i been thinking about this for a while

I don't have any grievances to air
I've made all my own decisions
And if I come out good or bad
It's all on me
The only grievance I had,
well, it still doesn't really add up, but
whatever, I feel like I understand the motivation, so I'm not fussed


All I ever really need is to understand.


Loving you has been the defining motif of my adult life,
And if that's not feminist enough,
Oh well.


I love you.
I've been thinking about that since Festivus.

brown and purple orchids
bark at me
this lipstick smells like cake

she's so much better

her pulse had been like 45
which is roughly half what it should be

after, like, right after
she had the procedure
it was in the 80s
and she seemed, energetic
she's been pretty exhausted
for a while

I talked to the doctor
and he didn't give off that same doctor vibe
that always kind of offends me

this guy
he gave off a skilled craftsman vibe
I really liked him

so
everything seems good

i had lunch with her yesterday

I've been going two weeks
between visits
and
I like that better
I feel like
I'm not
whatever, as much

so she fell saturday
and I've been checking in all week
she had a heart monitor
and when she took it back after our lunch yesterday
she was short of breath, or whatever
and they took her to the emergency room
and whatever
they're putting in a pacemaker

and
probably she'll be fine
but I don't feel like
anything's gonna be fine
I just see a long march of decay and decrepitude
and
I'm trying to remember
some incident, any incident
from my childhood
where she was loving, and maternal
where she made me feel better
when I was sick or hurt
or something

and
I got nothin
not saying it never happened
but
I got nothing
I don't have this sense of
I'm taking care of my mom, ya know
maybe I should feel this ground swell
maybe there's something wrong with me

but
I just want to run screaming from the room
I don't want to have to take care of her

I just want her to be ok

look, my mom's having a pacemaker installed today

this is all rather sudden
I don't know
how much time
this will take
but
I think

I probably won't get done
what I wanted to

I better not go to hell
is all I'm sayin

I'm freakin out a little bit

i'm working those weird overnights

today is the last one
for this promo
and then
I'm taking the rest of the weekend off

I will be writing something
not sure what
so

I love you sweetheart