i love you

I had very strange dreams last night
I was trying to work out
bus routes
and
all sort of minutia
for this girl
who was working for me
who I wanted to adopt
she had red hair
and she was probably in her early twenties

something popped up
on my phone calendar today
I didn't know it was there
I want to reiterate
I love you very much

something may be wrong with me

I had a rough day at work
and we're having another HR investigation
and when I left work, I had to go wander
I went to tj maxx
I found two good bras
and a really beautifully shaped knit jacket
which may be navy blue
instead of black
but I think I can wear it with black, anyway
and some socks that compress your arch
all for fifty bucks
then I ate middle eastern food
and that was kinda a cheat
because
I know they cook that rice with chicken broth
but it is so good
then I got back here
sat on sofa
fell asleep
staggered to bed about three

just got up now
feel, not so good

thoughts off the grid

you know
i always have it in my mind
that i could build, like a log cabin, or something
because
i helped put in the floor
and
stucco the walls
of the renaissance festival booth
i didn't build it though

i've never
for example
changed a washer

and
although
i love electric drills
and drill presses
and even
oxy-acetylene welding rigs

i'm generally pretty uncomfortable
with saws

my dad had a friend who cut off three of his fingers
working with a circular saw [i think]
and they sewed em back on
but he lost the knuckles
and it just gave me the jinkies

like when my mom was trying to teach me to sew
i wanted to learn to sew
i wanted to design my own clothes
but
i was ten years old
and she started with all her relatives
and the various accidents they had acquired
like in sweat shop accidents, or whatever
and even though it was a treadle machine
i just couldn't get past it

it would have been better
much better
if she pointed out dangers
as they came up
and not in a you could be maimed format
but
there you go

i don't know if i really have the skills
for this old house
or log cabin woman power

but
i always think i do
but, i don't know
as long as i've got youtube, maybe

i calibrated and cleaned the machines at the coffee shop
but, it wasn't that easy for me

the training was with one of those handy types
who pretty much said
just take it apart and see what looks wrong
right
i don't have that kind of affinity for machinery, generally

i mean, i get it, i have that sort of affinity for other things
machines just aren't like that for me

taking them apart, no prob
cleaning them, cool
putting them back together so they are calibrated properly
i figure
takes me three to four times as long as it should
and there is always cussing
sometimes
there is also screaming
tears
and praying
those aren't altogether unheard of

i tended to balance this by doing that whole process
less frequently than recommended
they say
clean and calibrate the grindmaster every week
but
those things are work horses
unless you're doing nyc business
it could probably go two months

we have some where i work now
no body even knows they should be cleaned and calibrated
and they haven't been
for at least four years

i've debated with myself whether i would fix one
if it should go down
probably not
i've stopped fixing the toilets
they don't pay me for that
they don't even thank me

what i learned about being a manager is that
when it all becomes your responsibility
you develop magical powers
suddenly
your like:
no, don't call the tech, just unplug it and let it dry out
it'll be fine
no, i cannot afford the $200 facilities fee for the plumber again
i can make this stupid flushing device work
no, do not call the plumber
just use a fucking plunger in the floor drain
works every time


i'm not sure why i'm telling you this stuff
you probably want to have more story
or freeplay
or dreams
or sexy talk

and
it's not that i don't want to give you what you want
but
i woke up with an awful sinus pressure headache
and
i'm not feelin with the sexy, right now
and
i don't guess the book is ever gonna be real time
i just have to think about it too much
but
i did think i'd have more freeplay by now

i don't know if you see this stuff

this is a new blog

i decided i needed another one
sheesh

big picture little rabbit

i asked for information:
what would i get from ayahuasca
what is my major problem that i need to heal from
and maybe i got some answers

in my dreams
there was some sort of game
and
every level
every variation
it became a cage
vultures
outside the cage trying to get me
so maybe the cage keeps stuff away from me

not sure

then
i was a young woman
and i was arguing with a young man
who was maybe my boyfriend
about how he wasn't making me a priority in some way
and that used to be a problem for me
not sure that it still is though
and he
he was sending me a visual message
my alarm rang before i finished
and i didn't get the whole message
but it was white
not like black and white, but rather
like the most brilliant colorful white
it was a landscape
i guess a winter landscape
and it was full
full of minute details
little bunnies
plants
it was loading slowly
because of the detail of the visual image

does this mean that i am too fixated on details to see the big picture
that doesn't seem right
not exactly
but
it's somewhere in the ballpark, maybe
i see everything as minute stimulus
illuminated
filled with meaning
maybe
maybe that's too much
somehow
or maybe i need my partner to point to the part i'm supposed to annotate
i don't know

it's making me think, though

and
i don't know at what point this happened
but
i know exactly why my grandfather cut down the peach tree
i know
i understand
and i could see myself doing the same thing
[i don't think i actually would]
but i empathize
so is this an age thing?

i don't know

i'll write you something this weekend

I am fighting with myself
see
now
I totally want to do the jungle
ayhusaca magical realism overload
which wasn't what I originally planned
and so
I have to figure out
if I'm going back to plan A
or
moving on to plan B
or doing some hybrid

and my computer was down for 2 days
and
I been busy
and
blah blah blah

I love you, though
not ignoring you

i kept having dreams about you

I don't remember them all
I know
in one
I was talking to you, all day
wrapped in a sheet
in another
you were running for something, maybe
in another
it was some kind of athletic competition
and then
you won
the athletic, I think
but
there was more I can't remember, I'm sure
it was all you
all night

I love you
let's exchange mythologies

i just dreamed this art piece

I had already built this large doll house kinda thing
all painted white
and then I did this painting
it was painted into clear enamel
so it was thin and ghostly
and I did that pretty quickly
I'm not sure if it's went inside
or behind
but
before I could know what happened
it was already marked five hundred dollars
no, I said
this needs to be more like twenty five hundred
but then possibly
I was going to
do more to it
I don't know

not really awake
love you

i love you

sorry I don't seen to be
saying anything
that wasn't intensional

i dreamed there was this house

it was big
on a very large lot
red brick
not too fancy
just
solid
large spreading oaks
and then
right next door
they were painting a mural
for a restaurant
that was below street level
but
the figures in the mural
were like coming up and out of the space
they had a works projects
or classic soviet poster
or Diego Rivera Look
something like those styles
without
being any, specifically
it was an odd juxtaposition
but beautiful
and
it totally worked

it' the weirdest thing

I don't know if it's from
restricting
not eliminating
gluten
and
dairy
or
drinking more water
or
getting more sleep
or some combination of all those
but
my pain level
is now lower enough
that I'm seriously
almost
doing a little dance in the morning
it's almost like depression lifting

I love you

just woke up to pee

political satirist ala mark twain
had been regaling me with
the gulf war

something about
little donkeys

don't know
it's gone now

just woke up to pee

have been dreaming about you
I was at some function
and your cousins, maybe
younger male relatives
all came up to me
individually
telling me
how good I was for you
welcoming me
but
I think
I was a secret
from all your female relatives
and
I told you how much I liked your soul patch
and
you hung around me
were almost open
said
babe, ya got me wrong
we're tryin this

going back to sleep now