watch 5 lessons of David Mamet
but
tomorrow
now I gotta go to bed


I love you sweetheart

dan brown

1) give the reader what they want
in a way they don't see coming


2) what is the world my story inhabits


3) what is this book about


4) what is the moral ambiguity question that is central to the story


5) what is the tension inherent to the world


6) what happens is not important HOW is


[I'm not sure I agree with these points completely, but they are different from what my focus has been]


7) location is a character &/or an inspiration
8) but don't get all tied up in location because people care more about people than places
[this seems like not something I needed to know at all]
9) heroes & villains [I don't think I have a villain and he thinks that's the most important] villain is the catalyst for everything-- I guess that makes you the villain of my thriller 😊

I've watched 6 lessons
I am enjoying it
it's not, so far, telling me
anything I don't know


so
I'm also now watching Dan Brown
I don't think he's a particularly good writer
but
I think some of the problems
I've had with structuring
might be helped
by information
on structuring a thriller
maybe not
but
I have all access
so nothing to lose
yay
but
I really need to go to bed
so
not too many lessons

i did something i'm kinda excited about

you know that masterclass thing
well
i keep looking at it
and i keep saying:  nah, it's too expensive
cause i think it was $90 a class or something
and
i just didn't see a class i needed, ya know
anyway
then on facebook i got an ad in my feed
and it had this video

and

i was like

ok, ya got me. i might need this

and then i read further and found out

special christmas special--

buy one complete access to all their courses for a year $180, and

get one free to give as a gift

ok

i'm not sure how i could be expected to pass that up

i'm gonna give the gift one to my mom

today is the last day

and

they have serena teaching tennis, just sayin

but

i think the universewas tellin me it was time

I stayed up late
and when I woke up
I had a bad headache
so I set the alarm for an hour later
and went back to bed
but
I slept through that alarm
so I'm up now
still with a headache
but
I had a bad dream too


I dreamed
this guy was looking for these old
computer programming books
and YAY we had them
but them he was mad we sell them as a set
and they weren't discounted enough
these had old bookstop stickers on them
you knew I worked there, right
so they were discounted
10% or 15%
whatever it was
I don't remember
maybe it was more
maybe it was 20% and bestsellers were 30%
whatever
he felt like they shoulda been less
and the stickers were all faded
so
I was having trouble
looking them up
to tell him the price


he kept trying to explain
what these books were about
and context and history
but
I didn't care
I was just trying to get him outta there
I had shit to do


he could get it cheaper at Costco
he said
then buy it at Costco
I said
they don't have it
he said
I don't set the prices
I said
they are a discount club
we are a store
it's not the same situation


and it was that awkward point
where we want to leave
and there's nothing else to say
but
it feels rude to walk away
because of there expectant body language
but then
if you stay
that just makes them think
there's a chance
and they double down


and people had taken back
cases and cases of wines
but they had just put them
like, wherever
the shelving
which looked so much better than what I actually have
had milk crates (I guess we had to get Starbucks in there somehow)
filled with wine bottles
on their sided
filled with whole cases
or mixed cases
just sitting on whatever shelf had space for it
regardless of whether
that made any sense


and
I was debating whether I should move the two racks closer together
because the Christmas stuff between them sold
but
I was going to have to do a new set for new years
that would only be up a week


honestly
I kinda wish I hadn't gone back to bed


also
my auto correct is doing bizarre stuff
it changes would to soul
which it's been doing for a while
but I think there were a bunch of new ones here
I tried to catch them
but
I prolly didn't and I'm not checking this now
so
sorry if there's somethin crazy
hopefully
context wins out


love you sweetheart

look at this

ok
I had fallen asleep in the chair
pretty seriously
because it was 3 when I woke up and went to bed
but
now I am up


ouch


I'm sorry
I know that's not sexy
and maybe
what I'm supposed to be is sexy
I don't know what to do about that


I love you
more later
after coffee

I decided
I'm not going in early
9hrs is enough
we'll already be open
I won't get my stuff done
I'll just work longer
it's not worth it


and
you will hear from me tomorrow
just not everybody else


I hurt physically
even though I took the 2hr bath
and
I am full of snot
I'm not a pretty picture
I just got out of bed
and
I already want margaritas


one
more
day

goodnight sweetheart
I'm going to bed
I've been falling asleep in the chair
all day
except when I took the two hour bath
I can't keep my eyes open
I guess I'm going in early
but
he has me scheduled
9-6
already
and
I can't do more than 10hrs
I used to could
but now no
so
I guess I'm going at 8
and we open at 7
so I'm not sure if there's any point
but
there was 40% off minis sale today
and i expect it to be tore up pretty bad


and
I haven't made any sort of plans
with my mother
so
imma have to call her
I can not deal
cannot have dinner with her tomorrow
as is our tradition
and
Xmas is for me
no going anywhere
no friends
no family
just rest
so
I don't know how that's all gonna pan out
I got her a set of dishes
she rarely likes what I get her
but
I think
she's gonna like these
I hope


I will see you in the morning
I love you

ok
well
I think I said no more than 3 hours of work
and it was 4
so
that's pretty good for me
did I tell you I got up at 3
it's absolutely beautiful weather
sunny
breezy
about 60 degrees
and it's early
I should go fo something outside
but
probably
not


love you
hope it's pretty where you are

ok
I got up at 3
so I wouldn't be 7 minutes late
which I was again yesterday
and
I'm about to leave for work
it opens at 8 now
because
I guess
people love to get up at the
butt crack of dawn
to shop
so
two uninterrupted hours
and then
they can't buy alcohol
and I'm not technically working
so hopefully
I cannot be expected to run a register
and
I have no set time
so
when I'm done
I'm done
and
almost all the wine is out
it's just messy
so
hopefully no more than three hours

I hope you're doing well
I'm so so tired
but
what do we say


three
more
days


I love you sweetheart

I should have gone to bed
an hour ago
but
I just had a bunch of fun
I looked on juvia's place
online
I bought the ones I have at ulta
but
online at juvia's place
they're having an end of year sale
50% off
so an eyeshadow palette
that would normally be $40
but at jp is normally $20
is now $10
so I bought more
I may end up depotting them
and just putting
the few I actually use in some kind of palette
although
idk
I might not be able to pull that off
w/o destroying everything
I am very excited
hopefully
they are great
but
the ones I have are really really good
and, anyway


three more days
daze


gotta go to bed
sleep fast
going in at 7 again


love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

the margaritas are coming fast and furious
but
I'm still falling asleep in the chair
I've gotta sleep fast
and get up
at like 4:30
because I'm going in early
to try to get some work done
before the full shift of register
or
maybe it won't be a full shift
more people are scheduled
and
probably no more that 50 cases
coming in
and
he didn't schedule me to work Sunday
which is like a minor miracle
since it is right before Xmas
but
I'm going in
hella early
to get stuff restocked
and
upstocked
and
less looking like a bomb went off 💣
but
I won't have to work a full day register shift
I'm lucky I can still get around 🍀
I'm not doin as well as I feel I should be
but
I'm not taking any supplements either
so
ya know
I'm slow and ache-y when au naturale


anyway
off to bed
I love you sweetheart
four
more
days

good morning sweetheart
I'm running a little rushed
I over slept a bit
good thing there's a hungry kitty
to act as backup alarm clock
have a good day
5 more days

goodnight sweetheart
I stayed up too late again
I gotta go to bed
I love you

i fell asleep in the chair

and i kept almost waking up
and falling back asleep in the chair
i dreamed

about a vampire king
and the day he saw the five women walking through the courtyard
in nothing but blue towels
as foretold
and


i'm losing it

something about makeup

something about a cafe in a small town

but
something else significant
and
i just can't remember

i gotta get up in a few hours
i got chores to do

i love you sweetheart                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

good morning sweetheart
not quite 100 cases coming in today
more like 70
still tired though


hope your day is awesome

goodnight sweetheart
I love you
I have to go to bed
I stayed up too late again

coming in early again
good morning sweetheart

ok
so margaritas for dinner
and
maybe
baby cobra
if it's still available
that made me laugh so hard
 I think
I almost pee'd myself

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

Aaaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!!!


that's all I got
I'm stressed
and exhausted
and my Achilles tendon hurts
and i dont know why
but
I'm limping
and that's not making anything better
I dreamed about a pool
but
it was at dennis' house
and
I kept having stuff I needed to do
and
maybe something about a string
the weather is doing roller coasters again
and I just want off
I can't even tell you what I did yesterday
not laundry
I'm wearing a fucking thong
a thong
not mailing Xmas presents
or wrapping them
I still have to do that
and people calling out
and
just
Aaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!

fell asleep in chair
love you
night-night

i stayed up too late again
and
i got a cat hair or something in my eye
it is very irritated
that rarely happens
it looks really irritated
like there's thick clear eye goo
and it feels much better since that formed
but it looks worse
i can see ok
i sort of panic about my eyes
i worry
they seem fragile to me
i mean they are fragile
but
eyes are not a walk it off thing
ya know

whatever blah blah

i love you sweetheart
imma go to bed now
meet me in dreamland

i love you

so, i bought myself a holly daze present

or rather
it's actually 4 things
but
it's ordered from one place
so i'm considering it one gift, ya know

idk if you realize how much i like makeup brushes
much more than i like makeup, actually
and
i don;t really need any more
but i want them
i watch the fude girl's videos
and, i mean they are kinda slow paced and slightly awkward
not, maybe, the type of thing you'd think i'd watch
but i actually really like them and find them super interesting
so
as a consequence
i have been wanting some koyomo brushes for a while now
but, also
blah blah whole bunch of variables
so rather than trying to reconstruct my search through cdjapan website
i will just show you what i ordered

very excited

this is the first and most important
it is the same shape as the suqqu m brush knock off which i bought on ebay
for some ridiculously cheap price
it's from china
but
i find that i'm using that almost exclusively for eyeshadow

this is the second most important, it is the shape of my chikuhodo T7
which is the brush i like the best for blending out edges
i can apply shadow with it
technically you could do everything with it except line, i guess
but i don't
i only like it for blending out
but i really really like it for that

those two i picked pretty fast
but
i wasn't stopping there
they have a blush and a powder in that same series
but
i don't like goat just especially for those things
i have a synthetic brush i use for blush
it's the only one i currently use
and i went through a bunch of different sizes and shapes
getting one i liked
i ordered it last year
black friday from the body shop
here,since i talked about it
and
for powder
i usually wear mineral powder
and i have a synthetic brush i use for that too
this one here

so
why the need for real hair eye shadow brushes
idk
they just work better for eye shadow

so
i had to think about what would be most useful
and what was most beautiful
and what i wanted to experiment with
and, let me just say
it's not the most user friendly website

not all the brushes i want are available through cdjapan
the three brush i want is not
and there's another one i pinned in face paintings that is not available
well, it is
and so is the suqqu m
but only "by proxy"
and that seems dubious and takes like 6 weeks
besides, too much money
so
i looked around
and i decided on this one to fill that role
i'm not really familiar with this brand
and i'm uncertain whether i think they look cool
or lurid
but the brush is squirrel and sable
and i think i'm gonna love that combination

so
i said
you can get one more
they are pretty good prices on the brushes
the shipping brings it up, some, but still

i had another pinned brush that they had still
but
i found it was in competition with two other brushes
it is made of horse and wooded handled
like it matches (kinda) the blush brush
but
then there was a pony
same color pink as the first two
but different ferrule
or
there was one the same brand as the last one
they were all similar shape
pony and horse might technically be the same material
and this last one is goat
but
slightly more exciting shape
and
really good reviews
and
i was very attracted to it
and two matching brushes seemed
sexier than just the one, which seemed to push it closer to lurid
so i broke down and got this one

i know this is unlikely to be very interesting to you
but
i spent multiple hours on this hunt
and i am super excited to get them
i love presents

it's not a hanukkah present
or a christmas present
it's specifically a holly daze present
because i am feeling
just on the edge
of bah humbug
and i gotta pull out of the spin before it goes there

i'm getting hungry
and i need to go to sleep soon
i think i'm gonna eat my leftover mu shu tofu
and
some ice cream
and call it a night

ok
I've been done about 30 minutes
but
I had to sit down
now
I kinda want breakfast
or
maybe lunch
gotta think about it

alright 5:13
and
to clarify
I didn't tell him I'll be in whenever
I just said
oh, I don't think I can make it by 6
and then didn't specify a time


the reason I'm so wrecked
is
they instituted a new receiving
where ya gotta scan everything
and
the bar codes on the boxes
are supposed to work
but they mostly don't
so
ya gotta open most of the boxes
and scan a bottle
but
of course they're stacked
so ya gotta unstack em
at 40 pounds a box
120 boxes
that's a lotta lifting
before you've put anything away

I love you sweetheart
I'm just having
kinda a rough life right now
I have to go in tomorrow
for a little bit
because
there's a big sale
and Dennis
doesn't understand
that
I've pretty much done it already
he's all like
I'll be here at 6
fucking good for you man
I am not getting up at
3:30 on my day off
and
I move so slow in the morning
that that's pretty much what it comes to
so
imma get up
at 4:30/5
and I'll get there when I can
might be 6
might be 7
might be fucking 8
whatever
I want to be a team player
but
fuck
fuck
my back hurts
I want
I want
I want


good touch


goodnight sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I stayed up too late again
I love you

i stayed up too late
i have to go to bed now
i love you sweetheart

ok
I'm awake
but
that's all
I feel like I've been beaten
and
I have a headache
😢


I was looking back
and
I'm sorry that video was so long
I thought it was about 15 minutes
but
it was actually 45
I guess that's a testament to how interesting I found it
nothing there you need to see


hope your day is going well
I might need to take another
Epsom bath
I really don't want to
but
everything hurts


I love you sweetheart

i said the other day
but
really i think it was this morning
it's nice to think god supports whatever i want to do

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i stumbled across some videos
and
they aren't appropriate to our conversation
but
they made me remember some things
that i don't think i've told you


i had this fascination with the idea
of being a nun

i'm not into the jesus idea
and
maybe ultimately
that's the thing that put me off it

the idea of spending my day in prayer
of dedicating my life to god

those things were appealing
but
nuns--  or at least so i thought
spent their days working
monks seemed to have the really good life
brewing trappist ales
raising bees
cloistering from the world
those things seem good

of course
you don't really choose who you live with
and
how much time do you get alone
plus
you gotta cut off your hair
and you can't have any stuff

there were too many cons to really consider it
even apart from the jesus thing
which
i guess
really has to be a deal breaker

but
there are some convents or monasteries
where you can stay
like renting a room
like travel, i guess
and
i've always thought it would be fun to do that
and earlier version of the trailer in the desert--  writing


i asked god the other day
i had the tarot cards
and i'm like
look
i'm always asking you things
and i don't think i'm asking the right questions
so please
just tell me what you want me to know

and the nine of cups is what came back
the wish card

you will be happy
it seemed to say
that was what i wanted to be when i grew up--  happy
and
i've never quite managed it
i would not say i have ever been happy
i mean
you know, like momentarily, yes
but like
my life is happy
no, never


i almost held my breath and looked at the next card
ace of pentacles

new life

was both specific and vague

i support you, foundationally
do it
live it
be it

i support you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I think I've mentioned before
that I'm geographically dislexic
so
it took me like 40 minutes
 to find the fuckin dps
and then
I couldn't go out the same way I came in
so now
it's been an hour and a half
trying to find my way home
I toured oak Forrest
and the sketchier part of
spring branch
then
spring valley
memorial
tanglewood
and finally home
"uptown" galleria area
quite a journey
I must say
now
I'm done
stick a fork in me
I'm eating Mexican food
for emotional strength
😊 🍴

ok
so
done with that
and all proving I'm a citizen
and such
and
I didn't know to be grateful
for my last picture
but
this one doesn't really look like me
I wish I could get a do over
I look hideous
but
oh well
nobody really looks at drivers license pictures
right?!
but
I'm a little demoralized
about the passport
I may quit this for the day

I'm finished with box
now at DPS
figured I'd just do as much
suck stuff as I can
getting passport pictures next
don't think I'll have time
to get social security card replaced
or make an appointment to
renew expired passport
but
that's gotta be done too
sigh 

I'm going to bed
you are so beautiful

i love you
i hope you're having fun tonight
i wish i could be with you
i'm not sure if you thought i might be
or not

i haven't forgotten that i'm writing you something
i had a dream
that made me want to do something inspired by it
but
it was all hallucinogenic
so

i can't really describe the dream


i have to do that safety deposit box tomorrow
that's the day i have to do it
and since dennis gave me monday off
he asked me
to work at the heights today
because they have a ton of wine
in the back
that isn't even represented out front
and
omg
i am really really sore
i took like a three hour bath
i've only got like 90 pages left of that book
i did tell you i read slow



you might think
idk
that i'm difficult
and i mean, i kinda am
but not with you baby
i try
i've tried really hard
for a long time
and i hope you're not gonna quit me
i think you know
but
in case you don't
you are very precious in my heart


i'm up for some quantum entanglement if you are
i'll be asleep until 5:30a

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart
hope your day is going well
tarot cards say
you're feeling 5 of wands-y about me
like 2 times in a row
not really sure if I should be worried
it can mean strife
or
it can mean competition
I'm gonna interpret it
in a good way
so
if you're mad at me
you'll have to let me know so