goodnight sweetheart

i hope you're having a good time

i love you

'that's metal as hell'

one of my reps came by to help me put the order away
he got a piece of glass in his hand
i felt bad
but i was pretty sure it wasn't my fault
i've been pretty careful to clean up any breakages
but
he thought it came from a case
probably got broken in the truck

i've been cutting myself on non-sharp things, lately
nasty cardboard paper cuts
tearing my skin up on sharp corners of plastic signs
they hurt
but there's not much damage done
since the edges are rough, they heal fast

but
i guess by way of commiserating
or, something like that
i told him about when i was a kid


we lived in this apartment complex
between the apartments
and the baby giant [corner store]
was a bar
it was the kind of bar
where everyone smashes their beer bottles in the parking lot
i don't know what kind of bar that is
but
my daddy sent me to the baby giant
regular
to buy him cigarettes
this is back when you could send your seven year old to buy cigarettes

i only wore shoes
when somebody was making me
so i always walked barefoot across the broken glass
so
pretty regularly
i'd get pieces of glass embedded in the calluses of my feet

and they'd just stay there
until they grew up to the surface
and i picked them out

it was kinda cool
occationally a little uncomfortable
but absolutely no big deal


to which he said
that's metal as hell

which i kinda liked

not tonight, josephine

Venus in winter
chimes in summer
and spring
and
hell, maybe fall too
falling through time
through dreams
delusion
I don't want
another sobbing band aid scene
for my 50th
I want better than that
I want
a god damned adventure
for a life
not
just some little jaunt
I live in a cage
and
I mighta painted myself into this corner
but
you did help
so
if you can't help me get outta it
at least
understand
that you might not
be
the most important thing
I have to worry about


although
I did want you to be


remember
when I told you
you were the love of my life
just wanted to say it aloud
remember that


but
you
would let me get
ten years
into a relationship (?)
and still
not be able to say
one thing real


walking down the street
laughing


what would you do
anything


do you understand
this


not saying it
is driving me mad
wtf
really
how can you look at me
without actually looking at me
origami creature
I'm supposed
to
what

i feel like i've gone down a rabbit hole

I can't send pictures
because
my skin was pretty cleared up
and i was in a hurry
so I just wore the powder I like by itself
but it has salicylic acid in
and it over stimulated
and the little sebum kernels came to the top
and
I'm a picker
but
I'm insane right now
and I made this huge joker looking
contusion thing
which I want to wear makeup over
but then it won't heal
so
I'm still too scary looking
to send pictures
I've been slathering my skin in oil
and
it's looking much better
except for the big scary thing
and still a little forehead
and one cheek


it doesn't really look like a cold sore
unless you don't know what one looks like
and then it does
so
I'm feeling nicely hideous
but
I did this to myself


I'm sure
whatever you're wanting right now
I've not been providing it
but


I figure
by now
you're either
mad
or worried
so
I'm trying to fill you in

good night baby

gotta go to bed
hope you are well
crazy day
hate Christmas

i haven't thought about this in years

but
my mother picked me up in her car
rather than meeting for dinner
she parked
I opened the door
and then I put my hand up in the door frame
to kind of brace myself
because she has an SUV
and I find it awkward
to get in or out


but
as I put my hand in the door frame
up where the top of the window would be
I had a memory
something I haven't thought about in years


when I was
I'm not sure
seven, maybe


I was getting into the car
I was in the car
I had my hand in roughly the same position
she slammed the door shut
slamming my hand in the locked door
got half way around the car
heard my screams
had to come back around
unlock the door
open it


maybe
maybe only one finger was caught
that's not how I remember it
but
only one finger was damaged
she took me to the doctor
and the doctor was all like
well, that was close
you just missed the growth center
then her finger
would have stayed that size
forever


I always kinda grouped this
with my other finger injury
my childhood emergency room visit
other hand, though
maybe a year before
or less
I had been sitting on a
folding wooden stool
left hand this time
in the works
and it collapsed
not latched correctly
or whatever


anyway
it wasn't broken
but
I did have a blood clot under the nail
and they had to drill a hole in it
left pointer finger
it kinda hurt
and it smelled
when they drilled the hole
I got a wonder woman comic book
for being so brave
and it was fine


I lumped them together
my whole life
first digit injury
left, right


but
tonight
for some reason
they differentiated
because


suddenly
it was
she didn't look
she didn't check
she didn't ask
everything inside


suddenly
it was slamming the door
to make sure it was shut good
so it wouldn't whistle
or make a noise
or whatever
but
not
to make sure I didn't
shut myself into the door


it was overwhelming
and
I'd never had that thought before


and
I posted this
and
then realized
you won't know
the wonder woman comic
that was Deborah