i sometimes wish

you would
pick out perfume
something you want me to smell like
something that reminds you of me
something very personal
and send it to me
then
I could wear it
and have that whole
like
interactive
experience


is that crazy


is that even the kind of thing you'd do


maybe
or
maybe not

ok, kinda excited about this

I've been rehab-ing my foot/ankle whatever
so
whenever I have a minute
or it aches
or I think about it
I'm stretching it
until it hurts a little
in an awkward angle


so
fast forward
it's still a little achy
but
it is now
more flexible
by about fifteen degrees
in any direction
than the other one


and I'm like
oh yeah
dumbass
probably shoulda stretched em both


but
whatever
it underscores the point


good morning baby

i feel pretty good

not completely ache free
but
maybe completely pain free
the ankle is a bad ache
but
not bad, ya know
I got some herb that was supposed to
clean out my lymph
I'm prone to lymph congestion
though I don't especially feel any now
but that shit made me fee ratchet
I took it wed and Thurs
and it took Friday and Saturday
to get back to normal
but it wasn't like detoxy bad
it was like
this herb doesn't like you bad


but
the grocery store yesterday was like a party
even the people working there
were singing along


big wheel keep on turnin
proud Mary keep on burnin
rollin
rollin
rollin on a river

i was waiting with you

you were about to do something
and I was watching
how you manage
stress, preparatory to action
I was impressed
and we talked about it
you said something
brilliant that I want to remember
but I can't


then, suddenly
I see something
I think I saw your name on the feed
CNN, maybe, not sure now
but news feed


yes, you say
and wind it backwards
so I can read the headline


then
the scene changes
John Lennon is still alive
and I'm in his girlfriend's room
talking to her
she is mid twenties
blonde
really smart and funny
and very attractive
she's talking about John
and all the things she finds odd about him
and I gather
he and Yoko ate still together
this girl is the girlfriend
Yoko is fine with it
though she doesn't like the girl much


do you think it's weird
she asks me
the difference in our ages
no, I say
age is totally relative
it how you feel together that matters


and then I have to go to my room
which I across the street
at the warehouses
I meet someone else i know
I don't like being naked in public, I say
because I am noticing
I'm not wearing anything
and I go into a late night diner
there in the warehouses
we're talking
and I say
it sounds like a cliche
but every woman is beautiful
some are stupid, but even they are not stupid about everything
and the one thing they know
you might learn something
I think there was more
it seemed deeper in the moment


good morning angel

domes, tents, horses, fire...

i've got inventory today

I have to go at 3:30am
I'm not enthusiastic about that


I love you

my theory about the bad dreams

is that
as the scar tissue and whatnot is being broken down
emotional resonances are being released
and
rather than reliving whatever actually
is stored there
I'm just translating the feeling
into something currently in my mind


the other day
I dreamed I put an red hot pan
into cold water
ruining it
and it had been a new pan


that's not something I've ever done
it doesn't have much relevance
but
whatever
feelings


I hope
you're ok
and
that that dream has no relevancy


I love you

i don't know why i'm having bad dreams

I dreamed a bunch of weird stuff
my step father called me
he faked his death


but
the thing that really upset me


sometime in the middle of the night
I almost wrote you right then
but I was hoping I'd just forget it if I went back to sleep


you were looking at me
and your teeth were all yellow and brown striped and twisted, malformed
but you were looking at me
and you said
I'm diabetic
I'm tired
I don't have any interest in you
I don't love you any more


wtf is that shit


I realize
dreams don't have to mean anything
and
I'm not saying this dream meant anything
but
it did upset me

ok. i was just at the grocery store

they play oldies music
like seventies oldie
and
usually
rock
but today, in addition to that
they played the gambler
ya know, Kenny Rogers


now
I listened to this song
as a kid
and ya know, liked it, ok
but
the last few years
every time I hear it
and by few
I'm not sure
I might mean ten, ya know


when he sings the line


and somewhere in the darkness
the gambler he broke even


I tear up, a little


that's who I am
I guess

just woke up from a bad dream

why am I having bad dreams

i love you

the shoulder blade's much better
today is neck and lower back
I went to bed at 7:30 last night
and slept til 6:00
and
I'm still tired
but not hungry
I had an avocado
two grapefruits
and 100 calories worth of broth yesterday
well
plus coffee
still
not hungry
weird

update

ok
I am what, like a week and a half in
this serrapeptase kicks ass
I am planning a broth fast
I'm going to make kombu & shiitake
and
I might take chlorella
I suddenly feel like
I might not just have to be
a suit of armor
I might be able to move
and breathe
I can breathe


of course
the silly thing
once the PAIN is gone
you feel all the aches
and they start bothering you
like right now
I really need to pop my shoulder blade
three days ago
I wouldn't have bothered to complain
but today


and I have
that healing fatigue
but
whatever
I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna get fit-ish
I'm gonna have some life yet


I'm really happy


you should really try this stuff

good morning sweetheart

I love you

ok. you should really try this stuff

serrapeptase
I woke up breathing through my nose
and the crepe myrtles are blooming
I haven't taken any ibuprofen
I feel
pretty good
not like I'm completely healed
but
it's been four days
I've never had anything work faster
to make such a positive impact
and
I don't feel depressed
which I think I more because
of pain reduction
than because it did something to my brain
but
fuckin YAY
either way
ya know