i busted out the adya clarity

i've been feeling like i might be getting sick
i've been around a lot of sick people
and i thought it was all done
and i was through it
but maybe not

i'm out of emergen-c, and anyway i switched
to the natural vitamin c powder
and i've been on this fruit thing
but the fruit has drawbacks
so i've had some wheat
which maybe now has
drawbacks too

i
don't claim
to have all the answers

but
last year in december
i got really sick and i needed, something
and adya clarity is what i had
and it seemed to help

so
black mica
do your re mineral goodness
and i haven't been eating anything
for about 6 hours after i get up
just to kinda extend the fast before breaking it


i just got a mental image
a whole wall stacked with firewood


not sure what that means

i need to go to sleep
i have to get up
really early

love
me

i've had a headache all day and i'm not sure why i'm still awake

i think i might be getting sick
or my neck might be slightly out
or
maybe the bread [seeduction]
and pasta
i've had recently are no longer ok for me
maybe i'm celiac and just don't know it
but
i feel weird, physically

i hope
everything is good with you
healthy
and
happy

i hope
everything you've ever dreamed of wanting
all comes true for you

think healing energy my direction, pretty please pumpkin
i don't want to get sick

you created something just a few hours ago, i could feel it

it was strong
so either
i've started having seizures
or
eating pasta with puttanesca sauce makes me come
or
you made something

it's talking

the other day
before i left the house
i asked for some sign that would make
everything make sense

i specified, of course, that i wanted no car signs
what i wanted was something from the natural world


i was going to meet a friend for dinner
i was going early to avoid, as much as possible, traffic

i saw that borders was in it's final days sale
and i've looked at some books at that specific location before
i thought i'd see if any of the jewish books i'd liked were still there, for cheap
this is all background, really

i went in
went upstairs
the entire jewish section
wiped clean of books, entirely
i stopped to look on the re shelving cart
and
right there
on top
is a deck of medicine cards


now
i'm pretty sure
i once had a deck of medicine cards
but they've never surfaced in the last ten years
so they've gone somewhere
and
my mom keeps telling me she has a deck she'll give me
but
she never does
and i just keep not buying another one, but
i want it

so i check the deck
and it's all there and everything

and
it's gotta be a sign
that place looked like locus hit it
and that was just right out there


and
of the natural world, ok, maybe a stretch, but it depends, maybe not
but
how does that make everything clear


it could mean:
everything will come to me when it's supposed to, effortlessly

it could mean:
i'm not really ever gonna be jewish
i can use a more or less jewish framework of metaphor
but i'm really something way less structured by nature


it could mean:
it's talking to me
it loves me
wants me to be happy, give me gifts
but it can in no way make everything clear
[what am i thinking even asking for shit like that]

i did a reading
and it said, basically:
you don't need to know anything, clearly
making sense is not something for you to focus on
you need to learn what you know
salmon, bear
moose, buffalo
you want everything to not only make sense
you want it to be poetry
alligator
and
what you keep bucking against
coyote
you don't actually need the answers
and even when you thought you were slightly separated from me
it's like you should compare that to what normal people have
just for perspective
trust me more
swan


the woman who cut my hair
we were talking
she got a tarot reading from an old jewish man
she was specific about it
apparently that is an odd juxtaposition, not sure why
he told her if she moved back she would die
and
she had all these problems with her son
and she had tried to kill herself
so she hadn't really just moved back
what she had done was just get back up and running

and
she said
that it was really amazing
because
she had prayed
like the night before and just that day
for her old customers to come back
because she lost them when she moved away

and then

i just called

out of the blue

i love you

happy thoughts, love you

it's like i can feel you thinking about me

it's got

like

a happy bounce to it

does that make any sense

don't know

hopefully, that means everything is going really great for you there

take good care of yourself

i started to say

take good care of yourself, pumpkin

i like pumpkin as a general endearment, it's goofy

not any goofier than ma petite chou chou [for example]

but then

my little chew toy popped into my head

which is kinda dirty

so

you pick

folksy or kinky

i go both ways