i was in a pool
and i came up under one of those
float raft lounge thingies
there was a woman on it
i don't know who she was
i don't even think she was anybody
she was more like a symbol
i was trying to lift the raft up enough to get a breath
and she didn't want me to
it made me viscerally remember something i had forgotten
when my step-mother held me under water at the pool
not long enough to actually hurt me
just long enough for me to need to get free to breathe
and i jumped out of the pool
and i think what i did was scream
but i'm not sure
because i sort of disappeared for a minute
but when i came out of it
there was hair
everywhere
like my insides had been filled up with wet hair
it stuck to the tiled walls
making cryptic patterns
maybe spelling out something important
then
i was a pregnant teenaged trucker
and i don't know all the details
but i know i hadn't been taking my health all that seriously
not like doing anything stupid
but just not taking it easy at all
pretty much doing everything normally
and i was practicing some game
which involved blowing into something
using lung power
when suddenly
no breath would come out
not anymore
and i sunk down beside my rig
and i called my people
i said:
i know i act like i don't need anybody
and i'm sorry if that comes across as rude
i don't mean it that way
it's just the way i have to wind myself up
to keep myself going
and i'm really bad at asking for help
but, i do, i really need you
